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Original poster

Snooping husband

58 replies

ToastedSesame · 12/08/2021 20:49

I've been married 5 years, we have a 3yo son and I'm 29 weeks pregnant.

Almost a year ago exactly my DH and I were going through a rough patch and I was honestly considering leaving. I posted on mumsnet and laid out my problems/feelings and asked for advice. Only one person replied and suggested couples therapy, anyway.. a week or so afterwards I got home from work and found my inbox open on our (shared) laptop and I checked the history and saw a bunch of my emails had been read at 1pm and my username searched on MN and all of my threads read. It was obviously my husband. I asked him about it, he denied it at first but then admitted it when I showed him the history, whats worse is that he made out I was in the wrong for posting about him on an (anonymous!) forum on the internet! If he'd asked me, I would have told/showed him! We had a big fight, we spoke a lot about trust and managed to put it behind us, but I made it clear that I won't abide by being snooped on, its a big nono and a relationship ender for me.

Since then, we've had ups and downs and about a month ago we hit another low patch and I started looking at separation options. We decided to work through it and get some therapy, plus we want to stay together and be a proper family for our new baby and our son.

Today I've come home from work and had a facebook alert about someone trying to log in as me at 12pm. I have just opened my laptop and guess what, emails open, mumsnet threads read, twitter messages read - all between 12.30-4pm today, when I was at work and he was at home looking after DS.

I am so pissed off. I haven't said anything because I'm not sure what to do. I feel like thats it, he's fucked it all. But I'm pregnant and emotional and I feel really vulnerable. Leaving now is a big ask. What would you do?

OP posts:
Jurassicparkinajug · 13/08/2021 12:39

I would be really hurt if my husband posted on a site like this for advice about our private issues; even if it is anonymous. I'd rather he spoke to a friend or me.

I also expect that a lot of people giving you advice to leave have at one time checked a partners email/ texts especially if the relationship is a bit rocky. It obviously shows a lack of trust but if you are having issues
there will be a lack of trust.

Having said that, you have already asked him not to do this. Also you say the relationship has been rocky for some time so there's obviously other stuff going on and this sounds like the last straw. It's bad timing with your baby due so soon. Before you saw that he'd been checking up on you again, had you thought about leaving?

bitcheeky · 13/08/2021 12:44

Who does that? Sorry OP that’s creepy. What is he getting out of it!?

WhenPushComesToShove · 13/08/2021 13:05

It really is very easy to sort out your online security with a complex password and name change. If a woman said she explored 'because her spidey senses' told her to, no one would bat an eyelid.

AnotherGo · 13/08/2021 13:14

I was once in a relationship with a snooper. It got so bad and he was so addicted to reading my emails and messages that I would write stuff purposefully knowing he would read it, tragically I would lie and say wonderful things about him because I believed him when he said he only did it because of insecurity and anxiety and so I thought I'd made him feel better

Actually he did it because he didn't really believe I had a right to my own life and that he saw my friends and family members as threats to us. It reflects a paranoia, narcissist tendencies, disrespectful of your privacy and so much else.

I would leave before you have the baby.

AlternativePerspective · 13/08/2021 13:29

The snooping is a bit of a red herring here though isn’t it?

I’m not downplaying it, I’ve been there, and the feeling when it happens is horrible.

But fact is that he started snooping after you started looking into the idea of separation. So there were already enough issues in this marriage for you to consider leaving. The snooping is surely just the catalyst.

Bradford333 · 13/08/2021 13:30

There are so many things to think about here, your son and soon to be new baby are amongst the first, as well as your mental health and wellbeing, but unfortunately, you sound very upset and quite rightly so when you discovered your DH snooping. There are so many things to consider; has he hid anything from you in the past, does he control your finances, was he trying to find to something on you so that he could use it against you in the future. It wouldn't be so bad if he had asked you if he could look, because sometimes some people find it easier to write their feelings and thoughts down rather than discuss at least that way, it would be showing you that he does care enough to want to know. Also, have you thought about getting your own laptop, even secondhand? I am so sorry that you now have to make some very harsh decisions, whatever you decide, I really do wish you all the very best for you and your family.

Marmitemarinaded · 13/08/2021 13:31

Loads of threads with mumsnet gets doing it when they suspect an affair

And the consensus is go for it (ans take screen shots if you find anything incriminating!!)

Original poster
ToastedSesame · 13/08/2021 18:12

Thanks for all the replies.

I don't suspect cheating at all. He is quite insular and his hobbies are mainly Xbox and being with his family. God knows why he has decided to spy on me, I suspect he was feeling uncertain about our relationship.

I haven't brought it up with him yet, but I was awake most of last night mulling over what I should do.

OP posts:
Marmitemarinaded · 13/08/2021 19:03

@ToastedSesame

Thanks for all the replies.

I don't suspect cheating at all. He is quite insular and his hobbies are mainly Xbox and being with his family. God knows why he has decided to spy on me, I suspect he was feeling uncertain about our relationship.

I haven't brought it up with him yet, but I was awake most of last night mulling over what I should do.

I meant him suspecting you
bigbaggyeyes · 13/08/2021 20:22

He's not a great dad. A great dad wouldn't invade their Mums privacy, especially after promising not to

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 13/08/2021 20:25

First off, change all your passwords and get two factor authentication on as many as you can. Password protect your laptop too.

