What do you call this behaviour?

[Hulalucy]

My current partner can be so nice, loving and caring. However, there is also a very frustrating side to him. He wants to be able to live his life doing what he wants & when it comes to this, his lack of consideration for me goes out the window. He thinks he should do what he wants, when he wants & I should be happy for him that he’s enjoying himself. But, surely when you’re in a couple, you can’t always do what you want? Surely you should be considerate of your partner? He wants to have his mate round every weekend to watch sport. Every. Weekend. He wants to be able to go on long weekends away when he wants. If I’m not well he wants to still be able to have people over. If I raise any issues I’m “causing drama”. I don’t mind him doing things but it gets to a certain point where i feel like he takes the piss. For example, if he gets invited out 3 nights in a row, he will go. Whereas I might do 1 or 2 and then arrange the other one for another week. I consider him in my plans but I don’t feel like I get that from him. If he does consider me and not go to one thing then he seems to be mad and resentful deep down about it. And it makes it even more frustrating that he gets so defensive if I raise any issues about this. There’s so many other examples of where he doesn’t consider me but don’t want to get into too many specifics. Is this normal?? I like to do my own thing too but I feel like if I always wanted to do what I want without considering someone else then I would just be single??

You love him and he loves himself. Raise your standards and get away from this man. He is completely selfish and inconsiderate.

I agree with all the above too.
You are incompatible. He sounds exhausting and selfish.
I don't consider myself selfish but when I'm ill, my OH sits with me ( if I want), brings me drinks, lets me sleep, etc. And I do the same for him.
I'd call it a day.

I'm really sorry but he is suffering from S.P.S. (Selfish Prick Syndrome), its not incurable but the majority of sufferers refuse treatment as its uncomfortable for them. My advise would be to reconsider the relationship and watch out for early symptoms in any new relationship, the earlier treatment starts the better the chance of recovery. Best of luck.

He's just not that in to you and you are not his priority. This is exactly the relationship I had before I met my husband. I was there to compliment his life, not the light of his life. I am so glad I left or I would never have progressed to the life and the relationship I deserve. He is just slotting you in to where he has a free moment.

He does at times recognise he can’t do such and such because it would be taking the piss but not before kind of testing the waters. We do a lot together still and we can be plodding on normally where we do things separate but still make time for each other then it switches and it’s one thing after another where I feel like I’m not considered. I could arrange things every weekend that I “wanted to do” that he wouldn’t be interested in but I wouldn’t do that to him. I would spread it out and consider him. I wouldn’t arrange for my mates to come round every weekend watching girly tv. I wouldn’t arrange people to come round when he was feeling ill. And if I did do that (which I wouldn’t) and he said anything to me about it, I would take it on board and not go on the defensive. It’s not like this constantly or day to day which is why we are together, as there is good. But it does feel like what the PP has said, that i’m here to compliment his life, not to be an equal partnership.

It’s not like this constantly or day to day which is why we are together, as there is good

Even if its good more than 50 % of the time, long term its not sustainable, is it? Especially if you eventually want children.

As a PP wrote, he's using you like an appliance. You give him sex and do the housework while he carries on acting single.

What's the housing situation? Are you on the tenancy/deeds?

chipsandgin I think you’re spot on , the only thing missing in your analysis is a reference to possibly not being neurotypical

My previous response was lighthearted OP - but this sounds a bit like an ex of mine - except with my ex there was also emotional abuse added in. Also, there are echoes of my mum in this as she used to drink heavily when I was primary school age knowing full well didn’t like it. I’d echo what previous posters have said and say that he’s acting like a single man...I felt my mum was like this - wanted all benefits of marriage and family but behind closed doors acted completely single!

I would call that behaviour inconsiderate and incompatible with the majority of relationships.

Now some people are just very self interested I guess, they want to do what they want to do - they’re not purposely trying to hurt anyone but they don’t see the problem in having three nights out on the trot because that’s just how they wish to live their lives.
If two people like this meet they may well make the relationship work - they focus on their own lives and have their own agendas and then occasionally fit each other in. Fine.

But that’s not you OP and I’d guess it’s not most people.

You’re fundamentally incompatible because you want a partner and he wants someone to fill the time when he’s got nothing else on or nowhere better to be.

Even if he tried to be a bit more considerate and he tried to see things from your side he’s unlikely to change so much that he becomes someone who values your time and your interests as much as his own.

