Am I expecting too much from my DH?

[MirrorLight]

Me and my DH have been married 4 years been together 9. We have a 16 month old together.

I feel like recently we’ve been drifting apart and I feel like we’re not on the same team anymore. After baby arrived, I took on most of the childcare duties since I was on maternity. DH still cooked and cleaned the kitchen at the end of the day as per our normal routine pre-baby.

However, since I started working again (freelancing), I feel like I’m doing a whole lot and pulling a lot of weight to push our family forward.

I drive our DD to docs appointments as DH doesn’t drive. He tried to pass his test but failed and then gave up, he says he doesn’t like driving. I drive to get food shopping if we’re short from the weekly food delivery, I drive us everywhere etc.

DH has been working from home since the pandemic which means he goes upstairs and sits in bed/office all day every day. He’s working in the same role as when he graduated and hasn’t had a promotion or a permanent contract in a few good years.

Also he only comes downstairs during the day for lunch for an hour. Regardless of whether our DD is happy, upset, tantruming, fever, in pain etc I have to manage her entirely.

I’m also trying to fit work around her and I work in the evenings as well after she goes bed. She goes to nursery one day a week but will soon go 3 days /week.

I had to renegotiate one of my contracts in order to afford childcare so I could have more days to work in the day.

At the end of the day, DH cleans the kitchen and usually stays until midnight to play video games, watch films etc.

I’m working really hard to get us where we need to be to buy a house and I’ve saved a 10% deposit from my own money.

I feel like my DH isn’t really striving to make our family life any better, he doesn’t look for a better paying job, he’s not learning to drive, he’s not offering to wake in the night with DD who is still not sleeping through. He does clean if I ask him to but I have to tell him what to do etc. At the weekends he’d rather stay at home whereas I’d rather go out with DD and explore new places etc since we’ve been sat at home all week as both of us work from home so no office/commute etc.

I’m not sure if I’m expecting too much from DH, but I just feel like I’m working so hard to give us a better life while he’s just comfortably cruising along in the passenger seat admiring the view. Any discussion about these topics usually make him upset or angry and doesn’t lead anywhere really.

What would you do??

@Takenoprisoner yes sorry, I meant I couldn’t afford it as a single mum.

The thing is, he will do all those if I ask him. But he won’t do them happily kinda thing. Not like oh my bad I didn’t hear DD crying last night thanks for waking me up. Or oh I wanted to rest this weekend but how about we do something for the next? Nothing like that. He’s just meh doing whatever I ask. Unless it’s chilling on the couch.

I have to look for somewhere to go at the weekend, book tickets, drive there etc he just tags along and enjoys the view.

He does look after DD during the weekend but again, doesn’t take her out unless I ask and it’s usually so I can clean or catch up on whatever needs doing.

Why would he have to have his own car? Lots of people have to share a car, so you just add him on to the insurance as a driver. Then when you're at home, he can drive to the shops.

I buy most things that DD needs such as clothes, toys etc mainly because I drive so I can actually go buy her the things

And does he contribute to that as well? Or is it you that pays for your daughter's things out of your own pocket?

He is so inactive that it sounds he leads the life of a disabled or sick person. I'm thinking that people who need wheelchair are more active than him. You should be encouraging that walk to shop come rain or shine, every day, but really, he needs to look after his own health and not be an extension of a child for you. Also, lots of people don't like driving but they drive anyway. He should be making his top priority to drive but he won't because he knows you'll drive instead.

Without more information on him, he sounds lazy, quite selfish actually, or possible a depressed person who has no intention of improving his circumstances. He seems to think that his child is 'your' child and is opting out of fatherhood under your roof.

Why did he want children? Did you have an in-depth conversation about this before you had your child? Not just a 'that would be nice', but a proper conversation about why he wanted to have children, what his expectations were, what he thinks good fatherhood should be, what he thinks a mother's role is. To me, he seems to be one of the many, many men who have kids because 'yeah that would be nice'......because they have no intention of actually getting involved and think you will do absolutely everything to do with the child. I think it's sad that you go to bed alone. I get that he needs alone time, but he should be making time with you to be intimate, talk or cuddle before bed.

@Aquamarine1029

It sounds like you're his mum. Gross. He sounds very unimpressive.

You married a lazy waster who is going to allow you to do everything.

