Angry about a comment to neighbour

[Avenueofcherryblossom]

The dog of a neighbour is recovering from an operation. DH and I have each messaged the neighbour to check on how the dog is recovering, DH has had a more extensive text conversation than me. The neighbour has mentioned in reply to DH that her primary age son doesn’t seem to be that bothered about the level of discomfort the dog is suffering. I would put that down to their age and just not recognising what the dog is going through. In DH’s reply he states that I was the same with our own, now dead, dog. I loved our dog wholeheartedly and I am really angry and hurt that he a) chooses to think I didn’t care that much about our dog, who we had for 18 years and b) tells a neighbour such.
I know the message was sent because he showed it to me. As soon as I saw it I told him that I was hurt and angry. He justified the comment by reminding me that he sat up all night with our dog the night before it was PTS. There was no particular reason to, he just wanted to. He is also using my comments about me being a terrible nurse (in relation to pandering to his various low level illnesses and injuries over the years) as further evidence.

I have told DH that I am not interested in having conversations with him because I am hurt and angry but he has spent the last 24 hrs talking at me as though nothing has happened. Every now and again I tell him I’m still not interested in chatting because I still feel upset and he just gets angry and storms off.

Superficially it is all very childish but as far as I am concerned he has created a false reality which puts me in a bad light; told someone else that I am unfeeling; refuses to acknowledge my feelings, or to recognise my right to those feelings; and by getting angry with me is turning it round to make me look like the bad guy.

I think what I’m looking for here is some validation that I’m not getting in real life.

I have messaged the neighbour to say that what DH wrote was a lie.

I'm guessing that this is not an isolated incident-would you say that your relationship has broken down?

He doesn't sound nice at all. He's refusing to work, despite only having one DC, who I'm guessing goes to school? Tells you to increase your hours at work to fund him. He said a not very nice thing about you to a third party, when actually, he sounds like he was a lot less caring towards the dog, putting her through all the additional stress so he could have her PTS in his home town.

I can't say just leave him as I can totally see why that is also problematic. But, it may be that those problems could be overcome somehow so you can separate. Can you get some legal advice? I'm guessing you're married and your home belongs to you both?

OP when is your son turning 11?.I would start planning now for when your kid starts secondary so childcare is less of a concern.

Are you considerably younger than your OH? Is he expecting you in a few years to continue working to fund his retirement and then be the one to look after him?

I think your right to not leave right away but you can start getting ducks in a row and be out within 2 years.

I know the marriage should end. Things have been difficult for a very long time and only got worse really since he retired. It is very much easier said than done though.

It could genuinely be his perception or he was bolstering his image at the cost of yours. If this was a one off perhaps you could write off but there seems to be many more issues. What is it that he you specifically need from him to make this better? Don't sulk or give silent treatment as that is a very unhealthy way to deal with the issue.

If you separated 50% might be reasonable child residence which could assist with your shifts. It depends if he was amicable.

Don't assume you can separate. It always feel impossible but there is usually a way.

Has he ever been able to validate your feelings? Is there an age difference or will you be retiring soon as well?

If you can change jobs or get regular hours consider an au pair as an option.

I am much younger than my DH, the age gap feels like it has got bigger recently.

My DH does seem to feel that I should be paying more because I’m the one in work. He is beginning to develop his learned helplessness and a little while claimed he didn’t know how to send an e-mail. So I guess the future would be him wanting me to do things for him more and more.

There is a staging point in life coming up for me in five years. And I feel like if I can hang on until then I can make changes. My savings are separate to my DH’s and I will try to gradually increase how much I pay into them. We both own our home and we are married.

I am looking for a job with more regular hours Fireflygal. An au pair would be an ideal solution but the house we live in now only has two bedrooms so if I were to leave I would have to move some way to find a place that had three bedrooms for half the price of my house. I wouldn’t like to move my child away from his friends, school, home area at the same time as separating from his dad, it would be a lot for him to deal with.

Fucking hell, this marriage is doomed. Make your plans and get out of there, and stop putting your neighbour in the middle of your rows.

DH tends to dismiss my feelings as being a result of my ‘mental illness’ (mild anxiety & depression) or he will refuse to engage at all because he doesn’t like the tone of my voice, or I’m talking too loud etc.

Aquamarine I know the marriage is doomed, I’m living it. I haven’t put my neighbour in the middle of a row, I wrote them one line. But I can see that many of you think my DH should be able to go round saying things about me without challenge.

Why on earth would your neighbour be remotely interested, or you care what they think of you?! put these distractions from your mind and concentrate on a plan for getting out of this toxic situation.

Action point 1 - on Monday, ring round local solicitors and find out which ones are offering a free first consultation.

Just concentrate on that for now.

@Avenueofcherryblossom

Aquamarine I know the marriage is doomed, I’m living it. I haven’t put my neighbour in the middle of a row, I wrote them one line. But I can see that many of you think my DH should be able to go round saying things about me without challenge.

Nobody is saying your DH was right to do what he did. But you were wrong to drag your neighbour further into it. Trust me, she doesn’t give a fuck about your dog’s dying days and she absolutely doesn’t want to be involved in your rows.

Take the time to get everything sorted before you split up. The problems might seem insurmountable but you can do it. It is really important for your child to live in a more healthy environment. If you can’t go for you, go for your child.

surely you would be entitled to half the current house? could you use this time to get qualifications or anything you need to upgrade your future career prospects for a more regular work pattern, so you could afford childcare and a home in the same area?

easy to say I know though op, sorry to hear about your situation.

