Do I cancel this date or am I being OTT

[CallMeNutribullet]

First of all my perception is completely skewed so really would appreciate people's thoughts.

I have a second date with a guy tonight, first one went well.
I've been single for 9 years since abusive ex partner and I've decided it's time to meet someone but I have this subconscious thing I'm wrestling with where I constantly see red flags or get the ick with suitable men and I'm attracted to unsuitable men.

I know this is a deep seated issue and I'm about to start counselling.

A couple of times this guy has been a bit overfamilliar but tonight I text him something like "god it's much colder today, im freezing" and he's responded "let's see then" with winky faces.

It's cringe and sleazy and I don't like it, but is this just a bit of an annoying thing or a date cancelling thing? WWYD?

I'm in a couple of mixed chat groups with men. Yes, they know how to be funny and interesting without being sleazy.

He’s fishing for nudes or photo exchange.

Well the erect nipples went right over my head! I thought it was possibly something about 'let's see if snuggling up together later will warm you up, wink wink', which is a bit innuendo-y but not warranting of the ick responses. If it was about nipples, then I would also be binning as that's too much.

He’s a creep. Bin him.

Ah ok well I would'tve known what he meant I don't think, but you and PP's idea is right. I would've known it was something sleazy obviously, but thought he meant he might be able to keep you warm. I would stil have found that cheesy/unpleasant.

I agree @CallMeNutribullet - not what I would want in a man. If this is what he's like I thiink it'd be difficult for him to change it for long.

What are the other overfamiliar things he's done?

I think being aware of red flags/stuff that's not good for you. Perhaps you wouldn't spot any/many with the right guy. x

Love the shrunken cock response!

only you know what the other issues were when he was over familiar. If these are just somebody getting it a bit wrong then I'd give it another try. My dh is not sleazy or v confident with women and I can imagine him getting something wrong like this.

Meant to say 'I think being aware of red flags/stuff that's not for you is a good thing.'

I used to be quite naive as I haven’t used the newer apps for a lot of my life. Plus I didn’t have a smartphone or WhatsApp for ages.

but it really is a cesspit now and I think “giving people the benefit of the doubt just doesn’t work...”

Any “let’s see” messages or “request for a photo” messages

are normally a “warm up” for “photo exchange” in which they want to move it to kinky photos.

And it’s not even like “one cute sexy photo so they can admire their date and think about them because they think they’re beautiful”?

It’s like they’re dialling a porn hotline or making requests on only fans - just very clinical controlling requests.

Texts can be misconstrued. Its often done. They dont convey tone, or humour etc. so its near impossible to know whether someone is saying something in jest, being playful or being serious.

TBH you dont sound ready to date. I would concentrate on sorting yourself out before you put yourself out there. Its likely there is nothing wrong with this guy and he is just being jovial / playful but if you dont like that then it is going to put you off.

It doesnt sound like he has done anything wrong at all, but for both of your sakes i would move on.

Reply saying 'I don't understand. What do you mean?'
See if he recovers his manners or just keeps up the smutty bullshit.

I think you need to ask what's he means because until the PP said about nipples, I thought he wanted a photo of you snuggled up. Or maybe out of the window.

God I sound really naive haha. But I do think you need to check.

If there are other examples though I may feel differently

I'd just tell him it's too soon for that type of talk and see if he packs it in

I've been out of the dating pool a while, but do men know how to communicate in any other way? Just seems that endless innuendo and sickening emojis are the only way they think they can talk to a women via text/messenger/email. It's quite sad really.

@Colourmeclear That'd be the Low Value Males. Allegedly there are some HVMs out there.

@WB205020 There's nothing loopy or necessarily 'not ready to date' about not wanting this stuff in a partner, at least early on. It's personal taste, plus I know for me I've just had e-fucking-nough of blokes like that and see it as disrespectful or at least a turn-off.

It's actually good for us in the datiing world to be aware of our boundaries, likes and dislikes, and things that might indicate a bloke isn't treating us the way we want.

isn't going to treat us IDK what's wrong with me today lol

Ew. I have zero tolerance for this kind of behaviour. Delete and move on!

Id just bin him off.

There's nothing worse than cringy sexual innuendos that some people pass off as flirting.

Vom.

Jeepers! I would find that funny and have come back with something quick - it’s such a 13 year old “oh boobies” kind of joke to me. Not sexual just daft. It would have put me at ease if anything!

I actually said it to a male friend in person last week when he turned up nipples ahoy though his t-shirt - I asked him was he feeling the cold

I think part of why it feels massively cringe is that it’s always men making these comments - I can’t even think of an equivalent comment a woman would send to a man. So it just feels overfamiliar, tiresome and irritating, especially if you quite liked them and then they dropped a HUR HUR WINK WINK SEND A PIC message.

"I've been single for 9 years since abusive ex partner and I've decided it's time to meet someone but I have this subconscious thing I'm wrestling with where I constantly see red flags or get the ick with suitable men and I'm attracted to unsuitable men.

I know this is a deep seated issue and I'm about to start counselling".

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

I would suggest you read "Women who love too much" by Dr Robin Norwood. Enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme, this can be done online could be of great benefit to you as it is for those who have experienced abusive relationships.

Well the majority of I assume women on here (me included) immediately went to pointy nipples in our minds so we were all effectively on the same page as this guy, fair enough we didn't ask to see them (if that's what he's done).

If you like him apart from this, tell him that kind of text isn''t your thing and see how that goes. Sometimes its just a case of feeling each others levels and approaches out in the early stages and then if he can politely take on board and act accordingly - thats a win isn't it?

it’s such a 13 year old “oh boobies” kind of joke to me. Not sexual just daft.

Of course it's sexual. I mean, an attempt at being.

@KimDeals Personal preference I guess,and also depending on a woman's past experiences then this stuff can be more of a turn-off.

I actually said it to a male friend in person last week when he turned up nipples ahoy though his t-shirt - I asked him was he feeling the cold

He is a friend, not someone you've had just one date with. Also it's more creepy/overly sexual/personal if a bloke says stuff like that to a woman.

I think maybe a few years ago I’d have seen it as funny or an attempt at flirtatiousness or connecting or giving a compliment?

After a bit more experience of the apps I see it’s an attempt to “groom” their date into getting into text sex without them even getting off their sofa or having any commitment to meeting/dating in person?

Or they see it as “foreplay” so they can turn a normal first meet/date into an instant hookup one and not make any effort.

if you’ve met and are steady and want to keep a connection then it might be ok (or if it’s genuinely something you’re comfortable with then fair enough - mindful of not slut shaming here).

The problem isn't him...in all kindness why are you dating when you say you feel your judgment is off?

Why are you dating when you haven't even started counselling?

Why are you putting yourself in a situation you're so unready for, you're asking strangers for advice before a first date?

I think you know, it shouldn't be like this.

Focus on yourself, having fun, building confidence. You're already struggling with something that, in the future for you, won't be this hard

Oh yes, cancel.
Anything you ever feel uncomfortable with, pay attention. Even if you think you're being over-sensitive, it's too much for you at that time.