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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry about a comment to neighbour

57 replies

Avenueofcherryblossom · 15/08/2021 10:19

The dog of a neighbour is recovering from an operation. DH and I have each messaged the neighbour to check on how the dog is recovering, DH has had a more extensive text conversation than me. The neighbour has mentioned in reply to DH that her primary age son doesn’t seem to be that bothered about the level of discomfort the dog is suffering. I would put that down to their age and just not recognising what the dog is going through. In DH’s reply he states that I was the same with our own, now dead, dog. I loved our dog wholeheartedly and I am really angry and hurt that he a) chooses to think I didn’t care that much about our dog, who we had for 18 years and b) tells a neighbour such.
I know the message was sent because he showed it to me. As soon as I saw it I told him that I was hurt and angry. He justified the comment by reminding me that he sat up all night with our dog the night before it was PTS. There was no particular reason to, he just wanted to. He is also using my comments about me being a terrible nurse (in relation to pandering to his various low level illnesses and injuries over the years) as further evidence.

I have told DH that I am not interested in having conversations with him because I am hurt and angry but he has spent the last 24 hrs talking at me as though nothing has happened. Every now and again I tell him I’m still not interested in chatting because I still feel upset and he just gets angry and storms off.

Superficially it is all very childish but as far as I am concerned he has created a false reality which puts me in a bad light; told someone else that I am unfeeling; refuses to acknowledge my feelings, or to recognise my right to those feelings; and by getting angry with me is turning it round to make me look like the bad guy.

I think what I’m looking for here is some validation that I’m not getting in real life.

I have messaged the neighbour to say that what DH wrote was a lie.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 15/08/2021 10:23

OP this sounds like there's some deep currents of misunderstanding and possibly disrespect going on. I understand why you're upset. But this is just one incident - if it was a mistake, an out of character blunder, I imagine you'd feel it less deeply.
So my question is - what else?

SoddingWeddings · 15/08/2021 10:29

There's some issues here, but if a man was sulking and giving the silent treatment to their wife for 24hrs+, they would be castigated.

Stop sulking, either talk it out like a grown up to understand his perspective (even if he's full of shit) and so he can understand your perspective, or go away for the day and don't sulk in the house around him.

Original poster
Avenueofcherryblossom · 15/08/2021 10:43

heldinadream you are right this is a tiny incident in a huge web of problems in the relationship. It is the first time I’ve posted about it on mumsnet, I’ve started this because talking to people in real life about it is beginning to cause me a lot of problems.

SoddingWeddings, I was working yesterday & am going to work again today (he doesn’t work) so I certainly haven’t been sitting round the house sulking. I have told him a number of times that I am hurt and angry, I have told him he is wrong about me not caring. If he does acknowledge me saying this to him he is angry - for example he snatched his mobile from my hand and stormed off with it. I was using it to try to check on our energy bill which he refuses to deal with because it is my name on the account although it goes to his e-mail (I’ve now changed it to my e-mail).

OP posts:
Original poster
Avenueofcherryblossom · 15/08/2021 10:46

Also if I try to describe my hurt feelings or upset to him he normally dismisses having any responsibility as ‘it’s down to me being mentally ill’ - I have mild depression and anxiety. He hasn’t done that this time so I suppose I’m ahead.

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 15/08/2021 10:48

Christ. Stop involving your neighbour in your relationship disputes.

NinaBallerinaShoes · 15/08/2021 10:49

Why doesn’t he work?

Original poster
Avenueofcherryblossom · 15/08/2021 10:56

Sammylady I sent one short message saying my DH lied. Do you think I should let him say what he wants about me?

He retired from his job at 55 and announced he’d ‘done his time’ and didn’t plan to work again. He says that looking after our 10year old is his full time occupation. However, he constantly tells me he doesn’t have much money and looks to me to pay for more. Our incomes are broadly the same. If I suggest he gets a job to get more money he says I should just increase my hours.

OP posts:
layladomino · 15/08/2021 10:57

I think there is so much more to this than you have told us. Based on that incident alone you have both acted poorly. He in criticising you to a neighbour (although perhaps it was meant as a light-hearted comment?), you in sulking and continuing the arguement when he is trying to continue as normal.

If you think he genuinely meant to criticise you and paint you in a bad light to the neighbour, why would that be? He showed you the message so he wasn't doing it secretly. Was he angry at your or is he always criticising you? Is he trying to impress the neighbour in some way?

Needapoodle · 15/08/2021 11:01

I'm cringing that you texted your neighbor to tell her your husband lied.

What else is going on?

sammylady37 · 15/08/2021 11:03

Sammylady I sent one short message saying my DH lied. Do you think I should let him say what he wants about me?

I think you should work on either sorting out or leaving what is clearly a dysfunctional relationship instead of dragging your neighbour into your relationship drama and arguments. I doubt your neighbour cares or wants to know how much you did or didn’t care about your dog dying, tbh and I really doubt they want to be getting texts from you saying your partner is lying about you.

longwayoff · 15/08/2021 11:03

Ffs. Just stop. Go for a walk or something you sound very stressed.

