Why did my ex break up with me, then kiss me and tells me he loves me?

ston · 2021-08-10T19:57:51+00:00

My boyfriend (24m) broke up with me (24f) over the phone last week (we’re long distance but wanted to close the gap). We’ve been together 5 years. His reason is that he wants to travel for a year and then work abroad for 2 years on the other side of the world. He said he doesn’t want to look back on his life in 20 years and think he didn’t do the things he wanted to do because he was in a relationship. We met up to talk it through. He was kissing me, cuddling me, touching my legs, telling me he loved me and saying he wants to rip my clothes off when he sees me. Telling me I’m the most attractive girl he’s ever been with etc etc. We even kissed goodbye. He said I can text him when I want (I won’t) and that we will meet up in a few months. It’s been two days since I met him. I’ve been in bits since. Why does he act like he wants me, tells me he wants no one else and yet he can’t be with me? Does he want to be with me but will resent me if we had to do 3 years long distance? My mind keeps playing tricks on me and is questioning everything he told me. The classic it’s not you, it’s me. Does he want his cake and wants to eat it too?? tdlr: broke up after 5 years, met up for ‘closure’ which confused me more as he couldn’t keep his hands off me. Thinking there’s something wrong with me and that’s why he broke up.

Inthesameboatatmo · 10/08/2021 21:04

He's either having second thoughts because of the length of the relationship or he wants his cake and eat it.

Have a serious think , don't let him pressure you in any way for anything. But I wouldnt want to be someone's option if you know what I mean.
Good luck

Wonderbox · 10/08/2021 21:06

Theres nothing wrong with you, OP, but if you’re both 24 and have already been in a LDR for 5 years, I can’t honestly blame your boyfriend for wanting to go off and be free, especially if, as you imply, being in this relationship has stopped him doing things he wants to do. Obviously, he shouldn't have done so over the phone, he shouldn’t be giving off such mixed messages, and you should put him out of your head entirely, but, even if you feel terribly sad and rejected now, it’s almost certainly a blessing in disguise for you. Life will quickly start reminding you of all the compromises you made for the relationship, too, and how you can live more freely now.

ShitShop · 10/08/2021 21:08

He wants you to be there pining for him while he’s away finding himself. He’ll probably be hoping for a shag when he’s back every now and again. He realised that by breaking up over the phone he looked like a dick and had no chance of that happening so he came round to smooth things over. He may well have been angling for some break up sex, one last time.

If he wanted to be with you he would be. He’d be working out how you could do this trip together and experience the world as a couple. The fact that he wants to do it solo means he’s not ready to settle down with you, so let him go, block his number and if you get a random message in a few months asking how you are make sure to ignore it. You deserve better

Wonderbox · 10/08/2021 21:08

PS, I say the above as someone who got together with my now-DH as a student. We made a pact we would neither of us ever stop the other doing stuff, so we studied abroad separately/worked in different countries etc for years, but we’re very aware that literally none of our other undergraduate friend couples stayed together. People grow apart, or they resent one another for missed opportunities.

Indoorcamping · 10/08/2021 21:09

He was hoping for a last shag basically.

Don't let him fuck with your head. After a break up no contact is usually best. Much harder to move on if you're still in touch.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2021 21:09

He doesn’t want you but doesn’t want you to find someone else

He wants you sobbing and waiting for him while he goes off to sow his oats

Don’t be the Fallback Girl

Maunderingdrunkenly · 10/08/2021 21:09

Does he want his cake and wants to eat it too??

Yup. You’ve got him pegged. He sounds like he fancies you etc, but has his eyes on the prize.

Him saying ‘you can text me if you want’ is code for, if you text me I am not responsible for you being crushed if I sack you off again because you’ve text me first.

Stay away from him mate and cry your tears. It’ll all be fine!

Original poster

ston · 10/08/2021 21:12

Thanks for your replies everyone.

It’s hard not thinking it’s me - why is he saying all these things to me when he doesn’t mean it. His brother said he will regret breaking up with me, and that he won’t get anyone as good as me.

