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Original poster

Is your DP houseproud?

81 replies

felulageller · 07/08/2021 08:21

I'm at loggerheads with DP over our very different attitudes to our new house. We waited a long time to buy. I had dreams for years of all the nice things I wanted to do once I had my own place and not rentals where we couldn't decorate/ put pictures on the walls etc. I even had a folder with pictures cut from magazines.

He was well aware of all of this as I'd been buying things for the anticipated home for years. I thought he was on the same page as me.

But now we're here I'm continually upset as he's not stepped up to doing the jobs that need done around the house now we're owners. I feel like he's just treating it like another rental and not taking care of it.

Eg I bought new carpets. Came home one day to see a stain in the living room. I asked why he hadn't tried to remove the stain. He just looked at me as if there was something wrong with me for being upset at the stain and expecting him to clean it.

Incidents like that x 10.

I don't expect a Pinterest showhone but I've spend thousands doing it up and it pains me to see it deteriorating so quickly.

I've actually been glad of lockdown in respect of that being an excuse not to have visitors as I'd be ashamed to have anyone visit here.

Are other DPs like this?

OP posts:
StuffLikeThat · 07/08/2021 09:49

@category12 because his good points do outweigh his bad. He's a fantastic dad, a good friend, a good cook and a kind person. He just struggles with organising and how to keep on top of a house. I genuinely think he has some sort of executive dysfunction disorder

DonLewis · 07/08/2021 09:55

Ah, you've moved in with a man child, who doesn't see this shit as his responsibility.

This isn't about you being too upright, this is about him being a twat. He's forcing you into a nagging role, so you can feel bad about nagging and he can accuse you of nagging. I'd stop completely with the word nag. In your head and out loud.

He knows it needs cleaning up, he just doesn't care enough to do it.

So, what are your options? Retrain him, like a bloody dog Hmm? Kick him out? Put up with it for years and years and accept all of the responsibility for the house being nice?

If it were me, I'd ask him what his solution to it all is given that it making you unhappy and making you feel like he's a manchild and that's deeply unattractive.

Peachdisco · 07/08/2021 09:59

@Marmitemarinaded

Personally - I am house proud because I love a clean and tidy home Bugger all to do with societal pressures or conditioning

Likewise - my ex husband is as even more house proud than me. He loved a clean and tidy environment.

Yes I'd agree with this. Personally I find it much easier to relax in a clean and well maintained home. I know lots of people can ignore it, but I can't.

I think what comes across in your op is his lack of respect for your home and your needs. Which isn't ok. In addition it's just financially daft to not look after things in your home.

Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 10:00

Eg I bought new carpets

Was it not a joint purchase? People tend to look after stuff they have personally paid for.

gannett · 07/08/2021 10:05

Yes he is.

I am very much not.

We have both compromised over the years and can live with each other, just about.

Original poster
felulageller · 07/08/2021 10:30

He's taller, stronger and has better hand eye co-ordination than me so I think it's fair he does stuff like hanging pictures, painting to the ceiling, jobs involving hammers/screwdrivers etc. I suppose I always knew he wasn't a DIYer but thought that having own own home would change him. I've paid for various workmen to do the big jobs (which he oversaw) but some of them have been botched jobs which he hasn't chased up/finished off/ got new workmen out to do.

If he won't do DIY I'll pay to get it done professionally but he's not even motivated to do that!

Once the basics are up to scratch I'd happily pay for a cleaner/roomba etc.

It's more my frustration at not being able to understand why he doesn't care about this stuff?

Ie surely most people would be annoyed at visible plaster? Loose wires?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/08/2021 10:36

DH is very house proud, has a good eye for design, is very handy and great at DIY and gardening. We pitch in equally when jobs need doing, either daily jobs so we can all enjoy the place we live in or bigger home improvement stuff.

I couldn’t live with one like yours, he sounds lazy, selfish and a bit grim.

We play to our strengths, I’m short, he’s tall, he reaches stuff and moves heavy things, I do bathrooms as I like doing it, we both choose and buy things.

What do you want to do? He’s not going to change because he’s happy as he is.

Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 10:36

If he’s not doing painting/putting up pictures etc but you want it to be done, can’t you do it?

My DH is also taller/stronger than me but isn’t very interested in decorating or gardening and I have more chunks of time off work than him, so I tend to do it.

He wouldn’t spill something and not clear it up though-that’s really lazy!

I’m not ashamed of our house-what needs doing in yours that you are ashamed of?

When you say ‘I’ paid for the carpets-do you mean he didn’t pay anything?

Karmalady · 07/08/2021 10:57

You need a calm chat, laying out both points of view.

He should have cleaned up the stain, but with other stuff, I just think some people are more worried about how pristine the home looks, than others.

I can’t imagine it’s so bad you can’t invite friends over though - my friends vary between completely uncaring about housework, to OCD about cleaning - but I go to see them not to worry about the state of their home.

If you intend to have kids, then it’s best to wave goodbye to pristine standards anyway - any home is always disorganised with children growing up!

Original poster
felulageller · 07/08/2021 11:49

No he hasn't paid for anything.

I've challenged him on this- many arguments about how he wastes my money, I work hard to pay to make the house nice then he spoils it. When things are really bad I even start to think he's being passive aggressive by leaving stains etc.

It just makes me want to cry at not having a proper home.

I don't have a childhood home so this is it for me. Part of me thinks he still sees his mum's house as 'home' even though he's not lived there for many years.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/08/2021 11:52

It all sounds crap. Do you want to leave him?

Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 11:56

No he hasn't paid for anything

Including the mortgage?

