Is a sexless marriage possible long term?

[Morethanthis71]

I suppose having recently turned 50 has prompted me to ask this question. Married 22 years and no intimacy on any level for the past 12 years, since my 11 year old was conceived. Husband is also 50, no known medical conditions. We have three children but he has always been very ambivalent towards sex. I was his first partner.
I don't think I can go on with this lack of love or feeling cherished in my life. I would consider myself attractive, certainly my friends day I am beautiful and I look after myself. I am a size 12/14 but fit and healthy.
Do people stay together because it's just easier to? He is a good Dad to our 3 children. We have paid off our mortgage, I have about 2k savings, he has more partly due to an inheritance, but part of me thinks I should try to save 10k before I start divorce proceedings. Over the years I have given up having the conversation about sex, I get absolutely nowhere. He has no interest in sex or intimacy at all and I do believe he would be the same if he were married to someone anyone else. I feel as if he only ever had sex with me, after the initial heady days when we first met, to create our children.
Is emotional neglect grounds for divorce?
He doesn't even write my name on the envelope of cards. I know that sounds pathetic but I feel as if he has ni connection with me at all.

I'm sorry to hear this. I don't necesssriky think it's about the sex but rather the lack of love, kindness, tenderness etc. It can destroy your soul. I think you should leave because he will not change, and give yourself a chance of happiness elsewhere. So sorry though

It's not possible long term, if you are not both in agreement or fulfilled. You are not, so unless something changes in either of you I can't see it lasting.

Have you tried counselling, or is even a discussion about the issue off the cards?
Have you communicated how you feel? Could you talk to him, or even write it down?
Do you still find him attractive? If he were suddenly to start wanting a sexual relationship, how would you feel?
Sorry lots of questions.
I left my DH and that was one of the reasons, but not all of it. I am happier, but it has taken some time and it has had a huge impact on my DD.
Having said that I would do it again, no regrets and although my sex life isn't any more active, I'm not living with the feeling that I am not sexually attractive, if that makes sense.

I think you should leave because my mum didn’t leave my Dad for the sake of the children and she missed her chance to be happy and things only got worse. Us kids would have been ok (also because he was a difficult man in general) and she could have had such a better life. Please don’t get to 70 and look back with regret.

I think you could get a divorce based on unreasonable behaviour...
I completely understand what you are talking about.
I did feel like you for a few years, completely unloved... at 40, I made lots of efforts, pleasing him, and accidentally got pregnant. He made me choose between him or my baby, I’ve chosen baby, of course... so he send me a divorce petition, which is probably for the best...

Sounds rotten and you must feel very lonely indeed. It's normal for sex to fluctuate, but this sounds like your relationship has flatlined.

I'd definitely consider some solo counseling to get your head street and build your confidence towards breaking free from the relationship. From experience - it's easy to get drawn back into a familiar rhythm, even if it's bad for you. You need to build up some determination to proactively seek happiness for yourself.

*head STRAIGHT

Does he only see intimacy and sex as a means to procreate? 12 years is a very long time to go without sex. He sounds selfish, making you stay with him even though he’s not thinking about your needs. Could he be asexual or questioning his sexuality?

Divorce him.

I think it is possible long term, but only if both partners are happy with the arrangement, which you are not.

I would think he's asexual. But He doesn't even write my name on the envelope of cards sounds like he has no interest in you as a person.

Does he cuddle you when you're upset about something, tell you you're brilliant when you've achieved something, say that you're beautiful, encourage and support you to achieve your goals?

I could live with having the above but no sex with him, and agree an "arrangement" on the side for my sexual needs. But without that love and caring bring present I definitely would end the marriage.

Thank you everyone who has posted so far.

