DH lies about stupid little things, but it irritates me.

[Jng1]

That's it really. I've sort of known he does this for a long time, but recently I've started calling him out on it because it pisses me off that he thinks he can get away with it.
On the surface it mostly seems small, irrelevant things that don't really matter, but it's the pattern of behaviour that worries/annoys me (i.e. if he lies about this, what else is he lying about?)

E.g. this morning he said we had to make a detour through town to drop off a parcel at the post office. I didn't want to have to waste time getting caught up in traffic/ finding parking as I had a food delivery due and said we could just drop it off in the parcel bin at the sorting office which is near our house (and which we would drive past). It was the return of a broken manufacturer part, but there was no need for us to get proof of posting.
No, he was adamant - we had to go to the post office.
He claimed it "said very clearly that it had to be scanned for proof of postage" on the label. It didn't. I knew it didn't as I had printed out and read the label in the first place. (Parcel was in the boot of the car at this point).
But DH insisted he was right and we wasted 40 minutes detouring to the post office in the morning rush hour.

When we got home I said again we could have saved time by just dropping it off at the sorting office. I pulled up the copy of the label on my phone and sure enough there was nothing AT ALL about dropping it off at a post office. DH just refused to engage and tried to suggest I had the wrong label.
WTF?
Why does he do this?
If he'd just said "I'd prefer to get a proof of postage" I would probably have grumbled but said 'OK then' but it's the fact that he LIES and that even when he's caught out refuses to admit it!

Why, just why?

I know so many men people that do this. Drives me mad. I've come up with many theories as to why*, but I still don't actually know.

They can't stand being wrong and a woman be right.
Their brains simply fill in the gaps because they're so convinced they're right (sort of like why witness statements are unreliable)
They decide the outcome first and don't fully concentrate, I.e. he assumed he'd need proof of postage and as that was a "belief" in his head he also assumed he must have seen it on the label.

No advice OP, sorry. Its infuriating.

Thanks @Sparklfairy

Yes, I agree with your analysis!

It's the back-peddling that goes on too. So that if they lie, and they then realise that you know they are lying, they'd rather
a) deny, deny, deny
b) minimise
c) create another lie to cover up the first

rather than simply say 'oh my bad, I made a mistake, sorry'

I didn't really care in this example much, although I could have done without wasting 40 mins. However it just makes my blood boil when DH insists he is right (and I know he isn't) and starts patronising me and denying what I know to be the actual facts!

Whenever I print off my own postage the label always says it needs to be scanned at the post office for proof of postage. Perhaps in this case it was a genuine mistake?

Sometimes, with some people and in certain situations I think it's also about control. It is easier for them to lie than to have the social communication skills to assert their needs or wishes. They lie to make us think what they want as a lazy incompetent short cut.

@KilljoysDutch

Whenever I print off my own postage the label always says it needs to be scanned at the post office for proof of postage. Perhaps in this case it was a genuine mistake?

This was a manufacturer's return label. It didn't say anything about getting a proof of postage.

I agree he could have made a mistake, but then surely the reasonable thing to do is admit it and says "oops sorry, I thought it said that, my mistake. Sorry for taking 40 mins out of your day that we didn't need to..."

@5475878237NC

Sometimes, with some people and in certain situations I think it's also about control. It is easier for them to lie than to have the social communication skills to assert their needs or wishes. They lie to make us think what they want as a lazy incompetent short cut.

Yes, 100% agree.

And also about self-perceptions i.e. "I never admit to being wrong"

All I know is I can't stand liars.

It is a MASSIVE personality flaw.

People who lie are NOT trustworthy or dependable.

Complete deal breaker IMO.

I appreciate not everyone feels the same.
I would put up with a lot of things but being a liar is not one of them.

It's because he just can't be wrong and you can't possibly be right.

I mean this doesn’t seem like a lie per say. Just a mistake and a stubbornness not to back down. Which is equally annoying,

What other types of lies?

What @billy1966 said. It’s not a small thing.

I had one of these. He’d lie about anything and insist black was white just to as not to be or have been wrong about anything, even the tiniest things. It drive me completely mad as I’m quite blunt and analytical and I just couldn’t understand how he could do thei barefaced lying rather than just say “oh sorry you were right”. Part of the problem was that he was also quite impractical and clueless so was often making mistakes and hence often embarking on ridiculous lying to try to deny it.

I agree with all the posters below but it took me a long time to make sense of it and realise that he actually believed his own lies, because he couldn’t bear to ever be in the wrong.

