Am I expecting too much from my DH?

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Me and my DH have been married 4 years been together 9. We have a 16 month old together.

I feel like recently we’ve been drifting apart and I feel like we’re not on the same team anymore. After baby arrived, I took on most of the childcare duties since I was on maternity. DH still cooked and cleaned the kitchen at the end of the day as per our normal routine pre-baby.

However, since I started working again (freelancing), I feel like I’m doing a whole lot and pulling a lot of weight to push our family forward.

I drive our DD to docs appointments as DH doesn’t drive. He tried to pass his test but failed and then gave up, he says he doesn’t like driving. I drive to get food shopping if we’re short from the weekly food delivery, I drive us everywhere etc.

DH has been working from home since the pandemic which means he goes upstairs and sits in bed/office all day every day. He’s working in the same role as when he graduated and hasn’t had a promotion or a permanent contract in a few good years.

Also he only comes downstairs during the day for lunch for an hour. Regardless of whether our DD is happy, upset, tantruming, fever, in pain etc I have to manage her entirely.

I’m also trying to fit work around her and I work in the evenings as well after she goes bed. She goes to nursery one day a week but will soon go 3 days /week.

I had to renegotiate one of my contracts in order to afford childcare so I could have more days to work in the day.

At the end of the day, DH cleans the kitchen and usually stays until midnight to play video games, watch films etc.

I’m working really hard to get us where we need to be to buy a house and I’ve saved a 10% deposit from my own money.

I feel like my DH isn’t really striving to make our family life any better, he doesn’t look for a better paying job, he’s not learning to drive, he’s not offering to wake in the night with DD who is still not sleeping through. He does clean if I ask him to but I have to tell him what to do etc. At the weekends he’d rather stay at home whereas I’d rather go out with DD and explore new places etc since we’ve been sat at home all week as both of us work from home so no office/commute etc.

I’m not sure if I’m expecting too much from DH, but I just feel like I’m working so hard to give us a better life while he’s just comfortably cruising along in the passenger seat admiring the view. Any discussion about these topics usually make him upset or angry and doesn’t lead anywhere really.

What would you do??

So you've tried to discuss him taking a turn with night feeds and he just gets angry or upset?

See, I can understand that not everyone is ambitious...they're not...some people are happy in one job, same pay for years. Others are not.

And there's nothing wrong with being happy in the same job and not being ambitious but there IS something wrong with not helping your partner to manage the work that a baby involves OR make an effort to drive or get shopping.

I don't drive...various reasons behind it but I would never expect my DH to do all the shopping. We work similar hours but I get on my bike with a backpack and do shopping regularly....he goes too in his car or if I want a lift there, he'll take me...we manage symbiotically. I wouldn't ask him to go if I knew he was tired or busy but he'd never expect me to go if I was tired or busy.

There's none of that in your relationship and by the sound of it, you're carrying him.

I would honestly think twice about buying with him. I'd be cutting my losses in all probability. If you buy somewhere and it all goes wrong, then you'll lose a lot of money

He gets angry if he has to wake up early in the morning because I’d been up all night.

He does offer to go to the store in the village but he has to walk and it takes him about an hour to get there and back so it just makes more sense for me to drive as it would only take me like 10mins.

I try to think of it like if he was on his own, he’d probably still do whatever he does now, probably even more! He’s not done laundry for example in ages.

I’m not sure if at this point in my life I’d like someone with a bit more ambition than perhaps I wanted a few years back?

Is that a thing that happens? I feel horrible thinking this way as he’s a nice guy, I just don’t feel like we’re on the same team anymore

It seems like he really doesn't add much to your life. You've probably outgrown him.

I was married to someone like that in that he didn't drive except he refused to learn, stayed in the same low paying job even though he had a degree. He was just lazy and wanted a mother more than a partner.

I think the lack of ambition would matter a lot less to you if he was stepping up in other ways, like getting up in the night or early morning, doing more with DC during the day / weekends when he’s not working.

Have you talked to him about the way you are feeling

It sounds like you're his mum. Gross. He sounds very unimpressive.

How were things honestly before having kids. Surely most of this stuff like driving and work were issues before your child was conceived. It sounds like you've been carrying the load for a long time. It's only now the load has got heavier that you're noticing.

Talk to him first off. Not in an accusative way. But let him know how you are feeling and that it could spell the end of your life together if changes aren't made. I think the job is a bit much to ask, but driving and getting up with your kid in the night aren't at all.

Just out of interest, why don't you just let him get on with going to the shop, even if it does take him ages by walking? I wonder if you are also too quick to swoop in and fix things?