QiNobody is saying your DH was right to do what he did. But you were wrong to drag your neighbour further into it. Trust me, she doesn’t give a fuck about your dog’s dying days and she absolutely doesn’t want to be involved in your rows

Fine, I’ve got it. I will never again trouble to defend myself when my DH runs me down to another person. It really does seem that most of you have focused on my wrong doing. I don’t expect anyone to be interested in my ‘dog’s dying days’, I didn’t bring the subject up and I was clearly too concerned about whether someone might be led into believing I was callous.

It’s not uncommon for my DH to say something like that about me to others in my presence. I will just smile meekly in future.

I'd strongly suggest you both leave your neighbour alone for a while and that you have a conversation with your DH about how he portrays you to others.

It seems your husband doesn't like you. It also seems he is easing you into being his carer even though he doesn't need one.

Op - this kind of behaviour from your dh reminds me of my ex-h. That's just the kind of comment that he would have made (comment to neighbour), and it was incredibly upsetting and frustrating to deal with as I just couldn't get him to see that it wasn't fair on me.

To this day, I still don't know if he was deliberately being unkind or if he just didn't understand that it's unfair to talk about your partner like that!

The important thing now is to concentrate your energies on finding a way out. I can see that it's difficult but probably not impossible... maybe focus on looking for a new job? How far in advance do you know your shift pattern? Do you have any family who could help?

Speak to a solicitor ASAP - this should help to clear your mind and make the way forward a bit easier to visualise.

I think he does it deliberately because you have written that he often runs you down in front of other people. He wants others to think he superior and better than you. It's a way of eroding your confidence and buoying up his.

When you divorce you can force sale of the house. Would be hostile to live through it out possible. Perhaps then you could go for a shared ownership property?

A word of warning - the fact that your savings are separate to his will be meaningless when it comes to divorce. They will count as a marital asset and will go into the pot to be shared out along with everything else.

It sounds like you’re thinking of staying for the next five years but if you’re going to do that, you’re going to have to get very boundaried with him. You’ll need to detach emotionally and stop being disappointed when he lets you down like he did with your neighbour. I think that’s a pretty difficult thing to do for five years. One year may be doable while you sort out job etc but longer than that would probably be a really hard on you. I’d also speak to a solicitor about custody. I don’t think he can be classed as the main carer if the child is at school all day and he’s only recently stopped working.

*Fine, I’ve got it. I will never again trouble to defend myself when my DH runs me down to another person. It really does seem that most of you have focused on my wrong doing. I don’t expect anyone to be interested in my ‘dog’s dying days’, I didn’t bring the subject up and I was clearly too concerned about whether someone might be led into believing I was callous.

It’s not uncommon for my DH to say something like that about me to others in my presence. I will just smile meekly in future*

Way to miss the point. Instead of this petulant reaction and dragging your neighbour into your marital dramas, perhaps you should focus instead on how to leave your toxic relationship?

@Avenueofcherryblossom

QiNobody is saying your DH was right to do what he did. But you were wrong to drag your neighbour further into it. Trust me, she doesn’t give a fuck about your dog’s dying days and she absolutely doesn’t want to be involved in your rows

Fine, I’ve got it. I will never again trouble to defend myself when my DH runs me down to another person. It really does seem that most of you have focused on my wrong doing. I don’t expect anyone to be interested in my ‘dog’s dying days’, I didn’t bring the subject up and I was clearly too concerned about whether someone might be led into believing I was callous.

It’s not uncommon for my DH to say something like that about me to others in my presence. I will just smile meekly in future.

You’re being really over dramatic here. No one is saying smile meekly or any of that. Your husband said something twatty, presumably to make her feel better about her child’s reaction, you over reacted to that and have been licking your wounds for a few days. You sent your neighbour a message to say he lied, if you really needed her to know it wasn’t true you could have phrased it differently as other posters have suggested. Have you had CBT for your mental health issues? Because black and white thinking, catastrophising etc are classic thinking patterns in those conditions.

@Avenueofcherryblossom

I know the marriage should end. Things have been difficult for a very long time and only got worse really since he retired. It is very much easier said than done though.

At the same time, it's not as difficult as you think it could be.

Five years is a long time.

You say you're looking for a job with more regular hours. That's step one.

You also say you can put more money away. That's step two.

When you've got a different job and have more savings, look at what you can be doing next.

As for smiling meekly, don't do that. Smile and say, "that's not true," and don't engage any further. I think it's fine to have said pretty much that to your neighbour, it's not as if you're going round there and trying to have a huge conversation about it. Putting people straight about the lies your husband is telling them about you is important!

Back to the here and now. Don't show your husband how to send an email, he knows how to do it, don't enable this behaviour. And on no account start paying more for anything!

In fact, with the money you're putting by for your future, every time you transfer some, have a little laugh and say "This is money you want me to share with you," to yourself. Can you open a new account specifically for this money. Every time he goes on at you to be paying more, you can think, but I am paying more....to myself. It may help you keep buoyed up whilst you're getting things into place.

A word of warning - the fact that your savings are separate to his will be meaningless when it comes to divorce. They will count as a marital asset and will go into the pot to be shared out along with everything else
Noted, thanks. It won’t be an issue as he has assets worth tens of thousands more than I can ever hope to save. I was thinking more in terms of having my own savings to help me out in the short term if we ever separated.