Sick of the way he speaks to me

[Hope35wm]

I could go on and on with a back story and context to this but I’ve got to the point where I am at the end of my tether with this relationship.

My boyfriend and I have been together less than two years but have lived together for over a year now (mainly due to lockdown restrictions). I needed to move back to the Midlands with work and he moved with me and I helped him find a new role. In the past year I’ve bought my own property, prior to that we were living at my dads rent free which helped him get rid of all of his debt and for me to save for a mortgage deposit. He currently contributes towards bills and I charge him rent.

From the outside we have a great relationship and both work hard and support each other however I have a massive problem with the way he speaks to me. He can be verbally aggressive at any point with no apparent reason which has started to make me feel like I’m walking on egg shells. To give some context, our most recent fallouts have included: the dog escaping through a hole in the fence whilst I was in the garden so I was called a fu* idiot etc and told to shut up etc as I didn’t see because I was putting the washing out. We went out for dinner and I wanted white wine instead of red so he didn’t speak to me for the evening. I had a manic day at work and hadn’t had time to do the washing up so I was lazy and a fuc** idiot etc etc.

I’ve approached it so many times with him and to discuss why we’re falling out over mediocre things, however I don’t see how I can change this situation anymore. I can’t control stupid fall outs that each relationship has however I’ve tried to explain to him it’s how we handle and resolve them (and communicate/ speak to each other). I always get an apology in the end, usually a couple of days later once I’ve ignored him or in most cases once I drop it as I don’t want to live my life in a constant mood. It seems so silly but the way he speaks to be affects me, I can’t sleep etc as I know I deserve better. However whenever I bring it up the excuse is that’s just the way he is, or I’m too sensitive etc etc.

I don’t want to split up over this when the rest of the relationship is so good but there’s only so much I can take.

Any advise greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry but the rest of relationship is anything but great if he speaks to you in this way. He has no respect for you. You're not too sensitive at all, he is a twat. No woman should have to put up with this kind of behaviour. Get rid.

Read that back -
He can be verbally aggressive at any point with no apparent reason which has started to make me feel like I’m walking on egg shells.
so I was called a fuidiot etc and told to shut up etc*
However whenever I bring it up the excuse is that’s just the way he is, or I’m too sensitive etc etc.

I'd get rid. You won't change him

He is abusing you. Ending the relationship is the only responsible advice to give.

He's living in YOUR house, behaving like the lord of the manor and swearing at you for not doing enough housework in your own house.
Another crap male who would be out on his arse within a day if that was my house.
You do NOT have to put up with this. It is abuse and will escalate.

Why put up with this? He doesn't sound like he respects you.

He's a cunt with no respect for you. Co yourself a favour and chuck him out.

L E A V E

Get rid he’ll only get worse.

If that was me I’d be starting to resent him. He’s talking to you like that and by accepting it you’re teaching him it’s ok to call you a F’ing idiot.

I’m not surprised you’re at the end of your tether. I’d be saying speak to me like that one more time and I’ll pack your bags for you and you can bugger off back where you came from.

He’s speaking to you like shit because he has no respect for you. He’s showing you how he feels about you, you need to see that.

As you've already spoken to him about this and he's dismissed it then I would probably call it a day.
If you don't want to split up yet, the alternative is tell him VERY CLEARLY that if he EVER talks to you like that again then he'll be out on his ear. And mean it.

He's abusive. That isn't love. Get rid if him.

Why DON'T you want to break up with him? Apart from the abuse, what bit of the relationship is good?

This will not change - take it from me I had years of this - just total disrespect, speaking badly and down to me and then either acting innocent when I called him out or blaming me for making him speak like that. Once they start, they will never stop doing it as either they can't or do not want to - either way don't you want someone who fills you with joy not sourness?

Thanks everyone I think I just needed to hear it from people that aren’t my friends as I’m in the mindset where I’m questioning myself!
Appreciate your time

There is nothing good about your relationship, and it is baffling that you allow someone to treat you like this in your own home. Kick the twat out.

OP just to add, I made the mistake of marrying a man like this and having a child with him. I'm still regretting it 20 years later. (I have left him, BTW)

I had a similar bf, I thought forward 10 years and thought did I want him to be speaking to me like that in front of our potential children, or speaking like that to any future children. The answer ofcourse was no and I got rid.

If he doesn't have any claim to your house I'd packs his things up, get the locks changed and maybe if I was feeling particularly nice / he had no family to go to might book him a travelodge for the night (with his card in case he trashed the room) then I'd end it with him. You don't need any reason to end a relationship. If it's not working for you least of all being shouted and sworn at.

Why do you think you can change him? This is who he is and what he does.

You might like other aspects of his personality but at 2 years in I can't see him improving...if anything he is VERY likely to get worse. What happens when you have children as that can be way more stressful than a dog getting out.

Some people grew up in a home where conflict/verbal abuse/disrespect was "normal". It is really unlikely that an adult can change how they respond..it's not impossible but requires lots of effort. The first step is he has to want to change. He doesn't seem to want to change.

By ignoring him, to make him apologise, you are also responding in an emotionally unhealthy way. You should be able to say "it is completely unacceptable for you to speak to me that way" he could listen, apologise and make sure it does happen again. Does he abuse work colleagues as well?

If you are young you may not have experience of abusive people...the assumption many of us made was that we could change someone. I would encourage you to read up on this.."Why does he do that". Or Patricia Evans "the verbally abusive relationship"

The reason posters are saying leave is that we know, from painful experience, this never gets better and the abuse escalates, especially when you get married or have children as your ability to leave is much tougher. If you marry he will have financial rights over your property even if you contributed everything.

He’s abusing you. This only gets worse, not better.

No relationship is good enough to tolerate being spoken to and treated like that.

I don't think objecting to being called a fucking idiot is being "sensitive"

I’ve approached it so many times with him and to discuss why we’re falling out over mediocre things

You aren't 'falling out', he is verbally abusing you on a regular basis.

You sound accomplished and intelligent. Please break up with this arsehole.

This is domestic abuse. Leave him.

On these forums people often use the analogy of a nice cup of tea with a lump of shit in it. Would you drink the tea because, aside from the crap in it, it’s nice? Because this is what you’re doing with that mindset, you can’t separate abuse from being nice the rest of the time - which incidentally is how most abusers get away with it - if they weren’t nice some of the time many people would leave sooner.

He's abusive. He's abusing you. The only answer is to dump him and get rid. Sorry I know it's hard to hear but this is who he is, and it won't get better.

He'd hate me, I only drink Rose wine.