Is your DP houseproud?

[felulageller]

I'm at loggerheads with DP over our very different attitudes to our new house. We waited a long time to buy. I had dreams for years of all the nice things I wanted to do once I had my own place and not rentals where we couldn't decorate/ put pictures on the walls etc. I even had a folder with pictures cut from magazines.

He was well aware of all of this as I'd been buying things for the anticipated home for years. I thought he was on the same page as me.

But now we're here I'm continually upset as he's not stepped up to doing the jobs that need done around the house now we're owners. I feel like he's just treating it like another rental and not taking care of it.

Eg I bought new carpets. Came home one day to see a stain in the living room. I asked why he hadn't tried to remove the stain. He just looked at me as if there was something wrong with me for being upset at the stain and expecting him to clean it.

Incidents like that x 10.

I don't expect a Pinterest showhone but I've spend thousands doing it up and it pains me to see it deteriorating so quickly.

I've actually been glad of lockdown in respect of that being an excuse not to have visitors as I'd be ashamed to have anyone visit here.

Are other DPs like this?

I agree that it is possible that you're right and he is deliberately leaving stains etc. Maybe to teach you that you can't expect him to do a single thing around the house so that you eventually give up expecting him to?

@SimonJT

Yes very much, I’m not houseproud and would apparently “wade through my own shit for a snack”.

Nah, OP, I'm not household. Must be letting the sex down!

However, the place can be cleaned to a visitor acceptable standard, top to bottom, in about 4 hours...

That said, I would leave a stain on the carpet and make no effort at all to clean it. That's not being household, that's just being a growed up person who has earned the money to pay for what you have amd looking after it.

@felulageller

No he hasn't paid for anything.

I've challenged him on this- many arguments about how he wastes my money, I work hard to pay to make the house nice then he spoils it. When things are really bad I even start to think he's being passive aggressive by leaving stains etc.

It just makes me want to cry at not having a proper home.

I don't have a childhood home so this is it for me. Part of me thinks he still sees his mum's house as 'home' even though he's not lived there for many years.

I suspected as much when you said

"Eg I bought new carpets. Came home one day to see a stain in the living room. I asked why he hadn't tried to remove the stain. He just looked at me as if there was something wrong with me for being upset at the stain and expecting him to clean it."

Hear me clearly
You are on a hiding to nothing with this man.
He is not your partner
He is not your teammate

He is a lazy user and a leech

Do not continue with this relationship unless you want a life time of misery and disappointment.

Most importantly unless you want to really fuck up your life
DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MANCHILD

If he's like this at the moment OP, I think you need to seriously consider what life would be like with him if you want to have children.

Ask yourself - what evidence do you currently have that would suggest he is going to be a hands-on Dad? That you will not be left to clear up all of the children's mess and stains? That he will pull his weight? That he's sensible with money?

Not promises or hopes - evidence.

To an extent... he'd never leave a stain though as that's just fucking stupid.

We let it get messy sometimes, but permanent damage wouldn't fly.

My DP is more house proud than me! It's good in that he tidied and cleans but can get a bit much when he swipes a drink off the table that you haven't finished! Before you know it said class is in the dishwasher!

Seems like you see it as "your" house, "your" money. Someone else said he doesnt see you as a team and I think that's right. He doesnt see it as "his" house but "yours" in the singular.

He sounds like a bit of a shit but I do think you're partly to blame.

@felulageller

No he hasn't paid for anything.

I've challenged him on this- many arguments about how he wastes my money, I work hard to pay to make the house nice then he spoils it. When things are really bad I even start to think he's being passive aggressive by leaving stains etc.

It just makes me want to cry at not having a proper home.

I don't have a childhood home so this is it for me. Part of me thinks he still sees his mum's house as 'home' even though he's not lived there for many years.

I really feel for you OP. He hasn't paid for things AND he isn't looking after the home... it's not good is it?

Do you have enough money to buy him out of his part of the house?

My exH never lifted a finger in our old house. He constantly moaned at me about what a state it was, but would never have considered tidying up or doing any DIY himself.

Now I live with my DP in a rented house half the size, but its clean and tidy and we both look after it. My DP is very houseproud and he likes doing bits of DIY.

We have been together for a very long time, it's just that it's taken years to buy a house.

Have DC - that's a whole other thread!

It was just the houseproud aspect I wanted outsiders' opinions on.

Yes there are other relationship issues. But ATM this is the one causing me the most distress.

I get so upset because owning a house was what I feel I've been working towards all my life. I had a vision of what that would be like - not having to put up with landlords' shoddy workmanship/ repairs undone, dated decor, not being able to personalise anything etc.

To be frank I'm now devastated that my dreams have been trampled on. He's seen me in tears over this for months and says he'll do xyz but then does one thing and leaves the rest. He never ever uses a day off to stay in and do stuff. He gets restless at home and wants to go out somewhere every single day. Then he'll come in and there'll be other stuff to do/dinner and DIY is never prioritised.

Can you not do the DIY yourself? My DH loves a bit of DIY but to the point that we rarely get days out as a family, so no matter how you swing it, it's never ideal!

But prior to meeting him I did it all myself. I would still but he actually enjoys it and is good at it and my standards would never be good enough!!

People tend to care about stuff they have paid for. If he isn’t paying for the carpets, he doesn’t seem to think they are worth looking after-that seems to be your problem.

He clearly doesn’t want to do DIY and I doubt you’ll be able to change that when you have a bucketload of other relationship problems as well going on. Expecting him to do stuff you want done round the house, just because he’s a man is going to lead to unhappiness (yours). I’d do it yourself or pay someone else to do it.

