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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My gut is telling me something is off

71 replies

Wannabegreenfingers · 09/08/2021 20:39

After a horrible marriage and divorce, I remained single for 16 months. I met someone through OLD and we've been dating since March.

We spent this weekend together and my exh was being an arse via email and this upset me. First time my boyfriend has seen me upset.

He's now gone radio silence on me and it hurts. If one incident of me being upset gets him running for the hills then I know I'm better off out of it, but I really thought this relationship had legs.

Not sure what I'm after other than a hand hold 😪

OP posts:
AtlasPine · 09/08/2021 20:42

Sounds a bit tough. Maybe he just wants to give you space?

Alcemeg · 09/08/2021 20:45

How upset were you? He might think you're still too emotionally wrapped up in your ex.

Goldsnow · 09/08/2021 20:47

Was this the first time sleeping together? If so that may have been all he was after.

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 09/08/2021 20:49

What attention do you want?

Did you talk about it in person?

Are you waiting for a text or call?

Is he ignoring you in another room?

Noshowwithoutpunch · 09/08/2021 20:49

He isn't prepared to get involved with the baggage.

firecracker69 · 09/08/2021 20:52

I agree, he might well think you're still emotionally entangled with your ex.

Rainbowqueeen · 09/08/2021 20:53

Handhold for you

It’s hard when things don’t go how you want. But better to find out now rather than a year down the track. Even if he does get in touch again please think about what you want and need and what is right for you

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/08/2021 21:01

Did you have to deal with your ex right then or could it have waited? How upset were you and what were you expecting from him?

From his POV it was probably a red flag and you don’t seem ready for a relationship.

Emotional ex drama is stuff to discuss with family or close friends, not short term boyfriends.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/08/2021 21:01

How did you express being upset, and what were you asking from him? He might be giving you space to yourself; or he might feel a bit out of his depth. Honestly, if I were dating a man who, two years post divorce, was still getting upset over his ex and expecting me to be his shoulder to cry on, I’d be wondering whether I wanted the baggage in my life.

Maybe you aren’t ready for a new relationship quite yet?

Original poster
Wannabegreenfingers · 09/08/2021 21:03

We talked it through yesterday. He said he understood why I was upset and we went onto have a lovely day or so i thought.

When I left this morning something just felt off and he hasn't read or responded to my messages. I've sent two, one this morning thanking him for a lovely weekend and another this evening just checking in. This is our usual pattern. Both unread, both not responded to.

No, not the first time sleeping together or spending a full weekend together.

I could also totally be over thinking all of this and it's just a hangover from my horrible ex who made me doubt myself and I just need to give my head a wobble!!

OP posts:
BeaBeaBuzz · 09/08/2021 21:07

Do you share children with your ex?

Original poster
Wannabegreenfingers · 09/08/2021 21:07

Your right, it was probably too much too soon. I am very much over him, but I still struggle with the control he tries to have over me, this instance was financial and probably could have waited until today. I just couldn't hold in my emotion and the tears flowed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wannabegreenfingers · 09/08/2021 21:10

Yes I share children with my ex, otherwise I'd never speak with him again. I've now said all communication is email only (phone in an emergency). I've blocked on all instant messaging platforms and SM.

OP posts:
BeaBeaBuzz · 09/08/2021 21:22

Totally explains why you even read it, that’s difficult. Suspect it’s just made the ‘baggage’ real for him. Give it a few days and see how it goes lovely.

Kittykat93 · 09/08/2021 21:53

Hmm I don't think you're overreacting. If he's no longer responding to your messages then clearly he's being off about something if this is unusual for him.

tinydancer88 · 09/08/2021 21:58

@Alcemeg

How upset were you? He might think you're still too emotionally wrapped up in your ex.
I agree. It sounds like he wanted to support you but upon reflection is worried whether you're too emotionally tied up with the ex. It sounds like the issue over email blindsided you a bit but maybe it's best to discuss aggro with your ex with somebody else.
beastlyslumber · 09/08/2021 22:08

Sorry OP. I'd be minded to think he is punishing you for giving your attention to your ex. Not responding to your messages = silent treatment. He's seen you vulnerable and upset, and his response is to go silent and withdraw. Whatever his reason (or excuse) you deserve better than that.

firecracker69 · 09/08/2021 22:14

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. There's nothing worse than ignoring you.... leaving you wondering, causing you to over think. I hate it. Why men, who do this, cannot just speak up and say what they think is beyond me. It's also a form of control. He will speak to you when he decides. In the meantime, you are left in limbo.

Sampafie · 09/08/2021 22:58

Hes come out of his stupor and realized you have too much baggage. Is he Childfree? He might not want to deal with all the things going on in your background.

Livelovebehappy · 09/08/2021 23:06

Maybe his last relationship was very difficult and full of drama, and he just wants this relationship to be without any drama/baggage? I think as you get older you know what you want from a relationship so can be brutal when you see red flags, but I really hope you’re just over analysing OP, and that it’s something as simple as him being very busy today and unable to contact you yet.

bluebell34567 · 09/08/2021 23:09

@Noshowwithoutpunch

He isn't prepared to get involved with the baggage.
agree.
acolderwar · 09/08/2021 23:15

Sorry OP but I would not date somebody who appeared to have ongoing drama/conflict with their ex, it's a dealbreaker for me. Perhaps he feels the same way. It's still rude of him not to get back to you though.

SpindleWhorl · 09/08/2021 23:19

Both my DP and I have 'baggage' so I guess there is a parity there, and somehow we cope mostly. It's a bit swings and roundabouts.

If my DP hasn't had a similarly shitty divorce, and didn't have similar responsibilities as a lone parent, I don't think we would have made it out of the starting blocks.

I'd give your DP/boyfriend space for a couple of days, and then see how you feel about him. If he's still giving you the silent treatment on Wednesday, I'd take that as incompatibility.

You're allowed to have emotions, and to not accept incompatible behaviour from a boyfriend. Good luck Flowers

SeeYouInFive · 09/08/2021 23:20

My DP has children with his ex. If when we were in the early stages of our relationship, he had been visibly upset and crying about some communication from her, then I think I probably would have pulled right back and run for the hills too. I can understand how your boyfriend would be really unsettled by that.

Ignoring or ghosting you is shitty though.

Sooodone · 09/08/2021 23:37

I’d take this as a red flag and be considering if you want to be with him. Ignoring your messages regardless of the reason isn’t on, he should be speaking to you and communicating, could be totally unconnected to your weekend, he could have other things going on, but unless he’s prepared to talk to you then things won’t get resolved. For what it’s worth I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

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