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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I cancel this date or am I being OTT

92 replies

CallMeNutribullet · 12/08/2021 16:59

First of all my perception is completely skewed so really would appreciate people's thoughts.

I have a second date with a guy tonight, first one went well.
I've been single for 9 years since abusive ex partner and I've decided it's time to meet someone but I have this subconscious thing I'm wrestling with where I constantly see red flags or get the ick with suitable men and I'm attracted to unsuitable men.

I know this is a deep seated issue and I'm about to start counselling.

A couple of times this guy has been a bit overfamilliar but tonight I text him something like "god it's much colder today, im freezing" and he's responded "let's see then" with winky faces.

It's cringe and sleazy and I don't like it, but is this just a bit of an annoying thing or a date cancelling thing? WWYD?

OP posts:

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/08/2021 19:00

As somebody who is once again dating Sympathise op.
I'm ok with over familiar to an extent but agree you can get sick quickly.
If you aren't feeling it ,either tell him about it or bin him off.
Unfortunately sometimes you can be validating someone for a number of weeks and then get ick.

I myself only this week was dating a guy for around 6 or 7 weeks ,slept with him at the weekend only to find out hes one of those that cries after he comes the poor bloke.
Just completely overwhelmed him bless him ,oh well .
Hope it goes well for you.

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/08/2021 19:00

Validating means dating lol.

billy1966 · 12/08/2021 19:08

@Surprisedpikachu

I’d bin. I’d get the ick from texts like that.

This.

I can't bear sleezy, smutty innuendos.

I'm not really prudish, it just makes me cringe.

Instant ick.

me4real · 12/08/2021 19:09

The problem isn't him

@Mountaingoatling Yes it is. He's sleazy and either naff, common, or thick, or all three. OP isn't bonkers if she doesn't like it.

Plenty of us have said we wouldn't like it either- are we all completely deranged and incapable of having relationships? No. Not if we feel like dating and a decent guy comes along.

Cookiebox · 12/08/2021 19:10

You're not a charity. He sounds like a creep.

Lolabray · 12/08/2021 19:13

@ Mountaingoatling all due respect but life is too short and perhaps she wants to go out and meet someone . Nine years to be on your own is a long time and I’m sure there has been a lot of healing undertaken during this time.

Lolabray · 12/08/2021 19:13

And whose problem is it if it is not his?

Luannee · 12/08/2021 19:17

Yuck. In the bin.

Original poster

CallMeNutribullet · 12/08/2021 19:17

Other instances of overfamiliarity include the "aww want me to come give you a cuddle" and there was something else I can't remember but I actually told him to calm down and he said he was only playing. I've previously laughed off but shut down at the same time. With hindsight I'm annoyed that he's persisted with behaviour I've not been receptive to.

Anyway I told him I didn't like that chat and he said he was "only play flirting" so I told him I didn't think we were suited.

OP posts:

mistermagpie · 12/08/2021 19:21

God, yuck.

That would give any sane woman the ick surely? You don't even know him! I've been with my DH for ten years and he would never say something like that, so nice normal people do exist.

You're not being OTT to have boundaries and want to know someone better before getting into the realms of sexual flirting and innuendo (if you even ever want that, I for one do not thank you very much) and I think it's a shitty world we live in if you think that isn't the case. Keep up your standards OP and bin this creep off.

Spinninsweetness · 12/08/2021 19:26

That comment would sicken me and I'd teĺl him too. That's not on.

Suprima · 12/08/2021 19:26

@CallMeNutribullet

Anyway I told him I didn't like that chat and he said he was "only play flirting" so I told him I didn't think we were suited.

Well done for not listening to the posters who wanted you to ‘communicate’ and give him the benefit of the doubt.

He’s not looking for a serious connection, or he is thick as mince and thinks that’s good flirting. Either way, not your problem to solve. I despair at the kindness and goodwill some women want to extend to random men on the internet.

There are better men.

Spinninsweetness · 12/08/2021 19:30

I've online dated, another one is if you're saying you're going for a bath, they'll say can i join you or can i scrub your back. Urgh makes me want to vomit!

RantyAunty · 12/08/2021 19:35

Gross. Glad you've binned him off.

It's like "yes, i know you want to fuck me. You don't have to keep reminding me every chat." 🤢
Maybe join some meetup groups where you can mingle and possibly make a real life connection.

BanditoShipman · 12/08/2021 19:40

His message would have gone totally over my head, I wouldn’t have thought nipples at all (I’m obvs a bit naive).

If that is indeed what he meant, yuck, bin him off. Hate men that think that kind of thing is sexy… used to have a DP that ‘honked’ re breasts made my vagina seal itself up.

Disneycharacter · 12/08/2021 19:50

Fuck that

Notmoresugar · 12/08/2021 19:53

Well done.
He sounds like an immature twat who can't help himself = complete turn-off and there's no coming back from that.

Surprisedpikachu · 12/08/2021 20:03

It sounds like he’s the kind of man who will link any type of normal conversation to sex. Shit day? ‘Fancy a cuddle?’ Feeling cold? ‘Show us WINK!’ Sore back? ‘I’ll give a massage!’ Bored? ‘I’ll keep you entertained!’

Not only is it icky, it’s just such a lazy way of conversing with someone

2bazookas · 12/08/2021 20:18

After just one date/ no sex yet , I'd find his remark tacky.

When you see him, be frank and tell him sex will be some considerable way down the line if at all. Would he like to see each other socially on a just casual friends basis and see how it goes?

If he agrees, then take your time, get used to being around a man again, and if you think it's not working then stop seeing him. No harm done.

me4real · 12/08/2021 20:19

Well done if you've binned him @CallMeNutribullet . Some women might be happy with him, but for you (as for many of us) it's just time wasted being given the creeps. xx He could even have got worse in some way.

putthebinsout · 12/08/2021 20:23

@CallMeNutribullet

Anyway I told him I didn't like that chat and he said he was "only play flirting" so I told him I didn't think we were suited.

Ah yeah that's not cool. Lazy and obvious flirting. Another one is "I'm going to the beach" "show is your bikini" or "I'm having an early night" "without me?" Bleughhhh

RaininSummer · 12/08/2021 20:28

All a bit Benny Hill sounding so very ick.

QueenBee52 · 12/08/2021 20:57

Boak 🤢

Original poster

CallMeNutribullet · 12/08/2021 21:04

Thanks ladies, I know this appears to be online dating these days.

It makes me extra uncomfortable as my ex could be sexually abusive and making little creepy "flirty" comments was his thing up until I blocked him earlier this year. He's my daughter's father so feel like I tolerated comments that made me feel uncomfortable for years for the sake of a quiet life.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 12/08/2021 21:21

I don't think that it's 'I can't trust my feelings'. It's more that you won't trust your feelings.

It's cringe and sleazy and I don't like it

Why would you continue to see a man when this is your emotional reaction to his behaviour? Emotions are signposts. Which way do you think this one points?

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