I'm a husband in need of help - I think she's going to leave me

[pineconeandpebbles]

Right I've never done this before, or been on here but I'll try to summarise. I've been with my wife for 21 years, married for 19 of those. We have the perfect life, shared interests, two fantastic kids, comfortable enough that we don't need to worry too much about money. But there is no intimacy (as she put it|) in our relationship and it's a gear that has always ground but never been fixed.

I know this. I suffer from ED but have never done anything about it. Viagra helps but takes the spontaneity away and I always worry she's not enjoying it anyway. In fact we have only made love once in about the last three years. Since having the kids it's hardly ever. Prior to having the kids we had more success but she's a more passionate and feeling person than I am and I don't know how to connect.

We've had lots of discussions about it and I know I should seek counselling but I don't. I tried it once before with a previous girlfriend and I felt silly and ashamed and got nowhere so never went back. For years I thought I'd never meet someone and my wife is the best thing that's ever happened to me but I know she's not satisfied.

A couple of years ago she was in a really down place and we came really close to splitting. I was supportive as I could be but basically couldn't give her the intimacy that she seems to need.

We talked about counselling but she ended up going herself. As usual I stuck my head in the sand and never went to counselling either on my own or as a couple. She said the counselling helped pick apart the relationship she had with her mother but didn't resolve our issues. She said she had worked herself back to a place where she could cope, but only for the time being, and she can't live both sides of a relationship and do all the thinking and effort. There was a loose acknowledgement that there were issues that were still unresolved (our intimacy) and we needed to go to couple counselling to see the way forward. Again I buried my head in the sand then Covid came along and everything was up in the air. I suppose we could have done online counselling but as she said she can't/won't do all the running around organising it if I'm dragging my heels about it. So of course it never happened.

Now restrictions are lifting and the same problems are still there, unresolved. She does some ad hoc work now, fitting it in to suit. Last week she was away for a few days. She has been withdrawn since she returned and seems really depressed and hasn't been sleeping. I know she's had a shit time also with the menopause but I think I knew that this wasn't the main problem. We'd also been snippy with each other with her reacting to everything I say like it's a criticism. I said I felt I couldn't say anything without her getting annoyed about it. She said that she feels like she can't do anything without me voicing an opinion on it and it makes her feel small. We'd also been arguing about how to deal with things going on in the kids lives and that I needed to stop getting on at son as it'll dent his confidence (she's probably right|).

Last night she opened up and spoke about how she was feeling. When she was away she felt so free. Her confidence in herself returned. She said she had a great time with work and had lots of free time too so she could take herself off and do as she pleased for the first time in years. In short she felt more herself than she had in years. These were her exact words.

But with that came the reminder that there is still this thing missing in our relationship and she keeps trying to put it away in a box, nail the lid on and hide it on a shelf away at the back of her mind. Being away had ripped open that box and scattered the contents around. She was very frank and said that she feels so lost, she's getting older and craves intimacy like a drug. She doesn't know what to do. Like she's stuck on a rock in the middle of a stormy sea and doesn't know how to get off. I don't think she's had an affair, she's too loyal and would never do anything to upset the kids but she's an attractive woman with a great personality so I'm sure there have been opportunities.

It's all my fault. But I don't know what to do either. Why can't I just go to counselling? Is it because I know that it won't have a happy ending and I'm terrified of losing her? I've always lacked confidence in myself but hide it well. I chose the wrong career and found my uni course really hard and boring. Though it's served me well financially it has done nothing to boost my confidence in myself - we spoke about this last night too. She said I needed to peel back the layers of why that is so I can understand it. She said the intimacy isn't just me taking viagra, the spark isn't there and she doesn't know how to react. We don't have 'that' connection. Where can we go from here?

What is it you want us to say to you?

You've repeatedly refused to do the one thing that could have given you a path forwards as a couple. You've refused to deal with your own issues. You've refused to engage constructively with her in resolving your marital issues, and now you want a magical fix without you having to do the hard stuff?

There isn't one. All I personally can do is hope she leaves, for her own sake. If you don't want her to do that, call a couples counsellor, today, and make an appointment. If you don't do that, you've made your decision. You'd rather lose her than do something that's hard for you.

You need to let your wife go so she can find happiness. You have known for years that you had issues to address and you refused to do anything about it. That told your wife she just doesn't matter enough, that her needs aren't important.

I'm sorry if that's harsh but it's the truth. It's too little, too late. End the marriage with dignity and move on.

Also, you need to understand that every time you stuck your head in the sand, you actually were doing something. You were deciding not to act. You were deciding not to change. You were deciding, and demonstrating, that your feelings of discomfort were more important than her feelings of loneliness and sadness and exhaustion.

