I'm a husband in need of help - I think she's going to leave me

[pineconeandpebbles]

Right I've never done this before, or been on here but I'll try to summarise. I've been with my wife for 21 years, married for 19 of those. We have the perfect life, shared interests, two fantastic kids, comfortable enough that we don't need to worry too much about money. But there is no intimacy (as she put it|) in our relationship and it's a gear that has always ground but never been fixed.

I know this. I suffer from ED but have never done anything about it. Viagra helps but takes the spontaneity away and I always worry she's not enjoying it anyway. In fact we have only made love once in about the last three years. Since having the kids it's hardly ever. Prior to having the kids we had more success but she's a more passionate and feeling person than I am and I don't know how to connect.

We've had lots of discussions about it and I know I should seek counselling but I don't. I tried it once before with a previous girlfriend and I felt silly and ashamed and got nowhere so never went back. For years I thought I'd never meet someone and my wife is the best thing that's ever happened to me but I know she's not satisfied.

A couple of years ago she was in a really down place and we came really close to splitting. I was supportive as I could be but basically couldn't give her the intimacy that she seems to need.

We talked about counselling but she ended up going herself. As usual I stuck my head in the sand and never went to counselling either on my own or as a couple. She said the counselling helped pick apart the relationship she had with her mother but didn't resolve our issues. She said she had worked herself back to a place where she could cope, but only for the time being, and she can't live both sides of a relationship and do all the thinking and effort. There was a loose acknowledgement that there were issues that were still unresolved (our intimacy) and we needed to go to couple counselling to see the way forward. Again I buried my head in the sand then Covid came along and everything was up in the air. I suppose we could have done online counselling but as she said she can't/won't do all the running around organising it if I'm dragging my heels about it. So of course it never happened.

Now restrictions are lifting and the same problems are still there, unresolved. She does some ad hoc work now, fitting it in to suit. Last week she was away for a few days. She has been withdrawn since she returned and seems really depressed and hasn't been sleeping. I know she's had a shit time also with the menopause but I think I knew that this wasn't the main problem. We'd also been snippy with each other with her reacting to everything I say like it's a criticism. I said I felt I couldn't say anything without her getting annoyed about it. She said that she feels like she can't do anything without me voicing an opinion on it and it makes her feel small. We'd also been arguing about how to deal with things going on in the kids lives and that I needed to stop getting on at son as it'll dent his confidence (she's probably right|).

Last night she opened up and spoke about how she was feeling. When she was away she felt so free. Her confidence in herself returned. She said she had a great time with work and had lots of free time too so she could take herself off and do as she pleased for the first time in years. In short she felt more herself than she had in years. These were her exact words.

But with that came the reminder that there is still this thing missing in our relationship and she keeps trying to put it away in a box, nail the lid on and hide it on a shelf away at the back of her mind. Being away had ripped open that box and scattered the contents around. She was very frank and said that she feels so lost, she's getting older and craves intimacy like a drug. She doesn't know what to do. Like she's stuck on a rock in the middle of a stormy sea and doesn't know how to get off. I don't think she's had an affair, she's too loyal and would never do anything to upset the kids but she's an attractive woman with a great personality so I'm sure there have been opportunities.

It's all my fault. But I don't know what to do either. Why can't I just go to counselling? Is it because I know that it won't have a happy ending and I'm terrified of losing her? I've always lacked confidence in myself but hide it well. I chose the wrong career and found my uni course really hard and boring. Though it's served me well financially it has done nothing to boost my confidence in myself - we spoke about this last night too. She said I needed to peel back the layers of why that is so I can understand it. She said the intimacy isn't just me taking viagra, the spark isn't there and she doesn't know how to react. We don't have 'that' connection. Where can we go from here?

I don't like laying into an OP but in this case, it's hard.

To sum up:

You are totally uninterested in sex or, if I'm reading it correctly, any other intimacy (so I'm guessing no cuddles, no hugs, no hand holding etc). But have refused, repeatedly, to seek help?

Meanwhile, she is carrying the emotional and mental burden of family life which I assume means she's organising the DC, keeping on top of the shopping/cooking/cleaning and if you do any of this, it's with specific instructions/requests from her?

And on top of this, you are constantly commenting on anything and everything she does? Without, I'm guessing, offering any constructive solutions or alternatives?

And finally, you have got into a victim mentality where even though you are the one who is the problem, you seem to expect her (and the rest of the world) to feel sorry for you because "But I don't know what to do either. Why can't I just go to counselling? Is it because I know that it won't have a happy ending and I'm terrified of losing her? I've always lacked confidence in myself but hide it well." plus you are in a job you hdon't like and have no confidence.

