I'm a husband in need of help - I think she's going to leave me

[pineconeandpebbles]

Right I've never done this before, or been on here but I'll try to summarise. I've been with my wife for 21 years, married for 19 of those. We have the perfect life, shared interests, two fantastic kids, comfortable enough that we don't need to worry too much about money. But there is no intimacy (as she put it|) in our relationship and it's a gear that has always ground but never been fixed.

I know this. I suffer from ED but have never done anything about it. Viagra helps but takes the spontaneity away and I always worry she's not enjoying it anyway. In fact we have only made love once in about the last three years. Since having the kids it's hardly ever. Prior to having the kids we had more success but she's a more passionate and feeling person than I am and I don't know how to connect.

We've had lots of discussions about it and I know I should seek counselling but I don't. I tried it once before with a previous girlfriend and I felt silly and ashamed and got nowhere so never went back. For years I thought I'd never meet someone and my wife is the best thing that's ever happened to me but I know she's not satisfied.

A couple of years ago she was in a really down place and we came really close to splitting. I was supportive as I could be but basically couldn't give her the intimacy that she seems to need.

We talked about counselling but she ended up going herself. As usual I stuck my head in the sand and never went to counselling either on my own or as a couple. She said the counselling helped pick apart the relationship she had with her mother but didn't resolve our issues. She said she had worked herself back to a place where she could cope, but only for the time being, and she can't live both sides of a relationship and do all the thinking and effort. There was a loose acknowledgement that there were issues that were still unresolved (our intimacy) and we needed to go to couple counselling to see the way forward. Again I buried my head in the sand then Covid came along and everything was up in the air. I suppose we could have done online counselling but as she said she can't/won't do all the running around organising it if I'm dragging my heels about it. So of course it never happened.

Now restrictions are lifting and the same problems are still there, unresolved. She does some ad hoc work now, fitting it in to suit. Last week she was away for a few days. She has been withdrawn since she returned and seems really depressed and hasn't been sleeping. I know she's had a shit time also with the menopause but I think I knew that this wasn't the main problem. We'd also been snippy with each other with her reacting to everything I say like it's a criticism. I said I felt I couldn't say anything without her getting annoyed about it. She said that she feels like she can't do anything without me voicing an opinion on it and it makes her feel small. We'd also been arguing about how to deal with things going on in the kids lives and that I needed to stop getting on at son as it'll dent his confidence (she's probably right|).

Last night she opened up and spoke about how she was feeling. When she was away she felt so free. Her confidence in herself returned. She said she had a great time with work and had lots of free time too so she could take herself off and do as she pleased for the first time in years. In short she felt more herself than she had in years. These were her exact words.

But with that came the reminder that there is still this thing missing in our relationship and she keeps trying to put it away in a box, nail the lid on and hide it on a shelf away at the back of her mind. Being away had ripped open that box and scattered the contents around. She was very frank and said that she feels so lost, she's getting older and craves intimacy like a drug. She doesn't know what to do. Like she's stuck on a rock in the middle of a stormy sea and doesn't know how to get off. I don't think she's had an affair, she's too loyal and would never do anything to upset the kids but she's an attractive woman with a great personality so I'm sure there have been opportunities.

It's all my fault. But I don't know what to do either. Why can't I just go to counselling? Is it because I know that it won't have a happy ending and I'm terrified of losing her? I've always lacked confidence in myself but hide it well. I chose the wrong career and found my uni course really hard and boring. Though it's served me well financially it has done nothing to boost my confidence in myself - we spoke about this last night too. She said I needed to peel back the layers of why that is so I can understand it. She said the intimacy isn't just me taking viagra, the spark isn't there and she doesn't know how to react. We don't have 'that' connection. Where can we go from here?

You can't just go to counseling, not because you are afraid of losing her (everything you have said suggests you are losing her already) but because if you go to counseling you might feel like a third party is judging you and you will have to cope with feelings of shame. This is probably why you didn't like counseling with your ex.

Counseling should be unpleasant because it asks us to really examine ourselves, our behaviours and values. Having someone witness that as a third party can feel exposing but the counselor will hold compassion for you as a flawed human with your own history but also hold you to account where appropriate. Dealing with sexual dysfunction can cause us to withdraw because instigating something and 'failing' induces shame so better to avoid it then take the risk of feeling awful. A lot of shame is internally driven.

If you want things to change in your relationships you are going to have to make yourself vunerable to the feelings of shame and work through them perhaps with your own counselor in addition.

The answer, as pp have said, is staring you in the face.

If you want to save your marriage then you will book an appointment today for counselling. And see it through.

It may still be too late, as your wife has apparently been telling you for a long time that she's isn't happy and you have chosen to ignore her. Even if you book an appointment now it could well be too little too late.

You say how great she is, you love her, she's perfect, but you didn't want to make yourself potentially uncomfortable in therapy for her sake. I would question if you love her as much as you say you do. You've just watched her suffer. Even now, when she's telling you she was happier away from you, you haven't taken action and made an appointment.

You say you have the 'perfect life' but clearly your wife doesn't agree - which you knew. So you mean it's perfect for you - it's clearly far from perfect for her.