You're not in control of her decisions and choices and responses, only your own.
Go to counselling - or even better psychotherapy - and find out about yourself and the barriers that stop you connecting. Even just you showing willing may shift the dynamic. By which I mean making a commitment to therapy. Could you just choose to do it?

If you really love your wife and want to be with her I think you need to put all your opinions and previous experiences of counselling/therapy to one side and try again. There are so many professionals out there, you may not click with one so try again until you find one you connect with.

Life can be hard, married with children the monotony of everyday life. Your ED, her menopause and covid. I think a lot of people probably feel things are different the last year or so. A pandemic certainly makes you think about your life, whether you’re happy, satisfied or desperate for a fresh start. Your wife having free time has obviously reminded her of how much fun life can be when you only need to think about yourself.

So you ignored numerous problems for years. You'd rather 'get on' at your son instead of addressing your own failures. Refuse counselling, don't like viagra, consistently choosing selfish actions without a care for the impact those decisions have on your wife.

It's too late OP. You fucked up and you need to let her go.

Just go to fucking counselling man! I don’t know how it could be more obvious!

And if you’re not prepared to put your bullshit aside and actually go, then you’re prioritising all of your bullshit over the relationship you have with your wife.

You can’t have it both ways, she’s told you she’s not happy, she’s done all the leg work, it’s your turn now, sort it out!

Sometimes the connection fizzles other times it's there, it can be a mix of different perspectives, the main one I'd say is actively taking measures to ensure a healthy and productive relationship and helping to fix the bridges so to speak, otherwise it seems likely that your partner will disappear so to speak.

Reay articulate post, OP. You're probably going to get a lot of harsh responses on here. I just wanted to say that I think my DH could have written this as we have a very similar dynamic going on, and your very lucid laying put of the issues has helped me see things more from his side.

It's obvious that your fear of what counselling would reveal is a deep-rooted thing that probably stems from some fundamental thoughts about your intrinsic unworthiness - if you believe some version of the idea that getting closer to the truth gets you closer to revealing your crapness, then counselling is a risk rather than a solution and all your instincts will be to avoid it. Others are projecting this as a choice that has diminished yoyr wide but I think it's yoyr unwillingness to put yoyr hand in the fire. If true, this is part of what's driving you apart and wrecking your connection.

So the most important thing you can do is to try to help resume that connection by telling her that, and crucially, rather than dragging your feet and avoiding, asking for her help as you comply and do the counselling with her.

It might save yoyr marriage, and it might make your separation easier, and just the act of asking to do it together and revealing how hard it is for you rather than it being cold, avoiding thing will help to create some of that lost connection and trust.

I wish my DH would do this rather than say he's forgotten about it. I would respect him so much more.

I’m sorry to read all this. I think you know the answer and I can see that however much you believe you love and care, you don’t love enough to delve into your own fear.
You seem more terrified of therapy than you do about it costing you your marriage. This is a bigger issue than just the physical side of your relationship.
Your wife sees the choice you have made (sticking your head in the sand) and she is trying her best to live a happy life.
It’s all in your hands now and it really is NOW not next week or month. There’s no guarantee that your wife will stay but it may help if she sees you taking action.
You can’t control anyone except yourself, you need to think about what’s the bigger fear here and what is at play.

*diminished your wife
Twatting phone

When I divorced my exH my lawyer told me that the courts are more favourable towards the couple if they had been to counselling. My exH attended one session then fcked off. My lawyer then got me a settlement beyond my expectations.

You have to go to counselling at some point so you might as well do it now, if only for the very selfish reason it might make you look good.

Because TBH my reaction is the same as those PPs above ⬆️

OP - have you read back your post? I think you'll find all the answers are staring you in the face.

I think you already know what you need to do by how you've written your post. You just need to decide what is most important to you, risking losing your wife or going through the pain of counselling and change.

Your wife may well not have an affair. But she will leave you if you do not make changes. I'm reading your post that she has already effectively given up trying to be the one to fix your relationship all of the time. So it's on you now, what are you going to do?

Even with ED, you can still physically connect and have an intimate relationship. Intimacy doesn't always have to end up with PIV intercourse. It can be simply cuddling, kissing, attending to her needs etc. I think the ED is a bit of a red herring TBH. I'm reading this as you think the only way to be intimate is sex and she is wanting more physical affection in the more general form of hugs, kisses etc that wouldn't result in sex.

I do think you need to go to counselling, embrace it for what it is and go into it with an open mind. It is shit. I recently did it after a family bereavement and it's unearthed a lot of difficult emotions, but I needed to feel them and go through it to come out the other side. It's like tearing off a plaster. Hard but necessary.

