Is a sexless marriage possible long term?

[Morethanthis71]

I suppose having recently turned 50 has prompted me to ask this question. Married 22 years and no intimacy on any level for the past 12 years, since my 11 year old was conceived. Husband is also 50, no known medical conditions. We have three children but he has always been very ambivalent towards sex. I was his first partner.
I don't think I can go on with this lack of love or feeling cherished in my life. I would consider myself attractive, certainly my friends day I am beautiful and I look after myself. I am a size 12/14 but fit and healthy.
Do people stay together because it's just easier to? He is a good Dad to our 3 children. We have paid off our mortgage, I have about 2k savings, he has more partly due to an inheritance, but part of me thinks I should try to save 10k before I start divorce proceedings. Over the years I have given up having the conversation about sex, I get absolutely nowhere. He has no interest in sex or intimacy at all and I do believe he would be the same if he were married to someone anyone else. I feel as if he only ever had sex with me, after the initial heady days when we first met, to create our children.
Is emotional neglect grounds for divorce?
He doesn't even write my name on the envelope of cards. I know that sounds pathetic but I feel as if he has ni connection with me at all.

If you save 10k won't it just go as part of the assets to be shared in a divorce?

It's awful @Morethanthis71 I am in the same situation. No intimacy of any kind for more than 10 years, and I feel as if we only really ever had sex with a mind to producing children. I've never felt wanted as a woman, more needed as the head of the house. He knows I'm unhappy, but has said to me that I should be happy and that I've got a good life. Yes, we've got two amazing kids, both got reasonable jobs, the house is small but it's enough, and I appreciate all of that. But to be so neglected as a woman, it is destroying me, and I can see it's doing the same to you. Like you, I keep myself fit and do get lots of nice compliments from men, but the one I'm married to couldn't give a monkeys. It's very frustrating. Yes, you can use emotional and physical neglect as unreasonable behaviour. I spoke to a solicitor a few days ago and he said straight away that this is enough reason to get the ball rolling. All I have to do now is find the courage to pick up the ball. Would you want to try again with him, or has it passed that point now? I am definitely past that point. If you are too, yes, get things sorted and move on now. The thing holding me back is that I want to stay in the house and keep the kids here, it's their home above all else. Do you do feel ok about moving out? If so, just do it. It's a cliché but you do only get one life. Good luck OP x

Yes, as @waterspider says, no fault divorce us coming through in April next year. I'm hoping to instigate separation really soon, and then go down the no fault route when I can. I'd rather just avoid any conflict.

I'd be okay without sex but not okay without intimacy and being made to feel invisible. I think in your situation I'd take up a pretend hobby but use that time seeing a boyfriend. Lots of men do it, they lie about it because they're chickenshit. If you're totally transparent about what you're doing with all parties involved then there's no moral reason not to. Life's short man.

I think you have every right to a different life if you would like one. 12 years without sex is not going to change, realistically.

I think trying an open marriage where things have got so distanced is asking for trouble. But try not to daydream about heading off to a friend. Realistically divorce would mean you would see the very worst of your husband come out - I would get advice first.

After 12 years it is doubtful that therapy is the answer. He seems to have checked out emotionally. Fast forward another 12 years and what does life look like?

Thank you all so much for your posts and private messages, I feel really listened to. So many things that you have said resonate with me. I'm not going to wait another 7 years. I do deserve better than this. I hope we can be adult enough about this to deal with it and to come to a compromise that we are both happy with, even if it means in the first instance that we both remain in the family home as neither of us will want to leave it.
I'm very very close to having a conversation with him about this. Perhaps when I've taken my eldest back to Uni in Sep and we then have a spare room to give us some flexibility. I can get through 2 weeks but I am determined to have a happier, more joyful life. I will keep you all posted. It is so sad but also so reassuring to know that it is not just me who feels like this.

Good luck

I’m 41 and last year my husband left me after 20 years together and 13 years married. We were the same, he never wanted sex after our children were born - around 11 years, despite me making attempts. I believed I was content with life though.
Since we separated I’m in a new relationship with a guy who finds me attractive and I realise what I’ve missed out on for all these years - it’s not just the sex (which is great!) but the emotional connection, the little things such as hugging on the couch, spooning and hand holding - all the little gestures that make you feel good.
I’ve never felt as good as I do right now and I’m so much happier out of the sexless, loveless marriage i was in xx

@Qwincy I'm so pleased for you! I wish to god mine would leave me! Sounds very similar, I thought I was ok just bumbling along, and that this was just normal married life with no sex. But then someone burst into my life and made me rethink everything. You're so right, all those little things that make you feel good, I don't have any of that with DH, but I know someone else would love to have that with me. He's waiting for the chance to do that, and I have to sort myself out before I lose it. I hope I get there like you!!

That's exactly it, there is no emotional connection at all and I work really really hard to ensure that I connect regularly with the kids because I want them to have a positive, emotional role model. You guys, don't underestimate how much your words are.emboldening me. Yesterday I started to ask, each and every time, why he was not giving me eye contact when he was speaking to me.
I genuinely think there is a wider issue on his part. Yesterday I watched the way he interacts with other people, very awkward, puts his hands in his pockets and kind of shrinks into himself.
His parents had no relationship whatsoever, his Mum really did rule the roost but was paranoid jealous and over bearing. He and his siblings all let her get away with her behaviour as none of them ever wanted to rock the boat. She made her 2nd husband, his father, have his own fridge!!!
Going to start to seek advice so that I am ready for next April but I am at a stage now where I want answers from him. Thank you all so much, and for those of you who have come out the other side thank you for sharing your story, as it is giving me hope xxx

I can't bring myself to have a conersation with him. I am really worried about making the whole situation implode. I don't want to be responsible for the kids not seeing him every day, I'd feel awful.
I did make contact with and meet someone from a dating site last week. He said I was more than easy on the eye and we had a fab snog. That was so nice after 12 cold years. But I just don't know where to start with OH.