SmileyClare · 15/08/2021 11:09

I agree, don't involve your neighbour in your marital arguments! How awkward that you text that. How in earth is she supposed to respond to that? Are you expecting her to take a side? It seems so childish.

It's annoying that your husband is entering into some sort of petty competition over who cared about your late dog more, but don't drag your neighbour into it.

Stigofthedump40 · 15/08/2021 11:10

No stop texting the neighbour.. this is so embarrassing!

SixesAndEights · 15/08/2021 11:14

If I were you, I'd want the neighbour to know I wasn't an uncaring bitch too! It was your husband who dragged you into something with your neighbour by telling them something unkind and untrue about you.

How long have their been problems in your relationship?

My ex husband used to tell me he wanted more money and I should work more. I suggested he get a job that paid more. What I didn't realise at the time was that he had the lion's share of it anyway and spent lots on his hobbies whereas I scrimped by.

What are you getting from your relationship? If the answer isn't a lot then why do you think you're still there?

Opentooffers · 15/08/2021 12:57

Well, you do sound a bit dismissive by saying there was no need for DH to be with the dog the night before being PTS. I'd be there all night, or I'd of offered a shift of the night, so the other could have a break. But then my dog sometimes sleeps with me anyway if he wants to. Perhaps he was surprised by you not showing as much upset at the time and this has reminded him. Not everyone expresses upset in the same way, some are more pragmatic about the inevitable whether there or not.

GoodnightGrandma · 15/08/2021 12:59

It sounds like resentment has sent in.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 15/08/2021 13:00

Female neighbour you say?
He's not doing that pathetic poor me my wife is a meanie pants and doesn't understand me thing is he?

Original poster
Avenueofcherryblossom · 15/08/2021 13:08

layladomino I can’t think of any reason why he would feel a need to comment on my alleged lack of care for my dog to my neighbour. I don’t think saying I didn’t care when my dog was in pain is particularly lighthearted. It was superfluous to the conversation.
I think he was happy to show me because he just didn’t think there was any issue regarding writing that about me. He isn’t trying to impress the neighbour.

I think he’s trying to change the narrative of our life with our dog, making me disinterested and uncaring. By saying it ‘out loud’ he is reinforcing the new narrative as the truth. Why he is doing this I don’t know.

I am taking the advice to stop sulking. I just didn’t feel like engaging with him while he told me all about what a lovely time he had at the football while ignoring my feelings, for example.

OP posts:
Original poster
Avenueofcherryblossom · 15/08/2021 13:18

When she was put to sleep my dog was very very ill. She was blind, deaf, doubly incontinent and had some kind of tumour in her eye. She just wanted to be left alone. My DH refused to take the advice of our own vet to put her to sleep ASAP and insisted on keeping her alive for several more days to take her on a 400 mile car journey, when she had hated cars her whole life, so she could be put to sleep by an unknown vet in his home town because that’s where we got her from. I don’t think him sitting up all night makes up for what he put her through at the end really. And he would not have been interested in taking turns to sit with the dog because he wanted to make a point of doing it.

I was very upset when she died, I also had to look after our then 7 year old who was very upset too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Avenueofcherryblossom · 15/08/2021 13:27

Thanks Sixesandeights. What am I getting from the relationship? Not much, but I’m trapped in it. He would never move out if I asked him to. I have no one to look after my child if he or I moved out, I work shifts and there isn’t anyone who does childcare at 6am on a Sunday morning or until 1 or 2am on a week day. And as he is the one who doesn’t work I run the risk of him being considered the main carer and gaining greater custody of our child.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/08/2021 13:30

Um did you really text your neighbour and tell her your husband was a liar?

Confused
pog100 · 15/08/2021 13:31

It's as plain as day that this marriage is so full of tension and dysfunction that it needs to end. Rip the fucking plaster off. This is no atmosphere for a 10 year old to be growing up in.

pog100 · 15/08/2021 13:33

Cross posted with your difficulties in leaving but I stand by it, you need to split, this is horrible.

WhatMattersMost · 15/08/2021 13:39

Your husband is not a nice man. At all. Ignore the posters who have quite clearly not taken in the full extent of what you're dealing with.

Your mental health issues will almost certainly ease as soon as he's out of your life.

ThirdThoughts · 15/08/2021 14:05

I think the message you chose to send the neighbour reveals a lot about where you are at in the relationship.

You could have simply corrected his account. "I really did care about our old dog and was very upset when she died." You could have said he must have forgotten, or that you have different ways of grieving.

Believing that he lied - either unintentionally because he sees you as uncaring (about him? compared to his demonstrative grief?) and misinterprets your words and actions this way or on purpose - knowing that you are caring but deliberately trying to damage your reputation.

Believing it so deeply that you could tell someone else. And being so fed up with his lies that you don't mind that the person you are telling is also in contact with him.

He sounds awful. I understand that because of your situation, you need to be careful about how you extricate you and your son from it.

But if you continue to live in this war zone, it will damage you all.