Is staying after an affair just as bad as leaving?

[p12241342]

I recently found out 3 months ago that my wife has been having an affair for the past 2 months.

We have decided to stick together and try and get through this because we have been together for 20 years and have two children. She says she still loves me and it was a mistake. I love her just as much now as I always have.

But i'm finding it hard, very hard.....

It's all I ever think about, its all I ever talk about. Its like I'm obsessed.

To start with the first 8 weeks of discovery my wife was caring, understanding, loving and was really trying to me me feel wanted and that we could make this work.

However in the past 3 weeks or so things have gone down hill. We bicker all the time. She now is saying we cant do this very minute of every day. The questions have to stop. She has said that its doing her head in all the questions and that we don't talk about anything else. We at some point need to try and move past it. She understands that I will never forget and I do need to talk about it, but not every minute of the day. Even on texts when im not with her. The same questions the same conversations.

I do agree with her.

Its all I talk about from the time I get up to the time I go to bed. But I feel I have to talk about it. Its only been 3 months since discovery day. She says she understands that im hurting she understands that I need to talk about it but not all the time.

She said I'm rubbing her face in it, even though she has said she has said sorry many times. She has admitted it is the worst mistake of her life. Im not rubbing her face in it and I don't want an apology.

Every day I wake up and just worry what she is doing, who she is texting and if she is still in contact with this guy. Im living a nightmare.

My question is.......Does it get better as this must be early days for me isn't it?

Is it as much heart ache staying and putting myself through this every day or is it easier to leave.

Either way I'm hurting but which hurts less?

(I believe my wife is remorseful. She has said she 100% understands how I must be feeling. She understands that all this is happening because of her actions. She has apologised many times. But I don't want an apology.)
How can she 100% know how you must be feeling? She's not the one that feels totally emasculated, she's not the one sat there wondering what the sex was like with another man, where they did it, how they did it. The sad thing is you know all to well what they did because of the intimacy that you once shared. She's not the one torturing herself with images of the person you love being satisfied and loved by someone else.
It's a living walking talking fucking shit ride of a nightmare that you can't switch off.
She hasn't got a clue and it's the kind of pain you would only wish on your worst enemy.
How bloody insulting to even suggest that.
I know what your going through, had it with my first wife and 30 years on I can still remember that awful time.
If I had my time again I wish I'd never gone back with her as it all came to an end years later. Nothing will ever be the same again, always tainted and soiled. I honestly don't know how anyone recovers and salvage's their relationship after an affair but some do...
I wish you well and hope you can eventually find some peace. You will but the old clique of time heals plays a major part.

I agree with @Marineboy67 . There is no way that she knows how you feel . At 8 weeks I was still banging my head against a wall to stop thinking about it . Only ADs help me get some focus in life . I gave him a chance and he shat all over me again . It's just horrible being on the receiving end .

She needs to read 'how to help your spouse heal after your affair' get it on Amazon.

She needs to understand that it's her job to fix things.
She takes responsibility
She answers all your questions
She has no right to get defensive, upset or cross about the way you feel.

It can get better.
My marriage is in a stronger place 2years after discovery than it was before. The affair was 'historic' but a double betrayal as with a family friend.

My DH read the book and did everything he could to Make me feel safe, loved, valued and wanted. He worked very hard to put us back together. It wasn't always easy. I still have my moments but he is very quick to notice and sometimes sees triggers before I do.

It would take a hell of a person to be able reassure their partner after they have betrayed them.

No one can tell you op if you are strong enough to forgive but the one thing we can tell you is there is no avoidance of pain whether you stay together or separate.

I wish you all the best.

Different people react in different ways - some people just can’t get over it.

While what you are doing is completely understandable, it’s not healthy for you.

Maybe you should consider a temporary separation to create some distance and while you work out what you want/can bear.

@Skysblue

OP please talk to a therapist with experience in this kind of problem.