Everything.

Big mistake having a child with him so don't do it again.

He will do the very, very leadt he can get away with.

Hence the not bothering to drive.

Your choice if this is all you want from life.

You deserve better though.

@Goldbar rent is 50/50. Food is 50/50. I pay for all childcare when she goes full time or at least like 80-90% of it depending how much money he’ll have left at the end of the month. Bills I think it’s 50/50 since I pay for everything related to the car.

He helps at the weekend, so I can do housework. If I’m too tired for that we mostly stay in and we both look after her.

Living with him sounds very uninspiring. Are you sure you can face a lifetime of it?

Does he ever put music on and dance around the kitchen with your DD? Or get up early at the weekend to make pancakes? Or do anything at all that makes your lives fun?

How lovely of him to free you up for your other full-time role, as a cleaner. Maybe get him a thank-you card for "Mummy's little helper"?

The thing is, he will do all those if I ask him. But he won’t do them happily kinda thing

That's probably because he thinks you should be doing them, doesn't like you asking him but doesn't want to actually say so.

he just tags along and enjoys the view

.......because he's not motivated to do fuck all, and he knows he has a willing travel agent to do all that organising and admin for him. I've been there OP. He's taking a back seat to parenthood and in your relationship too. He's willing to sit and enjoy the view (at least that's something), but I think you've found out too late that he's just one of those people who are not bothered with doing anything. They just don't have the motivation, the enthusiasm. Life is one big 'meh', and they would far rather stay at home in their safe little box watching films and playing video games unless someone like you organises something for them.

I don't think this is something you can change I'm afraid. This is a fundamental difference in energy levels and I can't seem him improving as he gets older. Imagine what he'll be like in his 50s if he's like this now!

@EarthSight that last sentence really hit me. I’ve always gone bed alone in the last couple years didn’t even think about it really until you said. He enjoys being left behind and to his own devices.

We never really talked about the whys etc. He’s a good Dad I think, he does play and interact with DD, is patient usually and I wouldn’t think twice leaving them alone to go to the shop or whatever.

I just feel like I need more in a partner, maybe someone who pushes me to be better or someone who actively works to make our lives better. I always thought/ hoped having a child would be a good motivator generally. It has been for me, I’m trying my best to work hard and provide for her.

He “helps at the weekend” so you can do housework. Good grief just read that back to yourself.

@Goldbar

Living with him sounds very uninspiring. Are you sure you can face a lifetime of it?

Does he ever put music on and dance around the kitchen with your DD? Or get up early at the weekend to make pancakes? Or do anything at all that makes your lives fun?

No, nothing like that ever. Not even for birthdays etc. He mostly forgets it’s my birthday until past midday. We never did anything for our wedding anniversary either, not even a gift or happy anniversary.

There's a lot of issues to untangle, but if I may suggest one change... when he's looking after your DD at the weekend, don't do housework. Go for a walk, go to the gym, take yourself out for lunch or a coffee. But don't do housework.

At the moment, it sounds like all you do is childcare-work-sleep. No downtime whatsoever, while he gets evenings to do as he pleases.

One recommendation I would make is a playpen for your DC. It won't fix your DH issues but I used to pop my DC in one for short periods while I did things around the house or did course-work for my degree. They got used to playing alone and I knew they were safe when hanging the washing out.

I'm sorry to say this OP but he sounds like a total loser! You deserve far, far better.

@EarthSight

The thing is, he will do all those if I ask him. But he won’t do them happily kinda thing

That's probably because he thinks you should be doing them, doesn't like you asking him but doesn't want to actually say so.

he just tags along and enjoys the view

.......because he's not motivated to do fuck all, and he knows he has a willing travel agent to do all that organising and admin for him. I've been there OP. He's taking a back seat to parenthood and in your relationship too. He's willing to sit and enjoy the view (at least that's something), but I think you've found out too late that he's just one of those people who are not bothered with doing anything. They just don't have the motivation, the enthusiasm. Life is one big 'meh', and they would far rather stay at home in their safe little box watching films and playing video games unless someone like you organises something for them.

I don't think this is something you can change I'm afraid. This is a fundamental difference in energy levels and I can't seem him improving as he gets older. Imagine what he'll be like in his 50s if he's like this now!

