Sexless relationship, here we go again.

[whackarow]

So, 10 year relationship. Just to say I understand you can't be in the first flush forever and also no one should ever do anything sexually they don't want to do, on either side.

Right from the earliest days in our relationship when we had sex a lot it was always clear to me that my DP liked to be the one to initiate. I would say at this point he had a bigger sex drive than me overall but I still enjoyed everything we did and I thought that since there was lots of sex on offer it didn't matter that much.

I did try and talk to him about it at the time but he seemed to get embarrassed/upset and once again since we had sex very frequently and it was so good between us it felt like I was making a fuss over nothing really.

Anyway sigh after a stressful couple of years and various hoo har things have now dropped off to nothing at all.

In the last 10 months we have had sex 3 times I think. The last time was just really awkward and I don't think either of us got much out of it. The thing is, not every time can be fireworks and amazing but when you're having sex often the odd awkward time isn't a big deal. Also if you're having sex once every few months the pressure on making that encounter good is really ramped up. It just feels like a losing battle.

The thing is as well, if you feel like someone doesn't want to have sex with you, well, who still wants to have sex in those circumstances? So again, it becomes a self fulfillng thing.

Tmi coming up.

For all the time we've been together if he has been hungover he's asked for a hand job in the morning. As part of a full sex life that's fair enough.

Over the last couple of years as our sex life tapered off that's the one thing he kept asking for.

I was a bit conflicted between thinking well, it's some intimacy and closeness between us and on the other side thinking it's OK to get a hand job off me but you don't want to have sex with me...how does that work?

Anyway one morning around 2 months ago he asked me for a HJ and I said no I'm tired and went back to sleep.

Since then we've had zero sexual anything between us, we peck on the lips maybe every 3-5 days and lightly hug. No hugging in bed. I have told him we are like housemates now and this is getting silly. We have both said we don't want a sexless relationship.

I think he may have taken me saying no to heart a bit but I'd rather have no sex life rather than... you can wank me off if I've got a hangover. I mean, if he is happy with that level of intimacy can't I do that for him sometime when it's more than just to ease his hangover? We wake up at a similar time, it just feels so .... crap.

I just feel rejected all the time. Not rejected like I'm asking and he is saying no, rejected because it is really just off the table. If we split up I wouldn't run out and shag loads of men. It's not even about sex by itself. My self esteem is so low now I don't think I ever want to have sex ever again, I can't imagine it. I certainly can't imagine being comfortable enough to enjoy it.

I am just so sad. That probably makes it worse, which makes it worse if you get what I mean.

That's all. I have no one else to talk to.

I do love him and ideally I would want us to stay together but I am thinking of saying to him that this has got to be it now. There are other problems in the relationship which we seem stuck on how to fix. If for some reason we couldn't have sex/one of us was asexual then that would be different. Not wanting to have sex with a specific person means you are friends and not lovers imo.

Is he worried about his erection? That unless he can choose the time and place he can't guarantee it will all work "properly"?

Viagra is very good and available everywhere .

@Bumpsadaisie That's a possibility. He doesn't seem at all interested in fixing this though. At the same time he seems unwilling to end it. The way I feel now I'd probably turn him down because my confidence is so low. I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't fancy me, even if I fancy them.

I just can't really see a good outcome.

I accepted that and now we don't have sex at all it feels a bit too late to start asking why me initiating would be a problem.

Why do you think it’s too late ?, if neither of you wanted to split, one of you will have to initiate at some point surely?

[quote whackarow]@Emmylouisa Romance is done with here also. We're friendly, but that's not the same as being a couple to me.

As I said upthread I think mine has pretty much said he doesn't fancy me. Tbh if he walked in with a stunning supermodel and said he was shagging her senseless every night my response would pretty much be "ok...so can we break up now?"

Do you have kids? Is that why you've stayed?[/quote]
This is me !
I wish he would ask me for a divorce, so that I don’t have to do it.
I fantasise about my own house, not having to tidy up after him.

@JustAnother0ldMan

I accepted that and now we don't have sex at all it feels a bit too late to start asking why me initiating would be a problem.

Why do you think it’s too late ?, if neither of you wanted to split, one of you will have to initiate at some point surely?

Hmm.

I think when things get into this kind of rut you can't get out of it unless you both agree to "just do it" even if it feels difficult.

Either doing it will improve things, or it'll still feel awful - and that will help inform your decisions about the future?

^ that’s what I did and it was awful.

Whackarow.. Same!! I have come to the conclusion now as I'm older, that men are pretty simple creatures and they don't realize you have to mix things up a bit to keep love alive, I'm not ready to be a companion to a selfish bastard. I have suggested I stay in a hotel at weekends because I can busy myself with work and fitness during the week but the realization of the crap relationship we have hits me hard at weekends. I make my own fun days out but always get shitty comments when I come back. He hates me seeing friends or bringing them home. Home is his castle and doesn't like sharing it with my family either. No kids together but it's not easy to leave when you've got things jointly.

@Bumpsadaisie. Yeeesssss, but if neither want person wants to split, and neither person wants to be in a sexless relationship, ( I think I read that), then one or the other has to try an initiate and Nike or a split is inevitable?

Has he got a problem with alcohol?

@category12 no, that's not a factor.

Just he seems to have a lot of hangovers.

I hear you OP. I made a heads a few days ago about the same thing.

