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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would your dh react ...

72 replies

Hopeful22 · 14/08/2021 14:53

Your having a bad day, kids are in from school, your house is a mess, your trying to cook/ clean, do homework etc ... maybe you've got stuff on your mind , either way you can just feel your going to lose it, your dh comes downstairs into the kitchen as he is working from home, he can see your flustered, you feel like your about to blow so you say, I'm actually having a bit of a moment here I feel like I going to lose the head over xyz .. I'm going to take 5 minutes upstairs just to get my head clear...
How does your dh react to this ? What does he say ? How does he help ? What's he thinking ?

I'm really interested in answers and I'll explain how my stbx would answer ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopeful22 · 14/08/2021 15:29

@Lan2020 that's exactly how I feel reading all these replies...sad. Happy that you all have lovely , supportive partners and that's how it should be. But it makes me sad. I'm just glad I've finally woken up to this abusive way of life.

OP posts:
AdaFuckingShelby · 14/08/2021 15:31

@Hopeful22

Wow ...OK just another reason why I'm justified in my decision. My dh would look at me as if I'm crazy, actually CALL me crazy , say to the kids your mother is having a meltdown in the kitchen stay away from her, make himself a cup of tea and go back upstairs to work. To which later on he would say "have you calmed down from your episode yet " ?

Sigh ... you sound like you have some lovely caring dh's there ladies , gives me hope

Mine was like that too. I'm so much happier without that shit Grin
takingmytimeonmyride · 14/08/2021 15:32

My ex would go upstairs and drink, ignore me. Or tell me how hard he works while I do nothing.

My current boyfriend (though we don't live together) would probably hug me and let me have some time to myself to recharge.

Mammma91 · 14/08/2021 15:32

He would take DC, cook, stick a load of washing on and make me a cuppa. Are you ok OP?

Imcatmum · 14/08/2021 15:35

Mine would take over and tell me to stay away as long as I wanted. I'd come back after an hour though.

notacooldad · 14/08/2021 15:37

Mine used to say ' I'll bring you a brew in a minute sweetie' and he would take over.
Still does now even though the kids aren't little anymore.

Original poster
Hopeful22 · 14/08/2021 15:37

I'm sad for everyone who doesn't have a supportive partner ...like I said it gives me hope and faith that there are nice guys out there but I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to realise that this behaviour wasn't normal...I'm very slowly trying to extract myself from the nightmare that is my current life. Husband has no idea that he is like this or so he says, I think he knows he is all these things but will never admit it, he continues to believe its half my fault because sure amnt I always arguing back to him ?! He doesn't see that's just me standing up for myself not instigating , just defending myself, I'm exhausted from it

OP posts:
TheMoth · 14/08/2021 15:37

He'd ask me for a hug. I'd say no cos hugs don't make anything better. And I get very prickly when I'm stressed. He'd tell me to go out for a drive.

Dontwatchfootball · 14/08/2021 15:40

There are nice guys out there - and life is too short to accept this kind of crap. Hope you find someone who deserves you, OP.

bullyingadvice2017 · 14/08/2021 15:41

Urgh I had one of them, get shut
Life's so much better when you can live the life you want, without your whole life being built around their wants and whims, onlyfor them to give you a load of shit anyway.

BetaChangeMeUsernameAgain · 14/08/2021 15:45

@Hopeful22 Flowers [choc] Wine xxx

Original poster
Hopeful22 · 14/08/2021 15:54

Thanks everyone, it's very hard . I know its the right thing to do. But over the years your judgement gets worn down but as someone said just because its not physical doesn't mean its not abuse. Unfortunately it's my word against him not that I need justification, everyone who knows and knows me believes me but it makes it harder to constantly have to fight my corner. Im actually dealing with him basically saying , god don't be so dramatic , all married couples have arguments , and things like oh well its so sad to hear that your marraige and life has been so terrible after everything I've done for you ...
It's gaslighting and control , text book style , but it gets into your head and makes you doubt yourself.
But reading your replies to my original question just confirms that this marraige is NOT normal he just wants me to think it is

OP posts:
LondonJax · 14/08/2021 16:07

DH would, and does, say 'I'll bring you up a cup of tea - keep the door shut and I'll keep DS down here'. When he brought up the tea he'd check if there's anything that needed to be done right now or anything he can do to help. The only comment I'd get later would be 'just interrupt me if you've got a lot on or need a break'.