I don't think this is just about sex - you talk about intimacy and a connection. Perhaps therapy could help. I would count yourself lucky that you wife hasn't walked before now, and appears still to be offering hope by way of therapy. If you genuinely love her, want what's best for her, then book that appointment today.

If you don't want to, or if you think you won't follow it all the way through, then do the kindest thing and agree to split.

Your second post is actually quite annoying.

Are you going to do anything?

OP yes you are avoiding going to counselling because you know what the outcome will be - really hard work, or giving up your relationship. So you're avoiding having to deal with it. When my DH was away, I knew he wouldn't ask me if I'd missed him when he came home, because he knows deep down that I would have to say no. He will never make the first move because he knows he will have to deal with someone he doesn't want to deal with. The trouble is, I don't know if I can deal with it either, and I'm wasting the years being indecisive. One of you will make the move at some point, or you'll carry on as you are. And neither of you is happy. Please take action sooner rather than later for both of your futures.

You say: We have the perfect life, shared interests, two fantastic kids, comfortable enough that we don't need to worry too much about money.

What you actually mean is that YOU have the perfect life. She obviously doesn't.

You seem to have made a bargain with yourself - you will bring home the money, with extra brownie points for being in a job you hate (as if anyone in the world except you cares about how much you hate your job!), and your wife will do everything else, including all the emotional work in your marriage.
What gave you the idea that this arrangement would work, that it would be acceptable? Is it how your parent's marriage worked?

You have let your own fear of self-knowledge, your fear of being uncomfortable, your love of safety and security, become more important and bigger than any love you might feel for her.
Your fear of emotional pain is greater than your love for her.

Do you actually (still) love her? I mean love HER - not just love having a wife, a family, a home-maker, a companion in your shared interests, someone to fill that vacancy in your perfect life?
Do you love HER, as a person in her own right? Do you want to know who she is, what she thinks and feels, what she dreams and hopes? Or would you rather she kept quiet and stopped rocking the boat?

In the words of Kahlil Gibran: "your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain."

One way or the other, you will feel pain - either through the counselling process, or through the divorce and ensuing loneliness. It is probably to late for you to choose which you would prefer - but you could still try to make a conscious choice and take action.

Do you actually care about her needs? Because you are coming across like you're actually not that bothered and you'd prefer to just plod along and have her accept the crumbs you offer but you suppose you'll have to be seen to do something if you absolutely have to or you'll be without your cook, cleaner, or whatever she is that you actually want in your life.

Do you want her or do you just not want to lose the convenience of cohabitation?

You need to take a good look at yourself and be completely honest with yourself.

So basically in a nutshell what she is saying and whats happened here

Is you've neglected your wife's needs for too long and consequently she no longer feels any connection between the two of you.

Which I mean what would you expect you have constantly let her down and refused to do anything that could result in strengthening your relationship.

You are complacent in your ways because everything is good to YOU. Your wife has voiced to you many a times that she is not happy, so you shouldn't just settle and should be wanting to do BETTER and more for her.

So what are you going to do about it? Forget your own feelings for once.

Dont you think she deserves more?

If so why arent you doing everything in your power to be that more for her?

It's very simple, do nothing and lose her, heck by the sounds of it you may of already gone past the point of no return with her.

You do realise everytime you didnt follow through with promises of counselling you pushed her that further away. You breached her trust in you, in your relationship. I doubt there is anything left.

BUT

If there is you better act on it now otherwise you deserve no sympathy for making your bed and laying in it.

This reads to me like it’s the wife writing from the point of view of the husband, not actually the husband writing.

I’m probably wrong and I’m absolutely not troll hunting - I’m sure this is all true but I’m wondering who the author is.

Simply because… well how could the husband be wondering how it’s gone wrong and what to do when he’s spelled out, in illustrative detail, what did actually go wrong and he’s well aware of what he needs to do to fix it, but won’t?

Perhaps OP has written it to show the husband how they’re actually feeling and to give the husband some feedback from a bunch of impartial anonymous internet users?

Or if I’ve got it completely wrong, forgive me OP, I know it must have been very difficult to reach out. But if you’re willing to write all that and ask strangers for their opinion (as many have done before), why can’t you do what you know what needs to be done?

Do you actually (still) love her? I mean love HER - not just love having a wife, a family, a home-maker, a companion in your shared interests, someone to fill that vacancy in your perfect life?
Do you love HER, as a person in her own right? Do you want to know who she is, what she thinks and feels, what she dreams and hopes? Or would you rather she kept quiet and stopped rocking the boat?

This is exactly it, @Beancounter1 My dh seems content to have the wife and kids lifestyle, but contributes nothing to it, it's just 'there.' I feel like he's another child in the house who I have to deal with, as well as the actual real children. He has in fact sometimes called me 'mum' by mistake. Also, in the house he always refers to me as "mummy" like when he left for his week away recently, he walked down the path shouting, "Bye (dc13), bye (dc9), bye Mummy!"

A woman is still a woman when she's a mother, and deserves to be treated as a woman. This is what she wants, OP.