If I were you I would definitely be reconsidering the future because it’s not going to get better is it. You’re just going to be become more and more resentful that he doesn’t want to spend time with you or consider your needs alongside his own.
He is simply more important than you - that’s his prerogative. You have the choice, accept this is who he is and make peace with being an afterthought or move on and find someone who enjoys your company and puts your feelings, wands and needs alongside their own

This isn’t what love looks like, whatever you might believe. If he is this selfish now, can you imagine how he will be with children, after 20 years etc?

@LBirch02 I think the more time that’s gone on I have realised it more and more. To the point now where I’m starting to weigh up what I get out of this relationship. The hard thing is I know he would be gutted if I left him. I don’t think he’s being malicious it’s just who he is.

I'd call it wanting to have his cake and eat it.

It is who he is and it makes him a selfish bastard completely unsuitable for a relationship. I can't understand why you have put up with it and you certainly shouldn't any more

Let me guess. You do the majority of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and pay half while he goes to work and comes home expecting you to wait on him.

OP I get the stage you’re at - weighing up the pros and cons. Luckily for me - I started having a major crush on another lad in our group - and this was my catalyst to leave. My crush was v good looking and I know this makes me sound about 12 - ! but it was a good thing in that it got me out of a bad relationship! I also felt we’d met very young when we were very immature and didn’t bring out the best in each other at all. He only made an effort when he sensed me starting to pull away.

I know he would be gutted if I left him

Yes because his convenient partner that puts up with his selfish inconsiderate behaviour won’t be there to cook/clean/have sex with. I have to be candid and say his actions speak loudest, he is not going to change his behaviour and is this what you imagined a relationship to look like? He won’t be any better if you marry or have children, look at all the threads about lazy uninterested partners who don’t look after children and leave everything to the OP to sort, go out for hobbies at all hours etc.

[quote Hulalucy]@LBirch02 I think the more time that’s gone on I have realised it more and more. To the point now where I’m starting to weigh up what I get out of this relationship. The hard thing is I know he would be gutted if I left him. I don’t think he’s being malicious it’s just who he is.[/quote]
Who he is isn't very nice, loving, thoughtful or attractive though. I'm afraid he won't be gutted for very long, only until he finds the next woman to put up with him in exchange for brief glimpses of affection. Time to let this one go.

As you’ve asked the name for this behaviour is selfish and inconsiderate. I’d also say it smacks of childishness too.

What do you call this behaviour?

It's the behaviour of a single man who lives alone.

He is acting like a teenager and very selfishly. Inviting people around when you are ill is awful - I can't imagine doing that to someone he's meant to love!

It sounds like his mates and freedom are more important to him.

So what if he'd be gutted if you left? As a pp said - maybe he would, because he'd have lost all the benefits you bring. But he doesn't view you as an equal other half from what you've told us. He isn't acting in a loving way.

I fear this could well get worse, and would be intolerable if you had children. I can imagine him being one of those people who thinks their life shouldn't change with children. Still staying up late then refusing night time wakes or getting up early with a toddler. Still spending evenings drinking with mates and waking the baby up. I don't think he's a long term proposition.

I divorced my exH in my 20s (with 2 small children) for exactly being like this- weekends dominated by going to football with mates , 3 or 4 evenings at pub with mates , no housework , meals expected on time etc. Basically single life but with me there for the shit bits! In his second marriage he’s been a totally different person. I think he was too young to be honest to fully appreciate what marriage should be

This sounds like my marriage to my ex-husband. Single man's life, benefits of a relationship. It got worse with children as he manipulated it to continue the single life whilst putting on a show to the outer world that he was a family man.

You won't change him. He needs to live on his own to carry on like this which will free you up to find someone who wants to be in a relationship with you. You deserve better.

[quote Hulalucy]@LBirch02 I think the more time that’s gone on I have realised it more and more. To the point now where I’m starting to weigh up what I get out of this relationship. The hard thing is I know he would be gutted if I left him. I don’t think he’s being malicious it’s just who he is.[/quote]
I'm afraid that in my experience these type of men move on fairly quickly.

It sounds like two issues here:

1. You want him to spend more time with you and to consider time with you as a priority, meaning that certain social activities would be curtailed in favour of spending time with you.

1. He thinks he can do whatever he likes in your home, invite whoever he likes, with no thought as to how you might feel about that.

Ultimately, these two things mean you're incompatible. He doesn't want o need to spend as much time with you as you want to spend with him. Similarly, you have different attitudes to how things work at home. I have known couples who will quite happily have their house full of people all the time. If one isn't really up for it they'll just wander in, wave and leave. Personally, I would hate that. But if that's what he likes then if it's not how you like to live, then again, you're incompatible.

Also, this is the kind version. He also sounds like a man who has very little interest in you or your needs. ie a dick.

Unacceptable.