How would your dh react ...

[Hopeful22]

Your having a bad day, kids are in from school, your house is a mess, your trying to cook/ clean, do homework etc ... maybe you've got stuff on your mind , either way you can just feel your going to lose it, your dh comes downstairs into the kitchen as he is working from home, he can see your flustered, you feel like your about to blow so you say, I'm actually having a bit of a moment here I feel like I going to lose the head over xyz .. I'm going to take 5 minutes upstairs just to get my head clear...
How does your dh react to this ? What does he say ? How does he help ? What's he thinking ?

I'm really interested in answers and I'll explain how my stbx would answer ...

My DH would offer to to sort the kids out with a take out for dinner, plus try to butter me up with a glass of fizz -(which I've obviously bought and chilled). Hope you are ok OP? x

My OH would say that's fine but doubt he would take over the cooking/cleaning unless I specifically asked him to, if I asked he would do it, otherwise he would just have a sit down.

DP would take over everything, bring me a cup of tea and ask if there was anything else I needed.

Ex would have bellowed at me that I was fucking mental, belonged in a secure unit, had Munchausens and if I ever embarrassed myself like that ever again, he'd take the kids, put them into care or move abroad and I'd never see them again. And then fuck off out for about six hours to visit his best friend ex girlfriend, the tosser.

I have had periods where I have done this fairly regularly, When I had two under threes and during the last lockdown. I asked DH to finish dinner which we did and then if I wasn't feeling better/was asleep he would put the kids to bed. He's always been ok about me escaping.

@Hopeful22

Thanks everyone, it's very hard . I know its the right thing to do. But over the years your judgement gets worn down but as someone said just because its not physical doesn't mean its not abuse. Unfortunately it's my word against him not that I need justification, everyone who knows and knows me believes me but it makes it harder to constantly have to fight my corner. Im actually dealing with him basically saying , god don't be so dramatic , all married couples have arguments , and things like oh well its so sad to hear that your marraige and life has been so terrible after everything I've done for you ... It's gaslighting and control , text book style , but it gets into your head and makes you doubt yourself. But reading your replies to my original question just confirms that this marraige is NOT normal he just wants me to think it is

I don't trust myself anymore, years of him tying me in knots mentally, making me feel in the wrong, making me feel responsible for his behaviour. DH flat out denies he's said or done things, I've misinterpreted him, I'm petty asking him to do anything more when he's so stressed from work, he didn't say that or didn't mean it that way, it's my fault he's angry and if I only did more, we had sex more, he'd be nice. It's always my fault. I trusted him more than Ive ever trusted anyone and he used that to mess up my head. I can logically think his behaviour is wrong and I need to leave, but then there's all these other voices in my head telling me I should try harder, do more, it's my fault. Then there's the worries about how DC will cope with his behaviour. Our eldest doesn't trust him, I don't trust him. I know I have to get out, trying to find the strength to do it.

If mine had finished work or could reasonably stop ie not in a meeting then he would take over the cooking and make sure DC got their homework done.
If he couldn't get away from work he'd tell me to leave everything until he finished then he'd do dinner. DH doesn't mind cooking.

I have been in a similar position and justcsaid I need 10 mins out by myself and he doesn't mind.

Make me a cup of tea, say leave that x, y or z until I’m finished. Then we’d tackle getting on top of everything together that evening.
I wouldn’t mind doing more than him in the evening, i like to feel I am “on top” of things.

My ex would throw a tantrum and go to bed i asked him to watch the children and the rice while I went to the toilet once so he sent the children to sit outside the toilet waiting for me then he joined them then he got a fucking stepladder so he could peer in the glass at the top to see what silly mummy was doing (I had an upset stomach and I HATE people listening to me when I'm on the toilet)

The rice burned he blamed my daughter who was in her room at the time....

That would never happen because I would feel no need to explain why I needed five mins. I would just say "oh good you're here, can you take over for a bit?" knowing that unless he had to get back to a work call he would.

@Spondooliesforholibobs

Make me a cup of tea, say leave that x, y or z until I’m finished. Then we’d tackle getting on top of everything together that evening. I wouldn’t mind doing more than him in the evening, i like to feel I am “on top” of things.

He might say leave it, but it would all be there for me to do the next day. He won't even wipe the table if I'm lying down sick.