MrsEricBana you are right, it's the lack of tenderness. I have no doubt that he loves me, but is not in love with me. I don't even want to go down the route of whether he finds me attractive or not as that would be even more soul destroying.
mostlyhalfbaked some good questions. I would very much struggle now to feel remotely sexual with him as it has now been so long, with no overtures or connection on his part, that it would feel really odd. What you say about not living with feeling that you are sexually unattractive makes complete sense.
StarsStarStars sorry to hear about your situation - but baby will be a delight.
Maybe that's it. Maybe I or both of us have over invested in our 3 children and maybe that is what has killed any passion - but then there was never much there on his part in the first place after the initial six months or so. I guess I thought it would get better once we got married.
Hmmm. I need to start getting my ducks in a row I think. A friend of mine needs someone to go halves on a mortgage with her. Much as it would break my heart to leave the beautiful home I have created over the past 22 years, not to mention my children, maybe this could be the start of the new life for me. Initially I thought I'd go halves with her and then she could rent out her 2nd room and that would pay my mortgage contribution. Again more food for thought.

Actually, I've just re-read my last message and when I say I have no doubt that he loves me I need to clarify that. I sometimes genuinely feel that he despises me. I certainly feel invisible. About 7 years ago I went on a fitness kick and got down from a size 16 to a very lean size 10. Not once did he comment. Friends couldn't believe that he wasn't full of compliments for my achievement, but I genuinely feel that he didn't notice. He never comments on hair cuts unless I ask what he thinks, new clothes, etc. Now I'm feeing even more invisible

Such a difficult question to ask Morethanthis71, as everyone’s situation is different. My wife and I are a similar position to yours, I distinctly recall being 28 years old and thinking ‘is this the end of my sex life’, by this point we’d had our first child, we obviously DTD again as we now have two children! I’m now mid 40’s and our sex life got down to once or twice a year but only because my partner feels that she had to ‘lie back and think of england’ I hated that thought as sex for me wasn’t just sex, it was making love, but the love had gone - from that part of our lives at least. I still love my wife and I think she loves me, we are happy most of the time and I think I’m slowly coming to terms with my sex life being over. I still have huge urges but hate the thought of breaking up our family and the damage it might do to our children, sacrificing their happiness for mine. I try to divert my energy, I throw myself into work or spend more time with the children and my hobbies. She is my first and only partner in life, but I’ve made my bed and feel that I ought to lay in it. I sincerely hope that I won’t get to 60 (when I’m wrinkled and past it!) and regret my life choices, this is my biggest fear!
Everyone is different, some people can cope with these situations differently which is what makes it so difficult to comment and advise on other people’s individual situations. The best advice is to go with your gut instinct, do what you need to do to create your own happiness and fulfilment in life.

Thank you HelloMrBond. I need to think about whether we are happy most of the time or not. I think we just carry on day in, day out, in the life we have created.
It's exactly that. I hate the thought of breaking up our family and the damage it might do to our children. Maybe I wait 7 years until the youngest has gone to Uni.
But I just feel so so sad at the prospect of never having a sex life again, to never feel cherished and cared for intimately. So sad. In every other respect, I have a really fulfilled life. Am I being greedy? So many people who are friends and colleagues say that I exude joy. It doesn't feel like that inside.

Don't read too much into his not writing your name on Birthday card envelopes - I'm in my 50s and this was my family's custom so the envelope could be reused. People were much materially poorer until the last decades of c20.

Thinking back to the last year or so we had sex, which is so so long ago, it was because I wanted a 3rd child. Every time we had sex, which was only during the fertile window, as he was always asleep, we'd be dtd and he'd try to hold his breath throughout the whole thing. What is that all about? I just remember it made it all really stressful.

Thanks TheWatersofMarch. He does say that, because I tell him every time that it drives me mad. What drives me even madder is the fact he never uses my name when he's speaking to me. I don't always know that he's talking to me. He's got me stored as 'wife' on his phone, which I also think is impersonal. Perhaps I'm just over sensitive but it's when it's all combined, I feel completely invisible.

Have read your posts ,it sounds dreadful .

He's got you stored as "wife" on his phone !!!!

Holds his breath while having sex ? Something very telling there I think -assexual ? gay ?

No .Just no to all that .Move out ,don't wait another 7 years .

Legally, you can get divorced for any reason you like, pretty much. Anyone can find examples of unreasonable behaviour.

