Why did my ex break up with me, then kiss me and tells me he loves me?

[ston]

My boyfriend (24m) broke up with me (24f) over the phone last week (we’re long distance but wanted to close the gap). We’ve been together 5 years. His reason is that he wants to travel for a year and then work abroad for 2 years on the other side of the world. He said he doesn’t want to look back on his life in 20 years and think he didn’t do the things he wanted to do because he was in a relationship.

We met up to talk it through. He was kissing me, cuddling me, touching my legs, telling me he loved me and saying he wants to rip my clothes off when he sees me. Telling me I’m the most attractive girl he’s ever been with etc etc. We even kissed goodbye. He said I can text him when I want (I won’t) and that we will meet up in a few months.

It’s been two days since I met him. I’ve been in bits since. Why does he act like he wants me, tells me he wants no one else and yet he can’t be with me? Does he want to be with me but will resent me if we had to do 3 years long distance? My mind keeps playing tricks on me and is questioning everything he told me. The classic it’s not you, it’s me.

Does he want his cake and wants to eat it too??

tdlr: broke up after 5 years, met up for ‘closure’ which confused me more as he couldn’t keep his hands off me. Thinking there’s something wrong with me and that’s why he broke up.

Five years is a long time, especially at your age. But maybe you've built your life around him as you are now feeling you have nothing else? That's not healthy. You need to be happy with your self and your life. How much worse would it be if he asked you to wait and you spent 3 years hanging on for messages, calls and visits? You need to look for things that could make you happy- job, training for a career, new hobbies, new friends etc.

My friends and I were pretty ruthless in a sense at your age. All pursuing careers, some of us buying our own places, some going to work abroad for a bit (I kind of regret I never did the latter). A lot of us had serial boyfriends and / or didnt meet our life partners till our late 20s or early 30s. It feels good looking back to know we had a range of 'experiences'. I can't imagine being with the same guy from my teens. And certainly can't imagine being married to the first bf I loved (we still send letters at Christmas!). I can only think of about 3 couples I know who are still with their teen bf or gf 25 to 30 years later.

Grieve and then pick yourself up and start your new life. Believe me, it will get much much better!

Please don't let this knock your confidence. It isn't you. He clearly loved you if you had 5 happy years together. He may still love you in some way, but it is possible that he panicked, saw his life stretched out in front of him and thought he had to do something different, strike out, have some adventures.

It isn't you. You mustn't let this undermine your feelings of self worth. It's ever so easy to look at people around us (in your case him) and think they have so much more than us. But in life there will always be people who are in a better place than you, and people who are in a worse place. And it's a moving feast. If you want more for your life then you can start changing that.

See this as a turning point for you too. Think about what you want to achieve, experience, where you want to be in say a year, 2 years, 5 years, and start planning how you'll get there. Think creatively. Get excited about the future. You can dream big when you are your age.

Then start taking small steps towards that brilliant future. You'll get a bit stronger with each step, and hopefully a bit more confident and believe in yourself more.

You may or may not cross paths with your ex again in the future. I bet before too long you won't mind too much either way. You'll have too much other stuff going on. You might even have met someone better.

x

You’re going to be ok. Let him go and let yourself feel sad for a little while. Then make a plan for what you want to achieve in your own life and how you’re going to get there, and then start following your plan.

OP I really feel for you. When I split up with my first "real" (ie actually had sex with him) boyfriend I was utterly crushed. I remember I cried silently for days on end. I was in a customer facing role as well, I told them all I had an eye infection 🙊

I threw myself into work - I took on a more senior role about 2wks after the split. I also took on a second job to fill up my unworked hours.

He has a great job, lives in a lovely area by the sea, is intelligent, can cook, his family are lovely

Which of these can you work to achieve? Clearly you're already intelligent, judging by your posts, which are well written. Living by the sea is overrated. And you can't make your family into a functional one if they're not. But you absolutely can work on progressing your career, and you can definitely learn to cook!

@ston

Did you were talk about going together?
If. Or that says something about your LTR.

I can’t fault his reasons for ending your relationship, they are valid and if I were advising him I would tell him so. However, since splitting with you he has behaved very poorly and if you let him, he will continue to mess with your head.

It sounds like a lot of your identity and self worth was wrapped up in your relationship with him. You’re dissatisfied with your life, so you focus on and dream about a life together with him, which is fine until that imagined future evaporates. I can understand this but it isn’t healthy and that attitude will only hurt you in the long run. This is something you need to work on.

Right now you’re grieving and vulnerable, which makes his continued presence in your life very confusing for you. Protect yourself and don’t be available for his bullshit.

If you continue to struggle, please seek support (not from him or anyone associated with him).

Break ups suck, when you are going through one they feel like the end of the world. Only in time will you see the rejuvenating opportunities that come with them.

@ston

Thanks everyone - I now know I truly deserve better. It’s hard as I love him so much.

I cannot stop romanticising what our life would have been like together. It doesn’t help that I am comparing my life to his. He has a great job, lives in a lovely area by the sea, is intelligent, can cook, his family are lovely. I can’t help but compare it to my life and think I have nothing going for me. I am so lost in my life right now, and it hurts he clearly thinks he can do better than me.