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WimpoleHat · 10/08/2021 21:12

Does he want his cake and wants to eat it too??

Yes - you’ve hit the nail on the head, unfortunately….

Neverrains · 10/08/2021 21:15

He wants to have his cake and eat it. Wants you pining at home while he’s shagging around on his travels.
This happened to a very good friend of mine at a similar age. Her long term boyfriend ended things saying he wanted to go travelling etc. Told her he loved her as he was leaving and told her to wait for him. Came back a year later with his new girlfriend (now wife) while my friend had hung around waiting for him.

Original poster

ston · 10/08/2021 21:15

@Wonderbox

PS, I say the above as someone who got together with my now-DH as a student. We made a pact we would neither of us ever stop the other doing stuff, so we studied abroad separately/worked in different countries etc for years, but we’re very aware that literally none of our other undergraduate friend couples stayed together. People grow apart, or they resent one another for missed opportunities.

Did you do long distance for all those years? I did say we could have managed it but obviously he didn’t think it was worth it.

Did any of your friends ever get back together?

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LolaSmiles · 10/08/2021 21:20

He doesn't necessarily want to have his cake and eat it. He may genuinely have feelings for you, but a long distance relationship between 19-24 is a large chunk of time. He may be concerned that whilst he wants to explore the world in early adulthood, if you stay together it's easy to drift into moving in, then weddings, babies, especially if you've shared your thoughts on where the relationship is heading (don't know if you have btw).

It's possible to have feelings for someone whilst being at different life stages or having different priorities. Neither person is right or wrong though.

Neverrains · 10/08/2021 21:21

@LolaSmiles

He doesn't necessarily want to have his cake and eat it. He may genuinely have feelings for you, but a long distance relationship between 19-24 is a large chunk of time. He may be concerned that whilst he wants to explore the world in early adulthood, if you stay together it's easy to drift into moving in, then weddings, babies, especially if you've shared your thoughts on where the relationship is heading (don't know if you have btw).

It's possible to have feelings for someone whilst being at different life stages or having different priorities. Neither person is right or wrong though.

Yes that’s fine, but don’t you think that to end things with the OP and then behave like he did is a bit, well… cuntish. He’s given her false hope.

Original poster

ston · 10/08/2021 21:23

@LolaSmiles

He doesn't necessarily want to have his cake and eat it. He may genuinely have feelings for you, but a long distance relationship between 19-24 is a large chunk of time. He may be concerned that whilst he wants to explore the world in early adulthood, if you stay together it's easy to drift into moving in, then weddings, babies, especially if you've shared your thoughts on where the relationship is heading (don't know if you have btw).

It's possible to have feelings for someone whilst being at different life stages or having different priorities. Neither person is right or wrong though.

Why are they so scared to commit? I wasn’t asking for marriage and kids next year or anything. I was happy with how it was going.

He was adamant to me he hasn’t broken up with me so that he can get with other girls. But obviously he would say that.

It really hurts thinking of him with someone else when

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LolaSmiles · 10/08/2021 21:25

True. The potential catch up in a few months is a bit crap.
On one hand it could be giving false hope, on another he's hoping for a booty call, on the other it could be one of those open ended comments that will probably come to nothing because life gets busy and everyone moves on.

It's probably safer for the OP to guard her heart and move on with time than waste any more energy on him.

LolaSmiles · 10/08/2021 21:28

Why are they so scared to commit? I wasn’t asking for marriage and kids next year or anything. I was happy with how it was going.

Sometimes people have different time frames. I know people who have ended things with men because their time frames and priorities were different.

To put another spin on it, if he did go travelling the world, would you want to sacrifice your 20s waiting for a man to return in the hope that when he's scratched the wanderlust itch there's a chance you'll settle down? You're worth more than hanging around at home waiting for a man's priorities priorities match yours.

category12 · 10/08/2021 21:40

He wanted a goodbye shag. What you describe was all about the physical with some sweet words in the mix, that's all. But wanting to fuck you doesn't mean he's having second thoughts.

I think he's doing you both a favour if travelling and working abroad is what he wants to do for the next 3 years. It frees you both up, rather than trying to keep it going, living a half-life and being miserable.

