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Original poster

Tinder/POF

79 replies

androidmatic · 14/08/2021 13:56

Do you state on dating profile on either Tinder or POF that you are actively looking for a long term relationship or does that sound desperate?

I don't personally know anyone who has had a good word to say about online dating.

OP posts:
Original poster
androidmatic · 16/08/2021 23:25

@Ringonrighthand I think as long as we both liked the outdoors and countryside that would be a start. I'm 38 so looking for someone with an age gap of no more than 5 years generally give or take.

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 16/08/2021 23:26

I used pof and bumble, on pof I would hide my profile to avoid all the unwanted messages and just search for someone I liked the look of and message them, eventually it worked and have found someone really really lovely

Buggritbuggrit · 16/08/2021 23:29

@androidmatic Fair enough. That bit of my comment was mostly in response to you not knowing anyone who had anything positive to say about online dating. I personally enjoyed it, but understand that YMMV. Hopefully some of the rest of my wall of text was/will be helpful.

I also think @TheFoundations advice is all excellent.

I really do hope this works out for you.

Original poster
androidmatic · 16/08/2021 23:43

@Buggritbuggrit Your advice was helpful. I think internet dating probably works for someone who enjoys online interaction but for me I need to know if I have chemistry with someone and don't want to waste time to chat with someone only to meet in person and find out we don't click.

Even video chat doesn't help much to determine chemistry.

I think it's best I don't do it as don't deal with rejection well and take it personally. Had a lot of rejection growing up and had counselling to deal with it but it never gets better of helped much. I know I'm a very sensitive person and had a lot of invalidation growing up and I think this is why I have such shit dating experiences.

OP posts:
ShitShop · 16/08/2021 23:50

I met DP on POF 10 years ago so lots may have changed since then. I searched in a 10 mile radius Grin. Age range was about 10 years younger and 10 older, so plenty of scope there and I got chatting to quite a few nice guys and met a couple of them too before DP.

Pretty sure I said I was looking for a long term relationship, because I was, and didn’t want people thinking I was looking for a hook up.

ShitShop · 16/08/2021 23:51

And I didn’t do video chatting or phoning before meeting up. I hate phones so just went straight from messaging for a couple of days to meeting up.

Original poster
androidmatic · 16/08/2021 23:56

@shitshop a radius of 10 miles. I'm lucky if I see anyone within 50 miles. I'm quite rural but driving an hour away to meet a complete stranger i wouldn't do again. I've had nothing but negative experiences of OLD

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 17/08/2021 00:01

I like online dating but fair enough if you hate it. It seems like it's set up for people in cities really. But I like email, texting, phone calls, video calls. I was always honest in what I did say but didn't say a lot in my profile.

I liked Hinge but met more people off niche sites.

ShitShop · 17/08/2021 00:11

[quote androidmatic]@shitshop a radius of 10 miles. I'm lucky if I see anyone within 50 miles. I'm quite rural but driving an hour away to meet a complete stranger i wouldn't do again. I've had nothing but negative experiences of OLD[/quote]
Yeah I wouldn’t want to go to any great effort to have dinner with someone I’ve never met either!

I was quite lucky my DP scraped in as he’d put down his location as where he works, not where he lives - he’s actually about 15 miles away Grin

Original poster
androidmatic · 17/08/2021 00:20

@shitshop when I was 25 I travelled all the way to Birmingham to meet a guy who shared similar interests and outlook. We chatted on the phone first and did video chat but when we met in person zero chemistry and we actually didn't get on. I remember feeling so pissed off I had wasted £60 on a train fare. Looking back was a stupid thing to do and for that reason Id never travel far again. You live and learn not to repeat the same mistake.

OP posts:
jozipozi31 · 17/08/2021 08:32

Aw this thread is making me happy 😊

Why? Because you're confirming everything I've thought and been kind of analysing for a long while.