DH is house proud really, but he is clean, tidy organized, etc. I'm the somewhat messy one.

I don't think you can separate the 'house proud' part from the rest of your issues. It's all intertwined. You have serious problems - does he work? Why doesn't he contribute to household stuff? It seems that it isn't a partnership at all - you do everything and he's tagging along for the ride.
What are the DC issues? I think you'll find there's a connection.

He's seen me in tears over this for months and says he'll do xyz but then does one thing and leaves the rest. He never ever uses a day off to stay in and do stuff. He gets restless at home and wants to go out somewhere every single day. Then he'll come in and there'll be other stuff to do/dinner and DIY is never prioritised.

That's because it's your priority, not his. I dunno how it can be any clearer.

You can make your home beautiful and exactly as you want it yourself.

I am not sure what you want him in it for. Cos he isn't the DIY, "blue" jobs guy you want him to be.

He's not invested in your dream home.

You’ve been together a long time
You’ve lived together
Did you expect him to undergo a character transformation when you moved in your owned home?

If he didn’t care about his environment previously, it was unlikely that would change.

It is Shame that it is at odds with how you want your home. It would seem on this matter at least you are incompatible.

DH isn’t bothered about decor/aesthetics, but he’s clean and tidy. Thankfully, as I wouldn’t live with him if he wasn’t.
I do all the DIY/decorating generally, I enjoy it. He’ll do it if asked. He isn’t very good at design/doesn’t know what looks good etc but is happy for me to take the lead on that.
I’d be livid if he left a stain on the carpet, even though our carpets are pretty old and need replacing. He wouldn’t though.

OP you use the word "I" an awful lot!

As in...
I brought new carpets
I've spent money on items

Isn't it ever "we"?
I'll be honest if I was him I'd be rethinking living with you!
Yes my husband/ children and I love a nice, clean living environment, our house is always guest ready.
It is however more importantly our home, and we enjoy living in it and find it a calm and relaxing space.

Being nagged several times a day to create your 'folder' of requirements. Where's the joy?
It sounds like you've brought the house, you've furnished it, you've got this 'plan'
Do you ever ask him about anything? Poor guy... Is he even able to do DIY? Does he work full-time? Coming home to you prattling about pictures, carpet stains and not being able to impress everyone with your wonderful home after a tough year and stress. It sounds like you think you're doing him a favour letting him live there.
Have you brought the house together?
If so I'd probably start including him a bit more and stop barking orders. Otherwise unless you can afford to pay a mortgage on your own, you're going to end up having to sell it if he reaches the point he's had enough of your orders.

Doesn't sound like he's very happy because I just can't imagine anyone leaving a stain on a new carpet! Perhaps this isn't his dream.
When you say the DC is another whole thread I suspect he doesn't step up to that either. It must be heartbreaking for you. As others have said it's all intertwined but this is the part of the relationship you're focusing on atm. I think you need to lay it all on the line and either agree to move forward together or split up. Good luck

So GertietheGherkin you think it's ok for the OP to pay for new carpets from her own money, without a penny's contribution from her DP, and she shouldn't mind at all when he stains the new carpet and doesn't even attempt to clean it up?

@GertietheGherkin

OP you use the word "I" an awful lot!

As in...
I brought new carpets
I've spent money on items

Isn't it ever "we"?
I'll be honest if I was him I'd be rethinking living with you!
Yes my husband/ children and I love a nice, clean living environment, our house is always guest ready.
It is however more importantly our home, and we enjoy living in it and find it a calm and relaxing space.

Being nagged several times a day to create your 'folder' of requirements. Where's the joy?
It sounds like you've brought the house, you've furnished it, you've got this 'plan'
Do you ever ask him about anything? Poor guy... Is he even able to do DIY? Does he work full-time? Coming home to you prattling about pictures, carpet stains and not being able to impress everyone with your wonderful home after a tough year and stress. It sounds like you think you're doing him a favour letting him live there.
Have you brought the house together?
If so I'd probably start including him a bit more and stop barking orders. Otherwise unless you can afford to pay a mortgage on your own, you're going to end up having to sell it if he reaches the point he's had enough of your orders.

She used the word ‘I’ in those instances because she paid for them.

@Neverrains

DH isn’t bothered about decor/aesthetics, but he’s clean and tidy. Thankfully, as I wouldn’t live with him if he wasn’t. I do all the DIY/decorating generally, I enjoy it. He’ll do it if asked. He isn’t very good at design/doesn’t know what looks good etc but is happy for me to take the lead on that. I’d be livid if he left a stain on the carpet, even though our carpets are pretty old and need replacing. He wouldn’t though.

This is very similar to my DH. He trusts my choices of paint colours/furniture, and will help if asked. Today on a whim I bought paint to do the garage door - we’ll paint it together when we have the time. I’m proactive about DIY/home improvements whereas he isn’t, which can be slightly annoying, but he does ALL the cooking and loves it (I hate it and find it a total chore) so I’m happy to take the lead with DIY and most of the general life admin if I can avoid doing the Asda order and cooking dinner

Mine does all the cooking too @LittleMowf!

You are not compatible. I couldn't live like this. I am house proud. Even it I wasn't particularly 'proud', I would want a clean, well decorated home. Imagine moving on with just you and your DC and having the home you've dreamed of. If you stay, you'll end up raising your children to be as slobby as their father.

We're all good with immediate cleaning when requires (stains on carpets, DH shaving, splashing food when cooking) but we are both messy buggers with piles of crap everywhere.