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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I cancel this date or am I being OTT

92 replies

CallMeNutribullet · 12/08/2021 16:59

First of all my perception is completely skewed so really would appreciate people's thoughts.

I have a second date with a guy tonight, first one went well.
I've been single for 9 years since abusive ex partner and I've decided it's time to meet someone but I have this subconscious thing I'm wrestling with where I constantly see red flags or get the ick with suitable men and I'm attracted to unsuitable men.

I know this is a deep seated issue and I'm about to start counselling.

A couple of times this guy has been a bit overfamilliar but tonight I text him something like "god it's much colder today, im freezing" and he's responded "let's see then" with winky faces.

It's cringe and sleazy and I don't like it, but is this just a bit of an annoying thing or a date cancelling thing? WWYD?

OP posts:

acolderwar · 12/08/2021 21:24

@WB205020

Texts can be misconstrued. Its often done. They dont convey tone, or humour etc. so its near impossible to know whether someone is saying something in jest, being playful or being serious.

TBH you dont sound ready to date. I would concentrate on sorting yourself out before you put yourself out there. Its likely there is nothing wrong with this guy and he is just being jovial / playful but if you dont like that then it is going to put you off.

It doesnt sound like he has done anything wrong at all, but for both of your sakes i would move on.

This is such bullshit. Because she doesn't want a near enough stranger to make innuendoes about her nipples she's obviously not ready to date and she's the problem? You must have extremely low standards @WB205020

TheFoundations · 12/08/2021 21:30

You're asking people what they would do in a similar situation, as if other people have a better idea than you what a person 'should' be able to handle/put up with. But there are no rules. You know just as well as anybody else what people do. I bet if a friend asks you for relationship advice, you don't say 'Oh, don't ask me - you'll end up with someone really unsuitable if you follow my advice!' I bet you're pretty confident to say 'When he did this to you, that was really rude', or 'Aw, he's so supportive of you; he's really good for you!'

So you're not lacking the knowledge. And the rules to follow are your own emotions. If you are with a guy and you think 'Oh no, another bad boy, and I'm really attracted to him!' LISTEN to that feeling. He's a bad boy. The end. Stop seeing him.

The only person you continue dating for any length of time is the one who doesn't make you feel that your judgment of men is poor, because you know he's a good guy, you don't get any red flag feelings, and you're attracted to him. Anybody else, ANYBODY, you drop like a hot brick. And that's called self respect.

Original poster

CallMeNutribullet · 12/08/2021 21:35

@TheFoundations

I don't think that it's 'I can't trust my feelings'. It's more that you won't trust your feelings.

It's cringe and sleazy and I don't like it

Why would you continue to see a man when this is your emotional reaction to his behaviour? Emotions are signposts. Which way do you think this one points?

You're right. The thing for me is a genuinely want to meet someone but I have to really fight myself to get out on that first date then I DO look for any reason to knock it on the head so I can't always tell if my reason is legitimate (I know there's no illegitimate reason to not see someone again) or if I'm self sabotaging..

For those saying I'm not ready to date, this is a lifelong problem and I probably need psychotherapy but can't afford it. Truth be told even the counselling won't be long term due to costs. In order to work on it I likely will have to put myself out of my comfortable zone and date some.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 12/08/2021 21:38

What has been your worst mistake in knocking it on the head with someone? How many of the guys were ones who were perfect, and showed you nothing negative, and yet you dumped them just the same?

SpringlikeBunk · 12/08/2021 22:03

My experience of meeting guys online is there are a LOT of guys who do need to be screened out early on for creepy behaviour.

It’s just got really hypersexed unfortunately?

So it’s not like you should feel guilty about “not giving anyone a chance” or “not having any dates in a few months”

They don’t all have “creep” written on their forehead or drunken photos taken at nightclubs with their arms around hostesses

A lot of the creeps are fairly mainstream/ordinary guys with photos out hiking and geeky hobbies.

And they’re often the most “visible” as in they’ll be active a lot on the site going for all the new women and being pushy.

