Is staying after an affair just as bad as leaving?

[p12241342]

I recently found out 3 months ago that my wife has been having an affair for the past 2 months.

We have decided to stick together and try and get through this because we have been together for 20 years and have two children. She says she still loves me and it was a mistake. I love her just as much now as I always have.

But i'm finding it hard, very hard.....

It's all I ever think about, its all I ever talk about. Its like I'm obsessed.

To start with the first 8 weeks of discovery my wife was caring, understanding, loving and was really trying to me me feel wanted and that we could make this work.

However in the past 3 weeks or so things have gone down hill. We bicker all the time. She now is saying we cant do this very minute of every day. The questions have to stop. She has said that its doing her head in all the questions and that we don't talk about anything else. We at some point need to try and move past it. She understands that I will never forget and I do need to talk about it, but not every minute of the day. Even on texts when im not with her. The same questions the same conversations.

I do agree with her.

Its all I talk about from the time I get up to the time I go to bed. But I feel I have to talk about it. Its only been 3 months since discovery day. She says she understands that im hurting she understands that I need to talk about it but not all the time.

She said I'm rubbing her face in it, even though she has said she has said sorry many times. She has admitted it is the worst mistake of her life. Im not rubbing her face in it and I don't want an apology.

Every day I wake up and just worry what she is doing, who she is texting and if she is still in contact with this guy. Im living a nightmare.

My question is.......Does it get better as this must be early days for me isn't it?

Is it as much heart ache staying and putting myself through this every day or is it easier to leave.

Either way I'm hurting but which hurts less?

I think it’s entirely possible to see cheating in a black and white way, as an abusive series of action that is morally wrong, whilst understanding that people are human. But the fact is we all have hard times, we all wrestle with ourselves, but not all of us make a choice to deal with our pain by passing pain onto our spouse, children, extended family and in a lot of cases other people’s spouses and families.

Passing pain on is not acceptable.

And as for the constant narrative that ‘unhappy relationships’ cause cheating. This is absolute nonsense. I know of many affairs where the cheat categorically stated that their marriage was good. They were happy. In fact there is a study that found 50% of affairs occurred in marriages that the cheat considered good or very good. It’s pure victim blaming but it’s also people believing their marriage will be safe if they do a,b,c or x,y,z.

We can’t control another persons actions. Cheating happens in happy marriages. This is a fact.

No one forces a cheat to cheat. They have so many alternatives to their issues, but they choose the most destructive one.

Sorry posted on wrong thread! Doh!

Hope you’re ok OP btw!

Hi, it is possible to make it work. It's hard but you can if you both truly want to. Some say it's harder to stay.

I found out a Yr ago my husband had had an affair off and in for over 2 yrs. I had an inkling anyway but he did the classic gaslighting and denial. We've been together 29 yrs and hv 3 teenagers. I decided to stay, I still love him, this has never happened before, so he has one chance. I've told him anymore contact and it's divorce. He knows I mean it.

From my experience, your wife has to understand that you NEED to talk it out. I made it clear to my husband that my need to talk it through and get answers wasn't to make him feel guilty (thats not going to help rebuild our marriage) but so I could 'vent' if you like and explain how deep the hurt goes, which I'm sure you get! If you don't say to her what you feel you need to, resentment will build up. She needs to understand that once you get the answers and reasons you feel you need and make some new ground rules, then you can start to move past it. The trust takes time to come back but for me, I'm gradually getting there

One Yr on I still hurt like crazy. Certain things trigger those horrible feelings but I'm learning to control the anxiety those triggers bring. Now and then I make little snide comments but he now understands why and is making a huge effort with our relationship. I feel we are back on the same page and that there is light at the end of the tunnel at last. We'll, never have our old marriage again but we can build a new one!

If she truly loves and values you she will let you talk and talk if that's what you need.
Please private message if you need to talk, I really do know how you are feeling!

