Is staying after an affair just as bad as leaving?

[p12241342]

I recently found out 3 months ago that my wife has been having an affair for the past 2 months.

We have decided to stick together and try and get through this because we have been together for 20 years and have two children. She says she still loves me and it was a mistake. I love her just as much now as I always have.

But i'm finding it hard, very hard.....

It's all I ever think about, its all I ever talk about. Its like I'm obsessed.

To start with the first 8 weeks of discovery my wife was caring, understanding, loving and was really trying to me me feel wanted and that we could make this work.

However in the past 3 weeks or so things have gone down hill. We bicker all the time. She now is saying we cant do this very minute of every day. The questions have to stop. She has said that its doing her head in all the questions and that we don't talk about anything else. We at some point need to try and move past it. She understands that I will never forget and I do need to talk about it, but not every minute of the day. Even on texts when im not with her. The same questions the same conversations.

I do agree with her.

Its all I talk about from the time I get up to the time I go to bed. But I feel I have to talk about it. Its only been 3 months since discovery day. She says she understands that im hurting she understands that I need to talk about it but not all the time.

She said I'm rubbing her face in it, even though she has said she has said sorry many times. She has admitted it is the worst mistake of her life. Im not rubbing her face in it and I don't want an apology.

Every day I wake up and just worry what she is doing, who she is texting and if she is still in contact with this guy. Im living a nightmare.

My question is.......Does it get better as this must be early days for me isn't it?

Is it as much heart ache staying and putting myself through this every day or is it easier to leave.

Either way I'm hurting but which hurts less?

You’re in the very early stages of recovery after the affair. Your wife is trying to rugsweep, this isn’t acceptable. It say takes 3-5 years to recover, don’t underestimate the trauma you are going through. I suffered PTSD.

I suggest you read ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’, ‘not just friends’ and ‘cheating in a nutshell’ all these books will help you understand why you just can’t stop the mind movies and hyper vigilance you’re probably struggling with.

They will also help you understand the damage she may be doing when calling her affair ‘a mistake’ or dismissing you’re pain after just three months.

I’m three and a half years out, I have a remorseful husband, who doesn’t try to rugsweep, I stayed, I’m happy BUT I did it by reading. It’s perfectly possible to repair the broken you feel if you are both all in.

Knowledge is power. Honestly.

@Ladybug123

You’re in the very early stages of recovery after the affair. Your wife is trying to rugsweep, this isn’t acceptable. It say takes 3-5 years to recover, don’t underestimate the trauma you are going through. I suffered PTSD.

I suggest you read ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’, ‘not just friends’ and ‘cheating in a nutshell’ all these books will help you understand why you just can’t stop the mind movies and hyper vigilance you’re probably struggling with.

They will also help you understand the damage she may be doing when calling her affair ‘a mistake’ or dismissing you’re pain after just three months.

I’m three and a half years out, I have a remorseful husband, who doesn’t try to rugsweep, I stayed, I’m happy BUT I did it by reading. It’s perfectly possible to repair the broken you feel if you are both all in.

Knowledge is power. Honestly.

Thank you for your reply.

I really happy for you. I gives me hope to hear that people really do make it out the other side.

I believe my wife is remorseful. She has said she 100% understands how I must be feeling. She understands that all this is happening because of her actions. She has apologised many times. But I don't want an apology.

I do not have any other conversation with her apart from going over this every minute of the day. Am I doing wrong? Should I be stopping the questions and trying to move past it. She understands I will have to talk about it and that it wont be a case of never mentioning it again but she wants to have a normal conversation. I do see what she means. But I cant do it, not just yet.

I can see that she is changing. She said she isn't but she said this is all doing her head in all the questions every minute of the day. I may be pushing her away. I may be pushing her too far.

I dont want to loose her. But sometimes it feels like im the one in the wrong and its me begging her to stay and it should be the other way around

I have sent you a PM.

But just to say, what you are doing is 100% normal in the circumstances. The lens in which you view the world has been shattered. Your brain is traumatised and is trying to make sense of your new normal. Please do not question what you are doing as you try to make sense of it all.

If your wife wants to repair the damage she has done she really needs to understand what she has done to you. I really can’t recommend ‘how to help your spouse heal from your affair’ enough for her as well as you.

Also, cheaters are regretful and in damage control at first, they are very rarely remorseful and truly remorseful cheaters DO NOT try at any point shut their spouse up because it’s too much for them. I say this really gently but please don’t allow her to rugsweep this.

I'm so sorry op. Your wife quite frankly needs to put up with you digesting things how you need to.

I wasn't able to get over it because I just didn't trust him. And without trust there is no relationship in my eyes. But then, the only reason why I tried was because we had a young child. Not sure I would have even tried had we not.

Sorry to hear about the affair, after I found out my wife had been cheating I felt the same as you, and we limped along for a while, but I couldn’t get over it and we eventually split.

