Husband being difficult about me going to work

[Beachlover77]

I’ve not worked for a number of years, it was a joint decision so I could stay home and raise our daughter, my husband is self employed and earns well.
After 8 years i feel its time I get back into employment. I’ve been offered a part time position which for the most part fits around school which is great. I’ve spoken to my husband about it, initially he was ok with it if it means him not having to do much (he means picks ups and drop offs and shopping etc) we’ve had a few rows about it as I don’t feel it’s fair that I’m relying on him to pay everything (then he has a go at me for spending it!) I want my own money again and I want to contribute to the house etc again. He apologised after our last row and said as long as he has enough notice then he can take some time off to help in the school holidays. I told him today when October half term is and asked him to try to keep 3 days clear so he can have our daughter while I work those days. He shouted 3 days!!!! No way 3 days!!! Like I had asked him to commit a crime. I asked why not and reminded him he said he would take time off to help. He replied he is too busy and earns too much to take time off and why should he lose money (I replied that I’ve given him lots of notice so it would easy for him to keep those days free as he only plans three weeks ahead of time. He keeps saying why should he lose money for three days for me to earn not much. Says he’s earning for the house and family and that I keep spending it. I would just add that I spend it on paying the bills and groceries etc, never on things for me (I use my savings for anything I want but now my savings are running short) he has several savings accounts with healthy balances. If I ask for money he would give it to me so not tight in that respect but why is he making it so hard for me to go back to work and why can’t he take 3 days off to have our daughter. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable in asking for him to help share the childcare in the holiday.

Tell him he doesn't have to take the time off then but he'll be paying for the childcare.

He's being an arse though, it's not like you're a goldigger randomly spending his money on shoes you spend family money on family things and your contribution to the household is just as important as his. Also if work would help your general self esteem surely that's an important thing and he should be supportive.

You are the mother of his child, doing something for/with his child should be more important than money if basic needs can be met. He should not be "helping", he should be invested in his daughter's life.
Please do go back to work. Being dependent on a man creates an imbalance that will be in your disadvantage.
He may have a controlling personality. Why else would he comment on your spending if it's just food and bills ? You are spending your savings on small things for yourself. That's not what savings are for.
Be very very carefull !
Good luck !

Definitely controlling. Doesn't like to think of you making your own money and not being at his beck and call. Make your own money, get some autonomy and even out the respect levels in the relationship. Good Luck!

God he sounds awful, what would happen if you said you wanted to go back to work full time and therefore you needed child care paying for?

What’s he like if you just want to go out and he needs to look after your dd? Does he complain about that too?

But it's not just about money, it's about you having independent financial security and living a fulfilling life. He is being very unreasonable.

Out of interest, what's he like usually when you disagree with him? Is he controlling in other ways?

He’s financially abusive. He controls your behaviour and what he responsibilities he expects you to have via money. You need to read up on partners who financially abuse their wives and think about if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t respect you.

No wonder he doesn't want you to go back to work, because it would give you a chance to get free and teach your daughter that she doesn't need to live in an abusive home.

You're both working, you're both parents, he's not 'helping' if he takes time off in the school holidays, he's doing his share.

Bet he's not using savings for his own stuff. What he is doing is financial abuse.

Save all the cash you can from your new work, go on entitledto to see what you could get as a single parent and have a really hard think about what you want for yourself and what relationship your daughter is going to end up in, if she sees you accept this.

If he's not prepared to parent your child when necessary then he needs to either pay for childcare or give you a monthly allowance to spend as you wish. He will also have to pay into a pension for you. Does he not see that you have enabled him to build up a business so it's your turn now.

Please keep working outside the home if you want to and you enjoy it.

Your husband sounds horrible- looking after the kids is a SHARED responsibility, not just the mother's job and needs to be funded by the SHARED household income. So sit down with him with and a list of term dates and agree how you are BOTH going to contribute to the shared care of your child in school holidays. Either by taking time off or putting the child in a holiday club.

What's all this "he should lose money" and "my savings" and "he has several savings accounts". You are married, and if you divorced you'd both find out pretty quickly that in marriage there is no "his money" and "my money" - it's all "our money".