I found out that my husband had been having an affair for 2 years. With my "best friend". I stayed for several years because we had two young children, but it was never the same after that. Like you I wanted to know all the why's and wherefore's , but no answers were ever enough. I felt so betrayed by both of them.

I ended up leaving which was the best thing for my sanity. I've been much happier since - though it still hurts when I think about it (like now !) It's been 18 years and I still hate what he did to me ( and what she did to me too ).

Best wishes to you.

I'm up this late because just as we are going away for a nice midweek stay at the seaside, I have again thought that he is texting his ex upstairs while saying he's in the loo. Reasons why? He saw her behind my back for 12 months. He won't leave his phone unattended now. He sometimes cannot be contacted and goes Offline on WhatsApp.
These are all triggers that set me off again and now I can't sleep and wanting to call him out but this will spoil our day out tomorrow.
You will have to live like this if you want it to work
Good luck

@NoNotYou

I'm up this late because just as we are going away for a nice midweek stay at the seaside, I have again thought that he is texting his ex upstairs while saying he's in the loo. Reasons why? He saw her behind my back for 12 months. He won't leave his phone unattended now. He sometimes cannot be contacted and goes Offline on WhatsApp. These are all triggers that set me off again and now I can't sleep and wanting to call him out but this will spoil our day out tomorrow. You will have to live like this if you want it to work Good luck

Time to quit, don't you think?

@NoNotYou

I'm up this late because just as we are going away for a nice midweek stay at the seaside, I have again thought that he is texting his ex upstairs while saying he's in the loo. Reasons why? He saw her behind my back for 12 months. He won't leave his phone unattended now. He sometimes cannot be contacted and goes Offline on WhatsApp. These are all triggers that set me off again and now I can't sleep and wanting to call him out but this will spoil our day out tomorrow. You will have to live like this if you want it to work Good luck

No you don’t have to live like that. Not if you’re with a truly remorseful spouse.

Your husband isn’t remorseful, if he was remorseful you’d have no sneaking around on phones, no unexplained uncontactable time periods, no dodgy WhatsApp behaviour. He would be ensuring you felt safe. This man is not.

Repairing a marriage after an affair is entirely possible if you are all in BUT it involves a lot of steps from the chest.

Your husband is still actively displaying red flags. I really would be drawing a line in the sand if I were you and speaking to a lawyer. No one should have to live feeling so fearful and hyper vigilant. Please take care of yourself.

it depends on your own feelings about such things. When I was married (I'm a woman) I wouldn't have been bothered about the odd affair because I don't think people are naturally monogamous. Sure I wouldn't be thrilled about it but it wouldn't be a deal breaker in the long term scheme of things.
What did bust my marriage in the end was his laziness, selfishness and misogyny. That I could not tolerate so we got diorced.

Oh thank you guys! It means a lot. I can't tell family, but we do not live together now anyway. I'm away tonight and back tomorrow so I don't want to miss a holiday as such. I know this seems odd but I just need a break from work. I'll suggest he puts his phone away and be present when it goes on again I guess

@NoNotYou

Oh thank you guys! It means a lot. I can't tell family, but we do not live together now anyway. I'm away tonight and back tomorrow so I don't want to miss a holiday as such. I know this seems odd but I just need a break from work. I'll suggest he puts his phone away and be present when it goes on again I guess

I think that’s a really good idea.

I know this is hard but try to emotionally disconnect from him a little, I don’t mean be offish or rude but just protect your heart.

You need to heal, and the hyper vigilance and anxiety is tough to deal with.

I have been where you are and it was only when I really drew lines in the sand and was prepared to divorce that he stepped up.

Have a lovely mini break!

Thank you @Ladybug123
Will update later

Well things have taken a turn for the worst with me.

She now tells me after months of denying her feelings for him she is telling me that she does now how feelings for him, she misses him and she thinks about him.

Its been three months of no contact and her trying to make things right with me. Shouldn't these feelings started to have subside by now.

She says she loves me but how can I share her feelings for another man.