And yet he’s planning to quit his job, leave the nice place by the sea, and move away from his family for up to three years — his ‘perfect’ life is not satisfying him, he wants something different.

I agree with @AgentJohnson —- you sound as if you were unhealthily dependent on this relationship for your self-worth, and are struggling because you can no longer do so now. But you’re so young. You can change anything you don’t like about your life — change jobs or retrain for something you’re interested in, move to the coast,leave the country on your own travels — and if you can read a recipe or follow a YouTube video, you can cook. There’s mo magic involved.

He treated you shockingly when you met up with him. You don’t split then toy with the other person’s feelings.
You deserve better.

I agree with the other posters. You are so young (I promise!) and have so many opportunities ahead of you. For instance, you've got another six years before you even need to think about settling down and having babies. There are still decent men out there at your age who don't come with the baggage of an ex-wife and children.

What do you want to be like as a person when you are 30? Do you want to have travelled? Do you want to have developed a new skill? Do you want to have volunteered in a particular sector? Do you want to have studied something new? Think about what you can achieve on your own, not something which depends on someone else (eg not 'I want to be in a relationship'). Get to know yourself as an individual again, after having been in a relationship for five years. When you do that, your self-worth will come from within and your confidence will grow.

Breaking up with someone is very similar to a bereavement. It really hurts. And it's okay to acknowledge the grief. But make sure you don't get stuck there. Don't pine for this guy for three years and waste those three years of your life. You can do and be so much more than that.

In all honesty, although it's going to be hard for you, I would de-friend and/or unfollow him on social media, delete his number from your phone and block his number. You need a clear head to move on, and he sounds as though he can't be trusted not to mess with your feelings. He may not be messing with them deliberately, but he is and sending you mixed signals Maybe in the future (and note: I'm talking years, not months) you can go back to being friends, but right now you can't, and the more you are connected to him, the harder it will be for you to move on.

I feel sad to read that you think there is some unspecified “fault” in you which has sparked this break up. That there is something you did wrong. If he is so amazing how did five years with him leave you feeling like that when the reality is he just wants to travel?
It does sound like being with him didn’t do much for your self esteem at all and so this break up could be a blessing in disguise. It sounds like he had the upper hand in your relationship and is still behaving in a very entitled way.
Even the post break up seems to be all about him and what he wants. His generous instructions about allowing you to text him and he might reply are gobsmacking in Their utter arrogance. It’s also annoying that he made you listen to all his amazing and “glamorous” travel plans and bigged up his future and himself. ( yet he hasn’t even gone yet?) no wonder it was hard to hear.
Travel isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and when he lands back in 3 years time he will have had a good break but could well be back at SQ 1 again, boring everyone with tales of how great the beaches in Thailand were. I know several people who did that.
There’s nothing you could have done differently and there’s no “fault” in you that led to his behaviour. He’s doing what he wants to do regardless of you.
And looking at his high opinion of himself and poor behaviour afterwards, maybe he’s the one with the “fault” and you are better off without someone who has put you down instead of supporting you in the way you supported him. Perhaps it wasn’t an equal partnership in that sense.

I do feel for you, when it is a physical pain to literally get up, but this is natural you’ve had a massive shock and are grieving but it will absolutely get a bit easier every day. Treat yourself kindly and distract yourself as much as you can. Try some new things. See friends. Take a break somewhere yourself, even if it’s just for the weekend. Things are opening up so it’s a good time to do this as you start to feel better.
As many have already said, and there’s some good advice on this thread, on how to move forward, This has set you free to start making plans for your own life. Grieve, block and move on. Make your own plans and I promise you things will get better day by day. Whatever you do don’t let him continue to mess you around with post breakup blandishments to fill his time before he leaves.

People can do this for a whole spectrum of reasons ranging from ‘sociopathic messing you about’ to ‘genuine understandable (frustrating) confusion/wobble’ and everything in between.

I’d be worried that when he saw you again it was all about sexual attraction and appearance from him and not eg ‘I’m so stupid I love you and want to be with you can we think about travelling together?’ Or similar.

It does sound like your life has been in a holding pattern as it revolved around him.

Have you been to uni?
You can have a good paying job too with training in something that pays well.
Have you had a gap year?
Maybe you could work and study in another country?
I would delete and block him so he doesn't painfully drag you on.

Absolutely agree with @EdgeOfACoin re blocking him. My last LTR ended quite painfully and I didn't block or delete him because I was waiting for him to pay me back the money I'd loaned him towards the end of the relationship. (Spoiler alert: he didn't!)

In reality I knew he was never going to pay it back, and the contact being open really stopped me from moving on. When I finally got my shit together and blocked him, that was when the healing process really began.

