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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My gut is telling me something is off

71 replies

Wannabegreenfingers · 09/08/2021 20:39

After a horrible marriage and divorce, I remained single for 16 months. I met someone through OLD and we've been dating since March.

We spent this weekend together and my exh was being an arse via email and this upset me. First time my boyfriend has seen me upset.

He's now gone radio silence on me and it hurts. If one incident of me being upset gets him running for the hills then I know I'm better off out of it, but I really thought this relationship had legs.

Not sure what I'm after other than a hand hold 😪

OP posts:
GreenClock · 09/08/2021 23:39

I agree with the majority - his tentativeness is understandable but his behaviour is childish and cowardly.

I’d rather a man with a difficult ex than one who sulks and pouts.

CharlotteRose90 · 09/08/2021 23:58

Yep sadly he doesn’t want someone with baggage. I’m the same. It’s not your fault and it’s not his. Just unsuitable for each other.

user1471457751 · 10/08/2021 02:34

Not replying to a message within 12 hours doesn't make the guy abusive. It really undermines actual abuse when that word is thrown around on mumsnet to describe any behaviour by a man that may not be 100% perfect.

OP, did you really have to deal with your ex's email right then? I would be annoyed if my partner was emailing his ex for any non-urgent reason during our time together. It's pretty rude.

Monty27 · 10/08/2021 03:25

Are you and your new bf invested in each other to share upsets from exes and why would you be in contact with ex whilst having a good time with bf? Was there a problem with DC's? Have I missed something here?

AlternativePerspective · 10/08/2021 03:40

Not replying to a message within 12 hours doesn't make the guy abusive. It really undermines actual abuse when that word is thrown around on mumsnet to describe any behaviour by a man that may not be 100% perfect. I do agree, however it’s not unreasonable to think that something is off if you’re texting regularly and then one stops and isn’t even reading the messages.

He’s not wrong to not want to get involved in the baggage, and assuming he hasn’t met your kids yet he may be realising that this is how it’s going to be for the foreseeable until your kids are old enough, and he may just not want to get involved with that (I wouldn’t).

But going quiet and not responding to messages when you generally do is shit behaviour, even if he’s having a wobble and needs time to think. He should at least have said to the OP “look, I’m not sure I can deal with all of this,” before going quiet. Now if he gets back in touch after a couple of days and says he was having a wobble, he will presumably expect the OP to just accept that, and she really doesn’t.

The silent treatment is an awful way to treat people. Even when someone claims that they just need to be by themselves.

If you need to use radio silence for days at a time then you’re probably not ready for a relationship.

Original poster
Wannabegreenfingers · 10/08/2021 05:39

Thank you. It was probably too much too soon. I'm very much an open book and not good at masking hurt and upset. After many conversations I truely believed we we're on the same page and that he would have been supportive.

The children haven't met him, but are aware I have someone who I thought was special in my life.

OP posts:
Rhinothunder · 10/08/2021 06:03

@acolderwar

Sorry OP but I would not date somebody who appeared to have ongoing drama/conflict with their ex, it's a dealbreaker for me. Perhaps he feels the same way. It's still rude of him not to get back to you though.
This. Sorry OP but s sounds like you're not ready for a new relationship.
itsme1978 · 10/08/2021 16:20

Has he still not been in touch? Have you rung him? Seems odd........

Original poster
Wannabegreenfingers · 10/08/2021 17:17

No contact. I'm off for a walk with a friend. If still nothing I'll try calling after, but then the ball is firmly in his court and quite frankly there needs to be a good explanation. Almost 48 hours of radio silence is just pretty rubbish.

OP posts:
tinydancer88 · 10/08/2021 17:23

The total lack of response is shit, whatever is going on.

fuckoffImcounting · 10/08/2021 17:47

The silent treatment is abuse. He was punishing you for being upset - I would lose this twat asap.

beastlyslumber · 10/08/2021 17:50

What a knob, OP. Don't bother calling him. Just block him on everything and be done. Sorry you had to go through this but in the long run he's done you a favour. Would have been a lot worse to find out what he's like six months further down the line.

firecracker69 · 10/08/2021 18:36

It takes mere seconds to send a brief text. Whether he wants to end it, needs space or is affected by what happened he should just communicate it. This is abusive,cruel and very immature behaviour.

itsme1978 · 10/08/2021 18:49

So disrespectful if no bloody good reason, I agree! X

nevernotstruggling · 10/08/2021 18:51

It's conscious no contact. I would be really fucked off

PilatesPeach · 10/08/2021 18:59

Do not contact him again - you have sent 2 messages and he has not replied - has almost certainly seen that you have and has chosen not to read them. Do not chase him. Whatever has happened, he is not behaving well imo - even if he has decided the situation is not for him, he should have at least told you but phoning will just set you up again to be ignored or told what you already suspect. He is ignoring you deliberately - do not ring him.

happinessischocolate · 10/08/2021 19:14

Please don't contact him. He's choosing to ignore you so why bother phoning him, block him and then delete.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

He's a tosser.

Original poster
Wannabegreenfingers · 10/08/2021 22:07

I haven't contacted him. Regardless of my baggage, no contact is shit. I can see he has read the messages, which makes it worse now. I don't need or want games. I'll go back to my single life and thank my lucky stars he has shown his true colours now.

OP posts:
Sakurami · 10/08/2021 22:18

Well done op. Regardless of what he is thinking, blanking you for a couple of days isnt on!

Cockenspiel · 10/08/2021 22:21

Blanking you and your messages just shows his true colours. Very disrespectful towards you, even if the weekends events changed his mind about things. Dick move.

Looks like you’re well rid and thankfully before it went on any longer. Hopefully you’ll start to feel better over the next few weeks Flowers

beastlyslumber · 10/08/2021 22:35

@Wannabegreenfingers

I haven't contacted him. Regardless of my baggage, no contact is shit. I can see he has read the messages, which makes it worse now. I don't need or want games. I'll go back to my single life and thank my lucky stars he has shown his true colours now.
Well done, OP. I'd go one further and block him on everything, so he can't come creeping back when he's decided he's punished you enough and it's time to reel you back in. Delete, block, move on.

Oh and I don't believe any of this is because of anything you did, not at all. He wanted to punish you for your attention not being 100% on him, that's all. Imagine what he'd be like with your DC. You are well rid of him.

SpindleWhorl · 10/08/2021 23:20

I think it's quite likely he'll message you tomorrow saying he's been busy, and/or he was a bit freaked out by your stuff with the Ex, and/or he had an emergency.

You'll have to assess your gut feelings about his honesty or otherwise, and whether you can be arsed with it all.

OrlandointheWilderness · 10/08/2021 23:33

God that's just a bit shit of him. Four months and he can't even show you the respect to drop you a line and say he needs a bit of time?!

todaysdilemma · 10/08/2021 23:36

Hmm, I had a bf I was dating while my divorce was being finalised. He knew about the divorce when we started going out, I had initiated it and it was amicable. However, towards the end things got a bit stressy as we were selling our property, and I would get a bit upset. My bf at the time professes that he loved me, I was the one etc. Then dumped me very suddenly, a year later (3 months after my divorce was finalised) and claimed he had found it too hard to see me get upset by another man even though he knew there weren't any feelings.....

So I would personally see it as a red flag. Irrespective of the reason, not being able to handle you get upset isn't a good sign. Unless you were being abusive to him, you are allowed to get upset over things and expect partner to not run away. No
Contact for any reason is utterly shit.

Have you asked him about it?

Addicted2LoveIsland · 10/08/2021 23:44

Any news OP?

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