Tinder/POF

[androidmatic]

Do you state on dating profile on either Tinder or POF that you are actively looking for a long term relationship or does that sound desperate?

I don't personally know anyone who has had a good word to say about online dating.

@TheFoundations good post!

Those with kids, do you say you have kids? I'm seeing it as a bit of an advertising point for men (like - well done me, I'm still parenting the child I helped create) but for women is it more risky?

Personally, I’m upfront and say what type of relationships I am looking for and that I have kids. I also don’t use photoshopped photos. Unfortunately that isn’t always the case for the men I’ve been in communication with!

I'm always really up front about having a DD. I don't see the point in chatting to someone who that would be an issue for as it's just delaying the inevitable...

Saying that, I'm looking for a serious LTR. If I wasn't it might be less of an issue if he wanted kids or not.

I'm 39 and had a complicated pregnancy with my DD so I don't plan to have any more DC's.
For that reason I prefer to date men who also have DC. Men without DC would either want their own (so not for me) or don't want DC (so not for me as I want a serious LTR and my dd isn't going anywhere!)

I guess if you're looking to attract matches for light hearted chat or a bit of fun then maybe you wouldn't mention it, but if you're interested in anything serious I'd always say up front. If not it's your own time you're potentially wasting as well as that of the matches

Yes, I could say I co-parent and looking to enjoy my time away from family life?

Kinda saying I'm not looking for blended families and a new dad for my girls.

I'm the same, I'm generally swiping for men with DCs with the odd few who haven't been clear on what they're after.

@alexa677 I totally agree with being upfront about having children. I personally don't want children and make that pretty clear early on as well.

Not convinced you meet better people by using a paid service either. I thought I'd give Badoo a go and paid £5.99 for a week just to see what it was like but it's crap so I can imagine paid for Tinder is the same. I've just joined a walking and cycling group as well as love the outdoors lifestyle.

@TheFoundations Good post. You are right, if my profile scares off people then better it does as they wouldn't be suitable anyway.

Also if the profiles aren't photo verified I swipe left as it doesn't show they are serious. I am pleased Tinder offers verification as gives peace of mind.

Online dating is just a way of meeting people. What happens after you meet doesn't need to be dictated by the fact you met online.
Like you, I wasn't interested in something long distance. I found Tinder annoying because it was hard to filter by home distance. And so many people write very little on there. PoF was a bit random. If I were doing it again I'd use Bumble or Hinge as so many get on well with them.
Loads of people, male and female, seemed to put whether they were looking for a LTR or "not looking for anything serious at the moment", so I don't think you should be shy about stating what you want.
With the chap I'm seeing now, we already knew each other but also matched on apps. I knew that he was nicer and better - looking in real life than his profile on the site. I think this might be common. We're all aware that some people oversell themselves and use flattering pics on dating sites, but there are also people who aren't good at self-promotion and will be much nicer in real life than they seem online. The way to find your diamond in the rough is to start sifting through the heap
Give it a go - at the very least you'll end up with some experiences to commiserate about with Mr Right who you met in the supermarket!

I met a guy on POF, we both had had a very bad 12months so both stated we only wanted friendship. He lived 30 miles away, he came to me, we walked my dog. Then we went bowling. Met a few days later and went bowling again with his best friend and his girlfriend.

4 years on we are engaged and have 2 beautiful DD's

Believe me I have tried but there does come a point where you have to think doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is madness.

I think you need to give people a chance on online dating.
Everyone seems to be searching for perfection and that just doesn't exist.
I met DP of 18 on Bumble and I'm 46

Omg 18 months that should read!!! He's not 18 !!!!

@androidmatic

Believe me I have tried but there does come a point where you have to think doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is madness.

New people enroll every day, so you're doing the same thing, but the recipients are different, That's not madness; that's finding your audience. It's absolutely imperative that at this stage, and all other stages, you represent yourself exactly as you are. If you don't have any success with OLD, go and represent yourself exactly as you are elsewhere, but don't compromise on being you. Unless you want a relationship in which you compromise on being you.