You can do this OP. You are young and have so much life in front of you. I know it feels awful right now but you WILL find happiness 💐

A really helpful thing for me has been to get into a routine every day of listing 3 things that are positives for that day (or the previous day). They don't need to be massive. Could be as simple as "I found a pound in the Tesco trolley" but I like to concentrate on actions that I've taken. So "I complimented the cashier on her manicure and spread a little happiness" or "I reviewed my finances and cancelled subscriptions I didn't need".

Because when you're unhappy, for any reason, it's sometimes hard to see the positive things - there's a tendency to think "OMG everything is fucked, my life is a mess and this will never improve." Deliberately concentrating on positives gets you out of that trap and will help you move forward.

Thank you for your kind words/advice everyone.

I graduated when I was 22 and was working a normal job to be able to go travelling the year later (gap year) but then covid striked. I started applying for graduate schemes last September but just didn't manage to get one in London where I wanted to be. I now have a job near my home town which I am not liking. I am thinking of applying for graduate schemes again but that means I probably won't start until I am 25 which I hate the thought of.

Now I realise my ex really didn't treat my right.

But I cannot shake the feeling that there is something more than the travelling. I am thinking of all the things he had that I don't - he has a really well paid job in London with all these opportunities coming his way. I am living at home with my parents with a job half the salary of his. Maybe he wanted someone that had a job like his? Or was more attractive? Or had more friends? I don't know. It's difficult and I'm blaming myself so much. How could he say all these things to me but then throw away our relationship.

It's really hurting and I still cannot get him out of my head at any point in the day. It's exhausting and I feel like I could spiral.

He was very selfish to behave as he did AFTER telling you he was off travelling.

Very self centered of him if you think about it.

You put yourself first and detach from following his life in any way. His recent actions are those of a user.

I mean this very kindly (it’s something it took me a while to come to terms with after splitting with my long term boyfriend at that age)… even if it is something else, and he’s fallen out of love with you for whatever reason, it doesn’t change the outcome. People change as they get older. People want different things. It’s not a reflection on you as a person, just that your relationship has run its course. Work on being happy with your life without him. If you’re unhappy with your job, put your energy into changing it. Not because you think he might be unhappy with your job!

I understand everything changes, just wish it would have stayed the same forever.

I think I will have to call my GP - I cannot live like this.

@ston

I understand everything changes, just wish it would have stayed the same forever.

I think I will have to call my GP - I cannot live like this.

That’s probably a good idea. Heartbreak is tough, but it will get easier I promise.

There is some scientific evidence to show that emotional pain manifests itself very similarly to physical pain. That's why it is so difficult.

But be easy with yourself - you were together for 5 years and the breakup is still very new. You are allowed to acknowledge the pain. It is part of the grieving process. It is normal.

But focus on yourself - your own job, your own friends, your own hobbies. You will get through this. Don't give him too much space in your head. At the moment he is living in your thoughts rent free, and he doesn't deserve that much mental energy. When you catch yourself thinking about him, think 'no, I won't think about him right now. I am going to concentrate on xyz instead'. It will become easier over time, and it will help you now if you delete his number and block him, even though it is hard.

That type of behaviour is very unfair. He's broke up with you because he felt the relationship was holding him back, yet he's all over when he sees you. He should've been respectful enough not to behave in that way when you met.

@ston

Thank you for your kind words/advice everyone.

I graduated when I was 22 and was working a normal job to be able to go travelling the year later (gap year) but then covid striked. I started applying for graduate schemes last September but just didn't manage to get one in London where I wanted to be. I now have a job near my home town which I am not liking. I am thinking of applying for graduate schemes again but that means I probably won't start until I am 25 which I hate the thought of.

Now I realise my ex really didn't treat my right.

But I cannot shake the feeling that there is something more than the travelling. I am thinking of all the things he had that I don't - he has a really well paid job in London with all these opportunities coming his way. I am living at home with my parents with a job half the salary of his. Maybe he wanted someone that had a job like his? Or was more attractive? Or had more friends? I don't know. It's difficult and I'm blaming myself so much. How could he say all these things to me but then throw away our relationship.

It's really hurting and I still cannot get him out of my head at any point in the day. It's exhausting and I feel like I could spiral.

Your sadness is making you think this is some kind of anomaly (he ‘threw away’ our relationship’), but in fact it’s very usual for relationships (whether they’re sexual/romantic or friendships) to end — because of different priorities, different locations, people growing apart etc. It is very, very unusual for a romantic relationship that started when both people were in their teens to survive the major changes, relocations, self/reinventions of your 20s, far less longer. And often, when it does, it holds one or both people back and prevents them from doing things they would have done left to themselves. You certainly sound as if you were in a holding pattern psychologically because of the relationship.

Oh and go for it with the grad schemes! I did mine when I was 23 (with a large bank) and there was a range of ages up to around 30.

@NotableTree what is a holding pattern psychologically?

I understand that, but there are also couples I know that have stayed together. It's hard thinking I was everything he apparently wanted but just not right now.

His mum said to me she would have been so happy if he told her he waned to marry me. He said himself if he met me in 5 years he would have probably married me. It hurts so much.

@Neverrains oh really? I have in my head everyone has done them straight after uni, and here I am going to be 3 years later.