And it's why I'm developing something that takes the 'dating app' out of the dating app ... something much more natural and intuitive. I'll get back to you at the testing stage 🙂

Getbehindme · 17/08/2021 08:40

Sign me up! I often wonder if the apps are often built with really good intentions but it is people that ruin them!

Right, first match - convo is very slow. I know there is no right or wrong but at the start is it common for these things to take a while to establish?

RantyAunty · 17/08/2021 08:46

I don't think it matters much what you put. Men tend to fast swipe on any woman's picture they're attracted to.

They're going to lie and say they're looking for a relationship whether they are or not as they know that's what women want.

I'd only date short distances.
Married men and men with something to hide seek out longer distances.

TheFoundations · 17/08/2021 09:18

People who see dating as a process where you meet people so that they can look you over and decide whether or not they like you, find dating stressful.

People who see dating a process where you meet people so that you can look them over and decide whether or not you like them, find dating more enjoyable.

I wish I was like other people

Your whole perspective is skewed. You have 'I'm a bit faulty' goggles on. Take them off. It's like you've got yourself on a reverse pedestal; why do you think that you, and your wants, and your needs, are so special that they would be off-putting? Do you really think you're the only person who finds dating hard? Do you really think that you're the only person who wants a proper relationship?

There's nothing unusually or outstandingly unpleasant about you or your wants and needs that will put everybody off; you're totally normal.

Do you have friends or family who tell you you'd be a lovely partner? Who you feel easy with, who you can be completely yourself with? That's how it'll feel when you meet your ideal date; the nerves will turn into excitement, and you simply won't want to leave. Any date you meet, just go for a drink. If you're not feeling it, that's all it is; a glass of wine or a coffee, and then you get up, and you say 'Well, it's been lovely to meet you - good luck with everything, take care!' and you go home.

The only time it's anything like a problem is if you really like someone and they give you the brush off; but how many of those have you met so far?

TheFoundations · 17/08/2021 09:24

@Getbehindme

Sign me up! I often wonder if the apps are often built with really good intentions but it is people that ruin them!

Right, first match - convo is very slow. I know there is no right or wrong but at the start is it common for these things to take a while to establish?

It doesn't matter what's 'common', unless your requirement for a relationship is that it ticks all the boxes for being average.

If the other person is slower to respond than you'd prefer, move along. Don't try to change what you want so that your preferences are the same as theirs, unless you want that to be the pattern for your relationship.

21Bee · 17/08/2021 10:13

Have you tried Muddy Matches OP? It’s a dating site specifically for country people, you might find more people with things in common.

jozipozi31 · 17/08/2021 10:15

@Getbehindme I'll put you on the list 😉

Getbehindme · 17/08/2021 10:24

@TheFoundations

People who see dating as a process where you meet people so that they can look you over and decide whether or not they like you, find dating stressful.

People who see dating a process where you meet people so that you can look them over and decide whether or not you like them, find dating more enjoyable.

I wish I was like other people

Your whole perspective is skewed. You have 'I'm a bit faulty' goggles on. Take them off. It's like you've got yourself on a reverse pedestal; why do you think that you, and your wants, and your needs, are so special that they would be off-putting? Do you really think you're the only person who finds dating hard? Do you really think that you're the only person who wants a proper relationship?

There's nothing unusually or outstandingly unpleasant about you or your wants and needs that will put everybody off; you're totally normal.

Do you have friends or family who tell you you'd be a lovely partner? Who you feel easy with, who you can be completely yourself with? That's how it'll feel when you meet your ideal date; the nerves will turn into excitement, and you simply won't want to leave. Any date you meet, just go for a drink. If you're not feeling it, that's all it is; a glass of wine or a coffee, and then you get up, and you say 'Well, it's been lovely to meet you - good luck with everything, take care!' and you go home.

The only time it's anything like a problem is if you really like someone and they give you the brush off; but how many of those have you met so far?