Mumsnet will always, always tell you to end a relationship. It’s a fun plase to read AIBU but Mumsnet isn’t a very good place to come for relationship advice if you want to salvage the relationship.

Ain’t this the truth, this is ABSOLUTELY the wrong place for wanting advice on healing a marriage after infidelity.

T/j to anyone lost as well as the OP, It is entirely possible to trust again after infidelity, the trust is just not as naive and innocent as it was before and for me, that has not been a bad thing. You can heal your marriage but you do need the RIGHT advice and you both need to be all in, with a REMORSEFUL not regretful spouse or one in damage control.

The steps laid out in the book ‘how to help your spouse heal from you affair’ are concise, clear and well researched. The Surviving infidelity website and affair recovery on YouTube are excellent resources.

Each to their own as to whether you can reconcile after cheating or not (I totally support either) BUT you do have a choice and please don’t feel shame, embarrassment or guilt for wanting to stay.

I believe that wanting to stay by the cheating spouse is am immediate , panic and automatic reaction to discovery and the thought of leaving their family . However I also believe that the day to day trauma takes its toll and the cheater has no idea of the impact on their partner often saying that it's been long enough , it's time to forgive etc . During this time they are also feeling the loss of their affair partner and the addiction that they had . It's a fucking horrible mess.

The Surviving infidelity website

This phrase always makes me think "should you really have to survive something someone who's supposed to love you has done to you?"

I believe that wanting to stay by the cheating spouse is am immediate , panic and automatic reaction to discovery and the thought of leaving their family.

100%.

It's not necessarily the true, longer term, or correct things to do. There are an awful lot of people on here who left later; they just had to go through the phases.

My previous wife cheated
Lied so much, accused me of cheating which I wasn’t tried hard to have me on the back foot in so many ways.
I eventually found solid, undeniable evidence for me there was no going back, we were living in my house and no children.
I have her a few weeks to find somewhere else to live as I knew I would never trust a word she said again, I just could not live like that.
Now remarried and life is amazing

@WhiskeyGalore212

The Surviving infidelity website

This phrase always makes me think "should you really have to survive something someone who's supposed to love you has done to you?"

The site doesn’t push reconciliation or divorce, there are threads for both, advice given for both.

It champions recovery and healing after infidelity whether or not you choose to stay.

It counters a number of misconceptions and old fashioned views around infidelity that I see on here ALL THE TIME. It helps the betrayed to survive what has been done to them, heal and move forward. That’s got to be a good thing right?!

Well she doesn't understand 100% how you feel. If she did she wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

It needs to be talked about but not continuously and trust is quick to go, but very hard to recover.

I think you need to put aside an hour or so a week to discuss how insecure you feel and have a structure for talking about it. Outside those times concentrate in normal life.

Personally it would be the end for many people and even if not immediate it often doesn't work out.

The thing is, you have not decided to take her back. Because you have not forgiven her yet (which is perfectly acceptable btw). You might still be living together and saying you are together but...its just empty words when theres a big massive emotional wall between you.

Now I'm definately not saying you are wrong to be hurt and to struggle to forgive. But the thing is, you should have taken the time, separated from her where the lines of communication were left open but you were not together physically or even perhaps, in a relationship sense.

So that you could both work through your individual issues and come to terms with yourselves, what you each needed and if you wanted to remain in the relationship. Without the other persons feeling clouding your own.

Right now, neither of you are healthy for one another. And you are fast becoming the toxic element. Because she is bot getting the space to process her mistakes and what they could have done and as such, will only start to resent you for staying and bringing them up.

@WatieKatie

Some excellent advice from other posters OP.

I’m afraid I cannot add anything other than to say that I divorced my husband when I found out about his affair and as tough as the first 18 months were, I just couldn’t have stayed knowing what he’d done. It was the absolute right decision for me.

I wish you all the best.

Same here.

It broke my heart that my marriage ended but I knew that pain would fade, whereas a life and marriage of doubt and mistrust would last forever.

