Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Why did my ex break up with me, then kiss me and tells me he loves me?

81 replies

ston · 10/08/2021 20:57

My boyfriend (24m) broke up with me (24f) over the phone last week (we’re long distance but wanted to close the gap). We’ve been together 5 years. His reason is that he wants to travel for a year and then work abroad for 2 years on the other side of the world. He said he doesn’t want to look back on his life in 20 years and think he didn’t do the things he wanted to do because he was in a relationship.

We met up to talk it through. He was kissing me, cuddling me, touching my legs, telling me he loved me and saying he wants to rip my clothes off when he sees me. Telling me I’m the most attractive girl he’s ever been with etc etc. We even kissed goodbye. He said I can text him when I want (I won’t) and that we will meet up in a few months.

It’s been two days since I met him. I’ve been in bits since. Why does he act like he wants me, tells me he wants no one else and yet he can’t be with me? Does he want to be with me but will resent me if we had to do 3 years long distance? My mind keeps playing tricks on me and is questioning everything he told me. The classic it’s not you, it’s me.

Does he want his cake and wants to eat it too??

tdlr: broke up after 5 years, met up for ‘closure’ which confused me more as he couldn’t keep his hands off me. Thinking there’s something wrong with me and that’s why he broke up.

OP posts:

Wonderbox · 10/08/2021 22:03

@LolaSmiles

Why are they so scared to commit? I wasn’t asking for marriage and kids next year or anything. I was happy with how it was going.

Sometimes people have different time frames. I know people who have ended things with men because their time frames and priorities were different.

To put another spin on it, if he did go travelling the world, would you want to sacrifice your 20s waiting for a man to return in the hope that when he's scratched the wanderlust itch there's a chance you'll settle down? You're worth more than hanging around at home waiting for a man's priorities priorities match yours.

Agreed, @LolaSmiles, and agree with all your posts. The mixed messages make him sound either like a tool hoping for a goodbye shag and the ego-boosting knowledge he’s got someone carrying a torch for him at home while he gets dengue fever in some dive in the Dominican Republic, but being charitable, he may be genuinely attached to her and clumsily trying to let her down lightly, or in fact shitting a brick himself about ending things, as she’s all he’s known, presumably, since he was a teenager.

Either way, OP, put him out of your head. Claim your own life — you’re only 24, and that’s way too young to be gloomily sticking pins in a world map of someone else’s adventures.

Regularsizedrudy · 10/08/2021 22:38

Sorry to be blunt but he doesn’t want a relationship with you but was still up for a shag. Pretty sure you posted about him before? Don’t let him mess you about like this. You need a clean break from him.

Original poster

ston · 10/08/2021 22:41

I think the problem is he kept telling me he wants the relationship… he just can’t because of the circumstances. Or that’s the reason he is saying. He said he wouldn’t have been with me for 5 years if he didn’t think I was great, attractive etc. But I still think it’s me.

I’m spiralling out of control because of this.

OP posts:

Wonderbox · 10/08/2021 22:45

@ston

I’m spiralling out of control because of this.

But does it matter, OP? Relationships end for all kinds of reasons, many of them no one’s ‘fault’ at all — especially when they start as young as yours did. People grow up and grow apart, or circumstances mean the relationship no longer works.

Original poster

ston · 10/08/2021 22:47

True, @Wonderbox. I clearly need to let go. Just trying not to think it’s because of a fault in me, which is hard. My self esteem was already low and now I keep looking in the mirror and hating myself.

OP posts:

GolfForBrains · 10/08/2021 22:50

If he wanted you more than he wanted to travel, he wouldn't be travelling. If he wanted to have you and travel, he'd be proposing how to make it work long distance, or how you could travel together. Unfortunately for you, he's picked the third option - he wants to travel more than he wants to be with you. That doesn't mean you aren't great (he wouldn't have behaved as he did when you met up otherwise) and it doesn't mean the last five years weren't, but he has made his choice. Hold on to your dignity and let him go.

Wonderbox · 10/08/2021 22:51

@ston

True, *@Wonderbox*. I clearly need to let go. Just trying not to think it’s because of a fault in me, which is hard. My self esteem was already low and now I keep looking in the mirror and hating myself.

Look, I can imagine, @ston. You’ve been in a relationship with him your entire adult life, so no wonder you feel so strange. Be kind to yourself, keep breathing, and life will start reminding you about the good aspects of no longer being in this relationship. It’s a new phase in your life, and it will become more exciting as it starts to feel less odd and new.

Neverrains · 11/08/2021 06:57

Oh OP I do feel for you. He probably doesn’t know 100% what he wants, he just knows that it isn’t to settle down right now. Relationships end for all sorts of reasons.
I was in a long term relationship from aged 16 and much of that was long distance due to me being at uni. We stayed together for 7 years including a year of me living abroad, then split when we finally were able to live together and settle down. Turned out we both wanted entirely different things out of life (he wanted us to buy a house in our home town, get engaged and settle, I didn’t). We still loved each other, it just wasn’t to be.
You’re both young. There’s still so much to see and do.

Original poster

ston · 11/08/2021 07:57

@Neverrains how did you get over it?

It has been nearly 2 weeks and I’m in physical pain every single day. I can barely get out of bed in the morning.

OP posts:

Neverrains · 11/08/2021 08:03

It was tough. I threw myself into work mainly. Saw friends a lot, made plans for weekends away etc. It gets easier.
6 months later I met my now DH (at work). We’ve been married 12 years.

