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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you call this behaviour?

59 replies

Hulalucy · 11/08/2021 23:54

My current partner can be so nice, loving and caring. However, there is also a very frustrating side to him. He wants to be able to live his life doing what he wants & when it comes to this, his lack of consideration for me goes out the window. He thinks he should do what he wants, when he wants & I should be happy for him that he’s enjoying himself. But, surely when you’re in a couple, you can’t always do what you want? Surely you should be considerate of your partner? He wants to have his mate round every weekend to watch sport. Every. Weekend. He wants to be able to go on long weekends away when he wants. If I’m not well he wants to still be able to have people over. If I raise any issues I’m “causing drama”. I don’t mind him doing things but it gets to a certain point where i feel like he takes the piss. For example, if he gets invited out 3 nights in a row, he will go. Whereas I might do 1 or 2 and then arrange the other one for another week. I consider him in my plans but I don’t feel like I get that from him. If he does consider me and not go to one thing then he seems to be mad and resentful deep down about it. And it makes it even more frustrating that he gets so defensive if I raise any issues about this. There’s so many other examples of where he doesn’t consider me but don’t want to get into too many specifics. Is this normal?? I like to do my own thing too but I feel like if I always wanted to do what I want without considering someone else then I would just be single??

OP posts:
Peach01 · 12/08/2021 00:12

Sounds inconsiderate to me. He can't always have friends over in a house you share, at times when it's not suitable for you. His plans shouldn't be forced upon you at every turn. If he's never considering you then he's having the best of both worlds.
How long have you been together?

Peach01 · 12/08/2021 00:14

Sorry you didn't actually say you love together in the post. Do you?

Peach01 · 12/08/2021 00:14

**Live

chipsandgin · 12/08/2021 00:20

Hmm, sounds like a case of being a selfish, self-centred, inconsiderate prick with zero empathy & his behaviour is a screaming red flag that he’s probably a narcissist!? Run for the hills OP 🏃‍♀️ ..

Lifeishitsometimes · 12/08/2021 00:25

Are you describing a grown adult or a child on the cusp of puberty? Because my pre-teen/ teen kids are more considerate and less self-centred than this person. I think the words you're looking for are self-centred bellend...

TheBullfinch · 12/08/2021 00:28

Sorry op but it sounds like you're a convenience; there to keep house for him and facilitate his (single) lifestyle, rather than actively living life together and planning for the future.

How long have you been together? Has it always been this way?

Gingernaut · 12/08/2021 00:31

Selfish.

His behaviour is selfish.

Do not ever think about having a child by him and think about leaving.

You really would be better off single in a house share.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/08/2021 00:33

Selfish prickery.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2021 00:34

He's a narcissist. You will never matter as much as he does in his life. You are permanently in 2nd place. Run for your life.

HTH.

Hulalucy · 12/08/2021 00:35

We have been together nearly 3 years, we live together but I think lockdown has intensified his selfishness. Yes we love each other but this side of him infuriates me. He invited people round when I was really poorly. He said I should have just shut myself away in another room?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2021 00:37

Come on, op, open your eyes. This relationship is doomed.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2021 00:39

Yes we love each other but this side of him infuriates me

You may, unfortunately, love him, but nothing about his actions says he loves you. Believe his behaviour. He loves himself.

Driftingbees · 12/08/2021 00:50

Do you have dc op?

FictionalCharacter · 12/08/2021 01:08

He wants to be in a relationship and have the life of a single person at the same time. Really selfish.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/08/2021 01:16

I call it being a wanker.

Sometimes things are psychological disorders, they're just someone being a bit of an arsehole. Do you want to spend your life with an arsehole? If not, bye bye.

Peach01 · 12/08/2021 01:34

You should be able to relax in your own home. It's not all about him. Does he need constant stimulus?

updownroundandround · 12/08/2021 06:46

@Hulalucy

You cannot continue to live 'selfishly' when you are in a relationship.

If he cannot consider you/your feelings/your needs now, he'll never be able to.

Just think about him behaving like this when you have children.......Hmm It'll still be all about him and his needs and his wants and his freedom and his feelings etc etc

Is that a 'future' you'd ever want to live ?? Hmm

Tell him plainly ''You're an adult and you're in a relationship, therefore it's not about you anymore, it's supposed to be about US. If you can't grow up and consider my needs as well as your own, then you're not an adult partner, you're a child, and I cannot be in a 'relationship' with a selfish child. So it's your choice, are you going to behave like an adult, or like a child ?''

Notagain20 · 12/08/2021 06:50

@Hulalucy

We have been together nearly 3 years, we live together but I think lockdown has intensified his selfishness. Yes we love each other but this side of him infuriates me. He invited people round when I was really poorly. He said I should have just shut myself away in another room?
This isn't a "side of him", people can't be portioned like that I'm afraid. This is him, this is his behaviour, and it's selfish and thoughtless. I don't understand why you are living with someone who treats you so badly.
Knittingupastorm · 12/08/2021 06:53

He sounds like a dick, and he’s only able to live that way because you don’t. I bet if, when his friends arrived to watch sport, you were already watching the tv with your friends because that’s just what you wanted to do, that wouldn’t be ok. Because it would infringe on what he wants.

Shoxfordian · 12/08/2021 06:54

He’s basically inconsiderate and selfish
Doesn’t sound like much to love

hellcatspangle · 12/08/2021 07:11

He's clearly not ready to be in a relationship and wants to live life as a single man. He's unlikely to change either, as this behaviour has been accepted. He needs binning!

FlowerArranger · 12/08/2021 07:17

I echo the above comments. I hope you are not planning to have children because it is clear how that would go Shock

litterbird · 12/08/2021 07:19

He is single O P and it seems you are the woman at home with sex on tap and a nice clean house. Raise your bar and find someone you can have a relationship with.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 12/08/2021 07:22

It's called utterly selfish.
Don't have children with him because he won't change, he'll expect his life to remain the same, doing whatever he likes with a big 'fuck you', while you do all the grunt work.

Cocogreen · 12/08/2021 07:28

He needs to live on his own because he's living like a single man anyway.
I'd move out.
Up to you if you keep the relationship, although I don't know where he'd fit you in.

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