I wouldn’t put long term but I’d say looking for a relationship

I met my lovely DP on tinder and I’ve never been happier

Oh my, just got my first match.

@Allypallya

Omg 18 months that should read!!! He's not 18 !!!!

Hard lol on that.

Hahaha I did feel a bit shocked that he was 18 @Allypallya 😂😂

I put “no hook ups” on mine. I did pof and tinder and had a year or so of dating before I thought I’d give up then signed back up for one last chance and Met my boyfriend of 18 months. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in a relationship so I’m glad I persevered but it was an emotional roller coaster at points before I met him! Worth it tho in the long run 🤞🏽

I was 44 and him 48 when we met btw

@androidmatic
I found my husband to be on tinder coming 6 years now, took a few swipes to find him but could not be happier just make it clear your not up for just fun or one nite stands.

@TheFoundations I'll keep it in the background but going to look at other ways too.

@Ringonrighthand did you pay for Tinder Gold? And when you used POF did you take any notice of the Like to meet me feature?

@androidmatic no I didn’t pay, I just swiped etc.
On pof I ignored the want to meet me bit, ignored loads of messages from people I had no interest in but I would sometimes “favourite” someone so that they would see me then hopefully message me. I did that with current partner and it worked! 🤣

I met my beloved (and he is absolutely perfect for me) online. I also had some great conversations and went on some really lovely dates with some really lovely men. Hinge and OKC worked for me, Tinder never really appealed. I think that different sites cater to different demographics geographically. So while those two were great for me (central London, early 30’s professional), a different site might have been better suited to my needs if I were in Paris/the Midlands/Australia. People have reported such VERY different experiences on the exact same sites! I also think that the paid experience is generally better, as you get more scope with which to make choices.

Anyway, I gave zero chances. Women are often socialised to ‘give them a chance’ because of reasons XYZ (they might be nervous, they might be better in person, they might have recently had an anvil dropped on their head). I do not consider this to be a particularly effective (or, from the woman’s perspective, particularly fun) approach. I made an actual literal list of the non-negotiable things I was seeking in a partner, and just didn’t waste time on anyone who didn’t fit that criteria. I was super clear in my profile about what I was looking for, and extremely ruthless about swiping left. I spoke to people for at least a week prior to meeting and I asked questions, so I had a relatively good handle on who they were and what they were like beforehand. I did not exchange numbers until after the second date (I don’t see any reason to, you can chat just as easily on an app and it’s much easier to get rid of people that way).

If anyone was rude, lewd or boring at any point in a conversation, I unmatched them. If they didn’t ask me enough questions, I unmatched them. You get the general idea. Some people feel bad about doing this, but your love life is not a charitable organisation or a halfway house. If someone’s not what you’re looking for, then cut them off.

So, my advice is to be super picky and clear on what you want, but to also try to have a good time. Dating is meant to be fun! Good luck, OP.

@Ringonrighthand The only thing I go on whether I swipe is if we have the same interests although that isn't that important compared to sharing the same values. Is that what made you swipe right?

@Buggritbuggrit that's just it I don't enjoy dating and find it stressful. I wish I was like other people but I really just don't enjoy it. I don't want to be single but at the same time I know I'm happiest when I'm not dating. Hopefully someone who reads this may feel similar as I can't be the only one to feel this way.

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@androidmatic yeah you don’t have to have all the same interests but obviously some common ground is better. There was no swiping as it was pof so I made him a favourite and he messaged me and we chatted straight away, we had our first date the next day and it’s gone from there. It’s been really easy and plain sailing which at first I took to mean it wasn’t right but I soon realised that good relationships aren’t about ups and downs they are about becoming best friends who fancy the pants off each other! Ha!
I set distance and age barriers but obvs on pof that doesn’t stop people messaging you. Doesn’t mean you have to reply tho! Try swiping on a couple of people who don’t have the full list of things in common with you, you could be disregarding someone who is good for you based on minimal detail!