YouJustDoYou · 11/08/2021 08:05

He's horny and you're convenient, but he also wants the freedom to shag around.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 11/08/2021 08:14

It’s not you, it’s him.
He wants to travel and work overseas, i honestly can’t blame him for that. If he didn’t do it now before he’s settled with DC then he’ll probably never get to do it, and he would live with that regret.
That said he is totally wrong in how he went about it. He shouldn’t have told you over the phone, that’s just cowardly. Also he shouldn’t have been telling you how he wants to rip your clothes off and all the other stuff. He SHOULD have spoken to you in person and told you his reasons for needing to leave the relationship and left. Might sound harsh but way better than all the theatrics of how he loves you and how wonderful you are.
Op let him go, he’s said he wants a life without you, take him at his word and leave him be. Block him so he can’t keep reminding you how ‘special and attractive’ you are as it’ll just drag it out and once you start to feel better (which you soon will) the last thing you’ll need is him getting in touch again.
Go cold turkey, you’re 24 , get out there and enjoy yourself even if you don’t feel like it at first, once you start having fun you’ll soon be back on your feet .

BonesJones · 11/08/2021 08:18

Angling for an exit shag I presume, and probably hoping to keep you warm enough to acquiesce to a convenience shag when he's back home.

Summergarden · 11/08/2021 08:23

Ah, sending hugs to you. I remember when my first serious boyfriend ended it when I was 22. Just as you describe it was actual physical pain, so heartbreaking.

But I promise you will get over this. Please don’t meet up with him again or phone or text him. All that just prolongs the agony and gives false hope.

Make a clean break. Focus on yourself. Arrange to meet up with friends to keep your mind occupied, declutter your home, have a pamper session, whatever it takes to get your mind off him.

notacooldad · 11/08/2021 08:24

He wants to have his cake and eat it. Wants you pining at home while he’s shagging around on his travels.
This happened to a very good friend of mine at a similar age
This also happened to a friend of mine as well.
She finally got her man when he was 64 and divorced grandad.
She waited over 40 years for him and still thinks she "won" she tells everyone that true love does happen.
Everyone else sees that she had a wasted life while waiting for him and gave up the chance to have children( that she wanted).
A very extreme example but at least she's happy now!

Freddy12 · 11/08/2021 08:43

Does sound to me like he was after a last goodbye shag to me
Fine if he is clear that’s what it is not if he is trying to get it by telling you what he did, that’s cruel

LolaSmiles · 11/08/2021 09:06

You sound like my friend Neverrains. Their break up was hard and clumsy because they both loved each other but they wanted different things at different times.

Treacletoots · 11/08/2021 09:25

How do you get over it? You focus your mind on what your life looks like next. What you can do when you can basically do anything you want.

Stop torturing yourself with understanding why he did what he did etc. It's irrelevant. The truth is, you know why he's done it, you just don't want to accept that someone you thought loved you would treat you like shit.

Move forward with the mantra believe what people DO not what they SAY. Its easy to say I love you but harder to actually behave that way (for him apparently)

You need to focus all your energy on yourself. What would make you happy and start planning. If you genuinely focus on moving on you'll feel better a lot sooner than you think and will look back and realise you had a lucky escape.

If he can treat you like this, he really doesn't love you, and he's a selfish dick. You can do better.

Neverrains · 11/08/2021 09:31

Yeah, it’s tough when there’s no real ‘reason’ for your break up apart from that fundamentally you want different things from life.
We both went on to marry people we were far better suited to though, so all’s well that ends well!

SmokeyDevil · 11/08/2021 09:42

He was adamant to me he hasn’t broken up with me so that he can get with other girls. But obviously he would say that.

He says that after saying that he doesn't want to look back in 20 years and miss what he could have had if he wasn't in a relationship. What else could he want? Does he think you are stupid?

He wants to go abroad, shag whoever he wants, and come back to find you waiting at home like a good little girl that can be his wife then. I guess at least he has the loyalty in that he didn't stay with you, cheat on you and never tell you, but this way isn't much better.

Just block him and start dating again when you are ready. Do not be his fallback girl.

Malena77 · 11/08/2021 10:18

When they say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ - believe them. Sometimes it’s not the fact that a relationship ends, it’s how they end it. These messy goodbyes delivered by emotionally immature men are the most damaging, you are left feeling gaslighted, manipulated and keep obsessing about what they meant and what they feel.
Delete. Move on. Time heals. It’ll get better. You actually do deserve better! X

Original poster

ston · 11/08/2021 16:07

Thanks everyone - I now know I truly deserve better. It’s hard as I love him so much.

I cannot stop romanticising what our life would have been like together. It doesn’t help that I am comparing my life to his. He has a great job, lives in a lovely area by the sea, is intelligent, can cook, his family are lovely. I can’t help but compare it to my life and think I have nothing going for me. I am so lost in my life right now, and it hurts he clearly thinks he can do better than me.

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 11/08/2021 16:15

He probably wants to snog/have sex with someone before he goes away and he quite likes the idea of having someone single and waiting for him in case he comes back. He also wants to go off as a single person so he can shag who he wants to on his travels!

Neverrains · 11/08/2021 16:17

Do you have a job OP? Do you live alone?

Original poster

ston · 11/08/2021 16:21

He keeps saying if he wanted to be single he would have been at uni.

Yes I have a job but it’s from home. I live with my parents. I think that’s depressing me too - he has his own house and can now bring any girl back to it that he likes. :(

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread