7 months post baby - surely we should be sorted by now??

[weeonion]

dd is now 7 months but dp and I seem to be at loggerheads. mostly my fault i guess - i seem to pick at everything we do. he never has a great memory at the best of times but it is now driving me mad. we seem to spend our days and nights either disagreeing, arguing, sulking or in seperate rooms. sometimes i cant even bear to look at him and have thought maybe this is the beginning of the end.

i read on another thread that it can take up to 9 months to settle into a new dynamic after the arrival of pfb. oh god i hope so as this cant really get much worse.

what did the rest of you find it like??

We did OK considering the circumstances (other stuff, not just PFB), but at 7 months DD was still nowhere near sleeping through the night, I was having lots of problems with my scar so sex was completely off the agenda and we weren't really having much fun. 7 months is still very early days, in my book.
To be honest, I lost count of the number of times that we said to each other "I'm not grumpy with you, I'm still your friend, I'm just Very Tired".

God, I was ready to kill my DP most days right up until DS's 1st birthday. We're only just settling into it, and there's still some days we hate each other.

I think it's fairly normal and if people were more honest about it, everyone would stress less.

The whole of the First year was a bit like this for us. In the end we had a big blow up row which ended in us both very upset, we agreed to be a bit nicer to each other in general. It sounds a bit lame I know but we had just stopped thinking of each other before one of us spoke/did something. i.e I would snap at him for things he has always done but because I am a lot less tollerent now he would get a nasty comment about it. I started by taking a deep breath and doing the counting thing! I also tell him how I feel about things now, as he says - he is not phsycic (sp?)
We have also made an effort to spend time together. And being back at work 2 days a week has actually made me less harrassed as I get a bit of Adult interaction. I just come home and moan about them and feel much better

weeonion i think what you should do is get your dd bathed and put to bed and sit down and have a good talk maybe a drink and a nice meal, try and remember what it was like before dd etc..
As having a lo around can be very tireing in itself and does get you stressed out!
I think that maybe your both tired and im guessing you feel like you would be better off without him, but if you are thinking that please try and picture a life without him by your side. If you cant sit and talk and have a good night then maybe a short break could do you good?

We've not been great this year. Money worries and space issues mainly, but I've found it hard to adjust and sometimes feel that dh hasn't really had to change his life at all.

We've had lots of "conversations" about it.. things have changed a little bit but I don't think he really gets how insecure I feel about our future, especially now I'm working part time - I'm so used to looking after myself. I've had the same thoughts about it being the end when I'm lying worrying and stewing about things in the middle of the night but in my heart I don't mean it.

I find that I'm guilty of not saying when I'm annoyed though, and then it all comes out after the fact over something tiny. We work best when I'm upfront about what I need him to do.

The tiredness it the killer though, and that does get better. How are you fixed for babysitters? We've only been out together as a couple 3 times in the last 12 months and that's hard (those 3 times were all great!). Thing is, there are people who would babysit ds but we just don't get round to organising anything. I also need to stop mnetting so much in the evenings when dh is actually here and not on a late shift

I think dh & I both see that we need to start making an effort which hopefully will help. He also came out and asked when I was stopping bf last night which I think is symptomatic of something...don't know how I feel about it though.

I found this quite helpful.

We almost split up when DS was about 6 months old, and it probably wasn't until he was about 18 mths old that we really started to get back to normal - and that was with some counselling and a lot of effort. DS is 3 now and we are super loved up and as happy as larry most of the time. New parenthood is bloody hard and it takes a different amount of time to adjust to it for each couple. You have my sympathies.

thank you folks. i guess i never factored this all in to becoming a parent. i think at times it is hard not to lose sight of the fact that the reason we had dd was that we loved each other. we dont have any family around to help out so it feels a bit like a pressure cooker at times.

I have to say things got a lot better between DH and I when I went back to work. When I was at home it felt as if the dynamics had totally changed although DH is a totally reasonable bloke and willing to do what he perceives as being his fair share, clearly I was the expert in all rookiebaby related matters, plus sometimes he was the only adult I would see all day so felt the need to off load all my frustrations on to him.

This isn't some WOHM rant really, I think for me I just had more personal worth when I had an additional role as well as MUM and it also meant I had more to talk about oh and plus DH now has more of a say in what happens with DS because we are both now clueless and the childminder is the expert.

Can you make some time just for you, maybe go to a gym class or develop a hobby ?

weeonion - it will get better, coming from someone whos just hit the 10month stage and we are coming out the other side slowly the last 9 months has been hell though

It will get better but it will never be what it was before.

I can't really compare because dh is chronically ill and disabled - I don't say that in a "surely your relationship is easier than mine" way, what I'm saying is we don't have the usual dynamic in that he is too unwell to be a participant, if you know what I mean. That's another ballgame.

There's no magic date by which things should have returned to normal, everyone is different. Don't feel you have a deadline, you need to work it through at your own pace. But you are not alone, trust me.

My kids are 4 and 3 and its been hell. Just seeing light at end of tunnel ie, youngest going to nursery courtesy of nursery education grant!!

Don't underestimate the impact of sheer physical tiredness, which makes everyone short-tempered and not entirely reasonable. ONce your LO is sleeping in longer stretches on a regular basis, things start to improve. Also, try to take turns at scheduling breaks for each of you individually, to read the paper, go to the cinema, have a meal in peace or whatever. It's easier to schedule in 'couple' time if you have 'self' time, otherwise (particularly for a new mum) 'couple' time can feel like just one more demand on you.

took us a year to settle. you're more than halfway, and the second half is way easier than the first half!

I second Bohemian's suggestion. Even if only one of you reads it (wonder who that was in our house.....!) I still think it's worth it.

About 9 to 9 1/2 months I could see light at the end of the tunnel (cheered me up no end). I found it really difficult to adjust. Fell pg again when ds1 was 2 1/2 and we both wondered why we were wrecking our lives by going for a second!

When I was pregnant with DS1, my sister said that if your relationship can weather a year post-baby, it can weather anything.
Sleep definitely makes a difference, but also getting used to your new responsibilities. eg. I used to work and go out with friends etc. Had to give up work as it was a long long commute away. So I suddenly didn't have my money, once maternity pay ran out, and couldn't afford anything for myself. DH hated the responsibility of providing for us and spent much time reminding me of his big sacrifice.
That's still an issue for him, even though I got a part-time job, but as your child gets older you can also bond over his/her development and enjoy being parents and share being part of the child's quirky ways.

weeonion We've just scraped by and reached 1yr post baby. But things are not great so am investing in some Relate sessions - we've already had a 'taster' session and I think they will do us the world of good. My DP is a bit useless at times which doesn't help. I really think men have such a shock after birth as a lot of them don't have a clue about running a household and a family, my DP doesn't know about changing the loo roll or chucking stuff in the washing machine. As a result one narky girlfriend as I am doing everything!

meglet - hi there. glad to hear that you think you wll get benefit out of soem support. hope it all works out.

met up with some other april mums today, compared some dp/dh notes and seems i am not alone in the frustrated/narky/ fed up stakes. actually made me feel better - as did some of the posts here.

i guess head down, get on with it along with some talking and a bit of patience thrown in so we can see what happens in the next short while. x