Well Boo hoo. grow up. I'm actually amazed she's stuck around this long. You mention that you have a good financial career and she's gone back to work part time so I'm guessing the ONLY reason she hasn't left you already is because she is worried about the finances and how her and the DC will cope and because she doesn't really trust that you'll step up and provide.

You're a real prize.

You don't want this fixed. If you did, you'd know exactly what you need to do. You've known what you needed to do for years.

You just want us to give you suggestions to make her stay that don't involve any effort from you.

Sooner or later, she'll realise that she's been feeling more alone with you than she ever would be on her own, or she might meets someone who offers her a glimpse of the intimacy and affection that we all need. You know it's heading this way and yet... you still won't address the elephant in the room.

Pull your fucking socks up and get proactive, YOU book some counselling and let her know you want to try.

I expect it may be a case of too little too late, the feeling free when she’s away sounds as though it would be a relief to her to separate. You won’t know though if you don’t try and having counselling even resulting in separation would be positive for both of you seeing through the process.

Why can't I just go to counselling?

@pineconeandpebbles You can. The thought might be nerve wracking but that doesn't mean you can't do it. You just make an appointment and then go to the place and go through the door. Zoom therapy might be easier as you dont even have to go anywhere.

I imagine you've left it too late, but you can have a go at getting help and do your best now.

I want you also to notice what she did when she realised that she felt much happier away from you.

If I'd been her friend, I would have told her to get the fuck out asap. Chase that feeling, get herself a life, that she'd done everything any human could possibly have done to make things better and you'd done nothing, that she couldn't fix the marriage on her own. but I'm talking to you. So...

When she had that feeling, she didn't do what many people would have done, which is have a road-to-Damascus moment and start planning the exit. She brought that feeling to you, for an honest discussion. She put herself out emotionally, again, and did the hard work, again, and made herself vulnerable. Somewhere in her, she still loves you and wants emotional and physical intimacy with you, enough to keep trying long after most people would have given up. It bends my mind to think about how exhausted she must be.

Ball's in your court, mate. It's now or never.

Your poor wife.

I'm in the exact same situation. One day she will get fed up of your constant disappointments, she will have enough that you cant be bothered to act and change even though you know she deserves better, she will realise you are a walking dead end.

And she will leave. And she will be happy and free of the constant negativity.

If you dont want to do something good towards your relationship and towards HER no one can help you here.

Yes theoretically you should let her go but I know you wont. You want her to tolerate your behaviour and continue onwards until she is a shell of a person. And she wont. You know that. So goodluck being single.

You have been handed a golden opportunity here OP. But it looks like a one time offer.
Your wife has been very honest with you. You are clearly being very honest with yourself now, and I don’t think you deserve a rough ride here.
Facing our demons is scary but I think you know now that hiding from them has hurt your wife and she can’t take much more of it. She’s been very loving and patient towards
you for a long time, but enough can be enough sometimes, no matter how much you love someone.
If she still wants you and your marriage (I’d ask her to be brutally honest here, as one way of interpreting her words is that she’s trying to let you down gently) then ask her what she needs from you and plan together how to make it happen. Whether she has had/is having an affair or not, these three days away have clearly been a turning point for her.
If she still wants you then act now and be deadly serious about it or I’m afraid you’ve lost her. Be brave and you might be able to turn this around if she’s still serious about staying. Take care X

Maybe bother to put in the bare minimum level of effort? Twenty years ago? How sad that your wife has put up with being treated as utterly unimportant for so many years.

Let her go find someone who is going to care enough about her to want to change things that make her unhappy.

Because if you actually loved her as you should, you would have the counselling, see the doctor, get the medication..

There's so many ways you could show her that how she feels matters. But you don't.

There's really only one conclusion to draw from that.

You don't care enough.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

I want you also to notice what she did when she realised that she felt much happier away from you.

If I'd been her friend, I would have told her to get the fuck out asap. Chase that feeling, get herself a life, that she'd done everything any human could possibly have done to make things better and you'd done nothing, that she couldn't fix the marriage on her own. but I'm talking to you. So...

When she had that feeling, she didn't do what many people would have done, which is have a road-to-Damascus moment and start planning the exit. She brought that feeling to you, for an honest discussion. She put herself out emotionally, again, and did the hard work, again, and made herself vulnerable. Somewhere in her, she still loves you and wants emotional and physical intimacy with you, enough to keep trying long after most people would have given up. It bends my mind to think about how exhausted she must be.