I’d be telling him to move out today and buy myself a DIY book.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2021 12:04

I think your blinders have finally come off and you've realised that your partner really is the man you've seen all along, and the change you thought would happen will never happen. Your partner is a slob, and there's no way I could live with a man like that. You have to decide if you can.

category12 · 07/08/2021 12:05

@felulageller

He's taller, stronger and has better hand eye co-ordination than me so I think it's fair he does stuff like hanging pictures, painting to the ceiling, jobs involving hammers/screwdrivers etc. I suppose I always knew he wasn't a DIYer but thought that having own own home would change him. I've paid for various workmen to do the big jobs (which he oversaw) but some of them have been botched jobs which he hasn't chased up/finished off/ got new workmen out to do.

If he won't do DIY I'll pay to get it done professionally but he's not even motivated to do that!

Once the basics are up to scratch I'd happily pay for a cleaner/roomba etc.

It's more my frustration at not being able to understand why he doesn't care about this stuff?

Ie surely most people would be annoyed at visible plaster? Loose wires?

You can't make him care about stuff he doesn't care about. You care about it and I'm sorry but you're spouting a lot of sexist drivel. You're perfectly capable of hanging pictures, painting ceilings etc. Invest in a really decent electric drill set & the right tools and you'll be able to do anything a bloke can do.

It does sound like there's another problem in that you're also the one paying for everything - why is that?

Of course, if he doesn't pull his weight in other areas as well, you really need to figure out if this is the right "partnership" for you. If he's lazy with housework and shared responsibilities, won't do the "blue" jobs you want him to take on, and isn't contributing financially, what does the future really look like as a couple?

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 07/08/2021 12:06

Yes very much, I’m not houseproud and would apparently “wade through my own shit for a snack”.
🤣🤣🤣
I think dh and I are both happy with things being fairly "lived in" but we each have our own things that annoy us. Dh always moans about cobwebs which I hardly notice unless they get big, and he likes the windows to be sparkling clean whereas I get bothered by the floor being dirty or stained and anything smelly, and I like the laundry to be soft and smell nice which he is not fussed about as long as its cleanish. In the garden he likes it to be quite neat and whereas I like it a bit wild and full of plants. My main problem is just lack of energy and some health problems so I have had to settle for it being less house proud than I would if I was fitter.

DinosaurDiana · 07/08/2021 12:07

It sounds to me like you either need to lower your expectations and compromise, or split up.
I know which I’d go for after years of resentment.

layladomino · 07/08/2021 12:08

I honestly believe that having similar ideas of tidiness / cleanliness are one of the fundamentals for a happy relationship. I wouldn't live with someone who doesn't share my general approach to both.

I know of one divorce when it was the main reason (the woman was the scruffy one), and there are others where it's one of several reasons for them splitting.

It can be down to having different standards, it can be down to laziness, but whatever the reason it is really hard for the more house-proud of the two to live with. They have to either accept living uncomfortably, or doing much more work. Neither is fair.

Bananalanacake · 07/08/2021 12:16

How did he get the stain on the carpet. Bit of a coincidence if it happened just after you had it laid.

OrchestraOfWankery · 07/08/2021 12:17

He hasn't paid for anything at all? Why not?

Buggritbuggrit · 07/08/2021 12:40

Why isn’t he paying for anything? What is this man’s contribution to your home?

Apeirogon · 07/08/2021 12:44

I'm flabbergasted OP! You've paid for new carpets, tradesmen etc and he hasn't paid a penny towards any of it? But is happy to spoil and trash it?

What a tight, lazy, selfish, entitled arsehole Angry

Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 12:47

Your thread title and post is missing the point really. Him being house proud or not isn’t that relevant when looking at the bigger picture. Perhaps a better title would be

DP isn’t contributing anything financially

userxx · 07/08/2021 13:29

Why does he not contribute? Is it a joint mortgage?

EarthSight · 07/08/2021 13:44

@felulageller

If I confront him on these issues (they are a multiple times a day annoyance) I feel like I'm falling into a nagging dynamic that I just don't want. I suppose what I'm saying is that I want him to want to make the place nice for himself and it not be something that needs prompting/nagging by me.

He just doesn't care if the house is in complete disarray.

He doesn't care about his surroundings as much as you do, which mostly means that either he's -

a)He lives inside his head, therefore he can overlook things in his physical surroundings in a way other people can't, and he's more laid-back generally
b)He's lazy
c) You have a different attitude to money and caring for things that is only coming to light now
d) He's think he's above doing certain things because menial household chores are for women, not men

I do find it really strange that he didn't try to remove the stain. Even laid back people would immediately clean that up in case it was difficult to remove later, plus they wouldn't want to ruin their nice carpets.

I'd been buying things for the anticipated home for years

So.....has he been buying things as well.........or is it just you? :/

EarthSight · 07/08/2021 13:47

@felulageller

No he hasn't paid for anything.

I've challenged him on this- many arguments about how he wastes my money, I work hard to pay to make the house nice then he spoils it. When things are really bad I even start to think he's being passive aggressive by leaving stains etc.

It just makes me want to cry at not having a proper home.

I don't have a childhood home so this is it for me. Part of me thinks he still sees his mum's house as 'home' even though he's not lived there for many years.

Leaving that stain was so strange it wouldn't surprise me if this was a passive aggressive thing like you suspect. That's really bad if it is. Damaging someone else's possessions, your own partner's, is awful and would be indicative of much worse shit shown the line for you.

Did he pay anything towards the deposit? How much is he paying in mortgage now? Is his name on the mortgage?