Husband being difficult about me going to work

[Beachlover77]

I’ve not worked for a number of years, it was a joint decision so I could stay home and raise our daughter, my husband is self employed and earns well.
After 8 years i feel its time I get back into employment. I’ve been offered a part time position which for the most part fits around school which is great. I’ve spoken to my husband about it, initially he was ok with it if it means him not having to do much (he means picks ups and drop offs and shopping etc) we’ve had a few rows about it as I don’t feel it’s fair that I’m relying on him to pay everything (then he has a go at me for spending it!) I want my own money again and I want to contribute to the house etc again. He apologised after our last row and said as long as he has enough notice then he can take some time off to help in the school holidays. I told him today when October half term is and asked him to try to keep 3 days clear so he can have our daughter while I work those days. He shouted 3 days!!!! No way 3 days!!! Like I had asked him to commit a crime. I asked why not and reminded him he said he would take time off to help. He replied he is too busy and earns too much to take time off and why should he lose money (I replied that I’ve given him lots of notice so it would easy for him to keep those days free as he only plans three weeks ahead of time. He keeps saying why should he lose money for three days for me to earn not much. Says he’s earning for the house and family and that I keep spending it. I would just add that I spend it on paying the bills and groceries etc, never on things for me (I use my savings for anything I want but now my savings are running short) he has several savings accounts with healthy balances. If I ask for money he would give it to me so not tight in that respect but why is he making it so hard for me to go back to work and why can’t he take 3 days off to have our daughter. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable in asking for him to help share the childcare in the holiday.

@Clangerschick1 I have pointed out exactly that to him, he's reply differs from 'well that was your choice' to 'more fool you' I think he is scared which comes back to the anxiety (he won't admit and so hasn't seemed help-he would never do that).
I have had days on my own but on those days he would go down to his parents so they would play with her and give her attention etc rather than purely daddy and daughter time. He's an only child.

Oh god, another of these men.

Where on earth do they are keep coming from?

Separate money, but you’re ’not allowed’ to earn your own, you think he’s generous if you ASK for money because he’ll give it to you, meanwhile you’ve used your savings to pay for ANYTHING for yourself over the last 8 years so now you have nothing in your name while he’s got multiple accounts, you do all the childcare care and have NEGOTIATED a return to work as long as it has minimal impact on him! Which he’s now kicking off about anyway!

This is nothing to do with money, him doing childcare or anything else, and everything to do with him being a controlling arse the same as all the rest of them who are like this.

He keeps you in penury and keeps himself deliberately incompetent on the being a parent front because then he controls everything and you can’t leave.

He’s a sexist, misogynistic, controlling twat.

I bet if you think (and not very hard) you will see a multitude of ways that your entire household shapes around his wants and demands with your needs and your child’s needs coming second to his every time.

It is a little bit tight that you have to ask him for money rather than just having access to it.

You can it anxiety if you want, but the outcome is the same: he controls your life. And now he’s losing control he’s getting mean.

Separate money, but you’re ’not allowed’ to earn your own, you think he’s generous if you ASK for money because he’ll give it to you, meanwhile you’ve used your savings to pay for ANYTHING for yourself over the last 8 years so now you have nothing in your name while he’s got multiple accounts, you do all the childcare care and have NEGOTIATED a return to work as long as it has minimal impact on him!

All of this. Oh and when you were earning significantly less, you were still expected to pay 50-50. He's not a very nice man, is he. 3 days, you're asking for 3 days. He can work a couple of weekends if the loss of money is such an issue.

On the up side, hes told you now, not the week before so you can plan. Would he cover the childcare cost id you book a holiday day camp now and get him to pay for it now?

Keep your job. If it means paying for childcare, sort options. At least you know hes no intention of being an equal parent. It wasn't that you didn't work, it's that he can't be arsed.

Hes not a good father (doesn't care about spending time with his dd), he's not a good husband. He might earn a lot but you don't benefit from that. Not quite seeing what the point would be staying with him long term. Get your career back on track and consider your options.

Oh and there was a point when I went back to work and dh was self employed, he was reluctant to take a day off work to cover having the dcs for holidays due to loss of income, but he covered any additional childcare costs for the days that he couldn't do.

He would also help source childcare on those days.it was a joint problem. Not my problem.

You're in an abusive relationship.

He's a shit partner.

He's a shit dad.

He doesn't see you as equal or worthy of the same quality of life as him.

Jobs like that you've described are like gold dust, do not give up.

Parenting a child is not 'helping' just because that parent happens to have a penis. It's parenting. Not helping.

He doesn't respect you.

Please don't teach your daughter this is what a normal, healthy relationship looks like because it isn't

He is being a dick in lots of different ways. Expect him to throw more obstacles in the way of you working. Good luck

Your post resonates with me OP.
I am in a similar situation but I don’t have savings for luxuries, so I always go without.
I have realised that i am massively undervalued. Your job raising your daughter is just as valuable as his job. You should not be using your savings for personal spending either, all money should be family money and you should have access to money for any basics that you need.

Really, MN ought to be compulsory reading for any woman considering marriage to a man. How many times have I read this exact issue over the past decade?

