Sexless relationship, here we go again.

[whackarow]

So, 10 year relationship. Just to say I understand you can't be in the first flush forever and also no one should ever do anything sexually they don't want to do, on either side.

Right from the earliest days in our relationship when we had sex a lot it was always clear to me that my DP liked to be the one to initiate. I would say at this point he had a bigger sex drive than me overall but I still enjoyed everything we did and I thought that since there was lots of sex on offer it didn't matter that much.

I did try and talk to him about it at the time but he seemed to get embarrassed/upset and once again since we had sex very frequently and it was so good between us it felt like I was making a fuss over nothing really.

Anyway sigh after a stressful couple of years and various hoo har things have now dropped off to nothing at all.

In the last 10 months we have had sex 3 times I think. The last time was just really awkward and I don't think either of us got much out of it. The thing is, not every time can be fireworks and amazing but when you're having sex often the odd awkward time isn't a big deal. Also if you're having sex once every few months the pressure on making that encounter good is really ramped up. It just feels like a losing battle.

The thing is as well, if you feel like someone doesn't want to have sex with you, well, who still wants to have sex in those circumstances? So again, it becomes a self fulfillng thing.

Tmi coming up.

For all the time we've been together if he has been hungover he's asked for a hand job in the morning. As part of a full sex life that's fair enough.

Over the last couple of years as our sex life tapered off that's the one thing he kept asking for.

I was a bit conflicted between thinking well, it's some intimacy and closeness between us and on the other side thinking it's OK to get a hand job off me but you don't want to have sex with me...how does that work?

Anyway one morning around 2 months ago he asked me for a HJ and I said no I'm tired and went back to sleep.

Since then we've had zero sexual anything between us, we peck on the lips maybe every 3-5 days and lightly hug. No hugging in bed. I have told him we are like housemates now and this is getting silly. We have both said we don't want a sexless relationship.

I think he may have taken me saying no to heart a bit but I'd rather have no sex life rather than... you can wank me off if I've got a hangover. I mean, if he is happy with that level of intimacy can't I do that for him sometime when it's more than just to ease his hangover? We wake up at a similar time, it just feels so .... crap.

I just feel rejected all the time. Not rejected like I'm asking and he is saying no, rejected because it is really just off the table. If we split up I wouldn't run out and shag loads of men. It's not even about sex by itself. My self esteem is so low now I don't think I ever want to have sex ever again, I can't imagine it. I certainly can't imagine being comfortable enough to enjoy it.

I am just so sad. That probably makes it worse, which makes it worse if you get what I mean.

That's all. I have no one else to talk to.

I do love him and ideally I would want us to stay together but I am thinking of saying to him that this has got to be it now. There are other problems in the relationship which we seem stuck on how to fix. If for some reason we couldn't have sex/one of us was asexual then that would be different. Not wanting to have sex with a specific person means you are friends and not lovers imo.

As has been said further up, if you're in a relationship where you don't have sex, they're your friend, not your lover. I brought this up with dh in a counselling session and all he said was that he felt humiliated at me referring to him as a friend - "we are HUSBAND and WIFE!" Well, what does that even mean? 10 years without sex makes you friends and no more. Not even friends after all the tension and resentment.
Even though it's such an upheaval (I know you're on the same journey @DinosaurDiana) you do only get one life and you cannot spend it so miserable. I've got an appointment with a solicitor this week, and actually tried to start the ball rolling two and a half years ago but couldn't face it, but I know I can't spend the rest of my life like this. I'm 44 and just want the chance to be happy and loved, and yes, shagged, before it's too late!! Why can't I have that???! It is so hard, but you have to find a way to make yourself happy, and you're not happy as you are now @whackarow

19Bears - I spoke to a solicitor 12 months ago, it’s very reassuring.
My DH will be devastated when the time comes, but he’s had years to cut down/stop drinking, and he should have taken the viagra when he was offered it. That, and many other reasons, is why i’ll be going.
No fault divorce is coming in this autumn I believe.

@DinosaurDiana, @19Bears
Please don’t answer if you don’t want to, but just out of interest, how long have your relationships been sexless?
I did 2 years before leaving.

I’d say 2.5 years. We’ve never had any conversation about it, it just happened.
We had one go after about 12 months because I thought I had to make the effort, to get back into it. I didn’t ‘get there’, he smelt of BO, had wine breath, and yet again it took forever to get him there. I was bouncing up and down wondering why I bothered.

@DinosaurDiana I have also been waiting for No Fault to come through. When I first went to the solicitor in Jan 19 he said it was due to be passed through put then parliament got absolutely paralysed by Brexit, and then of course bloody covid came round, and it got pushed back and back and back. I feel like I have been totally stuck in limbo all that time. And I actually came away from the meeting in despair and felt more hopeless than ever!! Unfortunately, I am speaking to that same solicitor next week as he's the only one taking clients.....

@Opentooffers Not everyone is wired the same way when it comes to sex, so an odd dynamic is what it may sound like to someone else. You see it on here all the time, even the most light hearted "what do you think about saying this during sex" remark divides people between thinking it's great or wanting to throw up.

With the initiating thing, I didn't mean for one moment that I've ever been pushed into anything sexually or that I couldn't say no. Tbh most of the time he initiated were the times I wanted sex anyway like coming home from a date etc. If he ever offered and I didn't feel like it, it just was like a rain check rather than a no. As I said, when there was lots on offer it wasn't a problem, now there is nothing on offer.

So when you give him a HJ,is that all that happens,you don't get anything in return?

Sorry if I have not responded to everyone, things have not been great. We had a big argument last night...not about sex.

I am leaving in a bit and am going to a hotel. Check in is at 2pm. Not booked yet. Just been crying all morning. I know that's pathetic etc.

I know people hate it when you say this but I do love him, so much. And now I have to book a hotel room and leave. I have nowhere else to get this out so sorry.

Hi OP,
Really sorry to read about your situation, hope everything works out for you.

With regards to your original question, I went through the same with my exW, (with me being the male), lots of sex at the beginning (as per normal), I was the one initiating, but I noticed that if I didn’t initiate, we didn’t do anything, so as I stated working shifts/ away, the sex just dropped off a cliff and we never really recovered, and I was rejected more often, so just stopped trying really.
The one suggestion I can make really is that if you do get back together, try and keep the communication going sex, no matter how difficult it seems

I hope having some space allows you to arrive at a decision that's good for you OP. Best of luck💐

Sending you a hug @whackarow. It may be that this relationship has run its course. You love him because you are, from the sound of it, a loving, affectionate and loyal person, but it doesn't sound like either of you are flourishing in this relationship. For some of us it takes a lot longer to break that bond than others. But a friend said to me once, 10 good years is a lot to ask for ; if the relationship has run its course, be happy for what you had, and don't drag it down by hanging on for 10 more years making yourselves miserable. I think ExH and I had run our course by 10 years, and I look back at my diaries for the 10 years after that and want to shake my former self for having hung on in there. Lying there at night feeling alone, thinking surely plenty of other people would be glad to have me, so why doesn't my husband want to have sex or even cuddle? And btw, we also used to have hangover handjobs / blow jobs / whatever. I was so pathetically glad to have whatever closeness I could get. It all seems so much clearer in the rear view mirror, but at the time I put up with almost anything.
My current boyfriend's ex left him over their sexless relationship. He really didn't want to split up with her over it but just thought that part of their relationship was over; desire had died. She was brave enough to walk. He says now he's so glad she was brave enough to do that because he never would have, but he's much happier now. And it turns out, I think, that the sexless relationship was a reflection of other issues which caused it.

I do find mumsnet can be a cacophony of LTB over the slightest thing sometimes (not this thread necessarily, just in general) . He doesn't need to be a bastard for you to both be happier apart. You sound like a woman with a lot to give.

Oh @DivorcedAndDelighted I feel like you are talking directly to me (sorry, OP!) I have just been speaking to a solicitor this morning, and also had another counselling session, and I have to find a way to get out of the same sad relationship. As you say, I lie awake at night wondering why DH shows no interest in me whatsoever, and that surely there are men out there who would be loving me every night if they could. I'm fact, I know there are, I've had enough offers, but here I am still stuck with someone who doesn't look twice at me. In fact I've given up the chance of something lovely with someone lovely, because I don't have the strength to break away. It's now been ten years since we had anything approaching sex, and it is soul destroying, but that never seems 'enough' to break up a thirteen year marriage and to uproot the kids who I would sacrifice everything for. But I need to because I am going insane and feel crushed.
By the way, are you a Pearl Jam fan??? Saw things clearer once you were in my rear view mirror.....!! X

Whackarow, I hope you are okay and you managed to get away to a hotel. Thinking of you and of others who are in this desperately sad situation. Take some time apart for yourself. X

19Bears..its never too late to make plans for your future, some of us take longer to make the break..dont give up

DivorcedAndDelighted.. It was heartening to read your post. So your current bf was also in a sex less relationship. There is hope then x