Morally, it is entirely context-dependent. I, personally, don't think lack of sex by itself is a reason to end a marriage but I know other people do. I also know married couples who are quite happy not having sex. But this isn't just about not having sex, it's about you feeling unloved and neglected.

You can't fix this on your own. Marriage takes two. My advice would be not to immediately move to divorce but to make it very clear you are considering it and try to initiate an adult conversation about what can be done to save the marriage. If he won't engage then perhaps a trial separation. I would normally say divorce should be a very, very last resort. I know others disagree.

I'm divorced but it took me a long time to get there and I'm glad that I can honestly say I did everything I could to try to save the marriage first.

I'm so sorry, that sounds utterly soul destroying.

I honestly think you should leave. I know I would be happier alone than living with someone who showed me so little care and affection.

Please don't "stay together for the kids". You get one life. I guarantee that your children would be so sad, when the grow up, to think that you wasted years of your own happiness, in a marriage that left you feeling this way. Yes I'm sure divorce would be hard on them, but I'm sure they would rather have a mum who is happy and fulfilled rather than one who is biding time in a marriage that makes her sad.

Sending you so much love. You deserve to be happy and feel cherished and loved in any relationship you choose to have

As a PP has said, you can get a divorce now for pretty much any reason, and the length of time that this situation has been going on would allow for a divorce.

I’m concerned that you mention moving to a friends whilst leaving the children with your husband? Why would you do this? You are entitled under law to a settlement. Also, your children who are still living at home, please consider that leaving them with their father may not be the best option for them.
Particularly your youngest child, who is 11/12?

You need time to reflect and think about your marriage. What is life like as a family, does your husband engage in family activities, how is he with the children?

Also, what sort of a relationship does his parents have? Is it loving, what values do they show towards one another? I believe that we conduct ourselves in relationships partly based on what we have learnt about relationships from our parents/care givers.

Have you asked your husband why he chooses to remain in the marriage when he acts the way he does towards you?

Please don’t stay because you feel this is the only thing you can do. It sounds as though you are starting to make moves to co wider a separation, or action re counselling. Life is so short and you deserve so much more, even if that means being single and not having to deal with the disappointment that your husband brings to you.

Whether it's possible is down to how you both feel, plenty of people do live ax married roommates, it was the norm to be honest in the past but it's not how you see the rest of your life! I split after a 27 year relationship (20 years married), was so concerned I would be alone, I had put off the inevitable for years until he pulled the plug, I'm now very happy in a new relationship (2 years in) there's someone who is right for you!

The other alternative that works for some is an open relationship, I couldn't do it though

Oh and we did stick it until youngest turned 18 and to be honest I regret it now, I feel cheated for the 10 years or so I dragged my marriage out hoping it would improve

It's totally possible, long term, but given what else you've said why would you want to? He wants a housemate/housekeeper figure. You want a partner.

It's financially better to stay together, usually, but better in every other way to split up from what you've said.

Go where you'll be appreciated, but make sure you take time to enjoy being on your own first. I believe it protects from love bombers!

I'm the same age as you and it's been a couple of years for us (although there have been previous rocky patches). Your post made me want to cry at the thought of living like this for another ten years. I'm starting to think there's no answer to the question of how you know it's truly reached an end. Maybe we can only accept it when we're actually way past the end. Can you see any route in which you can stay happily married?

My dh has chronic pain which is why he stopped wanting to have sex, but the more difficult thing was that all physical intimacy stopped as well, and our emotional intimacy has just ebbed away. I initiated a conversation about all this in the spring, and he said he knew things weren' t good, but didn't realise I was starting to think about separating. But not much (anything?) has changed since then. I asked him on Friday night whether he thought he would ever want to have sex again - kind of expecting a reassuring yes of course one day - and he said he didn't know. I'm just so sad.

And I'm so sorry for hijacking your thread! I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, I just feel embarrassed and ashamed that it's been so long.

From next April divorce can be without any reason (IIRC), so it might be 'polite' to wait until then at least, so you don't need to come up with grounds of unreasonable behaviour.