Sexless relationship, here we go again.

[whackarow]

So, 10 year relationship. Just to say I understand you can't be in the first flush forever and also no one should ever do anything sexually they don't want to do, on either side.

Right from the earliest days in our relationship when we had sex a lot it was always clear to me that my DP liked to be the one to initiate. I would say at this point he had a bigger sex drive than me overall but I still enjoyed everything we did and I thought that since there was lots of sex on offer it didn't matter that much.

I did try and talk to him about it at the time but he seemed to get embarrassed/upset and once again since we had sex very frequently and it was so good between us it felt like I was making a fuss over nothing really.

Anyway sigh after a stressful couple of years and various hoo har things have now dropped off to nothing at all.

In the last 10 months we have had sex 3 times I think. The last time was just really awkward and I don't think either of us got much out of it. The thing is, not every time can be fireworks and amazing but when you're having sex often the odd awkward time isn't a big deal. Also if you're having sex once every few months the pressure on making that encounter good is really ramped up. It just feels like a losing battle.

The thing is as well, if you feel like someone doesn't want to have sex with you, well, who still wants to have sex in those circumstances? So again, it becomes a self fulfillng thing.

Tmi coming up.

For all the time we've been together if he has been hungover he's asked for a hand job in the morning. As part of a full sex life that's fair enough.

Over the last couple of years as our sex life tapered off that's the one thing he kept asking for.

I was a bit conflicted between thinking well, it's some intimacy and closeness between us and on the other side thinking it's OK to get a hand job off me but you don't want to have sex with me...how does that work?

Anyway one morning around 2 months ago he asked me for a HJ and I said no I'm tired and went back to sleep.

Since then we've had zero sexual anything between us, we peck on the lips maybe every 3-5 days and lightly hug. No hugging in bed. I have told him we are like housemates now and this is getting silly. We have both said we don't want a sexless relationship.

I think he may have taken me saying no to heart a bit but I'd rather have no sex life rather than... you can wank me off if I've got a hangover. I mean, if he is happy with that level of intimacy can't I do that for him sometime when it's more than just to ease his hangover? We wake up at a similar time, it just feels so .... crap.

I just feel rejected all the time. Not rejected like I'm asking and he is saying no, rejected because it is really just off the table. If we split up I wouldn't run out and shag loads of men. It's not even about sex by itself. My self esteem is so low now I don't think I ever want to have sex ever again, I can't imagine it. I certainly can't imagine being comfortable enough to enjoy it.

I am just so sad. That probably makes it worse, which makes it worse if you get what I mean.

That's all. I have no one else to talk to.

I do love him and ideally I would want us to stay together but I am thinking of saying to him that this has got to be it now. There are other problems in the relationship which we seem stuck on how to fix. If for some reason we couldn't have sex/one of us was asexual then that would be different. Not wanting to have sex with a specific person means you are friends and not lovers imo.

Intimacy in a relationship is vital . Hugging and kissing every day . Texting .Snuggling at night in bed .Holding hands when walking etc etc. Its all part of a relationship .
Just asking for a hand job when he has a hangover isn't exactly romantic or thoughtful so it should be you who is sulking not him !
Does he think you can be turned on like a light switch just because he wants satisfaction ? What about your satisfaction ? Or isn't that important?
You can either talk about this and sort it or move on and leave him . You deserve better

Thank you for your honesty about your relationship. It is really sad when things come to this. The hj is something he can do himself and his laziness here and in your relationship to love you properly is despicable. He needs a good talking to.

Ok, I could've written your post word for word. I've gone past the hurt and I'm now so angry.

I'm afraid I think this is yet another example on these pages of The Modern Man's Lazy Way To Sex raising its head yet again. Check his browser history and take it from there. If I'm right it's best addressed sooner rather than later. The more he wanks to porn ( if he is), the less he'll feel inclined to have sex with you.

I'm so sorry, but at least if it's that you'll know what it is. 💐

@Dinkiedoo & @Emmylouisa the hj thing annoys me because he thinks it's ok to say that's the whole sex life. I think he is viewing it like we always did that so why stop that as well?

He can wank himself off if he’s got a hangover.

I'm sorry @Sillawithans will you stay do you think?

If he’s not sorting you out, I wouldn’t be doing it for him.

No op, I can't cope with it for much longer. It's not even about sex anymore. We've had sex maybe 5 times this year and nothing since April. Absolutely soul destroying. I brought it up last week....No pun intended and went a bit mad, said on do we need to make an appointment or something. I said I'm allowed to ask why we're not having sex, told him he always reacts the same way which is to get irritated which shuts me up. He's now working at the weekends when he doesn't have to. Bastard.

We’ve had sex once in two years, and that’s because I thought I needed to make the effort, to get back into it.
Doing it made me realise that I didn’t want to do it with him anymore.

Does he return the favour after you give him a hand job? A sexless marriage is not healthy, unless you both agree to it.

@Hopeisnotastrategy I wouldn't want to check his browser history really, if I need to do that it's over anyway.