Every single one of these men hates and despises women and thinks they exist purely to facilitate his life and give him boasting rights regarding the possession of a child.

He is terrified that even a tiny bit of independence will make you realise what a shit life you have. You have to ask for money?

You’ll be so much better off once you’re divorced. And he’ll have to take responsibility for his own child for court ordered periods of time.

He wants you where he's got you, doing all the childcare and financially dependent on him, it surprises me how many men still want this in this day and age.

Take the job and arrange formal childcare even if you miss out financially, it's your future at stake here including earnings and pension. The twat should be sharing childcare with you, so even better dump your little one with him so he's forced to do his bit as her father.

So the anxiety extends basically to time with his daughter and, it appears, you working? But he’s not too anxious to run a successful business?

Are you sure it’s anxiety and not thinking that he’s too important to do childcare? Or ‘anxious’ about you having more career and financial independence?

Or sheer bloody laziness at not wanting to do days out etc with your daughter. It’s so heartbreaking she was jumping up and down with excitement and he just stonewalled it. Imagine the message she’s just got from that. Why isn’t he excited himself to have some lovely time 1-1 with his own child?

I think this ‘anxiety’ has covered up a lot of hard truths i’m afraid.

I agree totally that you need to be able to access 'family' money. You shouldn't need to ask for money like a bloody beggar ffs !

He is also a shit Father. Which isn't a surprise, because all selfish twats are crap parents !

You have 2 choices here.

1. You give up working and serve as his slave forever.
2. You continue to work, and tell him he either stumps up for the childcare costs and takes charge of the arrangements for this, as well as taking her to and from the venue or actually looks after his own DC for the whole 3 days.

However, many other parents can tell you that what'll probably happen is this

1. He says yes to sorting childcare etc, but actually does bugger all, then says to you at the last minute, ''Oh, I'm off to work, but the childcare has 'fallen through', so you'll have to stay home !

Because he knows that you'll have no choice but to stay home because a) you love your child and wouldn't abandon her. and b) It'll be a win/win for him if you lose your job because of it.

You really need to think about whether you'll ever be 'allowed' to work again, and if that's the case, wouldn't you be better off as a single parent ?

I think in this situation I would book childcare for all school holidays and tell him he's paying for it (and check that happens). You definitely don't want to be relying on some flakey arrangement involving his mum.

I am that he has gone 8 years without a suitable child seat in his vehicle. I find that bizarre. We have always had 3, one for each car and one spare for babysitter/grandparents.

You shouldn't have to use savings for personal things - that's ridiculous especially if you had the lower paid job in the first place.

maybe you need to approach this differently. Explain to him why you now want to work and explain that you need to come up with a plan for how you will manage school holidays. Your daughter is now 8 so if he has to cover his share, it may be he arranged with his parents to have her and her could join them for tea or at least some of it. It may be she would enjoy a holiday club and he could work a shorter day but manage drop off and pick up. I think he needs to be encouraged to be part of the solution. My ex SIL hated the fact that when my brother was left in some charge of the 4 kids he often took them to my mum and dad's for the day. My parents loved seeing their son and grandchildren and everyone had a lovely day but she constantly moaned about it. Are what solutions he comes up with and encourage him to see it as quality time with his daughter rather than childcare. Talk to her about what she would like to do with her dad and let them plan something together.

LTB

Failing that holiday club. Take the job OP. You won’t regret it.

he can never win because I'm better at words than he

Interesting that he sees the need to win. That's an unhealthy approach to solving issues.

In one respect I understand that the dynamics are changing and he hates the idea. If he is a good man he will realise a compromise or solution is possible. If he is controlling he will make life difficult for you.

Please stay in work. I assume you have a limited pension so there are very strong financial reasons to work even if income isn't initially high.

Women in relationships where the man holds the power (usually through finances) loathe giving up the control. The fact you have to ask to spend money is telling. An assumption women make is that they believe the man wants a mutually beneficial relationship. The reality is they don't! They want imbalance as it let's them live the way they want and they don't have to compromise.

A really similar question is why isn't there sufficient access to funds for both of you? That alone suggests you are non equal in his eyes.

I don’t understand how he would lose money? If he’s such a high earner then surely he has paid holidays?

Go back to work full time and don't put up with this nonsense.
How about if he insists you are a SAHM forever then he signs the house and pension over to you legally so you are not left high, dry and jobless if he runs off with a younger woman one day.
I'm sure he won't mind!!!

Pfft. I’ve just divorced one of these.

OP this is financial abuse and coercive control.

What underpins this is that he believes he is more important, more entitled to money and downtime, and better than you. That’s all.

To add, he will end up with approximately 30% of our assets, most of which I didn’t know about and couldn’t touch anyway, plus child maintenance. And I don’t have to put up with his manipulative controlling nonsense or look at his stupid face any more.

My husband didn’t want me to go out to work. He worked long hours, and he said he thought the children needed a parent around. He then ran away with the woman he’d been having a 3 year affair with, leaving me penniless. My advice would be to get a job, he’s financially controlling you. I’m in court next week because my husband hid/spent/stole all our money. Don’t be me.