We’d have massive arguments where I’d try to untangle the reality of the situation and he’s just lie more and more and I’d get more and more frustrated and furious. Then he’d play the victim because I was being mean to him. To be fair I did get angry and shout. It did my head in because it was effectively gaslighting but he actually believed it.

There were other problems too but the lying was the killer in the end.

He wanted proof of postage which is sensible, he thought you would moan.

DP used to do this and frankly he’s a shit liar so I always found out in the end. For example, If I asked if he’d posted my parcel, he’d say yes when in fact he’d forgotten and was planning to do it the next day. Just really small little lies that really didn’t matter because he couldn’t be bothered to tell the truth.

I gave him an ultimatum in the end and told him I didn’t trust anything he told me because he was always telling these little stupid lies. That was about 2 years ago and to my knowledge he’s not lied since.

But as op says, he could have just had a straight up discussion. “I know you’d rather not take the time but I really want to get proof of postage”. Suggest a compromise where he goes alone and drops OP off. Or whatever. If she disagrees/moans, address the issues and try to find a solution.

The lying might seem like a way to deal with it but when you know you’re being lied to, it creates mistrust and disrespect in every situation because you know you can’t trust the person.

Fizzy I gave mine an ultimatum too but he kept doing it!

An interesting one, because if I was posting something back I would want proof of postage.

Dp would be like you 'just put it in the post box', which I wouldn't want to do as I would be anxious something would happen to it.

I feel better knowing I have proof of purchase. I can forget about it then.

I can imagine, not too long ago, if dp was saying 'it will take too long, I don't want to do it' I would then feel I had to come with an excuse as to why it needed to be done like that. Because I feel stupid saying 'I want proof of postage because it will be on my mind if I don't' and I wouldnt want to have, even, a small conflict over it

Now, I would simply say 'that's fine I will drop you off so you are home and go on my own', then everyone gets what they want.

Better than making excuses or small lies, in the long run.

My ex did this. FYI he lied about big stuff too… don’t kid yourself that your Dh isn’t too.

I’m my exes case it was for an easy life. Exactly the same as his dad.

He is effectively correct - the PO will scan the manufacturer's barcode on the label and this will automatically generate a POP receipt.

I'm trying to remember other occasions when I've caught him out lying - some small, some not so small. One of the less small ones was when DS was about 7 and DH was meant to pick up DS & a neighbour's child from school. He forgot to wait for the other child. Got halfway home then I think DS said "we didn't get X" and they went back.
In that 10-15 mins

• School phoned other parent to ask who was picking up X
• X's parent phoned me to ask if I'd forgotten

Yet when I asked "did you forget to pick up X" he lied and said no and then when Ds piped up "yes we did!" tried to make out they were just late.

@Ariela

He is effectively correct - the PO will scan the manufacturer's barcode on the label and this will automatically generate a POP receipt.

Yes, but the argument was about whether it was necessary to get a POP in the first place. (It wasn't, so we didn't need to traipse to the post office).

Wearing my amateur psychologist hat. He probably wasn’t given any credit for owning up to anything when he was a kid. So he may just as well lie. Instead of being taught we all make mistakes and we need to apologise and make it up if possible, he was punished for doing it whether he owned up or not.

I used to have a female boss who was/is a pathological liar

She told me barefaced lies even though she KNEW that I knew the truth. She lied about EVERYTHING. Never really knew why she did it.

In the end I couldn't stand it any longer and told her to shove her job (for that and many other reasons). That was 8 years ago, I'm so much happier these days. I hate liars.

But at first he said he wanted to. Then you said no.

Look he may be just a liar, but from the outside I see it as a communication or avoidance issue.

He wanted to this you refused to 'traipse' to the post office. Rather than one of you suggesting that you get dropped off and he goes back, he made something up so he could do it how he wanted. But you ended up having to go with him.

The 'did you forget x' is again, trying to avoid conflict. No, it's not great and it's just causing more problems so I am not excusing it. But, again, if I wanted to do do what your dh wanted to and dp was saying 'no' there was a time I would have done the same as your dh.

However, I had counselling that helped me gain confidence to say 'I would prefer to do x, so how do we both end up happy' and know its ok, that I want to do x.

I think we can all agree he’s avoiding conflict. And an occasional “white” lie to avoid conflict is something most people do. But lying habitually when the person you are lying to knows you’re lying, is not a great strategy. It means they feel disrespected, lose respect for you and can’t ever trust you.

As hekatestorch says, you can learn to own your feelings and discuss things - conflict of interest or even making a mistake doesn’t have to be a disaster.