Take some time out to get over it, and then focus on what you want to do and really engage with life. You're young, you could be doing anything.

Original poster

ston · 10/08/2021 21:45

True, maybe he is doing me a favour too. I just hope he actually goes abroad and didn’t throw away our relationship for no reason.

Ps we met outside in a park, not in a house!

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Skysblue · 10/08/2021 21:48

He’s treated you really badly OP. Seriously after 5 yrs that was awful behaviour.

Sounds like he wants to demote you from potentially ‘The One’ to fuckbuddy. Do not let him do that. He will also bang on about not being ready to commit / settle down / how you deserve more, while saying how hot you are - which mixed signals is a very common way to manipulate you into saying you don’t want a commitment and are happy with totally casual sex.

This is common behaviour btw. Bridget Jones book talked about it in the 1990s etc.

You deserve so much better than this OP.

Kisskiss · 10/08/2021 21:50

Almost the exact same thing happened to me when I was 25. My then bf wanted to go and work in a different country for 2 years ( or more) and I guess do all the things than come with being 25 and having an exciting new life in different place.. he also told me similar things to what your ex is saying., loves me.. relationship is amazing, blah blah.

My heart was broken..

On hindsight , I think he did feel that way .. and he meant what he said, but he also wanted his adventure and 24/25 is honestly very young..
Mine kept pinging back, calling loads, flying back randomly , and eventually, 3 years later he came bck and wanted to restart things between us.. but my feelings had changed .

I wish I could give you a big hug, because I know it probably hurts now. It’s really not you, and it Will feel better with time, I promise.

Wonderbox · 10/08/2021 21:55

I think the difference, PP, is that it wasn’t a matter of one person hanging around waiting for the other, or either of us waiting for life to begin once we were in the same place — we were both highly ambitious self-starters being offered opportunities, scholarships, jobs etc on different continents that we didn’t want to turn down. But nor did we want to give up what we had. It was a long shot. Not, not exclusively LDR, as we sometimes got jobs or took unpaid leave to spend a year together somewhere, but we only started living together on a permanent, no pied-à-terre elsewhere when our DS was born, nearly 20 years after we first met. No, not a single pair of the people who were couples when we got together is still together.

Assuming your boyfriend is a fundamentally decent person, he'd be terribly unfair to keep you hanging around for three years. Presumably he also wants to have the option of seeing other people while he’s abroad. It’s better to end things now than having them go sour later. Ignore the mixed messages, and embrace your own, independent life.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/08/2021 21:56

@Skysblue

He’s treated you really badly OP. Seriously after 5 yrs that was awful behaviour.

Sounds like he wants to demote you from potentially ‘The One’ to fuckbuddy. Do not let him do that. He will also bang on about not being ready to commit / settle down / how you deserve more, while saying how hot you are - which mixed signals is a very common way to manipulate you into saying you don’t want a commitment and are happy with totally casual sex.

This is common behaviour btw. Bridget Jones book talked about it in the 1990s etc.

You deserve so much better than this OP.

All of this.

God it enrages me to see this shit behaviour still happening.

Of course he's not wrong to break it off, it is a long time to be in a relationship at that age.

But dear God, show some respect, man. Be honest, be kind, be respectful. Don't try to mess with your head & heart by giving mixed messages and pawing at you for a bit of sex.

It's horrible now OP. But you will be ok. You'll meet someone better than this.

Please don't fall into this trap.

Original poster

ston · 10/08/2021 21:59

@Wonderbox it’s nice you stayed together and committed to one another. It’s a shame he couldn’t do the same for me.

He loves me, but he clearly can’t that much. I hope he regrets it, and is hurting as much as I am.

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Neverrains · 10/08/2021 22:00

Sometimes relationships don’t work out. People want different things. He hasn’t done wrong by ending it if that’s what he wants, but he has treated you poorly with his behaviour since.

Original poster

ston · 10/08/2021 22:00

I didn’t realise how badly he treated me when he saw me. Thanks all for making me realise. It’s hard as I really love him.

My hearts hurting 💔

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