I want the life other people have.

[Doesthisgetbetter]

I’m really unhappy in my life. I look at social media and out and about at people who have kids and a partner and a dog and I want that life.

I carry so much past trauma from abusive marriage and illnesses thanks to that I’ll have forever. I’m so tired of it all. Struggling as a single parent with no father and they are struggling and playing up, I think they blame me and have started to tell me they hate me and want another mum. I’m struggling to keep working and juggling with childcare, I’m tired all the time from my illness. I’m tired of just struggling all the time and cry at night.

Is this my life now, I want what other have, I feel so different.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

Maybe a visit to the GP is in order? Have you had any counselling or support after coming out of the abusive relationship?

Maybe you don't have the life you'd like right now, but you've been dealt a shitty hand and you're doing your best. And you're out of the abuse and a survivor, you're amazing.

Things change and it won't always be this hard.

How old are the kids?

Sorry you are feeling this way OP. Do you have any support around you? Have you thought about having counselling maybe? It could be useful for dealing with past trauma.

Also one thing I will say about what people put about their relationships on social media, people often just put the highlights on there, usually things aren’t as perfect as they seem!

Yes I’ve had some counselling and I’ve tried anti depressants in the past and I don’t get on well with them. The thing is nothing can make my illness any better, it gets me down.

I feel so abnormal compared to everyone, absolutely everything is a struggle. I have a boyfriend, he is lovely but he has absolutely no idea how I feel or even how to comprehend how I feel. He has his own house and I have my own. Friends are saying just move in and then it will be easier, financially yes but it’s only been a year and I dread having to go through what I have done already at court in the divorce. I also fear he will get fed up with me as I will always have this illness, it may get a lot worse. I’m just so worried about my life and future.

They are both under 6.

I feel so abnormal compared to everyone, absolutely everything is a struggle. I have a boyfriend, he is lovely but he has absolutely no idea how I feel or even how to comprehend how I feel.

This is where you have to start. You really need to tell him how much you’re struggling. Why haven’t you told him? If he’s as lovely as you say, he’ll want to support and help you through this.

The old saying is true “A problem shared is a problem halved”. Please talk to him.

No, I wouldn't move in thinking it would make life easier - too soon is too soon, and it's the wrong reason really. And if it turns out to be the wrong relationship, it would be a horrible mess. (Your friends are short-sighted idiots). Stay independent.

Little kids said hurtful things - it's testing boundaries, and they feel safe with you to do it. Horrible and hurtful. Just say "ouch, that's not a very nice thing to say, darling - but I love you!" in as upbeat way as you can manage.

If you think it might be your ex priming them, you might want to look into parental alienation.

As they get older and more independent, things will get easier.

He does know and I do speak to him but he has no life experience to really help me. He gives me cuddles etc and it’s nice but I still have all the same struggles afterwards. I am hard work I think and I often think if I offload too much he will probably run.

Are there support groups for people with your illness? It might be worth reaching out and at least being able to share experiences and advice. Whether just online or in person groups.

They haven’t seen him in years but I suspect that he has said lots before and they are now big enough to remember.

We have just taken them camping with my boyfriend who they get on well with but have recently started saying things to him also. I had 3 days of I hate you, one of them is worse, she said she is off to get another mum, I want to live with dad (who never did anything) You take me boring places, buy me boring toys, I hate you over and over, hitting me and him if we asked her to do something, so I cut the trip short and came home. I’m so tired and I know they hurting also, it’s sad.

I’m sorry you’re struggling.
It sounds really difficult.

Firstly, forget social media. You don’t know the struggles or real lives from other people based on a few happy pics of a day out. You could take your dc out and put a few pics up. All it shows is that you had a day out.

Secondly, please get more help for your illness. Your health is so important. Without managing that, you’ll struggle with everything. You haven’t said exactly what it is but have a look at everything that can help, medication, counselling and lifestyle changes.

Thirdly, look at how you can improve your relationship with your dc. Children under 6 saying they hate you and want a different mummy sounds like you need some support to make changes.

Fourthly, talk to your boyfriend. You need support and if he loves and cares about you, he will show that.

You say you want other people's lives like kids and a partner but you have both of those.

Ok so the kids are playing up, so it's the weekend, can you get out to the park and throw a ball around? Interactive exercise works wonders for all especially with a bit of sunshine thrown in.

I think when things are hard everyone forgets what they do have.

Have a big declutter of their bedrooms and say they can have £20 in the charity shops as there can be great stuff in there.

Many people would love X2 kids and a partner. You already have the building blocks of a great life. I think you might just have forgotten that.

Forget about housework for the weekend.
Go and have some fun with the people you do have.

Please don't compare yourself with others. Social media is never a good measure of what other people's lives are like. It is edited highlights. The same is true of seeing people out and about. What looks like a very happy loving couple with the perfect family and dog could be nothing of the sort.

Instead, try to list in your mind or on paper all the things you have done well and are still doing well. You got out of a dangerous marriage. Give yourself some respect for that. You have a job, despite your illness. That is a bigger achievement than you probably give yourself credit for. You have DC. They may be going through a horrible phase but lots of children are with lockdown having taken such a toll on everyone's health and mood. But you have them. And you have a boyfriend. You wisely say you don;t want to offload too much incase he runs off but you do enjoy the cuddles and affection and break from the relentlessness when you are with him.

