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Original poster

Snooping husband

58 replies

ToastedSesame · 12/08/2021 20:49

I've been married 5 years, we have a 3yo son and I'm 29 weeks pregnant.

Almost a year ago exactly my DH and I were going through a rough patch and I was honestly considering leaving. I posted on mumsnet and laid out my problems/feelings and asked for advice. Only one person replied and suggested couples therapy, anyway.. a week or so afterwards I got home from work and found my inbox open on our (shared) laptop and I checked the history and saw a bunch of my emails had been read at 1pm and my username searched on MN and all of my threads read. It was obviously my husband. I asked him about it, he denied it at first but then admitted it when I showed him the history, whats worse is that he made out I was in the wrong for posting about him on an (anonymous!) forum on the internet! If he'd asked me, I would have told/showed him! We had a big fight, we spoke a lot about trust and managed to put it behind us, but I made it clear that I won't abide by being snooped on, its a big nono and a relationship ender for me.

Since then, we've had ups and downs and about a month ago we hit another low patch and I started looking at separation options. We decided to work through it and get some therapy, plus we want to stay together and be a proper family for our new baby and our son.

Today I've come home from work and had a facebook alert about someone trying to log in as me at 12pm. I have just opened my laptop and guess what, emails open, mumsnet threads read, twitter messages read - all between 12.30-4pm today, when I was at work and he was at home looking after DS.

I am so pissed off. I haven't said anything because I'm not sure what to do. I feel like thats it, he's fucked it all. But I'm pregnant and emotional and I feel really vulnerable. Leaving now is a big ask. What would you do?

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 12/08/2021 20:56

Leaving is not a big ask..

staying in a controlling relationship is a big ask and would be a mistake ..

you think this will get better after you give birth... Wrong 🌸

Original poster
ToastedSesame · 12/08/2021 21:02

I just mean logistically. I'll give birth in 11 weeks. I live in a city 4 hours from my family. I have no money, no savings. I just feel so stressed.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 12/08/2021 21:05

@ToastedSesame

I just mean logistically. I'll give birth in 11 weeks. I live in a city 4 hours from my family. I have no money, no savings. I just feel so stressed.

do you want to live with him doing this to you forever.. fuck no

do you want to leave before the baby is here... ?

contact home and leave asap.. if you leave it until after the baby is born he can go to Court and stop you relocating 🌸

QueenBee52 · 12/08/2021 21:06

Sorry

I see you already have a Son.. 🌸

Original poster
ToastedSesame · 12/08/2021 21:14

I wouldn't take our son far from his dad. However much of a shit husband he is, he is a great dad.

OP posts:
Onthemaintrunkline · 12/08/2021 21:16

He’s not listening to you, he’s not respecting you, you have no privacy, do you want this for a lifetime? The timings awful, but is it ever really great? I’d be making contact with my family first off and hopefully creating distance. It appears he has either no trust in you or is an arch controller. Whatever, at the very least you are entitled to your privacy.

EarthSight · 12/08/2021 21:22
  1. Change your passwords to everything and screenshot your history showing that these websites were visited when you can prove that you were at work. Just save it as a jpg file for now on your laptop.
  1. You might as well keep your name the same on this thread now that he knows about it, but in future change your Mumsnet name so he can't track you or future posts

I find it interesting that your husbands thinks he will find out more about you and your marriage via your posts than he would otherwise. He might be wondering if there is evidence for cheating (something he could use in divorce proceedings). Maybe he think there are things he doesn't know about (besides something that extreme).

It is very exposing to see people talk about you and your life in black & white over the internet. It's anonymous to a degree, yes, but you've still put these details online for strangers to read and digest. These could be linked to him if you choose to tell other people about this thread in real life. I think you need to empathise with how he feels about that. What I would add is that generally speaking many women only come on here when they're desperate and they feel they can't really speak to anyone else, and you can ask Mumsnet to delete your thread if you wish.

Do you think you could work towards being friends with each other and work from there?

JLL1990 · 12/08/2021 21:23

I think if you love him, it’s worth trying for your family. However, this behaviour is completely unacceptable and he needs to understand this and be sorry.

The original advice about counselling seems very appropriate. Getting neutral help before baby arrives I think would be really worth it. To try and get to a better place before the added stress of a newborn.

If you really feel it’s time to leave, then would moving back with your family be an option? Perhaps take early maternity leave so you can move four hours away and back with your parents.

Original poster
ToastedSesame · 12/08/2021 21:27

@JLL1990 If I move back with my family we would be 4 hours from him. I know my son will miss his dad and be very sad. I'm not sure I can do that.

I might be able to get DH to move to his parents tho.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 12/08/2021 21:32

It's just really weird behaviour. Does he think you've cheated? Or has he and is applying his morals to you?