We've just had a night away, hotel room to ourselves, no teens in the room next door and absolutely nada and it wasn't for me trying. I am so fucking angry today. Before we went I thought about packing some sexy underwear and thought there's probably no point.

I feel unattractive, unwanted and like a total fool. Anytime we get to ourselves he couldn't be any less interested. I told him last night I'm tired of this and I can't do it anymore, I asked what was wrong with me - apparently nothing is 🙄

I feel the same as you do and I still don't know what to do. I cannot carry on feeling like this though anymore. All I want is a little bit of passion once in awhile and not 3 minutes of shit sex when HE wants it.

Sorry for the typos in that post. That's how annoyed I am.

So the one time you refused to give him a handjob has led to an almost complete dry spell?? That’s messed up. It’s also messed up for him to be asking that and doing nothing about having a mutual sex life. I’d be highly insulted to be used for a sexual service and then treated like i’m not good enough for mutual sex. Doesn’t this make you angry??

@category12 Ahhh, I see. Not really tbh. I didn't mean the hangover HJ replaced all the other sex we were having before. More that as everything dropped off he still kept asking for that, it's not that often. It was maybe a bit more over lockdown.

Out of interest, how old is your partner?
Could it be he is having a bit of trouble down there? As men get older their testosterone production drops off which affects sex drive. Might be worth mentioning in any proper sit down conversation you might have.

Before I read your other comment I was going to say maybe you try initiating. But sounds like that's off the table too. Sorry you're going through this. It's incredibly hard to be in a relationship that feels one way

@Bumpsadaisie @JustAnother0ldMan

I think the last 10 months have been the nike thing tbh.

The thing is before that, when I left what seemed to work was having a bit of space from each other. I didn't storm out or anything we agreed it was a good idea. We then met up, we had good communication, no pressure, no ultimatums..just being honest with each other. We also dated each other a bit iyswim, nothing fancy just with a bit of anticipation etc and we both really had fun in each other's company.

Anyway that led to me coming back and the night I came back we were intimate. There was no pressure from me btw and I didn't come back on the condition of that or anything, I was quite surprised tbh.

We both were hopeful at that point and agreed that space in day to day life was a good idea. We both wfh and don't live in a big place.

I won't bore you with all the blither but we're still living and working totally on top of each other. I don't have the energy to bring it up with him again. I'm not talking about moving to a 20 bedroom mansion or anything, just 1-2 extra rooms. I think he likes it the way it is. He works in the living room, watches TV at the same time, has his zoom going, music on and me to keep talking to all day. I think he would rather have that than a sex life with me.

I made an office space in another room but he piled loads of his crap on the desk and chair so I was back in the living room. If I ever mention anything he gets huffy and acts hurt, doesn't clear it though. I know I could do it but if I start I'll never be done with it. I never pile my shite on his work desk or his chair.

He is a bit lax on the housework front, although has improved a little bit after several severe rows. So I am a bit reluctant to start taking on new jobs when so much falls to me already.

@Tryinghardfornothing89 He is early 40s.

@SilverRoe I'm not really angry no. Very worn down and trying to pretend I live with a friend.

Do you have children together? Never mind the sex, I'd be fuming about him dumping his crap in your office.

@HollowTalk no kids.

I will ask him to clear it today and see if he does so without a fuss.

I'm in a similar position. It does not get better. Sorry no advice but you have my sympathy

@HollowTalk Also, it's not even an office it's part of a room. Which is fine but then that should be my space really.

The 2nd bedroom is his office (was before I moved in) but it's basically crammed full of junk and unusable. A storeroom really. This is not 100% his fault really as he runs a business that needs lots of bulky items. That said his business does tend to take over the place if I don't keep a check on it.

That's why I want to move. I want 1 room that is mine and only my stuff goes in and only I use it. I don't think at our age that's hugely ott of me.

[quote whackarow]@HollowTalk Also, it's not even an office it's part of a room. Which is fine but then that should be my space really.

The 2nd bedroom is his office (was before I moved in) but it's basically crammed full of junk and unusable. A storeroom really. This is not 100% his fault really as he runs a business that needs lots of bulky items. That said his business does tend to take over the place if I don't keep a check on it.

That's why I want to move. I want 1 room that is mine and only my stuff goes in and only I use it. I don't think at our age that's hugely ott of me.[/quote]
I don't like your chances. I think you might be blaming the size of the home, but actually it'll turn out it's him.

I think someone like this will just cram more stuff into a bigger house and your own room won't be safe for long. He's already demonstrated he doesn't respect your space by dumping on your desk.

You'd be better insisting he gets a lock up for his stuff, moving it all out and seeing how much creeps back in than thinking you'll solve it by bigger house.

It sounds like you had an odd dynamic sexually speaking in the first place, I wonder at you ever allowing it to be a thing, to give a hand job for his hangover, it should of been a no from the off, and would turn off a lot of people. Then there's sex when he wants it, but you're not ever allowed to initiate it.
Overall it sounds like he has alway been on a power trip with you, so I can't see that changing. You've gone along with him being the boss for years, and it shows in everyday life too. You live in his house, you tidy up his mess. Do you share cooking/ washing up duties? Do you share anything, because that's what's usually done in a relationship, especially where kids aren't a factor and you both work? He's showing you that you don't have your space in his house. He's kept you on the back foot for years and it looks like you've only noticed the sex side of it, but it's everything else too really.
I hope you haven't paid much of your hard earned into his place and have savings to get your own place. The answer is to lead your own life. You've landed yourself a sexist oaf by the look of it.