It sounds like shes honestly done everything possible to try and get it through to you what she needs. Shes been gentle and kind about it, and shes tried really hard and youve just ignored the issue.
I think when you ignored all her suggestions, it wasnt burying your head in the sand, it was you making an active choice that youd prefer to live this way. Shes no longer content with living a half-life with someone that cant even make the effort to get therapy, let alone have intimacy. Im not sure what anyone else is going to suggest, that will make you understand when even the person you love most didnt manage to get you to see the severity of the issue.
might be too little too late now

@OneMoreForExtra

Reay articulate post, OP. You're probably going to get a lot of harsh responses on here. I just wanted to say that I think my DH could have written this as we have a very similar dynamic going on, and your very lucid laying put of the issues has helped me see things more from his side.

It's obvious that your fear of what counselling would reveal is a deep-rooted thing that probably stems from some fundamental thoughts about your intrinsic unworthiness - if you believe some version of the idea that getting closer to the truth gets you closer to revealing your crapness, then counselling is a risk rather than a solution and all your instincts will be to avoid it. Others are projecting this as a choice that has diminished yoyr wide but I think it's yoyr unwillingness to put yoyr hand in the fire. If true, this is part of what's driving you apart and wrecking your connection.

So the most important thing you can do is to try to help resume that connection by telling her that, and crucially, rather than dragging your feet and avoiding, asking for her help as you comply and do the counselling with her.

It might save yoyr marriage, and it might make your separation easier, and just the act of asking to do it together and revealing how hard it is for you rather than it being cold, avoiding thing will help to create some of that lost connection and trust.

I wish my DH would do this rather than say he's forgotten about it. I would respect him so much more.

Spot on advice.

OP, take this advice! Ask your wife to help you do it, but do it. Just do it. Not doing it more than likely going to cost you your marriage.

You’re being very articulate and so is your wife. You must both be so unhappy.

Nah mate you’ve blown it.

I’m not surprised she tenses up and the spark has gone. For you, you’ve made no secret that sex is a chore you would rather do without and aren’t motivated to fix at all. What a MASSIVE turn off.

My ex was like this. I was sympathetic for years and tried everything and in the end realised we were like this because he simply couldn’t be arsed.

Let her go. She deserves someone who priorities her feelings over your discomfort.

And can I just add - she’s had 2 kids. That’s more discomfort and indignity than any amount of counselling about your penis.

When have you actually proven to her by actually following through on all of the (meaningless) words you say to her about loving her and being committed to making her happy - like REALLY listening to her (without minimizing what she has to say or offer excuses) and having counselling and accepting that you need to stop being so self-indulgent and soggy, expecting HER to do all the lifting in the relationship - to make it work for YOU. She has run out of compromise. What have you compromised? Nothing!!! This entire relationship has been one-sided. Holding hands with someone who isn’t connected doesn’t feel like you are loved. It feels like you are being steered, directed, controlled or trapped. You feel like a possession. Be honest… You are only taking this seriously now because you don’t want the stigma of TWO failed marriages to reflect on you.

There are two options:

1. Get counselling.
2. Get a divorce.

I think there’s still a chance you can save your marriage if you just push yourself out of your comfort zone.

Do something daring. Book an adventure holiday for the pair of you to somewhere she has always wanted to go. Start a new hobby together (dancing, amateur dramatics etc) . Wake up and start living. Start really talking to her, make sure you really listen to her. Go out somewhere fun and start looking around for a counsellor and start some sessions to show that you are truly committed to finding a solution. If you love her then grow a pair and bloody fight for her. Maybe the relationship can't be salvaged but isn't it worth giving 100% to try and save it? Perhaps after so long together then the passion and intimacy just can't resurface again but, if you love her, isn't it worth trying everything as the alternative..ie her leaving you...surely is unimaginable. Come on, if you really want it go out and fight for it.

You’ve made many empty promises, she’s made it clear she misses the intimacy and as you say you buried your head in the sand. There are only two options, separate and allow your wife to be happy, I think it’s clear she’s unhappy and has said this herself. Or you sit down and work through counselling together, this may not work because it sounds like it’s past that stage but if you both clearly want things to work, then it is a route you should try.

Honestly Op. I'd prepare yourself at this stage for her to leave you. It sounds like what ever was between ye has died now on her part. Such a pity that you didn't love her enough to go to counselling years ago for both of yere sakes .

If it does turn out that part of what she wants is penetrative sex @pineconeandpebbles , you could try a vibrating hollow strap on. www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/strap-ons/hollow-strap-ons/ The vibrations mean it also feels nice for the guy.

The fact your wife is still with you means there's still something there - you have a chance to change this and you can both be very happy - if you try.
If you don't, you'll regret it.
You can't regret trying.
Go to counselling on your own and read out your post OP (not word for word obviously) and go from there.
I think you need to work on yourself separately to working on your relationship.
She's very patient - you owe her (and yourself) some happiness.

Words words words.

Let her go.

Here, have my favourite saying....

"Your life will be the choices you make".

You answered your own question. If you want to save your marriage you book both couples and individual counseling and you do the homework. It will actually take effort on your part to reconnect with your wife. If you aren’t prepared to do that, then just be honest with her and give her an easy divorce.