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Original poster

Is your DP houseproud?

81 replies

felulageller · 07/08/2021 08:21

I'm at loggerheads with DP over our very different attitudes to our new house. We waited a long time to buy. I had dreams for years of all the nice things I wanted to do once I had my own place and not rentals where we couldn't decorate/ put pictures on the walls etc. I even had a folder with pictures cut from magazines.

He was well aware of all of this as I'd been buying things for the anticipated home for years. I thought he was on the same page as me.

But now we're here I'm continually upset as he's not stepped up to doing the jobs that need done around the house now we're owners. I feel like he's just treating it like another rental and not taking care of it.

Eg I bought new carpets. Came home one day to see a stain in the living room. I asked why he hadn't tried to remove the stain. He just looked at me as if there was something wrong with me for being upset at the stain and expecting him to clean it.

Incidents like that x 10.

I don't expect a Pinterest showhone but I've spend thousands doing it up and it pains me to see it deteriorating so quickly.

I've actually been glad of lockdown in respect of that being an excuse not to have visitors as I'd be ashamed to have anyone visit here.

Are other DPs like this?

OP posts:
Marmitemarinaded · 07/08/2021 08:22

Who cares if others are like this?

Yours is. And you’re not happy.

He’s being thoughtless and insensitive. And the two of you need to discuss and compromise.

userxx · 07/08/2021 08:25

He' s either lazy and needs a good kick up the arse, or he might feel he's not capable of doing the jobs. Have you asked him?

Original poster
felulageller · 07/08/2021 08:36

I ask if others are like this as I know women are more socially conditioned to be houseproud. It's not really typical in our culture/society to compliment a man on how nice his house looks! And on the flip side if a house is messy/dirty it's the woman who is judged not the man.

OP posts:
Dancingsmile · 07/08/2021 08:36

I think the signs were there in your old place.
Rental or owned surely you'd want to take basic care of it. You wouldn't want a stained carpet wherever you lived. I understand that some rentals are done up very cheaply but people living in them want a clean nice environment.

Marmitemarinaded · 07/08/2021 08:37

Personally - I am house proud because I love a clean and tidy home
Bugger all to do with societal pressures or conditioning

Likewise - my ex husband is as even more house proud than me. He loved a clean and tidy environment.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 07/08/2021 08:37

DP is more houseproud than I am, so I'm not sure you can generalise.

Original poster
felulageller · 07/08/2021 08:40

If I confront him on these issues (they are a multiple times a day annoyance) I feel like I'm falling into a nagging dynamic that I just don't want. I suppose what I'm saying is that I want him to want to make the place nice for himself and it not be something that needs prompting/nagging by me.

He just doesn't care if the house is in complete disarray.

OP posts:
SimonJT · 07/08/2021 08:41

Yes very much, I’m not houseproud and would apparently “wade through my own shit for a snack”.

inappropriateraspberry · 07/08/2021 08:42

Nope, down to the individual I think, not if you're male or female, the OH etc.
My DH is very good at cleaning and tidying, but sometimes needs help/guidance on the best way to do it. If he'd stained the carpet, he'd ask what was the best thing to use on it, then do it!
You need a proper talk with him about your expectations vs his. Maybe phrase it in that you will need to spend more money eg fixing these things now he's ruined them. That might make him rethink!

budgun · 07/08/2021 08:43

I don't think cleaning a spill from the carpet is particularly related to being 'house proud' - it's just basic cleaning.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 07/08/2021 08:43

He should have removed the stain when it happened. Vanish carpet foam is just something we have in the cupboard. The odd spillage is cleaned as it happens and isn't a big deal.

On the whole the whole family don't have food or drinks in carpeted areas as we all like to care for them, husband included.

sandgrown · 07/08/2021 08:44

I lived with a lazy man who wouldn’t decorate or repair things even if I helped . He criticised everything I did . When we split his very house proud sister came to help him and said our house was disgusting and totally blamed me despite him being out of work and home all day! I feel your pain OP. I was fighting a losing battle . Did your DP treat the rental properties badly ? Hard as it is you may need to be very specific what you need him to do . Invite your friends over . They are there to see you not judge your home .

Comedycook · 07/08/2021 08:44

No he's not and it actually gets me down. He's great at fixing stuff that is actually broken but he has absolutely no interest in decorating or just doing things to make it look nicer. He is very capable at diy. I taught myself to paint a room because we could live in our house for twenty years and he wouldn't. The thing is it's hard doing it by yourself. You need the other adult to help and support you. He keeps saying if I suggest stuff that it's not a priority right now.