Just out of interest, why don't you just let him get on with going to the shop, even if it does take him ages by walking? I wonder if you are also too quick to swoop in and fix things?

I'm thinking this, too. So what if it takes him a while to walk? Maybe that will get him off his arse to learn to drive. You taking over is yet another "mummy" thing. Let the man walk and deal with it.

He gets angry if he has to get up early? How does that manifest itself - does he shout at you?

He doesn't sound great, and you do sound like you've outgrown him. Were you quite young when you got together?

@Henrytheehoover usually it’s stuff we forgot we were missing as we are in the middle of making dinner or more urgent things. He’s offered to take time off work to get something from the pharmacy so I didn’t have to drive so it didn’t make sense he’d have to ask for unpaid time off. He had to commute over an hour by public transport before Covid which he happily did instead of driving 20mins.

The issues were there previously but I had an easier time dealing with it all as I just thought he’d be more focused on the family/home life instead of career sort of thing.

@namechange30455 he still does wake up as I can’t function if I don’t sleep in the night and having to work late in the evening. He just sighs angrily, slams doors, storms down the stair etc. Not always but if she wakes up particularly early or if he stayed up too late.

So he works on his bed all day, only comes down for a hour for lunch, stays up late gaming, doesn’t want to go anywhere at the weekend. He sounds massively unfit for a young man which is not going to do anything for his brain functioning well. Sounds like a grumpy teenager.
I would suggest marriage counselling, he needs to hear what it’s like to live with him, and you need to hear his side too. Then you’ll know how to progress. Don’t take no for an answer.

@PerseverancePays basically yes. I feel like all the mental load is on me but I’m sure he’d say he does plenty etc. I don’t think we’d afford marriage counselling. I’m having to work so much just to cover childcare and everything else.

Thinking about it, I’m not sure he’d even afford having a car in the first place with how much insurance is going to be etc. He’s not gonna be able to pay for half childcare when she starts going in 3 days a week.

On the other hand, if I was a single mum I’d probably struggle a lot more financially. Im scared I wouldn’t be able to afford to raise my daughter on my own.

Tell him to get a bloody bike! The lazy arse. Who cares how long it takes him to go to the shop anyway! Let him go.

"He’s not gonna be able to pay for half childcare when she starts going in 3 days a week"

So what are you intending on doing? What will the split be - seems extremely unfair for you to be doing basically everything and carrying the mental load on top of this.

I understand the feeling of worrying about struggling to afford everything alone. For now if I was you I would just sit tight & start making an exit strategy. This man sounds useless.

@Tee20x I’m having to pay for the whole childcare fee.

I think you’re right, thank you

What is the split of other finances - does he pay rent/bills, who pays for things your DD needs?

Sorry to be nosey but are you a particularly high earner? Because again why should you foot the bill of childcare costs which can be expensive & all he does is clean the kitchen in the evening and grumble about being woken up in the night to help with the baby.

How would he manage if you weren't around!!

He doesn’t sound like he’s contributing much to your life-I could forgive the driving and lack of ambition in moving jobs, but it sounds like he’s barely involved in family life.

What does he eat in comparison to you? Why are you paying for childcare alone!’v

Like a previous comment, I also wonder if you are a bit guilty of swooping in to fix a problem because you think it will be quicker and better.
So you are in the middle of cooking and you realise you are missing something, you drive to the shop because it will be quicker than him walking, and then you're probably annoyed, but maybe you can just manage without that thing anyway?
If I've read correctly, he has been and is working full time, you have been on mat leave but now you are working, but your baby is still at home all the time except one day? That's just not realistic. You can't be annoyed with him for not interrupting his work for a tantruming or crying baby, nor should you have your work disturbed - it's just not possible to work and care for a baby at the same time. Can you cut down your hours to fit when she's at nursery? Can he reduce his hours to do some childcare while you work?
You need to communicate with each other in an open an non-confrontational way. Really listen to each other's concerns and agree a way forward together. He needs to understand that you are overwhelmed trying to manage the mental load. You might need to understand that perhaps he feels a bit useless at the moment, maybe he's depressed and maybe he's equally anxious about your future.

I’m struggling to see just what he brings to your life at all. No drive or ambition and not much of a financial contribution, he can’t drive and won’t try to, he does very little in the house and doesn’t care for your DC much and games for hours on end. Not doing one of that list you might just about forgive but when you add it all together he doesn’t really do anything much at all does he?

You sound capable and resourceful and I suspect you would manage quite admirably on your own as you’re doing pretty much everything as it is.