All of this is 100% spot on

We never really talked about the whys etc. He’s a good Dad I think, he does play and interact with DD, is patient usually and I wouldn’t think twice leaving them alone to go to the shop or whatever.

He sounds like an utterly shit dad. Probably because he wasn't bothered about having kids in the first place, and as PP have said, just went along with it for a quiet life, knowing that you would pick up all the slack.

It honestly does sound as if you had a child with an idealised/hope-filled/misled image of who he was or would become as a father, rather than with the real him. I sympathise.

What will happen if you discuss this very seriously or suggest counselling as a way of avoiding divorce?

You have a very lonely marriage. Going to bed alone. Planning your joints lives and futures, alone. Carrying the mental load, alone. I really feel for you, because I had a very, very lonely marriage too for many years. I'm out of that marriage now, and alone now, but that's by choice.

Can you imagine living like this for the rest of your days?

No, nothing like that ever. Not even for birthdays etc. He mostly forgets it’s my birthday until past midday. We never did anything for our wedding anniversary either, not even a gift or happy anniversary.

I'm sorry, OP, but I think you have your answer. You're going to work yourself to the bone and wear yourself out providing for your family and creating joyful moments for your DD while he's going to be at best a freerider on that joy and at worse he's going to pull you both down like a dementor sucking away the happiness.

Behind many of the joyful moments from our childhoods (birthdays, parties, Christmases, Easter, trips out etc.) lies a lot of hard work and graft on the part of adults to create that joy. If your DH won't even participate in creating the special moments for you and your DD, let alone equally sharing the day-to-day grind, what hope do you have? It's not just that he's being lazy, it's that he's completely checked out of your lives and the things which are important to you.

@YoungWerther I think you might be right.

@ravenmum I think this is right unfortunately. I guess maybe I was too blind to see or maybe didn’t want to admit it to myself. I don’t think we can afford counselling (I’d have to pay and probably take extra work in to make it happen-which would then give us even less time to be together).

I don’t know what the answer is. I doubt a discussion would end up in anything other than him getting angry/upset trying for a bit and then falling back into his normal ways.

I tried saying about him going to bed early which he did for a bit but it made him miserable and in turn annoyed me even more. He’d also be miserable at the weekends when he had to spend the whole day looking after DD while I did housework or worked or whatever.

I tried saying about him going to bed early which he did for a bit but it made him miserable and in turn annoyed me even more. He’d also be miserable at the weekends when he had to spend the whole day looking after DD while I did housework or worked or whatever.

It honestly sounds like he's just a miserable person.

I guess it made him performatively miserable, an effective means of making your spouse stop complaining, so that you can continue doing what you were doing before.

It's truly miserable being with someone who's not on your team. Have you got friends you can talk to this about?

He’d also be miserable at the weekends when he had to spend the whole day looking after DD

Your poor daughter. Don't kid yourself that she won't know that her dad is at best ambivalent about being with her

I am sorry you are in this uneven house share. Do you have a way of starting a conversation with him that will really convince him to take notice.
A friend of mine has issues with a teenager and a husband. She complained and tried to talk to both. Generally ignored.
Finally a big bust up, teen with Police at the door. After it calmed down she said something along the lines of "Do you believe me now"?
Husband was Bemused. He did not think she had been reading the situation correctly.

When she spoke, he did not question back did not seek details.
You have to get your man to engage and respond. That may need a third person to help.

It sounds as if he only suggests doing things when it's not practical for him to actually do them. So it's obvious you'll say no and do them yourself.

What he could do is go shopping after work twice a week, take a backpack and list and actually do something useful. He could plan the meals for the week and work out the shopping around that.

But no, he waits til you've not got something, offers to go and get it with a head tilt "but it will take me an hour/cost me unpaid time off work" so you say you'll just do it yourself.

He could also do some of these things in his lunch hour anyway. Does he at least make lunch for you and the baby when he comes down?

@VanGoghsDog I’ve always thought this!! He always “offers” to help saying: do you want me to do x ? Like why not just do it!

He does cook our lunch, he’s usually in charge of the food (he does the weekly food order/ delivery, cooks lunch/dinner). But then I think he’d have to do all that if he lived on his own anyway.

What a dreadful man.

You are already raising your child by yourself. Don’t let this angry man take your house deposit.