Please don't judge me for that. I guess I just neeeed to know if I was attractive to others.

Not RTFT so this may have been mentioned, but could he be gay or asexual? Either way, you shouldn’t have to live with it and if you’re that unhappy you can and should leave. Good luck.

I don't judge you. But you know you're playing with fire, don't you? You still have a window to do this with dignity and honesty. It won't be pleasant, I know, but once you start going behind his back it will blow up in your face and get very ugly.

Deep breath. One step at a time. You can do this. You will be free.

How do I know if he is asexual? I'm fairly certain he's not gay. I don't know how to do this on my own , how can I tell anyone in RL without thinking they are judging or blaming me for this. I feel that if I was attractive to him, it wouldn't be an issue. I get what you are saying , Buffy, I really do want to act with dignity and honesty but I genuinely do not know where to start. Feeling so unloved has totally destroyed my confidence.

Maybe I mean undesired, not unloved. I know my children friends, family and colleagues love me.

I don't think it matters if he is asexual or gay or just has a very low drive or Issues or what. It's not your problem to fix and it probably can't be fixed anyway. Don't waste any of your precious time thinking about it.

Step 1 is telling him that you are very unhappy and you want to end the marriage. Just start by having that conversation.

It certainly is but depends on the circumstances and both people making an informed choice, which is not the case here. It sounds a bit like you want to be reassured that it’s ok to end a marriage for this reason. And it most certainly is.

Bottom line is: the situation with your husband is not going to improve, and you absolutely deserve more from life.

Divorce him.

I've been wondering how you are @Morethanthis71 I don't judge you at all for finding a little bit of comfort with someone, but it does complicate things, I know. But you have at least found that your fire is still there, ready for the flames to be fanned! Get things in order and make a plan to leave your marriage. I know its easier said than done. It took me years to pluck up the courage to go to a counsellor and let all of this out, and that was Feb 2019, I'm still not much further forward. But my DH does know how I feel, and that's a big step. I thought it would be THE big step, but I think saying the words "we need to separate" is the only thing that will convince him I'm serious. Both you and me cannot continue to waste years being unhappy. I am totally with you in that you don't want to be the one responsible for causing a massive change in your children's lives, but people do this all the time and it isnt the catastrophe they imagine. Even my friend who is going through a really really difficult divorce, both emotionally and financially, is far happier now than she ever has been and she has no regrets. We have to find our own happiness. You can't stay out of duty to your dh, he's a grown man, and he has to deal with it. We can do this x

So much of what you are saying resonates with me. My husband never uses my name, he doesn't touch me in any way, we haven't had sex for 8 years since we conceived our youngest.

It's different for me in that I know he loves me, and we have done counselling, but I don't know if I can live like this forever. I have a high sex drive, I want to feel desired, instead I feel invisible as you said upthread.

I haven't read all the comments, I'll come back when I feel able to, but I'm really interested in what people have to say.

@Morethanthis71

I can't bring myself to have a conersation with him. I am really worried about making the whole situation implode. I don't want to be responsible for the kids not seeing him every day, I'd feel awful. I did make contact with and meet someone from a dating site last week. He said I was more than easy on the eye and we had a fab snog. That was so nice after 12 cold years. But I just don't know where to start with OH.

I was so worried about the impact on my twin daughters but I can honestly say, a year on, that we are happier than we’ve ever been. They see their dad two nights a week and they love being with him. But I think the big difference is that I am so much happier and our home is as a result. So many people have commented on it and I think it’s because the day in day out grind of living without any love, care or affection takes it’s toll on you. As I said before, I’m in a relationship now with a great caring guy and he makes me so happy. I can’t believe that I lived that life for so long. I’m also so glad because so need to be a good role model for my daughters, they’re 11 and need to see what a happy loving relationship is so that have that for when they’re looking for and forming relationships. If I’d stuck with my husband for the sake of the children they wouldn’t have ever seen a happy mummy or what a relationship is when two people genuinely love and care for each other. You can totally do this. And good for you having a snog! I hadn’t had a kiss for 10 years other than a peck on the cheek And I’d forgo how great it makes you feel!!

You could be describing my last marriage. We were together for almost 20 years. I was totally invisible, no sex for 11 years, and I felt he despised me. Also very socially awkward. Would never instigate conversation with me. Silent treatment all evening, etc, etc. I finally had enough, and we split up. I am now happily married to someone wonderful at 49. It is hard to split up, especially when there are children involved, but they will be picking up on the vives in the house. Don't settle for sadness and loneliness in your marriage, be kind to yourself. All the best.

Thank you so much for gtelling your story and giving me light at the end of the tunnel
I am going to wait until DS1 goes back to Uni in 2 weeks, as we will then have a spare room. I think that would be sensible. I'm out and about today but there are so many of you I need to reply to or questions I need to answer. I will do.