OrchestraOfWankery · 07/08/2021 08:44

Does he expect you to clean and tidy his messes? Was this the dynamic before?

Comedycook · 07/08/2021 08:46

All my friends husbands are house proud and actively get involved in home improvements and decorating. As a result they all have much more lovely homes than us

Allthelights · 07/08/2021 08:47

How has it got so bad that you would not want visitors?

StuffLikeThat · 07/08/2021 09:16

God yeah, my husband is like this and it drives me mad. He doesn't work and the house is his "job" yet despite that, it's still a cluttered and untidy mess. He doesn't see the thick layers of dust on the skirting boards or the marks on the freshly painted walls. I've now given up. My perfect home exists only in my dreams. The same ones where I live on my own with the kids and have a happy, peaceful, tidy "Ideal Home" house.

userxx · 07/08/2021 09:21

@StuffLikeThat Fuck that.

category12 · 07/08/2021 09:24

Ah, your mistake was thinking his lack of care and interest was because you were renting previously.

In fact it's just that he's lazy and scruffy.

category12 · 07/08/2021 09:25

Why not divorce the bugger and get that, @StuffLikeThat?

Original poster
felulageller · 07/08/2021 09:26

I don't clean or tidy up after him no. I made it clear when we first started living together that I expect him to do his own adulting.

I think it's the adjustment to owners Vs tenants that has precipitated this. I put up with scruffy flats because investing money was a waste and we couldn't change anything substantial. Those places never felt like home and it was a main driving force and motivation for years for me to buy a house and make it a home.

Now I think I'm realising that to him this is just another place to stay. I'm also wondering if our different childhood homes are a factor. My mum kept our o/o mortgaged home immaculate. Eg there would never be half done jobs left, paint splashes, broken things, marks on walls etc.

He grew up in a council house that his mum bought outright with an inheritance. It's never been fully renovated. It's generally clean but scruffy round the edges eg peeling wallpaper, junk boxes left lying about for months. I never really 'saw' this before but now I think that's his benchmark and he has no will to live a more 'organised' life.

Things like that really stress me out - I can't relax in a room when there are bits of exposed plaster for example!

Am I uptight?

I'm really not a clean freak! (Eg it doesn't bother me if the dishes stay soaking in the sink overnight)

OP posts:
category12 · 07/08/2021 09:29

Well, if you're going to continue to live together, you're going to have drop the expectations that he does the DIY, I reckon.

Hopefully he does other stuff that will balance out you doing it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/08/2021 09:32

Being too idle and slobby to ignore a stain on the carpet is beyond “not being house proud.” The signs must have been there even in rentals, as previous posters have said.

Current DP cares about different aspects of cleaning to those I do, so I suppose it works out well. He’s not fussed about e.g. making the bed or floors being pristine; but he hates limescale build up on the chrome in the bathroom and dirty marks on surfaces.

However, several years ago, I also actually had to think about and take on board something my ex argued about household chores and cleaning: that why should the person with the highest standards be the one considered correct and the person who doesn’t mind a bit of dirt and disorder have to fall in line with those high standards they’re not bothered about and are only demanded by their partner, and At some level, I had to agree that if I wanted a really clean house, the onus was really on me to make it so rather than mither him into doing it.

Apeirogon · 07/08/2021 09:42

My DH is more house proud than me so I don't think it's always a male / female thing.

I do think it's related to upbringing. My parents both worked full time with no help (from family or paid help) so they didn't have time to keep the house spotless, whereas DH's mum was a SAHM. I think these childhood expectations are long lasting.

Try to find compromises that work for both of you. If he doesn't "see" the mess it may be unrealistic to expect him to clean up as he goes along, but you could set aside a couple of hours on a Sunday to both blitz the place - he may find that easier than continually having to think about it? Is he prepared to pay for a cleaner rather than do it himself? I think you also need to accept meeting in the middle, as he's not likely to completely change.

Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 09:47

Not cleaning up a stain is really lazy!

But now we're here I'm continually upset as he's not stepped up to doing the jobs that need done

Like what? What do you think he should now be doing?

I've actually been glad of lockdown in respect of that being an excuse not to have visitors as I'd be ashamed to have anyone visit here

I thought you’d just bought a house so have not been there too long? What’s happened to it to make you so ashamed?