Original poster
ToastedSesame · 12/08/2021 21:38

@gamerchick I really doubt he suspects cheating. All I post about is pregnancy woes and the odd aibu about our relationship, like I said we've been through a few rough patches but mainly mismatched sex drives, stuff like that. I think he just can't bare for me to have a secret place to vent and him not be able to see I guess? It's fucking weird and creepy and gross.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 12/08/2021 21:50

@ToastedSesame

I wouldn't take our son far from his dad. However much of a shit husband he is, he is a great dad.
based on his behaviour toward their Mother..

I'd have to disagree 🌸

IPacificallySaid · 12/08/2021 23:53

I'd have him for it. I wouldn't leave my home while pregnant or move DS. Short term I would rip him a new one and make sure he's on the couch. Long term if I wanted to stay this would be the final chance. If he doesn't learn his lesson he never will. It is weird and creepy.

QueenBee52 · 12/08/2021 23:54

what do you want to do OP 🌸

Shoxfordian · 13/08/2021 08:42

He’s already done it before and you’ve told him how unacceptable it is but he’s still doing it. I hope you’ve changed your name for this one and you’re posting on a secure phone or somewhere he can’t read it. Go to your family and leave him; you can’t live under surveillance

GoodnightGrandma · 13/08/2021 08:45

Move home while you have the baby and get straight.

FreeBritnee · 13/08/2021 08:46

Can’t stand snoopers. Have one in the family that I’ve gone no contact with. I honestly don’t know how I’d carry on being intimate with someone who had delved into the recesses of my mind like that. The trust would be gone.

Colourmeclear · 13/08/2021 09:11

Did he leave all the tabs open on the laptop so you would obviously find it?

lunar1 · 13/08/2021 09:16

I'd give him two choices, either he goes to his parents or you go to your family. There is a viable option for him to still be near his children if he is the one to move.

You can't live with someone creeping on your every move.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/08/2021 09:21

@Colourmeclear

Did he leave all the tabs open on the laptop so you would obviously find it?
This occurred to me as well. Unless he is normally this un-savvy with tech? I'm wondering if he actually wants out but hasn't got the balls to say it.

I know the timing is shit but I'd personally ask him to move out, and I'd line someone else up as birthing partner. I just wouldn't feel safe, emotionally, in my own home.

When I was young my mum used to read my diary and then take the piss out of me or give me a bollocking. So it's possible I have a harder line on this sort of thing than the average person.

rainbowstardrops · 13/08/2021 09:26

I'd be definitely asking him why he thought he still had the right to snoop through your social media and messages! What's he afraid of you doing??? I wouldn't stand for this though.

layladomino · 13/08/2021 09:36

He has shown you he can't be trusted. You can't trust him to respect your privacy, to respect a direct request you have made to him.

The irony is he is snooping because presumably he thinks you can't be trusted, but he is the one acting in a shifty and dishonest way.

I'm afraid I couldn't stick around after that. He has shown you that, even after nearly splitting in the past and you being very clear what your view is on this (and by the way you shouldn't have to be clear about it, everyone knows you don't snoop on other people), he still doesn't respect you enough to not do it again. Which means that even if he goes for counselling, promises not to do it again, you will never really trust him not to.

The lack of respect, the lack of trust on his part, the lying, the snooping - not signs of a healthy relationship.

I know it's really hard when you are pregnant, and maybe you can't make any fast moves. But that doesn't mean you will be better off sticking around.

SixesAndEights · 13/08/2021 09:42

he is a great dad

The one thing so many women in messed up relationships cling on to. It's such a depressing phrase to read.

a relationship ender for me

Then you need to end the relationship. This won't get any better. The trust is gone.

What would you do?

I'd leave / ask him to leave. He ignored your boundaries, you told him if he did it again the relationship was over. He has ignored you and done it again. If you stay together he'll just keep on doing it because he knows your words are empty.

The facts are that a year ago you were in a rough patch. Since then you've had ups and downs, then another rough patch a month ago, and now this. If you were looking at separation options then keep looking. You've got almost another three months before the baby is due, there's plenty you can sort out between now and then.

Deathraystare · 13/08/2021 10:18

In the meantime, hide your laptop/take it with you everywhere or put a piece of paper on it saying fuck off you controlling shithead, stop spying on me!!

gamerchick · 13/08/2021 12:14

[quote ToastedSesame]@gamerchick I really doubt he suspects cheating. All I post about is pregnancy woes and the odd aibu about our relationship, like I said we've been through a few rough patches but mainly mismatched sex drives, stuff like that. I think he just can't bare for me to have a secret place to vent and him not be able to see I guess? It's fucking weird and creepy and gross.[/quote]
Then maybe he's cheated himself and is trying to appease his conscience by turning it around on you.

It's creepy and disrespectful what he's doing.

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