I felt I deserved more that he did I guess.

*than

[quote Goldsnow]@p12241342 It will take time patience and effort. Can I ask what questions you are always asking her?[/quote]
Hi.

The questions I have been asking here are

Does she still love him
Does she still think about him
Does she miss him

How she could have done this to me. How could she choose him and her over me and her.

Was there a plan or an end game to leave me.

Things like that really, but the first three listed more than anything..

I really asked her every day for the past 3 months every minute of the day morning day and night

I believe my wife is remorseful. She has said she 100% understands how I must be feeling. She understands that all this is happening because of her actions. She has apologised many times. But I don't want an apology.

I think the person who had the affair rarely understands just how devastating it is, or if they do know, they often try minimise it so they don't have to deal with the guilt.
In my case, I tried to stay and work it out but he ended up having another affair and the marriage ended. It's taken me years to get to the point where I think I could trust someone again.
And that's what it's about really. It's all about trust in the end. Your wife has lied to you about something enormous that she knew would deeply hurt you if you found out.
So now, when she apologises and answers your questions, you no longer have that base of trust in her that you used to so it's hard for you to automatically believe she's being honest now.
The trust needs to be rebuilt before you can even start to move on.
But here's the thing. You're going to therapy. You're asking questions about it.
If your marriage is going to survive, that alone isn't going to work. Rebuilding trust can't be one-sided.
She needs to put the work in too. She needs to be the one reading infidelity books about how to support you, and going to therapy, and actively working out how she can rebuild your trust.
Just saying 'sorry' and expecting you to move on in a few months isn't going to do that.
It takes two to make a marriage work.

Sorry you're going through a trauma, you won't be over it for a long time yet. It might be a good idea to separate temporarily so you can have space from each other and arrange couples counselling or a time once a week where you sit down and talk about it. You are going through the stages of grief, first comes shock and denial and then bargaining. Asking loads of questions is like bargaining because you are trying to get an awnser that will change reality or make it understandable for you. The process will take as long as it takes and your wife just has to be patient. Ultimately, as well as forgiving the cheating and rebuilding trust you will also have to decide if you can forgive someone who has caused you to feel this much grief and trauma. Its ok if this is what you want to do and its also ok if you can't do it. Again, sorry this has happened.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. It happened to me too - last Summer I discovered, quite accidentally, that my soon-to-be-ex-husband had not just one, but two mistresses on the go! It was quite the shocker.

As soon as the shock wore off a little, I just felt a cold resolve that the marriage was over, he needed to leave the house asap and that we would continue to be as amicable as possible purely for the sake of DC. And that's exactly what happened.

He hurt me so much that it immediately killed any love for him. He said that I would never forgive him and he's right. He's a sorry excuse for a human being.

There was no way I could have tried to stay in the marriage because I would never (and will never) trust him again. I can't live with someone I don't trust, don't like and no longer love. It would have been me being upset, tying myself up in knots, torturing myself and constantly fretting over where he was and what he was doing. And it would have all been pointless anyway, because I'm never have felt the same way about him again. He killed our marriage stone dead the very first time he cheated, so it had been dead for a good while - I just hadn't known. And it wasn't about me, it wasn't my fault - it was all about him and his ego and sad little insecurities.

Your wife doesn't know how you feel. And she is 'sorry' - sorry that she got caught and now, as a result, her life is less comfortable because you're so hurt. That's not real regret. She wants you to stop talking about it because she feels like you should be 'over it' by now. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Truthfully, my advice is leave - or better still, make her leave. Start a new life without all of the misery and torture. It's just not worth ripping yourself apart emotionally for people who have proven they lie as easily as drawing breath. How will you ever trust a word she says?

Twelve months on from my separation I've a wonderful new partner who loves me like I've never known and I feel better and happier than I have for many years. So there is life out there for you, after this.