@Tee20x we split most things 50/50. He pays half rent and half bills - I pay the other half. I buy most things that DD needs such as clothes, toys etc mainly because I drive so I can actually go buy her the things. If we go at the weekend and he comes along he’ll offer to pay, but usually I go get her the things she needs whenever she needs them and I don’t wait for when we can go together.

I earn more than him yes but because I freelance my income isn’t terribly steady although I do get a decent salary each month and then a boost at the end of the financial year if things went well.

This is another reason why I’m getting a bit frustrated with his lack of ambition because if he could/wanted to get a better paying job we’d obviously be better off financially and he’d be able to contribute more and together we could afford a better house/buying sooner etc. We’ve delayed buying a house to give him time to get on a perm contract.

@Howshouldibehave he’s not left with much at the end of the month after covering all his bills so leaves me no choice. I need to work to cover the other half as we wouldn’t survive just on his salary. I can’t afford to be a SAHM.

Are you in the US or somewhere where a car is absolutely required to go shopping, or could he use public transport/bike trailer but can't be bothered?

Wasn't the lack of money quite predictable given you knew him more than 6 years before getting pregnant? Is that disappointment a case of not having fully realised the implications until the baby was actually there?

I think him not driving is a bit of a get out clause. Realistically given that she is also his child, he should be contributing more than he is. Perhaps he takes it for granted that DD always has what she needs but doesn't actually think of the fact that you're spending your money on her.

Have you sat down with him and totalled up how much you alone are spending on DD? Perhaps he doesn't feel ambitious enough to get another better paying role because he knows DD won't be without and that you will step in.

Maybe you should start holding him accountable. Personally I am not one for joint accounts but maybe in this case it would work for you? I also do practically all of the buying of things for my DD as I am always looking out for things on offer, stocking up and planning ahead - but as we do not have a joint account I keep track of these purchases and get DP to send me his share which is 50%

I think your DH needs to be looking at why he can't afford the basics such as nursery etc and why he is happy for you to do all of the work and planning for it.

I wouldn't be looking to buy with him at the moment if I'm honest. But like a PP said you sound like you are more than capable of doing it alone if need be.

@fuzzymoomin Yes I probably do swoop in as I just want the thing done. I do tend to just do things quickly so I can put them at the back of my mind.

Unfortunately this is our situation at the minute. She’ll start going to nursery more and I’ll get more days to just focus on work, but I can’t see other things changing aside from that. I’ll still wake up in the night because he struggled with the lack of sleep. He’s never refused to do it mind you (even though I have to physically wake him up and ask him to), but then he gets grumpy and annoyed and I’d rather not deal with that as it annoys me in turn.

My work is very flexible so it’s not a big issue it’s just paired with everything else it feels very one sided. It’s just frustrating I’m spending the evenings working after a full day of childcare while he’s gaming/watching tv and stuff still need doing around the house or whatever. Again, I’d have to ask him to do them.

Can’t afford to cut down anymore I already work part time.

@ravenmum not us and it’s not required but we live in a village so you have to drive to get to a supermarket, vet, GP etc which are fairly far.

I guess the lack of money wasn’t there as much when we had just graduated etc. We weren’t planning to buy a house back then and obviously didn’t have childcare costs etc. I guess I always sort of hoped he’d have a regular career progression where he’d get promoted/get a raise etc. I just think he’s stuck in the wrong role at the minute, as he’s a good worker.

Aren't your finances shared op? Apologies if you answered this already. I'm asking because you say you (singular) can't afford childcare etc.

He seems to have checked out of family and married life in some ways. No weekend plans with you, stays up late gaming, won't come down excpet for the lunch hour.

Loads of parents have to fit in wfh around kids, he expects you to fit childcare around work, but won't do it himself.

It's just a whole list of 'he won't do'

Won't get up with dd in the night or early mornings to give you a lie in

Won't learn to drive

Won't go out as a family at the weekends

He seems to thinks he's a single man. I'd recommend marriage counselling, and he makes pretty drastic changes and commits to your marriage anew. Or gets the hell out.

I'm with @FortunesFave on this one: if he's not going to drive or work, he needs to be stepping up in other ways. Gaming until midnight is something you normally stop doing when you have small children, as you're too knackered and busy.

So you're covering 100% of the childcare (either doing it or paying for it).

You and he are splitting expenses 50/50? Are you sure it's 50/50 or is he just paying for rent and bills and you're covering food and child-related things?

Are you doing all night wakings? Does he help at weekends?

Sounds like you have 2 children not one. You're carrying minimum 75% of the load in your household.

Honestly, he's holding you back.