I don't enjoy porn myself but I have always fantasized, much more of late you will not be surprised to hear! It's never affected having sex with a real person that I love and I wouldn't be happy with anyone ever knowing exactly what all my fantasies are...although when me and DP were intimate often I shared a few and it was all good fun. I mean does anyone, especially someone I'm in a relationship with need to know my snooker player fantasies, I don't think so! I think your autonomous sexuality is your own really.

I'm sorry to be crude but if he hasn't got something left in the bank for me then we're not a couple. I get that there are people who are in low sex/no sex relationships that want things that way but we've both confirmed that's not the case here.

Op sounds so miserable.

@DinosaurDiana no, I'm not doing that anymore. He hasn't asked anyway. As I say the rejection seemed to really affect him (oh the irony) and I don't think from the limited conversation we've had that he really sees the distinction between sex life comprised entirely of one way hangover relief HJs every 4-8 weeks and a full sex life that includes that..

Tbh I think he just doesn't fancy me anymore. I get that he doesn't want to SAY that outright but I have suggested splitting and he seems dead set on staying together.

@Sillawithans you said you could have written my post word for word..I can't help but think the insisting on always initiating is some part of this kind of situation.

I mean for years we had sex all the time and yet...if I approached him he got very funny about it..even though he wanted sex so often. I'm not saying I demanded it or anything just that sometimes you come on to your partner, sometimes they might go for it, other times give you a hug and you take it as read "not right now". I found it confusing and upsetting at the time because he would get quite put out and huffy if I made a move on him, even though I was happy to take no for an answer, just to be clear. Then he had no problem very strongly coming on to me.

One of our "things" was to go for a lie down in the day. That kind of meant the other person was invited along. That usually, but not always (fine), would go from snuggling to sex.

Back when all this started he went for a lie down and I joined him, tried to hug him and he huffed and sighed and got up again right away. I would have been fine to just hug, trying to be very clear on the no insistence thing here...but he seemed so put out.

We were planning a UK trip a few weeks ago. I said it would be nice to spend some time together. He seemed to take this as me hinting I wanted sex on this trip (I wasn't, I just never even try to hug or kiss him now, just thought time away would be good for us) he totally shut down and now won't discuss going so I guess we aren't. It makes me feel awful, like some kind of sex pest when I'm the opposite.

It's not just with men either, a lesbian friend of mine had this happen to her. Her gf went from wanting sex all the time for years to wanting no physical contact but still wanted to stay together and refused to discuss anything. As you were saying, it merits talking about!

From my point of view it’s hard to start the ‘talk’ because it’s going to end up in a split, but I just can’t be bothered with the hassle. He’ll say he’ll try harder, change, cut down on the drink, just like last time. And just like last time he won’t.

Op, you sound just worn out with it

I think my approach would be to say - we need to talk about this, properly, honestly.
I don't want to leave you, but if you won't sit down and talk to me about this, then I will assume that we are over.

Then as part of that conversation, I would be suggesting marriage counselling.
He will probably hate the idea of talking about sex in front of someone else, but if you can't talk about it as a couple, then you need help.

It is pretty hard to get my head roudn the idea that he thinks it is OK to ask you for a HJ, but he doesn't do the same for you?
The fact thathe can't even see that is a worry

@DinosaurDiana I think I'm going to suggest a kind of soft split, with me moving out. We can then see how things go dating for a bit and see if he wants to give up this place and move in with me.

I actually did this at the peak of our problems and although it wouldn't suit everyone it really worked for us and we were happy. I didn't have a permanent place then though and after some honest discussion and some really nice dating type times together I agreed to move back in...and here we are.

@steppemum I know. I am also just a bit confused at someone wanting a HJ off someone they don't want to have sex with. Or being fine getting a HJ off said person when hungover and not at any other time.

Maybe I'm naive.

We used to do the laying down in the day thing too. Long ago. It was nice but as years went on, I got bored of it. He spent too much time fiddling about which irritated me. Also I noticed he wasn't taking me out much. I said I'd like a bit more romance but that just irritated him. We are worlds apart. It's sad, we're just going along, two people living in the same house. My fantasy is to leave and be free to start a new relationship if I wanted to. My heart is dead towards him. He told me in so many words he doesn't fancy me. He wanks alot and I couldn't give a flying fox about that.

The initiating thing is so bizarre. Did you ever ask him about it?

@Emmylouisa Romance is done with here also. We're friendly, but that's not the same as being a couple to me.

As I said upthread I think mine has pretty much said he doesn't fancy me. Tbh if he walked in with a stunning supermodel and said he was shagging her senseless every night my response would pretty much be "ok...so can we break up now?"

Do you have kids? Is that why you've stayed?

I guess what is confusing is that he has said he doesn't want to be sexless and doesn't want to separate.

You both want to be together and having sex?

It is just turning that mutual wish into action?

What would happen if, when he asks for a HJ, you were to say "hmm, babe, I was just going to ask you for the same thing!" and get his hand and put it there?

@Polmuggle I did ask him about it. He always got very upset and defensive. He also kept saying that since we had sex very often and loads of kissing/hugging/general intimacy then what was the problem. At the time I accepted that and now we don't have sex at all it feels a bit too late to start asking why me initiating would be a problem.