Good luck with whatever your choose,

Some excellent advice from other posters OP.

I’m afraid I cannot add anything other than to say that I divorced my husband when I found out about his affair and as tough as the first 18 months were, I just couldn’t have stayed knowing what he’d done. It was the absolute right decision for me.

I wish you all the best.

Could you go and get some individual counselling OP? Is the situation known amongst friends and family? I understand that many couples don't let people know but if she's the only person that knows about this bomb that's gone off in your life then who else can you talk to about it?
It sounds as if you need someone to help you say it all out loud without judgement. You might find a professional counsellor your best bet for this if you aren't confiding in people in 'real' as it were. All best to you.

I don’t agree with the others.

I know you are hurting and completely understand (been there). But you can’t keep questioning someone to that degree. It’s not healthy. The odd question would be ok but it seems to be consuming you.

You need to look forward and I would strongly suggest counselling.

@Loveabitofrain

I don’t agree with the others.

I know you are hurting and completely understand (been there). But you can’t keep questioning someone to that degree. It’s not healthy. The odd question would be ok but it seems to be consuming you.

You need to look forward and I would strongly suggest counselling.

Hi

Thanks for the reply.

I understand what you are saying as I have thought the same myself. Its not healthy to have no other conversation apart from the about the affair and all the questions.

The problem is I don't know how to stop. She is giving the answers but I don't believe the answers she is going to it goes around in circles. She says she cant tell me something if its not the truth and I don't believe what she is saying. The thing is I don't know if she would know the truth if it smacked her in the face after what she has done.

I have been paying for counselling privately as on the NSH there was a 18 month wait. I don't really find it helpful. The councillor seems to talk about themselves more that listen to my issues.

I want to stop with the questions to try and give us some sort of chance of moving on but I cant I have tried. Im not at that stage yet.

But I'm afraid that im pushing her away as she cant cope with this every day

You have to ask yourself if this is how you want your life to be, never trusting or believing her? Seriously consider what life would be like if you split up.

That's what I did. Realised it was much better to leave. It's hurts A LOT and takes time, but personally my life is so much better now. IMO a relationship is pointless without trust.

IMO and in reading the depressingly many accounts here, and all across the internet, the gratitude for you staying often turns to resentment of what you remind them (simply by existing) that they did, and then to contempt at you that you were so stupid and worthless enough to stay you're not, that's their warped thinking, so I would advise you to consider leaving.

There are few cheating situations where the above may not apply. Severe psychological trauma, the most appalling and unexpected bereavement, mental illness or a brain tumour could be limited examples of cheating without a low empathy pathology in play and therefore with the possibility of recovery (only if the doer is also remorseful), however it's usually down to ego and callousness, and little can be recovered from that wreckage.

You're in the very early days and how you're feeling is totally normal.

When it happened to me, we initially stayed together but I actually had to separate for a while to get my head together to see if it was really what I wanted and for me not to see him every day . It's such a traumatic event and one of the awful things is that it's still seen as shameful for all involved so that the innocent party often doesn't speak out or get the emotional support they need.

I'd say in total it took 18 months for me to heal, forgive and we got back together and I can genuinely say I never brought it up until 3 years later when I found out about his second affair.

Sorry to bring a negative story to the table but my exh literally spent the 18 months apologising for what he did, being open with me. Trying to make amends and he still went and did it again.

I don't think it bodes well for your wife to think you should move on with your emotions in these early stages.

You will feel better with time however, it's not always linear but ultimately you will come to a decision that's right for you.

People trying to accept cheating always makes me imagine a magician saying "and for my next trick, im going to swallow glass for 3 years"

In many cases it doesn't work out anyway.. so that was all in vain.

Your children would adjust to a new normal, to comparenting, if its them you're putting yourself in this position for.

You could have a new, decent relationship, u tainted by this, sooner or later. This board is chock full of lovely women who've marriages or partnerships have broken down through no fault of their own, and they'd murder for a decent man who doesn't cheat. And this forum is mirrored in real life in my experience. You'd be a hot commodity with plenty of choice.

The thing is, it's the ultimate expression of disrespect really - either they think you won't find out and they'll do it behind your back (zero respect, happy to deceive you and leg you continue to stick to riles of play they're no longer sticking to) or they consider the prospect or you finding out abd the relationship ship being over as a result, and on some level, in some part of their mind - they fundamentally accept that. They're willing to take that risk.

If they think there's no risk of you ending the relationship; even worse, they think you'll.take pretty much anything from them, including infidelity.

There's no loyalty or respect or integrity there.
Why do they deserve to keep what they value so little. If they say they value it, their actions are in conflict with their words.

The counselling is a good idea but you need someone who will listen and let you talk and get it all out. If you have someone who talks more than you do, there's something wrong.

She had an affair for a reason and if that isn't bottomed out she will stray again.

From experience, I was the strayer

Sorry about all the typos.

