Hi all, first time poster...
So I suppose this isn't really just about my husband and his children but a few other things too.
Background; I met my husband 9 years ago. We briefly dated and I discovered he told me he was in an awful marriage with two children. I was shocked. It wasn't really something I wanted to get involved in. I was single, successful and didnt want drama. He told me he loved me, asked if I would wait, and tbh I had fallen in love. Over the next three years whilst he separated we were on/off. His mother had passed away just before I met and him and his father was ill. He kept telling me he wasn't in the right state of mind, but I also could not let go and move on. Sometimes he would end it and sometimes I would end it as I did not want to be the other woman. He would come into my life, be with me then disappear saying he was going through alot. I also then used to call him asking for explanations, trying to understand what i meant to him
I finally decided enough was enough. A month after, around 2015 he called me out the blue and told me his father had passed away and he didn't know who else to tell. (he has no family except a brother). I immediately rushed to be by his side. By this time his divorce proceedings had also started. over the next 6 months I supported his grieving process. I also stated that I didn't want to see him if this was not a long-term thing. He agreed and although he said he was scared of being in a nasty relationship again he wanted to try. for the following 3 years I supported his divorce process, grief, and custody battle. he would come and stay with me 3-4 at least times a week, I'd support his legal costs, make sure he was fed/watered. he had no money and so we hardly did anything that a normal dating couple would do.
The divorce was long and nasty. Aroung 2017-2018 he bang seeing his children again. She dictated that he could see them on Thurs-Sun one weekend and Fri-Sun the following week. So he basically had them every single weekend. She would not agree to another schedule. So that was tough for me, as I was mostly a spare wheel. When the divorce was finalised he paid her.. Bt he had not money so he remortgaged his house, I lent him money and the only way he could remortagage and raise the money is I went in with him. So i moved to his house and started paying all the bills. And for around 8 months from then we had the kids most weekends. He didn't tell them I was his GF. they were good kids, but quiet. Ignored me most of the time. I'd build up a relationshop over the weekend and then it was back to square one the next. They ate awful food (pizza, chicken nuggets, chips) and they were never fed proper balanced diet at home. She would drop that a school club in the AM and pick them up from after school club, and in the weekends they were with us. My husband is very soft with his kids, so he just ran around after then and never sai eat this/do this. I tried my hardest to make balanced meals where they would just cry or moan (even the 11 year old). If I so much as raised my voice my partner would argue with me 'Saying they're just kids' he was rose-tinted for them.
We had some vacations coming up and I asked him to rearrange the schedule with his ex so we could go away. I had always asked him to try and change the dates so that he would have them every other weekend and during the week. As all of this was unfair for me. We had had NO real relationship of dating and doing this together for years because of all this.
He changed the schedule for those 2 weeks. Afterwhich he came back and said he couldn't see the children. he sai is mental state was not right, his business had gone bust, his relationship with his brother had gone sour and he couldn't cope. He stopped seeing them. For 2 years... (2018-2021)
In the two year period I asked him numerous times to see his kids (at least a dozen) he gave me the same reason. He was also angry with them as they did not return calls etc. During hat time we married, travelled a lot of the world, and for the last 1-2 years have planned to sell our house and move a few hours away to buy country house which we dreamed of. again during these two years he found a job but I have supported him through alegal case with his brother. I'll mention again I have said to him, see the kids, sort it out, and he just used to get upset and said he couldn't, it hurt him inside, they would understand when they were older (his ex wife really F-ed him over).
We sold the house, we viewed a few places a few hours away. And now all of a sudden after 1-2 years of dreaming of this and agreeing he says he wats to stay within 30 mins of the kids because then he will never ever see them. I was gob smacked.
He went on to say he hadn't seen the kids for two years because of me, because when we saw them we argued. He said how would you feel if i said to you don't see your kids every weekend. He went on to say, have you ever asked how/why i am going to see the kids if we move (even though it was his idea). When i told him, I asked him numerous times (about a dozen) to see his kids - he responded.... I ask about your mum every day and you ask about my kids 10 times! I am not sure how they are relevant as he himself hadn't see his kids.
He's gone onto say he needs ot be around here.... He blames me for not seeing them, he went on to say that he was willing for us to split up if I wanted to move that far as he needs to be with his kids. he needs to make up for lost time.
Our house is sold, the reason we said we would sell is to move to a better place. Now I am being shoe horned into a situation where we have to rent for a while (which we knew we would have to do), but then fundamentally re-purchase somewhere within 30 minutes of where we are. Which would mean we cannot get the kind of property we wanted.
I just feel so angry and frustrated. Its been a week since we had this, yet I have not seen him make an effort to see his kids that he all of a sudden realised he has. For almost 2 years we were planning our life and now I feel I am just going backwards.
Thoughts and opinions welcome..... Am I being horrible? I just feel so undervalued, underappreciates, and kind of stuck, and hurt that I have been blamed for this