QueenBee52 · 13/08/2021 20:27

@ToastedSesame

Take good care of yourself .. take steps to get tech savvy and protect your passwords etc .. 🌸

category12 · 13/08/2021 20:33

Ask him to move out?

Original poster
ToastedSesame · 14/08/2021 08:26

I've found some of the responses here really interesting. Thank you all for the replies.

I'm fully tech savvy, I have an IT based job. I just don't feel like I have anything to hide / I should be able to share a laptop with my husband without fear of being snooped on. I don't look at his emails or Facebook even though I easily could. I just wouldn't do that out of respect of his privacy.

We spoke last night and he said he spied due to his own insecurities / doubts about our relationship. He says I have made him paranoid with the previous posts he snooped and found.

I asked him to leave and he has gone to his parents house. I'm not sure what will happen from here on in, I'm going to see what he does. See if he apologises or accepts any wrong doing. I feel really sad though.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 14/08/2021 10:22

We spoke last night and he said he spied due to his own insecurities / doubts about our relationship. He says I have made him paranoid with the previous posts he snooped and found.

His paranoia has fed his paranoia.. this cycle will never end..

he believes he is justified in snooping.. and is 'text book' blaming that justification firmly and 100% on you.

this is bad news.. he is not even sorry..

Im glad you asked him to leave OP, you need to think long and hard about where you go from here.. its no way to live.. 🌸

Colourmeclear · 14/08/2021 10:48

If you let him come back nothing will change. His anxiety will be greater because he 'almost lost you' and so his compulsions will also be greater. The only way he will soothe his paranoia is to check all your accounts but that only lasts so long and then the anxiety will creep up and he'll check again. Unless he truly understands that his behaviour is unreasonable, that he needs very specific help and it is not your job to make him feel better or to facilitate his behaviour then it will go on and on.

QueenBee52 · 14/08/2021 10:50

Yes.. its the old rubbish

You made me do it.. so its your fault..

nobody is buying this crap anymore thankfully 🌸

SnatchCassidy · 14/08/2021 10:58

@ToastedSesame

I've found some of the responses here really interesting. Thank you all for the replies.

I'm fully tech savvy, I have an IT based job. I just don't feel like I have anything to hide / I should be able to share a laptop with my husband without fear of being snooped on. I don't look at his emails or Facebook even though I easily could. I just wouldn't do that out of respect of his privacy.

We spoke last night and he said he spied due to his own insecurities / doubts about our relationship. He says I have made him paranoid with the previous posts he snooped and found.

I asked him to leave and he has gone to his parents house. I'm not sure what will happen from here on in, I'm going to see what he does. See if he apologises or accepts any wrong doing. I feel really sad though.

Nice buck pass there. You didn't make him paranoid. He made him paranoid. There's an old belief that if you are going to snoop on people you need to be very careful because you might find out something you don't like.
Original poster
ToastedSesame · 14/08/2021 14:53

He's asked to come home because "its easier to get to work from there" amazingly. Plus I don't think he wants his parents to know what he's done.

I've said no. At first he insisted I should leave if I didn't want to be around him, but when I pointed out that he was asking his pregnant wife and 3yo son to leave their home (and travel 4h away to stay with my parents) just so that he didn't have to travel an extra 30mins to work he backed down and said he would stay away.

I'm not letting him back in without some pretty earth shattering apologising and promises being made. Somehow though, I don't think that will happen, he'd rather cut his nose off to spite his face.

OP posts:
Marmitemarinaded · 14/08/2021 16:05

He doesn’t trust you op

Surely that needs addressing before any apologies?

Original poster
ToastedSesame · 14/08/2021 16:11

@Marmitemarinaded he has absolutely no reason to mistrust me, I have never given him any reason to. The most he has ever found during his snooping sessions is me moaning about him on an aibu thread. I don't think he is snooping because he suspects me, I think he is snooping to get an insight into how I feel about him - instead of just asking.

OP posts:
Marmitemarinaded · 14/08/2021 16:16

What was the thread you started about morning about him?

JGK0 · 14/08/2021 16:30

Kids aren't stupid, they will pick up on tensions in a relationship even at a quite young age.

It's probably better to have parents separated who can maintain a civil parenting arrangement than a mum and dad who stay together "for the kids" in a home with underlying tension 24/7.

QueenBee52 · 14/08/2021 17:11

@ToastedSesame

He's asked to come home because "its easier to get to work from there" amazingly. Plus I don't think he wants his parents to know what he's done.

I've said no. At first he insisted I should leave if I didn't want to be around him, but when I pointed out that he was asking his pregnant wife and 3yo son to leave their home (and travel 4h away to stay with my parents) just so that he didn't have to travel an extra 30mins to work he backed down and said he would stay away.

I'm not letting him back in without some pretty earth shattering apologising and promises being made. Somehow though, I don't think that will happen, he'd rather cut his nose off to spite his face.

you're dead right ... stick to your guns .. he needs to understand boundaries.. 🌸

Original poster
ToastedSesame · 14/08/2021 17:29

@Marmitemarinaded I can't find it. It was an old username. It was about his lack of care in his appearance and how I could nudge him to take better care of himself and do more for himself (at this point he would always ask me to cut his hair (it always looked shit) because he cba to go to the barbers) it was perhaps a bit shallow / mean spirited but it was never meant for his eyes.

OP posts: