Sick of the way he speaks to me

[Hope35wm]

I could go on and on with a back story and context to this but I’ve got to the point where I am at the end of my tether with this relationship.

My boyfriend and I have been together less than two years but have lived together for over a year now (mainly due to lockdown restrictions). I needed to move back to the Midlands with work and he moved with me and I helped him find a new role. In the past year I’ve bought my own property, prior to that we were living at my dads rent free which helped him get rid of all of his debt and for me to save for a mortgage deposit. He currently contributes towards bills and I charge him rent.

From the outside we have a great relationship and both work hard and support each other however I have a massive problem with the way he speaks to me. He can be verbally aggressive at any point with no apparent reason which has started to make me feel like I’m walking on egg shells. To give some context, our most recent fallouts have included: the dog escaping through a hole in the fence whilst I was in the garden so I was called a fu* idiot etc and told to shut up etc as I didn’t see because I was putting the washing out. We went out for dinner and I wanted white wine instead of red so he didn’t speak to me for the evening. I had a manic day at work and hadn’t had time to do the washing up so I was lazy and a fuc** idiot etc etc.

I’ve approached it so many times with him and to discuss why we’re falling out over mediocre things, however I don’t see how I can change this situation anymore. I can’t control stupid fall outs that each relationship has however I’ve tried to explain to him it’s how we handle and resolve them (and communicate/ speak to each other). I always get an apology in the end, usually a couple of days later once I’ve ignored him or in most cases once I drop it as I don’t want to live my life in a constant mood. It seems so silly but the way he speaks to be affects me, I can’t sleep etc as I know I deserve better. However whenever I bring it up the excuse is that’s just the way he is, or I’m too sensitive etc etc.

I don’t want to split up over this when the rest of the relationship is so good but there’s only so much I can take.

Any advise greatly appreciated.

Make him leave.
He is a horrible man who will only make you thoroughly miserable.

Read the Lundy Bancroft book. It explains it and once you know you can't unknow. You can get the book free online and read it on your phone. I'd wager that there are plenty other things he does that are abusive. I had this with my ex husband who is a police Sargent. I thought wife abusers were scumbags but they are in all walks of life and it's a horrible thing to admit to yourself that you are being abused. In my case once we got married and had a baby the abuse got worse. I hope you have the strength to at least read the book. The very fact that you are having to moderate your behaviour in order to anticipate a mean angry response to him IN YOUR OWN HOME shows just what a warped view he has of his place in your life. A relationship should add to your life-not have your walking on eggshells. I know he won't be horrible all the time but the book explains the patterns and I saw my ex in it so clearly. It was sickening and difficult to get away but I was so much happier once I did. Hopefully it'll be easy for you to get away from your abuser as it sounds as if you don't have a joint mortgage or kids with him which is a massive blessing.

That's just horrendous. I've been in a similar relationship married this guy for 10 years. He plays the blame game constantly, wouldn't use the bad language but the message would be the same. If he tripped over the flex of the hoover it would be my fault for not tidying away the hoover before he tripped over it etc ... you can't win with these people and you will spend the rest of your life walking on eggsgells. You deserve better. Leave now before it gets messy and harder to leave, he's wearing at your confidence and your sense of right and wrong, it's so dangerous

Kick him out and drink as much red wine as you like!

sa1s3.patientpop.com/assets/docs/85477.pdf

Its not a falling out, it's just him abusing you. Ps: Even if you were to return fire, it would still be abuse. Standing up for yourself does not mean you aren't being abused. Or that you are contributing to the abuse.

He is a bully and he needs to go. Dont try to change you to fix anyone else. It's not possible. His issues are his issues. And his issue is that he shouldnt be dating because he is a nasty bastard.

Hi OP, I've been in your shoes. It just gets worse...extricate yourself from this now rather than wait until it gets so bad that you are fearful of him and his abuse. X

He's telling you this is who he is.

Who he is is unacceptable to you.

There's only way to go and the best time is now.

Advice: If you mean 'fucking', write 'fucking'. You're not hiding anything with your asterisks, and you want us all to guess the word you mean. If you're woman enough to say it, you're woman enough to write it in full.

Further advice: Send him packing. He's making you uncomfortable in your own home, and leeching first off your dad and now off you. Put a stop to it.

With regard to the wine incident, assuming you talked about it at a later date, did he give any explanation for not talking to you for having white wine????

Because he sounds barking. And very nasty.

I add my voice to the masses - get him to leave you and your house. Best of luck.

He has no respect for you to speak to you in that matter. It doesn't get better. It just gets worse. Do you want a lifetime of this??

Thank goodness for Mumsnet when I posted several of these, “Is this NORMAL?”-type threads back in the day.

It’s not normal

He wouldn’t treat others (boss, bloke in the street) like this

It’s abusive and contemptuous

You deserve better

@twinningatlife

I'd get rid. You won't change him

This.

Are you out of your minding allowing this waster live in your home and abuse you.

He is an abusive man.

How can you accept this?

Do you have ANY self respect?

Next he will be giving you a shove.

Get him out.

What a loser.

Raise your bar or this is your miserable life.🙄

Split up. Just do it. It won't get better.

My ex was like this. For years, I thought that if I modified my behaviour he wouldn't speak aggressively to me. After 21 years I realised he wasn't going to change and that I'd had enough of the abuse.
Don't be me. Don't waste your life with an abuser. Leave now.

You are not too sensitive.
He is too abusive.

Tell him to get the hell out. Who does he think he is, moving in with you and talking to you like that?

“I don’t want to split up over this when the rest of the relationship is so good”

If that’s a good relationship I’d hate to see what a bad one is. There may be parts that are good but he’s an arsehole and I wouldn’t put up with it. Honestly All that name calling would have me disliking him. I don’t see how you see anything good about him.

I left my husband at the end of last year. He verbally abused me from early in the relationship. I was too stupid and in love with him to leave. Ultimately it ended up with his hand around our son's neck, after calling him a retard, a pansy bitch, a stupid fucking idiot, and saying he wasn't his kid.

YOU NEED TO LEAVE

It won't get better, he won't change. My husband tried to change, he tried hard, medicine, therapy. And it got better, way better. And now instead of a 9/10 wanker he is more like a 5/10 wanker.

THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE AMOUNT OF ABUSE IN A RELATIONSHIP IS NONE

Read this article, tick every behaviour that he engages in, then leave and don't look back. Enjoy your new peaceful life where you aren't afraid in your own home.

www.verywellmind.com/how-to-recognize-verbal-abuse-bullying-4154087

Stop blaming yourself for him losing his temper over tiny things. You've done nothing wrong. Now get rid of him

You're not falling out. He is verbally abusing you.

Speaking from experience, it starts exactly as you have described. Doesnt get better, and despite apologies and excuses, you'll see it get worse. Then one day, hopefully very soon, you'll wake up and suddenly see him for what he is now. Not what he was when you first met and it was all lovely and fluffy. Generally, most decent people would never speak to anyone that way, and especially someone they love. Would you treat someone you loved and respected in this way? Of course you wouldnt.
Please please start thinking about how great your life would be without this constantly hanging over you. He may have good traits, but the bad ones are the ones that will dictate your days to come. I wish you courage and clear thinking. See it as one of life's experiences, but dont hang about to really regret it. X

If this is how he speaks to you, imagine what he must actually think of you.

He has no respect for you at all. This is just the beginning. How dare he treat you like this? Get rid and don’t look back.

You’ve set yourself up with owning your home and you’ve got a job, and decent enough family relationships for you to have lived with your dad. Ditch the abusive dickhead and start enjoying your life- you deserve better.