In summary, this is a form of masochism, there's something fundamentally out of kilter and always will be.

People have compared a marriage or partnership with infidelity to a glued back together vase. It's flawed.

@p12241342 It will take time patience and effort. Can I ask what questions you are always asking her?

Difficult one. 8 weeks is very early days. BUT constant questioning morning, noon and night is also not fair. I don't agree it's brushing it under the carpet at this stage.

I think you need to separate for a time and get some space to process. This must be torture for you both.

Do you think you can ever trust her again? If not, there isn't any hope I'm afraid.

Been there, totally get where you are coming from with the questions. I felt like I was grieving for the marriage I thought I had.

After I found out, I stalked his fuck buddy on line, I obsessed over how many times he was on his phone, and I asked him so many questions it was unreal. it was utterly miserable for both of us.

We started couples counselling and that made such a massive difference. She was amazing and really helped me to unpick my thoughts and feelings.

We have stayed together, I can’t control him cheating again, but I trust him, I have to.
If he chooses to do this again then at least I know I tried.
Best of luck with whatever you decide x

If you're not finding your counsellor helpful, get a different one. Not all counsellors are good, not all will be the right fit for you - look for someone else who you respect and feel comfortable with.

If you don't feel like you've had the truth from your partner, it is really hard to move on. Are there particular things that don't tally with her version of events, or is it you simply don't believe anything she says? If it's the first, there may be a way forward, if it's the latter you might as well give up.

Maybe it would be helpful for you to journal rather than endlessly go over the same ground with her - do something like agree you will talk about it if you need to for a set amount of time, and then you will either go and journal on your own or leave the subject alone for the rest of the day. While you deserve answers and reassurance, you both need to take breaks from the obsessive questioning.

I actually have been on both sides of the coin. I left my 1st husband two years after I had an affair because he wanted to stay together and yet constantly brought it up and did stuff like throw a brick through the other mans window— in second marriage I found out by chance about an emotional affair 10 years later (my H had written it all down and I found the stuff shoved away) I was a mess for about 6 weeks and he was reasonably patient but if I raised it after that I got comments like ‘how long do I have to wear the hair shirt’ — he seriously thought that being very sorry about it and the fact it was a long time ago meant it should be business as usual very quickly. He is embarrassed and sorry and we are still married but to be honest I’ve never felt 100% the same and I no longer have the 100% trust I had. I would split OP at least for a while to give yourself some space— whilst they are just ‘there’ you mentally keep churning it — I don’t think I had a decent nights sleep for at least a year— I should have insisted on 6 months apart

OP please talk to a therapist with experience in this kind of problem.

Mumsnet will always, always tell you to end a relationship. It’s a fun plase to read AIBU but Mumsnet isn’t a very good place to come for relationship advice if you want to salvage the relationship.

I’m four years in, I honestly still don’t know whether or not I made the right decision. It’s been a long, painful, consuming 4 years. If I didn’t have the children I would have gone like a shot. Last week I looked at how happy the children are, and was happy I’d stayed. But, it’s been at a huge personal, mental cost. I’m not the person I was.

If you have the strength and your children are old enough, please consider that you deserve more. You deserve kindness, love and at least basic human decency within a relationship.

It does gets better, slowly. Do take care of yourself.

You have received some very good advice here. Look at the surviving infidelity website, it's Americans mostly on it, but their advice in Just Found Out is excellent.

You are still in the very early days and all the questions and incessant repetition is how I was for about 4 months. Be kind to yourself and do not allow her to rugsweep. She needs to read and act upon 'how to help your spouse heal from your affair' Her impatience is a red flag that what you are seeing is regret and not remorse.

See a lawyer and check out what divorce would look like, get STD tested ( both of you). You may not want to separate but knowledge is freeing and helps to calm your rattling mind. Plan an exit even if you do not use it. I still have mine ready to go if things don't work out and I'm happy in my marriage now, it gives me security. I have boundaries and a plan if they are not respected.

It is possible to recover from infidelity, I'm 2.5 years out and I'm glad I stayed, I'm happy but our marriage will never be the same, I do not trust like I did but he stepped up and worked hard to make me feel safe. There was no rug sweeping and he was very patient.

So good luck to you, and take care. I second changing therapist. Mine helped me get unstuck but I saw her after about 8 months after discovery when I was still not making progress, find the right person for you.

@Loveabitofrain

I don’t agree with the others.

I know you are hurting and completely understand (been there). But you can’t keep questioning someone to that degree. It’s not healthy. The odd question would be ok but it seems to be consuming you.

You need to look forward and I would strongly suggest counselling.

I agree. I got cheated on in pretty horrendous circumstances, and while I obsessed over the other woman for a while I didn’t interrogate my partner all day every day for months on end. Op I don’t think there’s any chance of you getting passed this. What questions are you still asking for that you haven’t asked before?