Am I expecting too much from my DH?

[MirrorLight]

Me and my DH have been married 4 years been together 9. We have a 16 month old together.

I feel like recently we’ve been drifting apart and I feel like we’re not on the same team anymore. After baby arrived, I took on most of the childcare duties since I was on maternity. DH still cooked and cleaned the kitchen at the end of the day as per our normal routine pre-baby.

However, since I started working again (freelancing), I feel like I’m doing a whole lot and pulling a lot of weight to push our family forward.

I drive our DD to docs appointments as DH doesn’t drive. He tried to pass his test but failed and then gave up, he says he doesn’t like driving. I drive to get food shopping if we’re short from the weekly food delivery, I drive us everywhere etc.

DH has been working from home since the pandemic which means he goes upstairs and sits in bed/office all day every day. He’s working in the same role as when he graduated and hasn’t had a promotion or a permanent contract in a few good years.

Also he only comes downstairs during the day for lunch for an hour. Regardless of whether our DD is happy, upset, tantruming, fever, in pain etc I have to manage her entirely.

I’m also trying to fit work around her and I work in the evenings as well after she goes bed. She goes to nursery one day a week but will soon go 3 days /week.

I had to renegotiate one of my contracts in order to afford childcare so I could have more days to work in the day.

At the end of the day, DH cleans the kitchen and usually stays until midnight to play video games, watch films etc.

I’m working really hard to get us where we need to be to buy a house and I’ve saved a 10% deposit from my own money.

I feel like my DH isn’t really striving to make our family life any better, he doesn’t look for a better paying job, he’s not learning to drive, he’s not offering to wake in the night with DD who is still not sleeping through. He does clean if I ask him to but I have to tell him what to do etc. At the weekends he’d rather stay at home whereas I’d rather go out with DD and explore new places etc since we’ve been sat at home all week as both of us work from home so no office/commute etc.

I’m not sure if I’m expecting too much from DH, but I just feel like I’m working so hard to give us a better life while he’s just comfortably cruising along in the passenger seat admiring the view. Any discussion about these topics usually make him upset or angry and doesn’t lead anywhere really.

What would you do??

I walk half an hour to shops, do the shopping and walk back, I see it as exercise. I think you need to step back and let him get on with the shopping, so he takes full responsibility for at least one thing in your marriage.

I wouldn’t think twice leaving them alone to go to the shop or whatever
If the bench mark for you thinking of him as a good dad is 'I can leave DD with him while I go to the shop', that is way too low. A next door neighbour or teenage babysitter could manage that!

He’d also be miserable at the weekends when he had to spend the whole day looking after DD

So he'll have to be miserable, then. Is he ever not miserable? Doesn't sound like it! You should harden yourself to the 'but he'll be miserable' idea and leave him to it. I don't see him worrying about whether your life makes you miserable.

He sounds very, very manipulative, he manipulates you with his misery. You're so afraid of him being miserable that you no longer ask or expect him to do the most basic of parenting, or much of anything really.

OP,

Sounds like you haven't any assets besides your car.

Can you plan to move home?
Divorce?
No property to divide?

Start again.

You are too young and ambitious for a better life to settle for so little.

He sounds very lethargic and passive. I wonder whether the lack of engagement in his life and your lives together is due to depression. Not making excuses for his passivity, but could be why he's not stepping up for his family.

What a tough situation OP, you sound like an amazing mum and a strong role model for your DD.

@ravenmum

I guess it made him performatively miserable, an effective means of making your spouse stop complaining, so that you can continue doing what you were doing before.

It's truly miserable being with someone who's not on your team. Have you got friends you can talk to this about?

@ravenmum A real possibility here.

Also, your husband might just be an extreme, low-energy introvert. They like the idea of having a wife and child maybe, but in their heads it's almost like a far off, warm, fuzzy concept (mainly one you'll take care of). They don't realize you need to actually spend time with those people, devote time, do emotional labour. It really zaps their energy and the pay-off is not that great for them as they are largely emotionally self-sufficient. It made me think of your husband playing games and needing time to himself before going to sleep and the fact he gets miserable when he doesn't get it. He needs that time to recharge, but if he's extremely introverted, no time will be enough time for him.