Just like I would for him.

jackstini · 14/08/2021 16:18

Mine would bring me a glass of wine, or ask if I wanted to go read in the garden for a bit as he knows that helps me

He's not perfect but he does do lots of house stuff anyway & knows sometimes things get on top of me (I may have to point this out occasionally!)

He would not call me crazy in front of the kids and basically piss on mental health issues

Sorry he's such a twat Thanks

Wincarnis · 14/08/2021 16:21

Ex would have complained that he was too tired to help because HE had been working (and therefore I had been doing nothing all day)

Quite envious reading some of the nice replies…. How things might have been etc etc….

Original poster
Hopeful22 · 14/08/2021 16:27

Yes i get a lot of " well I'm tired and stressed too you know " ?? As if I'm being so selfish 🙄🙄

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 14/08/2021 16:28

He’ll say ‘what can I do to help?’

bigbaggyeyes · 14/08/2021 16:36

Sounds like you're married to my ex husband op. I'm glad to say my now dh would tell me to run myself a bath and being me a glass for g&t to drink in the bath whilst he finished off cooking tea and looking after the kids.

My ex was an arse, if ever I said I was having a bad day or close to losing it, he'd tell me how much of a worse day he'd had. Or if he couldn't frump me, he'd call me mental or crazy. The best thing I ever did was divorce him :

Original poster
Hopeful22 · 14/08/2021 16:38

@bigbaggyeyes
It's these stories that are getting me through... I'm so at the start of everything that I feel like I'll never get through it ..
But that's exactly what he would have said to me, tit for tat , always a competition and then inevitably reverting to calling me crazy when I dare defend myself or get any way vocal

OP posts:
again2020 · 14/08/2021 22:09

It's lovely reading the supportive DH messages...but I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone OP.
Mine would say something along the lines of 'you're being hysterical/I work 5 days a week and you work 3/ you can't cope with one child and my mum had 4/you want to go upstairs so you can mope and sit on your arse...you get the idea 🙈
I'm glad he is your stbxh and you get out and enjoy your life away from this Flowers

romany4 · 14/08/2021 22:18

My DH would say.. Get yourself upstairs Romany or go for a walk and clear your head.

I get stressed and have sensory overload a lot and often need a walk to calm down. DH never has a problem with this.
And would never call me crazy..

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 14/08/2021 22:19

@Lan2020

It's actually quite sad reading all the lovely replies.
For me too. Something like this he probably would watch DC for 5 minutes, but I wouldn't let him in so he wouldn't know I needed help.
SallyDontTouchThatPie · 14/08/2021 22:24

He would tell me to go upstairs, he would carry on cooking and tell me he will bring me a cup of tea up in a minute. He would give strict instructions to the children to not disturb me. He would no doubt make them come into the kitchen and "help" whether that be getting cutlery out to set the table or stir the pan depending on the age of the child.

But then I knew that I married a man who showed emotions and wasn't competitive like my own Dad. He even sent me his last rolo through the post when we were in a long distance relationship for a short while. Grin

There is someone out there for you who doesn't see life as a competition as to who is having the hardest time. Leave this one and find that one.

Duckington · 14/08/2021 22:29

Mine would give me a big hug, take over and say take as long as you need, do you want me to bring you up a cuppa in a bit?

And then would bring me up snacks with the cuppa, and tell me not to worry, take as long as I need

Same as I’d do for him if he needed 5

Sorry you’ve had a rough time of it OP, but you’re doing the right thing - you deserve to be treated well and looked after (and it goes without saying, not be called crazy!)

Armychefbethebest · 14/08/2021 22:35

He would make me a brew send me to go and chill , probably save whatever I'd been cooking and order a takeaway then come and give me a hug and listen to my rant then we would sort the domestic shit out together he had done this after a 12 hour shift as well then nipped to the shop for my fave chocolate he is an absolute diamond x