Im really trying to make this work as I don't want to loose her but how can I be with her or how she expect me to come home to her every night when she has feelings for another man.

She says the feelings arent love and they are just how he made her feel but how can I really do this if she hasn't got over it in the last 3 months will she act on her feelings and contact him again

She might just have been afraid to admit it before, and now feel more comfortable about opening up and being honest.

Even if she is reporting it to you 100% accurately, I don't think you can just imagine it as her feelings gradually but steadily going away. It's pretty normal to miss someone more when you haven't seen them in a few months - not immediately after they have gone. I'd expect it to be more of a bell curve.

(A bell curve with big wobbles in it depending on how she's feeling that say, whether or not she's been reminded of him, how she is getting on with you...)

@ravenmum

She might just have been afraid to admit it before, and now feel more comfortable about opening up and being honest.

Even if she is reporting it to you 100% accurately, I don't think you can just imagine it as her feelings gradually but steadily going away. It's pretty normal to miss someone more when you haven't seen them in a few months - not immediately after they have gone. I'd expect it to be more of a bell curve.

I see what your saying

I agree it would be silly of me to think that she doesnt miss him at all after what they shared but I can sort of handle her saying she misses him but its the fact that she is saying she has feelings for him ....

Feelings to me seem to think love.

hm, there's love and there's love.
I broke up with my cheating exh and the first relationship I had afterwards was very casual but really fun. I knew it wasn't the real thing, but after the misery with my ex, it was lovely to act like teenagers, sending stupid texts etc. I thought he was great-looking, loved the attention. He had a beard - suddenly I loved beards. He took me to his favourite seaside resort - I was really into that.
Now I look back on that and don't find him, the beard or the seaside resort that attractive at all. Can't remember what I thought was so great about him. It was just lust and fun feeling like a teenager.

But if you've had enough, mate, you've had enough, whatever her real feelings are.

@ravenmum

hm, there's love and there's love. I broke up with my cheating exh and the first relationship I had afterwards was very casual but really fun. I knew it wasn't the real thing, but after the misery with my ex, it was lovely to act like teenagers, sending stupid texts etc. I thought he was great-looking, loved the attention. He had a beard - suddenly I loved beards. He took me to his favourite seaside resort - I was really into that. Now I look back on that and don't find him, the beard or the seaside resort that attractive at all. Can't remember what I thought was so great about him. It was just lust and fun feeling like a teenager.

But if you've had enough, mate, you've had enough, whatever her real feelings are.

Thanks for your input...

I wouldn't say I have had enough I just dont know how much more she expects me to take.

I dont want to leave her because she does say she loves me and wants us and our family to work. But she says its hard really hard.

I dont want cut off my nose to spite my face when I want to be with her and I love her. But how do I live knowing she has feelings for another man.

Are feelings love ? who's knows she says no. But she does think of him and misses what they had and how he makes her feel.

When will these feelings go and when will she start respecting me and our family and our relationship and start to make things work.

Could you say "Thanks for letting me know, but please don't volunteer any more information"?!
Might it be that if she says nothing, you'll think she is thinking about him and is hiding it; if she says she's not thinking of him, you'll think she is and is lying, and if she says she is, you'll know she is. Not sure what is better?

How did this work out Op?

@Eesha

We are still together.

Its now been 14 months post DDay.

Things are much better. But its still hard at times. When I say hard, its a completely different feeling to what I had 14 months ago.

When the affair come out, I had all the different emotions to deal with. I had the lies the deceit and I was morning the loss of someone I knew for so long and respected.

As you can see from all my previous posts, she broke my heart.

Fast forward 14 months to now and things are better, but they are still sort of broken.

We now communicate, spend time together and have time for each other. In that respect things are good.

All contact has been cut with the AP which was done pretty much straight away of the affair being discovered. We have had some hard times and some very hard times.

I use to constantly talk about the affair and have lost of questions every single day. This went on for about a year, but that has cut back a lot. I still talk about the affair at least once per week, but not for long and my wife is always willing to answer my questions and talk to help me feel better.

