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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How would your dh react ...

72 replies

Hopeful22 · 14/08/2021 14:53

Your having a bad day, kids are in from school, your house is a mess, your trying to cook/ clean, do homework etc ... maybe you've got stuff on your mind , either way you can just feel your going to lose it, your dh comes downstairs into the kitchen as he is working from home, he can see your flustered, you feel like your about to blow so you say, I'm actually having a bit of a moment here I feel like I going to lose the head over xyz .. I'm going to take 5 minutes upstairs just to get my head clear...
How does your dh react to this ? What does he say ? How does he help ? What's he thinking ?

I'm really interested in answers and I'll explain how my stbx would answer ...

OP posts:

Comedycook · 14/08/2021 14:55

He'd be fine with it but he wouldn't actually do any of the housework or cooking

SheABitSpicyToday · 14/08/2021 14:56

This happens almost daily in my house because I’m pregnant and have bipolar and am a literal nightmare to be around 🙃

He comes home from his 10 hour shift, cooks me dinner and runs me a bath. Hugs me while I have my daily cry and listens to my nonsense. Then he sits and watches all the crappy soaps with me in bed and brings me snacks. He is literally the best thing ever.

BaronessBomburst · 14/08/2021 14:56

Mine would make me a cup of tea, and tell me to stop worrying as he can help as soon as he's finished work.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 14/08/2021 14:58

My dh would go to the shop, get me a magazine and a bar of chocolate.. He would run me a bath and make tea and put ds to bed...
He is a real gem.

Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2021 15:00

I'd expect a 'No worries. Take five. I'll take over here'. Surely.

Pissinthepottyplease · 14/08/2021 15:01

If he was about to going into a meeting then he would have to go but my youngest is too little be left downstairs without someone else for more than 5 mins. If he didn’t have a meeting he would send me off for a walk and tidy up a bit.

SpringheelJack · 14/08/2021 15:03

It would depend entirely on his mood, how stressed/preoccupied he was about work, how well we'd been getting along that day. Could vary a lot! But I think that what I've described is a long way from the ideal, so....

Noworneverever · 14/08/2021 15:04

Mine would take over everything I was doing and let me leave the room. He might check on me later on but wouldnt even cross his mind to ask if I was going to finish whatever task it was, he would just assume I was out of action for the rest of the day or until I went back.
Same as I would for him.

RavenclawsRoar · 14/08/2021 15:04

As he'd just walked in he'd probably say "need me to do anything?" in case there was stuff cooking /a nappy-less toddler ransacking the living room, and then he'd take over. Wouldn't be an issue. He'd also check in with me when I came back to make sure I was OK.

Original poster

Hopeful22 · 14/08/2021 15:05

Wow ...OK just another reason why I'm justified in my decision. My dh would look at me as if I'm crazy, actually CALL me crazy , say to the kids your mother is having a meltdown in the kitchen stay away from her, make himself a cup of tea and go back upstairs to work. To which later on he would say "have you calmed down from your episode yet " ?

Sigh ... you sound like you have some lovely caring dh's there ladies , gives me hope

OP posts:

SquirryTheSquirrel · 14/08/2021 15:05

I asked him.

"Well, give you five minutes I suppose. I'd be worried about you"

Me: Would you take over the cooking?

"Yes."

2pinkginsplease · 14/08/2021 15:05

Mine would take over from what i was doing.

Shallysally · 14/08/2021 15:06

Mine would give me a huge hug, take over whatever needs to be sorted and tell me to go and have a break.
It’s what should happen as standard in a loving relationship, maybe not those exact actions but support and understanding.

ChickenSchnitzel · 14/08/2021 15:06

My DH would send me off to chill out and take over everything. I'd come back to dishes done, dinner cooked, and DC settled.

Sounds like you're not in this situation

mrssunshinexxx · 14/08/2021 15:06

If he was in the middle of work he would watch the kids but not do anything else
If he wasn't working he would take over

Shallysally · 14/08/2021 15:09

@Hopeful22

Wow ...OK just another reason why I'm justified in my decision.

You deserve better, even if that means being ok your own and ending the toxic relationship you are in.

PostMenWithACat · 14/08/2021 15:10

I think mine would probably ask how I would manage if he weren't there and then ask how often it happens with a knotted brow. He wouldn't have done anything personally but he would have thrown some money at it to make sure I had more help/breaks.

TwoZeroTwoZero · 14/08/2021 15:12

He'd probably say something similar to yours but in a joking manner and would pour me a cup of tea, tell the kids to behave and make sure everything's OK before getting back to work.

HumdrumGuga · 14/08/2021 15:12

He'd say go to bed and would sort whatever needed sorting.

Exh - I would not have even dared voicing this aloud, because he was abusive.

Good luck OP.

Original poster

Hopeful22 · 14/08/2021 15:14

This is one example of many ...many ways in which I haven't been supported or respected in my marraige. I felt like this was an important one though, because being made feel like I'm.crazy for showing normal human emotions to a normal every day occurrence in house up and down the country with kids and school and stress etc , it's just more of the controlling , gaslighting, emotional abuse I've normalised in my 15 year relationship. I know this behaviour is wrong from him but I've accepted it. But not anymore I'm.in the process of separating from him. We have 2 kids but I don't want them to see a dad talk and treat a mother like this , its not normal

OP posts:

MadMadMadamMim · 14/08/2021 15:14

He'd kiss me, take over the cooking and the kids and send me off upstairs to have a rest. He is large, calm, capable and kind.

You have to be a really selfish dickhead to see that the woman you love is struggling and do fuck all to help. I couldn't be with someone who prioritised making themselves a cup of tea and disappearing again.

I hope it gives you hope that you'd be better to dump this idiot and either stay single or raise your bar in what's acceptable.

Lan2020 · 14/08/2021 15:21

@Hopeful22 mine would be the same pretty much.
He'd say calm down, why are you always stressed (because I do everything whilst he has a drink and plays Xbox) and say, you should be calm like me. We'd then argue about him never helping and he would then say I'm an anxious, angry person and need medication for my mental issues.

Lan2020 · 14/08/2021 15:22

It's actually quite sad reading all the lovely replies.

NotMyCat · 14/08/2021 15:25

I would (I'm single) expect them to help

To put it into context, I had a bad day at work once and cried, and I never cry. My boss (who panics at the slightest mention of women's "things") went "oh er crap. You won't want a hug.. er" and vanished
He reappeared with a giant Starbucks Frappuccino for me and a cookie on the grounds that sugar might help
If my boss can do that, I expect a DP too!

EarringsandLipstick · 14/08/2021 15:29

@Lan2020

It's actually quite sad reading all the lovely replies.

Yes. I'd love to have had this.

Feeling a bit teary (but also happy!) at the nice DH out there.

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