If he can't even devote a snuggly, peaceful 30mins to you before bedtime, exactly why he did he want a partner??? It would make me feel used and a lot of women end up leaving their husbands because they feel like wallpaper, like part of the furniture. They're good enough to be a security blanket, to have sex with and too look after their offspring, but other than that the husband isn't bothered about actually spending time with the other human beings that are under their roof.

The getting angry and being miserable is enough for you to get out of this marriage. As others have said, you are carrying him. It's not your job to fix him. He sounds awful to live with, like pushing water uphill. I definately wouldn't be purchasing a house with him, much harder to extradite yourself from if you do decide to leave.

And to answer your question - you are not expecting too much from your DH.

I won't give advice on the marriage as others have, but do not buy a house while things are like this.

I am always puzzled by non drivers choosing to live in villages, but I'm sure you had your reasons.

It's a tricky one, as I understand it, he works full time but earns less. Now, if the roles were reversed, would it sit right for the mother to be told that they had to be more ambitious and earn more or your out? It wouldn't, as it would also be assumed that they are doing more of the home tasks and childcare as well as the work they do, to support the family, which has its own value.
You're married, so earnings are one pot, so, as he's earning less, he shouldn't really be paying the same amount in bills and rent, you should both have the same amount of disposable income left after all bills including childcare are paid, that could well mean that your wages cover all the childcare too and even top up his disposable.
When couples get together, there is sometimes one who is more ambitious than the other, this is where you are at. Regardless of sex, in that case, it makes sense for the lower earner to take on more of the home roll, so that the higher earner has more time to focus on their earning potential. Just because he's a man, doesn't mean he shouldn't do the majority of home tasks and childcare. If he did, he'd be adding value, he's not at the moment, so he's making himself obsolete.
You need to discuss how you see your family and work roles developing going forward. This is usually sussed out before DC, but it's never too late. It could work out in the future if some traditional role reversal is accepted by both of you. He has a choice to be more on the side of family carer that wage earner, or strive for more, but he can't opt out of either roles, it's one or the other, or both in this scenario, and comes down to what makes more financial sense - if that's him supporting you to earn more, so be it. But then you have to accept that you will be the financial provider for him too, if you are not happy with that, and need someone with as much ambition as yourself, then you are just incompatible.

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

I wouldn’t think twice leaving them alone to go to the shop or whatever If the bench mark for you thinking of him as a good dad is 'I can leave DD with him while I go to the shop', that is way too low. A next door neighbour or teenage babysitter could manage that!

He’d also be miserable at the weekends when he had to spend the whole day looking after DD

So he'll have to be miserable, then. Is he ever not miserable? Doesn't sound like it! You should harden yourself to the 'but he'll be miserable' idea and leave him to it. I don't see him worrying about whether your life makes you miserable.

My thoughts, exactly. I often see posts on here where someone describes their DP as 'good dad' but everything else they say, tells us otherwise.

Seems like not only do a lot of women have low standards when it comes to to relationships, they also set very low expectations for fatherhood.

Next time he offers to go to the shop, say yes. Let him walk. I bet he will be shocked!

One of the concepts I picked up from MN years ago is that one of the key indicators of equality in a relationship is equal leisure time.

I’m appalled that he would be gaming until midnight, while you are working after a full day of childcare, and then gave the brass neck to be grumpy about getting up early?

I’d be suggesting to him that you swop for a month - that he spends the evenings working a second job, does the night wakings and you’ll game til midnight and slam doors in the mornings.

Does he have depression...?

Either way it's completely unacceptable he doesn't offer to help overnight with DD and it's just expected that you would!!

Does he know how unhappy you are with these issues / that it's getting to breaking point ?

I think you should expect an equal relationship where you are supported equally in caring for your DD and treated with love respect care. X

Hello! I feel so similar. My DH doesn't drive, what's a new job but doesn't want to look for one, is dad of the year in his head but ignores baby crying at night and pretends to be asleep. I just asked him to tidy up the toys and he started to talk about "have a day off". Bastard

I don't believe he will change. My choice is put up with it and just focus on my DC, my career, my friends OR leave him and face 2+ years of awfulness, losing my house, DC suffering, possible court cases, financial losses, losing family but know ultimately my life will be better eventually.

I think I know the answer. Called solicitor yesterday. Terrified though

You can't change him. You either love him and accept him (with poss some minor tweaks and improvements poss through therapy) or you leave. Mine isn't the man for me. I just don't know if I can bear another 40 years of knowing that truth and not acting on it