Is she telling me the whole truth? I really don't know. I may never know.

I try not to think about that. Im sure there are things she is keeping from me or things she hasn't being completely honest about. But I try to not to dwell on that too much. Im not rug sweeping. I'm just thinking that I have had her version of the truth and now I have decided to stay and live with that. I will never get over it, but I will get through it.

One thing I will say is, my feelings have changed. I still love her, but its like there is a big brick wall between us. There is a massive hole in our relationship and it feels like something is missing.

Do I trust her. Sort of.

You may find that strange, but its a feeling of hope, rather than trust. She has seen how her choices have affected me, our children, our family and herself over the past year and she says she would never put any of us through that again. I hope she is telling the truth.

Im more paranoid these days. Its a feeling of not being enough and not bringing enough to our relationship. I feel like she wanted more than I could give and she went and got it.

There are times when we are out and about or even sitting on the sofa watching the TV and I think is she bored. Would she rather be with him. This must be so boring compared to her affair. Is she thinking about him, is she missing him?

We went through the hysterical bonding stage and come out the other side. But we are still very close, intimate and we are building that bond. Every day we are close and thats down to us, not hysterical bonding.

Things are OK, things are much better. But things will never be as they use to be and things will never be the same again. Thats sad when I really think about that.

We now have a new relationship. Is it better than the old one. NO. But the old one was broken or she wouldn't have has an affair.

We went through IC and it helped.

But what really held us together, was the person the broke us apart.

My wife stuck to her word. Ended the affair and fixed what she had broken. Every day she continues to put in the work and make me feel loved and wanted. With out her doing that, we wouldn't be where we are today.

We still have a long way togo. But for anyone thats followed my story over the past 14 months and are going through their own hell. Let me tell you things do get better and no matter how bad things are they can be fixed. You need to put in the work and never give up.

If you want something so badly, put in the work.

One thing I have learnt from all this and something I will never forget, is that, a relationship needs to be worked at.

The grass will always be greener where ever you water it.

I hope my story inspires someone thats having a hard time with infidelity at the moment.

If you are..... Good luck, your going to need it!

But never give up!

Some people say leave. Once a cheater always a cheater, some people say stay. But do whatever you feel is right. Don't presume your relationship is over if someone you love cheats. I thought i had lost everything, but a year and a bit out and things are good.

We continue to work every day at being a better couple. We aren't 100% there yet and may be, we never will be. But we are together, we are still a family and there is hope.

Op, I read your story with interest and I'm happy for you that it worked out. My story is different in that my recent partner went back to his wife. We didn't have an affair etc and had met after they split. But we hadn't dated long so I was OK with it. His wife actually left him for her affair partner (also married) but when that got found out, he went back to his wife. My partners wide then wanted him back. He's always said no and couldn't forgive her for actually leaving him rather than it just being a fleeting affair. However she has begged for him back, says they should give it a go after their mistakes but mainly if he doesn't, then she will move away and fight through the courts for full custody. He's now going back via the counselling and mediation route despite family and friends saying its the wrong decision. I often wonder whether it will work out for them hence i posted on your thread. Do you think your relationship would have survived in a similar situation, if she had left you for her affair partner. I know my ex used to believe that had that worked out, she wouldn't have given him a second thought, and he always had the feeling of being second best.

I don’t agree, there is only so many times you can keep answering the same questions and having the same conversations. Of course I understand where your coming from but you seem to have become obsessive about the question asking in a habit way rather than asking because you want to know. You just want to keep asking, like a habit rather than dealing with it.

@Fabswingers

I see what your saying and do agree that its probably more of a habit now.

I have stood back and thought that may be its not a habit, but more the fact that I need reassurance. I do have OCD, which I think will not help the situation.

However, there have been times when I can go days with out bringing it up. Buts its like I go in a cycle. I get overwhelmed with the questions and thoughts. We discus it, I then calm down, until the next time.