He's a bit financially controlling isn't he?

He's making it hard for you to go back to work because he thinks the downside to him in inconvenience, lost income and control is not worth it vs the upside of your financial contribution, security and self esteem.

That said, it sounds as if he was expecting to have to take no more than a handful of days off over the year, whereas suddenly you're asking for 3 days in the very first half term that comes up.

Maybe consider childcare, which should be paid for out of your JOINT income?

Thank you for your replies so far.
Before we had our daughter I earnt fairly well for the job I was doing, nowhere near his earnings but we put equal shares into the joint account to pay for house etc. We've been together over 20yrs so not like I'm using him for money or ever had.
He never takes her out on his own anywhere other than on the bikes locally. He's never driven her anywhere for a few hours out (he would always drop her off at his parents-we've rowed about that too) I casually mentioned that perhaps we could look into getting a car seat that fits in his truck and he shot back 'why the hell for' in front of our daughter, I said do you two can go out for a few hours somewhere. My daughter was jumping up and Dian screaming yes yes yes but he was saying don't see why we need to do that.
I'm an outspoken person and will call people out on their shitty behaviour so I have no problem in telling him he is being very unfair......but I lack any kind of ability to follow up on it as it all gets forgotten about as he carries on like nothing's been said.
He suffers with anxiety though he will not admit it. Whenever we got as a family I always have to drive. It's always me that has to organise anything and then if it goes wrong he can blame me.

Anxiety doesn't cause someone to commit coercive control.

He doesn't want to feel trapped by his little daughter, and he wants you to facilitate that as his support human.
Too much time being solely responsible for little kids means you can't do much else.
Society and culture has arranged it so that the mother takes the sacrifice.
You have to fight against it, keep going. You can decide you aren't sacrificing yourself, just keep it up.

@user16395699 do you really think that's what it is? I'm usually so good to see signs in others relationships but I've always made allowances because he gets anxious.

He has and is still actively continuing to control you. Anxiety indeed does not cause him to coercively control you, he does this because he can and it works for him. His behaviour towards you is rooted in wanting power and control and that lies at the heart of abuse.

If you read “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft your man is in those pages. You also need to consider what you are teaching your daughter about relationships, would you want her to be treated as you are in her relationship?.

He also comes across as being angry at you rather than anxious.

He is a wanker. Stop blaming anxiety.

Tell him he agreed to sort October half-term, so he takes the time off or arranges childcare. His choice which.

And go out more leaving them together.

Why does he have separate personal savings? You’re married, all money should be family money.

I don't understand all this 'he has savings accounts' etc. You're married so it's both of yours? Why aren't the savings in joint accounts?

Being anxious should never be used as an excuse, is he getting help? Does he understand the impact it has? Does he understand what triggers it? If no to these questions then he is not helping himself and so the behaviour will continue. You can only be supportive for so long and you are now trying to make positive changes to your life and it is sad that he does not want to support it in case it impacts his easy life. My DH and I discuss all school holiday cover and share it out as best we can. We also share all finances and he would never comment on my lower wages. You need to have a real conversation with him and set out what you now need from him in order to support your child and your job.

@AttilaTheMeerkat it's interesting you say he seems angry at me. I do think he resents me in some ways as I'm sociable and he's not. He has said in the past that when we argue he can never win because I'm better at words than he is and I'm quite outspoken. He has called me names before when I've called him out on his behavour, like in a way he can't express what he wants to say so has to resort to name calling.
Thank you for the recommendation-I will certainly take a look at that.

@StopCryingYourHeartOut we have always had our own seperate accounts as well as joint accounts. He's not 'tight' with money in that if I asked for some he would give it to me. He just really seems to not want me to go to work and earn my own money again.

He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry. Coercive control also creeps up on people over time and it is insidious in its onset. My guess too is that he is all sweetness and light to those in the outside world.

Men like this hate women too, all of them.

Abusive men like supposedly strong women because they see them as an additional challenge to bring down. He has and will continue to drag you down with him. Look at his parents too here, what are they like?

I also think he will continue to actively sabotage any and all attempts for you to get back into the workplace. He wants you to be financially dependent on him, some abusive men also use money to further control their target.