I'm working on this myself. I found myself not swiping really good looking people to save them the trouble. But then I thought, if they happen to swipe me then fine, I'll see if they're good for me! It's a process to move yourself from the 2nd class citizen to the important one in this equation. I'm starting to see OLD as part of that process for me. I'm worthy of a good partner.
SpacePug · 17/08/2021 10:39

I met my DH on tinder in 2016, my DDis met her DP on there the same.month and they're also still together. We have 2 DC now too. You can set a distance limit and age limit, I didn't want to date anyone younger than me, I was 26 i was so close to setting my limit to 26-32 but I went with 25 and what do you know, my future DH was 25! I can't imagine if I didn't set it at 25 and never met him. I had maybe 10 tinder dates before him, some lasted 1 date, a few dates or a few months. Good luck! I don't think it's bad to state you are looking for a relationship in the bio

TheFoundations · 17/08/2021 10:40

I'm starting to see OLD as part of that process for me. I'm worthy of a good partner

Yes! Reject them, let them reject you. If you're not wiling to be rejected even by strangers you don't care about, it'll make the process very painful, but if you can see it as a filtering process, it's fun. I mean, nobody expects to be compatible with everybody whose face they like, right? And some of the good looking people - they're right gits. You are filtering just as much as they are.

Go forth and filter, and be filtered in your turn!

Original poster
androidmatic · 17/08/2021 11:05

@21bee Yes but the closest person was 50 miles away and not my type.

OP posts:
Original poster
androidmatic · 17/08/2021 11:15

@TheFoundations I'm finding your advice really helpful.

How soon should you reject someone on an app if they don't respond or if you move the conversation to WhatsApp or Telegram?

Wish there was a good book on how to improve self confidence and assertiveness on getting what you want out of dating and getting needs met.

My style of contact is face to face communication and prefer someone who is responsive in like doesn't take days to reply. I generally get the impression of its like 3 days then they aren't interested.

OP posts:
Getbehindme · 17/08/2021 11:41

Although not a recognised professional, I have enjoyed Baggage Reclaim quite a lot. Its a lot about not just accepting any old crappy behaviour etc. I was pondering if this guy liked me, I was always initiating contact etc then I read that a realised I was probably projecting on to him what I hoped he would be. And he wasn't.

TheFoundations · 17/08/2021 11:46

How soon should you reject someone

There are no 'shoulds'. Get rid of the idea that there are 'shoulds'. We have laws, and apart from that, there are NO guidelines, there is NO advice, there is NOTHING anybody here can tell you about what's ok and what's ok. It might sound a bit like 'Oh, shit, how the hell am I supposed to know what to do, then??', but the fact is this:

YOU know the answers, and YOU are responsible for making the right decisions, for YOU. This is ALL ABOUT YOU.

It's perfectly ok not to respond to a message for a week. Some people will find that ok, some will not. What are YOUR feelings about it? It's perfectly ok to want a response within 2 days. Some people will find that ok, some will not. What are YOUR feelings about it?

Make your decisions on what your feelings are, rather than what you think should be happening. So if the other person doesn't respond for 3 days and it makes you think 'Um... feels a bit like he's not interested in me much...', then deem that persons natural responses, from the off, to be something that makes you feel he's not interested in you much. Then work out if that's how you want to feel in your relationship.

Go on dates if the person has you thinking 'I like the timing of your responses; they're not too quick for me, and not too slow for me, and I like the things you say; you seem respectful of me and you listen and respond in a way that I enjoy'

If anybody has you questioning yourself ('He seems to be taking ages to respond but am I just being oversensitive? Am I getting it wrong? What should I want?') then back away. You simply won't question yourself in a healthy relationship. Think about your closest, nearest and dearest friends/family. Think about your relationships in the past, when they've been healthy and happy. Questioning yourself and questioning their whys and wherefores simply doesn't happen.

Take responsibility for yourself: what your future partner will do at the dating stage (and mostly at all stages) are things that make you feel nice.

OrlandointheWilderness · 17/08/2021 11:51

I met my new bf on bumble. I selected looking for relationship and was always completely upfront about the fact I wasn't looking for something short term.