On the average it seems that the most obvious and normal response would be for the dh to take over and let the other half decompress and take time to get sorted. I'm still actually shocked that I AM shocked at the responses because what seems very normal to most of you seems so totally out of reach for me in my relationship and again it's back to being conditioned to believe that this is the best I can get. Stop being so dramatic and demanding and just get on with things ...
It's not right and for anyone else who would get a similar response to what my dh would reply , you seriously need to think about what's going on. Now as I said, this is 1 of MANY problems in my marraige but it should seriously be seen as a red flag imo.
@LunaAndHerMoonDragons it sounds like you are having a really hard time too ? The hardest part for me is sticking to this decision, I have said I wanted to separate many times before but always went back. Sometimes its just the last straw and you know in your head there is no way back. I've been told by husband that there will be consequences, repercussions, financial, kids etc ...but I cannot let anything hold me back this time. I'm doing this for me and the kids so they will have a happier life and a healthy view of relationships. I hope you manage to find the strength x

I hope you are ok op. Mine would be totally unpredictable. Either Angelic husband sent from heaven or load of snarling for being lazy. Which is why I'm in the same situation as you, and others of course on this thread. All I know is it's not right, I don't want you or anyone else to feel how I feel. You're not alone ❤️.

Mine would instantly spring into action, ask me what I need, tell me to take WAY more than five minutes, assure me he has everything handled and I should take my time. If I express concern, he'll look at me quizzically, and say 'my love- I'm a grown ass man! DC and I will do something together, no problem" (not our DC, mine...) Then he would come upstairs half an hour later, with a refreshed cup of tea and a little plate with nibbles on it, give me a kiss, hug and ask if he can bring me anything else..... and probably tell me he'd rearranged his work so he can cover for another hour and I should just relax.

Oh and when I come down stairs again, the place has been cleaned and tidied.

Mine would be stressed by the mess and disorder. He would feel that my incompetence meant that he would be forced to step in and would feed his idea that he is the only one who can do anything. It would bring out the worst in him in other words.

@Hopeful22

Sometimes its just the last straw and you know in your head there is no way back. I've been told by husband that there will be consequences, repercussions, financial, kids etc ...but I cannot let anything hold me back this time. I'm doing this for me and the kids so they will have a happier life and a healthy view of relationships.

Proceed with caution and discretion, OP. If he's already threatened you with consequences he's likely to already be putting things in place to ensure you regret any attempt at separation/divorce. He will already be ahead of you.

Watch out for the favourite of emptying the bank and savings accounts, moving/hiding money etc.

I'm unsure how dependent you are, financially, on this person so first thing to do is check how you manage (eg would you be eligible for benefits/Universal Credit, etc. www.entitledto.co.uk, check the CMS website regarding child maintenance due from him, can you get evidence of his current finances (scan/copy with your phone) to focus discussions with a lawyer?? If you can't move other important documents (eg passports, wedding and birth certificates) copy them and store everything safely offsite and/or on a Cloud account he has no access to.

Change your pin code on your phone and passwords to your personal bank accounts... ensure your electronic devices are not linked to any of his.

Good luck. I hope you manage to successfully get away from him. 🌹

OP, I hope you are ok today? Ironically my "DH" kicked off last night. It's true what people say they do get worse. He used to just mutter insults at me that I could just hear. And then deny it. I've had to record it to prove it to myself. Now, he denigrates me so the kids can hear. I'm so anxious but I've had enough. My point is it won't stop.

He would take over the cooking and do anything else to help.

@Beelzebop I've had that recently too , major passive aggressive comments directed at me in front of the kids so he knows I won't react because I don't want then hearing us argue. It's despicable behaviour from.them really is. It's the living with eggshells that I hate never knowing when it's going to kick off or over what. It's no way to live. I hope your OK? 😭

Lots of love to you, it is no way to live. Thank you for emphasizing that. I'm a bag of nerves to be honest. Dreading his return from work. Don't stay like this!

@Theunamedcat What in the actual fuck? It's mad what these men get us to accept as normal while calling us nuts.

My first ex was like this (20 years ago and thankfully only 18 months) but it was so long ago reading a similar story has me seeing it as the level of batshit it was through adults eyes.

In my case he let pasta boil dry because he was hanging out the window listening to me talk to the elderly neighbour about my A level results/future plans and then he blamed me for making him suspicious enough to do that, which I did by wearing summer clothes in summer.

Fucking loony he was.

He would give me a hug tell me to head upstairs he will finish the dinner and serve it up. A few minutes later he would come upstairs with a cup of tea and ask if I'm ok?