I wasn't sure if your illness was mental but if it is, I find just trying to make as many mini breaks from it in any day is really helpful. A hug from your partner, a TV show that makes all the family laugh, a coffee in the garden or by the window, taking in some fresh air and looking at the sky or birds etc. Lots of micro-breaks away from the negativity and exhaustion. It can help.

Does she have any behavioural issues at school?

Maybe it's worth seeing if there's something else going on behind her behaviour? Or looking into child or family therapy?

Hi @Doesthisgetbetter

I could have written your post about 10 years ago. I had left my abusive ex for about 6 years and my two kids were 8 and 11 and everything I did wasn’t good enough. I worked full time and they resented spending so much time with their dad’s parents who they didn’t like much but I didn’t have any choice if I wanted to keep a roof over their heads as ex has never given me a penny.

Anyway you don’t say much about your kids ages or how long you’ve been separated but what I can say for an absolute fact is that though a situation may feel endless nothing lasts forever. Kids always take their anger and frustration out on you because you’re closest to them and they know you love and always will love them unconditionally.

If you think it would help I would see if they’d benefit from seeing a counsellor as many schools offer this now even if you can’t afford to pay privately or wait on the NHS. My eldest needed a lot of help as he got older as a result of my ex husband who unsurprisingly wasn’t just abusive to me but also in other ways to them.

It’s very hard and often very lonely being a single parent, I was always uncomfortable around other sets of married school parents so I didn’t really socialise much with them which is hard for you and your kids. Do you have friends from before your marriage you can spend time with? I mainly socialised with them and people from work when I had a chance to go out.

If there is any way you can you should try and not feel guilt about trying to carve some time out for yourself. Even if that’s just an hour for a chat on the phone with someone or to do some yoga or have a bath. Just a walk round the shops in my lunch hour used to help me feel sane sometimes when I was overwhelmed. Do you have any IRL support?

More positively I wanted to say that I have now what you say you want and it is great but also comes with its own challenges like having to compromise in ways I never had to as a single parent and that I’m having to really rush this response because we’re off to my mother in laws this weekend. Also my dog is a ba*rd!

Hang in their OP there is light at the end of the tunnel I promise

What’s making your dd so angry?
Do you think she needs extra support herself or is she reacting to particular things going on around her?

She is absolutely fine until asked to do something or something doesn’t go her way. It’s not just towards me but I spent the most time with her. I don’t feel she means what she says. The other day she did say I remember daddy being mean so I am copying. Her school report said she likes to be in control and do things her way.

Honestly when I split from my husband one of his old friends messaged I'm sorry you also seemed such a lovely couple.

Honestly we hadn't seen him in years so it was based on a few social media pics and certainly didn't show reality if

I used the ahaparenting site a lot with my dc. It has some really good ways of dealing with dcs.
This might be helpful for you?
www.ahaparenting.com/blog/youre_not_the_boss_of_me

I wish I had known this would have been the outcome, not that I would have stayed but I would never had believed it would be so hard. I’ve spent all my savings keeping us safe. I just want to be happy but I am so easily overwhelmed by little things constantly. I wish I was stronger then this.

You're giving your dc the chance of better for themselves, you have taken them out of an incredibly damaging environment.

You just have to keep going, be gentle with yourself.

Look for support where you can. Maybe try the Freedom programme?

You sound like you've got a lot to deal with. But also that you have a lot going for you! You DO have lively kids and a partner! A job and a house. You're doing well. AND you are probably exhausted, physically and emotionally. Personally I find the right anti depressants really do help, vitamin d has been a game changer. But I think also you should give yourself credit for what you've achieved, what you have. Life will get better, but you probably already have what a lot of people aspire to. My friend and I have a game - we have the 'Sunday Times' and 'take a break' versions of our lives. So in the Sunday times version, 'tinsel lives in her beautiful country cottage with her partner, writing books and living her dream outdoorsy life." In the take a break version 'tinsel lives in a remote, damp ridden house, can't get published and has only worn welly boots and jeans for 3 years. The dog has been sick on the floor - again." Obviously real life is somewhere between the two.. I only mention this because I bet the Sunday times version of your life looks lovely!

I have M.E with lots of pain but mostly terrible fatigue. I guess it is linked to my mental state at times. The worse I feel the more it gets me down.
Living in this constant battle with the kids is extremely draining. Life shouldn’t be like this should it. One bad choice in a man and that’s all I did.

Yes I have a lot and a couple of my friends say I should stop moaning as they want what I have. I guess it’s just my mind gets heavy because it carries a lot of memories and there’s doesn’t, they just don’t understand.

Get counselling
Get therapies for dc ask your counsellor to refer fir family therapy to help you with strategies

Maybe try meassociation.org.uk/information-and-support-line/localsupportgroups/ ?

I have had support from them but there is absolutely nothing that can be done to take it away. I think I would be able to cope much better without it. I feel like I hold everyone back as I just can’t do what everyone else does.