Ball's in your court, mate. It's now or never.

I think this is a really good post that you should think about OP.

You should probably show your wife this post, or print it off, really lay everything bare and make a concrete plan to save your marriage now

Showing her this post is completely pointless unless you're also going to do something about it. She knows all this - he's admitted that he's crap and won't go to counselling. Seeing him writing it down won't help. Although seeing all of the responses telling him he's a twat might help her realise it's time to go.

In fact we have only made love once in about the last three years I'd have left you already as you haven't tried at all.

Either put some effort in and go to counselling or let her find happiness in herself and eventually with another person.

It sounds like you’ve let things get to the absolute critical point where she’s realised she could be so much happier elsewhere before you’ve reached out for help. I’m not sure you’ll get much sympathy on here I’m afraid.

Unfortunately the only advice you’re going to get us that you’ve wasted 20 years making your wife feel undesirable, please don’t waste any more, let her go. You can still be on good terms for your children’s sake, but she deserves someone who can make her feel sexy and desirable and loved.

She’s pleaded with you for years to be that person and your hang-ups from an attempt at counselling many many years ago with another GF have prevented you from trying to fix your issue. Even if you do finally sort it, she’ll probably never be able to fully relax with you as the pattern of feeling unwanted will be deeply ingrained in her. Someone else may be able to make her feel wanted in a new way that you’ll never be able to.

ED must be awful, I can’t imagine the pressure, but you have lived with it this long and don’t seem to have had the push to fix it until now, so if you’re happy with that, stay as you are. But she shouldn’t have to. By all means try and get it sorted at this point, but that should be for your benefit not for her. If it was for her it’s way too late and should’ve been done many years ago. Or you should have persevered with the viagra, regardless of a lack of spontaneity, if that helped.

Many women get to middle age and realise this is it - you get one life, and having dedicated most of it to your kids and husband now is the time to be a little selfish. If she’s of menopause age she may be feeling the pressure to enjoy sex too, before things change too much in that department. For me that was a really worrying prospect and the idea of never enjoying sex again is quite the spectre.

I know it’s harsh but you need to think of her here and not cling on to the relationship for comfort when she could be with someone else getting her needs met.

Actions speak louder than words.

You need to DO things, not say things - go to counselling, address the issues - even if your wife still leaves you. DO things.

I'll always remember when I dumped one of my exes (after I had spoken to him repeatedly about my unhappiness, written emails, letters, tried everything I possibly could to get him to address certain things)

"You told me, but you didn't SHOW me"

At which point, any possible guilt left me, I felt free - as this person was not going to take any responsibility for anything and as per usual, it would have been on me - no way, no more....

Take responsibility - take action.

Even with ED, you can still physically connect and have an intimate relationship. Intimacy doesn't always have to end up with PIV intercourse. It can be simply cuddling, kissing, attending to her needs etc. I think the ED is a bit of a red herring TBH. I'm reading this as you think the only way to be intimate is sex and she is wanting more physical affection in the more general form of hugs, kisses etc that wouldn't result in sex

Agree with this too - if she’s missing intimacy, not just sex then that’s something that should’ve been addressed long ago too. If you’re not affectionate and you don’t offer her pleasure despite your physical issues then that speaks to a disconnect that reaches further than ED.

@pineconeandpebbles I've been trying to think of a way to reply to your post as well as you set out yours. But my mind is pretty scrambled and I'll just try and say how I think your wife might want you to respond to her, as I feel like I am in her shoes and my DH is in yours.

I have been unhappy for years. I've tried just putting up with it, getting on with life for the kids, keeping myself busy and finding things to make me feel better. Then one day someone came along and made me realise what was missing from my life. I knew from that day I couldn't carry on living a half life and that I wanted and needed to be loved as a woman, and that my husband just didn't see me as a lover, more a mum than anything else. We hadn't been intimate in any form for 10 years and I had convinced myself this was just marriage. Then I looked back to our wedding night, no sex, 1st wedding anniversary, no sex, all the way to our 10th anniversary when I put on my wedding dress to try and spark something - he barely looked up from the telly. This isn't normal in a marriage. So I finally decided to go to counselling. The last time we had sex it had hurt a bit and having had a conversation about it only fairly recently, he said he didnt want to try again if it was going to hurt. But when I told the counsellor, she pointed out that he could and should have found other ways for us to be intimate and that he has pretty much put all the blame on me for our lack of sex, but has made no effort himself to do anything about it. His lack of effort has chipped away at me over the years without me really realising, and now the resentment is at a level I cannot come back from. We went to counselling together but he was absolutely against it, and nothing changed. We talked things over ourselves and he said he would try, but he hasn't. He doesn't even brush his teeth on a night before bed, and that was a basic request from me. He can't even make that much effort. And even though I have cried and pleaded with him to acknowledge how unhappy I am, all he can say is that I'm selfish for wanting more than the life we have. We have rumbled along for years, his head is well and truly in the sand, and he knows I won't leave. Like your wife, I have tried and tried to put it out of my mind and get on for the sake of a quiet life, but it's always in my mind, and I know I want to separate and find a happier life. He seems intent on 'keeping me' rather than letting me go to find happiness. He recently said in an argument "I don't care if you're not happy." To me, if you love someone, it's a fundamental thing to want that person to be happy, whatever it takes. Not to keep them unhappy, surely.