QueenBee52 · 12/08/2021 22:18

I have a friend.. mid 30's.. never married/no kids... amazing lass.. just hasn't met the one..

Online dating was a cesspit..

One guy she liked but dumped as he had a fetish .. he wanted video strip dances and seedy sexually explicit voice mails twice a day..

WTF

Im not sure if she partook for even a short time.. I hope not.. but if she did.. I fear where those videos could end up ☹️

Starseeking · 12/08/2021 22:29

Ugh, this would make me feel sick and put me right off him. Men who move straight to sexual innuendo when you barely know them really don't do it for me, and the worst thing is instead of apologising when you raised it, he dismissed it as a joke. My emotionally abusive ex always used to do stuff like that.

I'd walk away from this OP, he doesn't sound like a man who respects your boundaries.

Mountaingoatling · 13/08/2021 00:38

This has nicely gone along OP's agenda of evaluating the man and protecting her.

She shouldn't be dating. She's not prepared.

This place can be a chunder fountain of wellbeing that misses the point.

Original poster

CallMeNutribullet · 13/08/2021 05:38

Agenda? Sounds a bit nefarious when all I'm doing is asking for advice on a forum.

OP posts:

Surprisedpikachu · 13/08/2021 08:08

@Mountaingoatling

This has nicely gone along OP's agenda of evaluating the man and protecting her.

She shouldn't be dating. She's not prepared.

This place can be a chunder fountain of wellbeing that misses the point.

Of course OP’s prepared. She’s prepared to challenge this man’s cringy ‘flirting’ and take control of the situation by not seeing him and moving on. When she meets a fantastic man she likes who doesn’t drop hints about seeing her nipples, she won’t have these doubts.

crackofdoom · 13/08/2021 08:23

Well, heterosexual OLD is by its nature all about evaluating men whilst protecting oneself, so……

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/08/2021 10:16

@Mountaingoatling

This has nicely gone along OP's agenda of evaluating the man and protecting her.

She shouldn't be dating. She's not prepared.

This place can be a chunder fountain of wellbeing that misses the point.

I don't understand - surely dating is about evaluating the other person. And protecting yourself should be a constant regardless.

What 'agenda' does that fall under?

Because to me it sound like normal everyday life.

Don't date people you find unattractive as a prospect. Keep safe.

Sensible, no?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 13/08/2021 11:33

Evaluating someone's suitability and protecting yourself sounds like a fabulous agenda to me. I wish all women had such an agenda!

TheFoundations · 13/08/2021 11:39

@Mountaingoatling

This has nicely gone along OP's agenda of evaluating the man and protecting her.

She shouldn't be dating. She's not prepared.

This place can be a chunder fountain of wellbeing that misses the point.

What do you think the point is, if this thread is a 'chunder fountain of wellbeing'?

Hydrate · 13/08/2021 11:40

I'd cancel.

KimDeals · 13/08/2021 11:44

@me4real

it’s such a 13 year old “oh boobies” kind of joke to me. Not sexual just daft.

Of course it's sexual. I mean, an attempt at being.

@KimDeals Personal preference I guess,and also depending on a woman's past experiences then this stuff can be more of a turn-off.

I actually said it to a male friend in person last week when he turned up nipples ahoy though his t-shirt - I asked him was he feeling the cold

He is a friend, not someone you've had just one date with. Also it's more creepy/overly sexual/personal if a bloke says stuff like that to a woman.

I definitely don’t see it as a turn-ON! I just meant I see it as an ice breaker if anything.

But the OPs subsequent posts about his messages like “aww I’d love a cuddle” would be completely ick to me. And as he isn’t reading the nuance that she hasn’t been responding to his tone, I think they are way off and not suited.

OP I think you did right to cancel! Why bother if you’re not feeling it.

MzHz · 13/08/2021 12:28

You did the right thing by cancelling

When I was OLD I learnt that comments like that were a prelude to a sleaze ball, a total waste of time and money for childcare

Your gut instinct isn’t far off, so listen to it and make sure you’re feeling relaxed and comfortable with people

NEXT!

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