I forgave because we were young and I thought it was a stupid immature mistake. Then it happened again and again and I kept forgiving because the more time I'd sunk into the relationship, the more I had to lose. I completely lost myself over those many years and constantly lived on edge waiting for it to happen again. Then he did it when our daughter was a few months old and I realised the only way I could make sure he never cheated on me again was to leave. So I did, and I've not looked back since. I'm so much lighter and happier. I didn't even realise how much it was crippling me until I was free from it. And it only took days for that transformation to start. I'm a completely different person now, it's incredible. I don't know what I was so terrified of for all those years.

Hi OP. I really think you need find out why she had an affair in the first place. Anyone I know who’s been unfaithful didn’t do it “just because” there were always reasons for it, whether that be an unhappy marriage, mental health problems, bereavement etc. Some people cheat for the sake of cheating but the vast majority are doing it as they are in pain/distress over something else going on in their lives. That is not a “get out clause” for your wife but I think it would be more productive to focus on the “why” and you can build from there. I wish you well OP

There's quite a lot here to address. You are under no obligation to forgive and move on. Only you can decide if you want to and are able to. If you decide you can't , she could not blame you.

If you want to try to move forward you need to commit to working on that.

Asking the same questions over and over is not healthy for anyone. Is she really going to answer differently? Do you even care what the answer is at this point?

I am not belittling what you are going through. An affair is huge and a big thing to overcome if you even can. But this has to be constructive.

If her response is frustration at being asked the same questions and she's giving the same answers that isn't someone who isn't taking it seriously or isn't sorry. It doesn't mean you need to leave her. It means you need to find a constructive way to deal with things (both of you, not just you).

My suggestions (for what they are worth):

• find a new and better therapist - this is a good step to take but the current one is clearly not the right one for you. Counselling will not necessarily fix things but it will help you get clarity.
• really think about what you are gaining from the questions - is it making you feel any better or is it becoming obsession/automatic? Think about what would be more useful to you.
• decide if you truly want to try to sort it - if so, find a better strategy
• get to the bottom of what went wrong to start the affair (not saying this is down to you in any way but these things usually happen because of some underlying issue, not in a happy marriage)

I wish you all the best and hope you can find a way to the right answer for you!

Was it an emotional or physical affair - or both?

Troubling that you are asking “does she still love him” - did she tell her AP that she loved him ? If yes - what suddenly changed ?

Maybe the reason you are still ask these questions is because her answers don’t make sense.

Concentrate on yourself - she was selfish - now it’s your turn. Create some space - stop worrying about what she felt or still feels. Do things you want to do - yes, easier said than done

I think you should split up. You’re just torturing both of you and there is no point in repeated questions if you’re not going to trust the replies. And I think you’re doing a really good job of highlighting how broken the relationship already is.

Hello OP,
I have been exactly where you are and know how awful and painful it is. You just want the other person to say one thing THE thing which will suddenly make sense, suddenly give you peace because NOW you understand.
However, whatever they say you just have more questions because the truth is they cannot answer this satisfactorily for you. If they say “i just fell in love with this man” you want to ask why. Is he better than me? Why? How could you? Etc etc

If they say “the man meant nothing to me it was just pure lust” then you will ask ‘how could you do this for something that wasnt even love?’ It is just relentless. You are very hurt. You need to get over that.
It’s just over 2 years since my husband had an affair with a family friend. We are trying to stay together. The only improvement for me is that i no longer ask him the questions. Sometimes i want to but i know it’s not worth it because he will either be hurt (victim mode), angry, or lie. Sometimes i am happy but my marriage is not the same as it was.
You need a therapist to vent to. And you need some space. And you need to know that this is not your fault. It is actually not to do with you. It is the action of 2 foolish, pathetic people having a mills and boon moment.
When i realised i was of course only hearing my Dh side of things anyway, it helped me to see it was pointless to question him. He couldn’t ever tell me the full truth of it.
Try and be strong. It will improve honestly. Find a good therapist