He was away for a week recently, and it was a massive relief. I could be myself again, relaxed with the kids, not having to spend evenings keeping out of the way to avoid him, and I realised how I have lost myself over the years. Your wife's time away sounds like a taste of freedom and regaining herself, and I completely understand how she feels. There will come a point where she wants to have that and just be her own person. It's a very powerful pull, and it sounds like she's very close to making the break.

So you have two choices. If you love her and you think you can turn things round, GO TO COUNSELLING. You organise it, do all you can to get through the most difficult conversations, do everything you can to make her feel appreciated and that her feelings are valid and important to you. It might just work.
The other option, if you love her, is to let her go.

Good luck OP x

I think you should let her go. You've had ample opportunity over the years to at least attempt to get help.

At the very least you should make an appointment today. I'd seek help from a very experienced sexual psychotherapist.

What have you done?

You have have shown her over and over and over that SHE doesn't matter ENOUGH for you to do anything about the relationship.

You went to counselling with your EX - but not with her. She will think that she therefore matters LESS than your ex did.

You need to stop asking strangers what you should do, you need to listen to what you've already been asked to do by your wife and do it. Don't ask for anything more, just get on and do it.

Exhaust every possibility over the ED, get checked out physically and mentally.

Ultimately you may have left it too late, this may not save your marriage, but it will help HER to know that you cared enough to try.

she DOES love you, she's giving you the very last chance. this is more than many others would have given you, so don't let her down now.

Your wife was me five years ago. OP, I left. One day, one conversation going around the same old stuff with my then DP of 20 years avoiding, passive, apologetic and apparently so loving and committed, but actually fucking controlling the whole relationship to meet his one needs, and I just literally stood up, said "it's over" and packed two suitcases and was out of the house within half an hour. Oh how he begged me to come back ... how he hadn't actually believed I was as unhappy as that, how he'd finally understood he needed to step up blah blah blah. Too late. A switch had switched to "off" in me, and that was that.

In the other hand we are great friends now, far far happier both of us, now I don't look to him for things he simply cannot do, and he doesn't live in a hell of knowing he was not making me happy.

Be warned OP. Women can and do come to the end of their patience with men, no matter how well intentioned and otherwise decent those men are.

You will need therapy to accept that the relationship is over if this doesn’t work out and to help with parenting together as separate entities.

Have you tried to support what may soon be your ex wife to enjoy and be happy in this new phase of self discovery and self expression? That may be what makes her happiest of all at this stage. It may also be a long overdo generosity of spirit on your part.

It sounds like she has been putting you and your comfort first for many years. Do you have enough love in you for her to make this time easier for her by providing any financial and moral support she may need in this new phase she is in…? It may be the least you can do after all these years. You want her to think as well of you as she possibly can… that will be healing for both of you.

Your wife is happier when she isn't with you. You have done nothing but stick your head in the sand. These are the consequences of this. Let her go to be free and happy.

What should you do?

All the things you've said in your post you don't want to do.

What should she do?

Stop laying herself bare for a man who's done nothing for twenty years.

At some point she'll realise it's time to stop beating this dead horse.

This is all pretty brutal to read but I guess I deserve that. We do hold hands and cuddle and even kiss but it’s more a peck than an intimate snog. She said last night that she doesn’t know how to feel anymore. That she freezes now and wouldn’t know how to respond and it must come across as cold. I said that wasn’t the case, that she’s not cold and that I guess I’d just have to rely on the drugs (viagra) but she said it’s not just the viagra. It’s not just a shag. It’s the connection, the understanding. That she doesn’t know how to explain it, only feel it and that counselling is required to explain it better

So are you actually going to do anything?