Why can't I just go to counselling?
Maybe because you felt stupid last time you went?
You make it sound as if the counselling is for the ED - is your lack of confidence part of the issue? Or vice versa?

Can't really blame your wife for wanting to leave, either. But that doesn't mean you're a crap person. You're a flawed person (same as most of us) and have made a mistake.
If I was speaking to your wife and she was worrying about leaving you, I'd tell her that it could actually be the very thing you need to finally make you deal with the issues in your life properly and be a happier person in the long term.

You have been self-indulgent and utterly narcissistic. You have let her carry the weight of the relationship and emotional grunt work of the family for so long that you have only just “realised” her desperation (despite her frequent conversations about this in the past????) Get your head out of your arsehole and go to counselling. Go to every doctor you possibly can. Swallow your stupid pride. Why should she humiliate herself further by remaining with YOU??? You are not the MVP in this relationship. Stop trying to force her to pretend that you are. What do you bring exactly? You have been thoroughly unwilling to bring anything except empty words. Do - or Don’t. Know that the results are entirely dependent upon this.

Could try cialis rather than viagra, for more spontaneity. As well as other forms of intimacy she may be requiring.

You will lose her. You need to put some effort in.

Do you want a sexual relationship?

There are some really harsh responses on here.

OP, you have been in denial and not tackled problems head on, and now you are reaping what you have sown.

You need to be open, honest and vulnerable in front of your wife. Tell her how you really feel.

A lot of your problems (intimacy and you being opinionated, her feeling trapped and unheard etc.) will be interlinked, as you start unpicking and working on certain problems, others will begin to rectify themselves too.

Effort and a willingness to change , really listen on one another and make each other happy will go a long way.

You absolutely need to go to counselling, and make an effort to fix your marriage or else you will definitely lose her.

As a side note, intimacy does not always require an erect penis for goodness sake, there are all sorts of ways to pleasure each other, it doesn't always need to be with viagra.

Just get yourselves to counselling ASAP!

What more motivation do you need than you are about to lose your wife. Don't over think it just try counselling. Go to a session and see how you feel about it. The message your wife is hearing is that you are not willing to make an effort in your relationship. She needs to see you taking some action to improve things. This is so frustrating, you are going to lose her!!

Go on some dates with your wife. Make an effort for goodness sake and put your wife's needs above your own.

Commit to a certain number of counselling sessions in advance, say 10 over three months. Book them.

All you have to do is turn up for an hour every ten days. You can sit still for an hour can’t you? Worth a try. Or if you’d rather give up your wife then give her up.

I suggest that every night when you brush your teeth before bed you say out loud (important to actually say it) a feeling you had that day and what it was a reaction to. Start as simple as ‘I felt pain when I stubbed my toe’ and build up to things like ‘when my wife said x I felt y’ or ‘at work I made x mistake and felt y’ or ‘I scored at football and felt…’. This will help you practice sharing your self with others, which is what intimacy is.

I couldn't cope with no intimacy, certainly not for years. I think I would leave in your wife's shoes.

Intimacy isn't always about sex. It's important for the bond. Ignoring it means you're ignoring your wife's unhappiness and needs. Let her go if you're not willing to face it head on, it might be too late now anyway. She's tasted life without you now and likes it.

Good luck.

Bloody hell mate, if you were driving your car down the road and the check engine light came on, you wouldn’t keep driving would you ?

Your wife is saying the check marriage light is on, and you need to get your marriage to a counsellor and get it checked out before it’s over.

Forget about the ED for now and just be the best partner you can be have a beer on me 🍻 and try to relax a bit as well, you sound like your really tightly wound up right now and a tad desperate

I agree, let your wife go and find happiness with someone else.

Respect for coming here and acknowledging what you have done or rather not done but have you acknowledged it with your wife and spent as much time making appointments?

If you want intimacy and sex, you need to make an appointment with your GP. My DIL is currently having counseling and she's doing it online and says she prefers it to previous face to face.

So what if there is no spontaneousy with viagra, it's better than sex once every three years surely? You could have planned a romantic evening, giving you DW a relaxing sensual massage even if it didn't lead to penetrative sex.

It's your DW I feel for as you have known for years what has been wrong but you have refused to do anything about it. That is a massive rejection for her. It's just a shame it's taken her to consider leaving for you to realise how much she means to you.

If you want to improve this or future relationships, YOU need to put in the work and seek help

You have a choice, she has a choice.

You keep choosing to ignore what's wrong.

She will eventually choice to leave. How many kids are still at home, when will they be gone? The chances are she will follow soon after.

Your move!