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Original poster

DH lies about stupid little things, but it irritates me.

71 replies

Jng1 · 05/08/2021 11:26

That's it really. I've sort of known he does this for a long time, but recently I've started calling him out on it because it pisses me off that he thinks he can get away with it.
On the surface it mostly seems small, irrelevant things that don't really matter, but it's the pattern of behaviour that worries/annoys me (i.e. if he lies about this, what else is he lying about?)

E.g. this morning he said we had to make a detour through town to drop off a parcel at the post office. I didn't want to have to waste time getting caught up in traffic/ finding parking as I had a food delivery due and said we could just drop it off in the parcel bin at the sorting office which is near our house (and which we would drive past). It was the return of a broken manufacturer part, but there was no need for us to get proof of posting.
No, he was adamant - we had to go to the post office.
He claimed it "said very clearly that it had to be scanned for proof of postage" on the label. It didn't. I knew it didn't as I had printed out and read the label in the first place. (Parcel was in the boot of the car at this point).
But DH insisted he was right and we wasted 40 minutes detouring to the post office in the morning rush hour.

When we got home I said again we could have saved time by just dropping it off at the sorting office. I pulled up the copy of the label on my phone and sure enough there was nothing AT ALL about dropping it off at a post office. DH just refused to engage and tried to suggest I had the wrong label.
WTF?
Why does he do this?
If he'd just said "I'd prefer to get a proof of postage" I would probably have grumbled but said 'OK then' but it's the fact that he LIES and that even when he's caught out refuses to admit it!

Why, just why?

OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 05/08/2021 14:11

I agree it’s conflict avoidance.

In future OP just respond with “look let’s not waste any more time on this pretending we both don’t know you’re lying. You’re not 5- use your words.”

SarahDarah · 05/08/2021 14:23

@billy1966

All I know is I can't stand liars.

It is a MASSIVE personality flaw.

People who lie are NOT trustworthy or dependable.

Complete deal breaker IMO.

I appreciate not everyone feels the same.
I would put up with a lot of things but being a liar is not one of them.

This. I'm astonished anyone would choose to marry someone who's a habitual liar.

Others are right there could be a deeper issue with him which could be resolved by counselling so it's worth a try OP @Jng1

Colourmeclear · 05/08/2021 17:05

I think quite a few men have no tolerance to feeling shame so will build all sorts of constructs to prevent it, lying, rage, denial, blaming others, ignoring you etc.

He may have felt ashamed at wanting POP perhaps through anxiety, or at getting it wrong and ashamed at forgetting the other child. Accepting that he made a mistake or having acknowledge this would be unbearable to him so he pushes it away anyway he can. Their aversion to shame will be so great, that they would rather continue the pattern of lies, rage, create a different reality etc at the detriment to their relationships. If you raise the issue of what they are doing, they will perceive it as a threat so push back harder.

PussInBin20 · 05/08/2021 17:44

My DH was like this until we had a massive row about it a year ago (after many years together). It drove me insane that he simply could not just apologise for whatever it was rather than making stuff up on the spot. I told him I had less respect for him lying, than just admitting it/quick apology and move on.

The things were quite ridiculous too but it just made me not really believe other stuff that he said.

I recall one time I pointed out that he left the fridge door open. Instead of an “oops, sorry” response, I got an elaborate cover story of someone else must have moved an item inside causing it to jam open the door! It’s laughable but I think it does go back to how his Mother reacted to when he did things wrong, and he can’t bear to be seen to be in the wrong.

He is much better now though as I said I was more pissed off with him for the story than the actual issue in the first place!

LannieDuck · 05/08/2021 17:45

Couldn't stand this. The truth is important to me.

I'm reminded of the thread where the poster's husband said he'd filed his son's 11+ entrance exam. He hadn't, and the lie came crashing down around them :( I think the poster's son eventually managed to take the exam, but the consequences of a small lie were potentially huge.

nothanksbarb · 05/08/2021 18:37

I don't know if this is the same but DH has a tendency to make massive assumptions because he just 'knows' so and so. 'The shop we're going to is 100% down this road'. It's not. 'This is definitely the way back to our hotel I can just tell'. It wasn't, and we were in sweltering heat with our two kids. 'It definitely said to go to this place for the VERY important meeting'. Wrong place.

irishoak · 05/08/2021 18:38

@Colourmeclear

I think quite a few men have no tolerance to feeling shame so will build all sorts of constructs to prevent it, lying, rage, denial, blaming others, ignoring you etc.

He may have felt ashamed at wanting POP perhaps through anxiety, or at getting it wrong and ashamed at forgetting the other child. Accepting that he made a mistake or having acknowledge this would be unbearable to him so he pushes it away anyway he can. Their aversion to shame will be so great, that they would rather continue the pattern of lies, rage, create a different reality etc at the detriment to their relationships. If you raise the issue of what they are doing, they will perceive it as a threat so push back harder.

I think this is bang on.

My ex couldn't stand to be wrong/to not know something/to be questioned about something and would just lie constantly. It was exhausting to have to tiptoe around it and excuse it to myself and other people (he'd fly into a rage if called out). At it's best, it made things weird and awkward, and at it's worst, it cost me hundreds of pounds, risked my career, broken laws and meant I had to take an STD test.

Like another poster said, it won't just be the little things, you just won't have found out about the big things yet. And he probably won't be up front about them when you do.

nothanksbarb · 05/08/2021 18:39

@PussInBin20 yes this is spot on! I've said to DH before I don't care that you make a mistake or get something wrong but man up and just apologise

TheFoundations · 05/08/2021 20:55

@Colourmeclear and @Sparklfairy

This is not a feminist issue. Women lie/white lie too. It's not acceptable for either sex.

QueenPeary · 05/08/2021 21:06

There definitely are female habitual liars, but I suspect not being able to admit to failings/being wrong might be more common in men - just because women are socialised to be more apologetic, question themselves more etc.

TheFoundations · 05/08/2021 21:16

@QueenPeary

There definitely are female habitual liars, but I suspect not being able to admit to failings/being wrong might be more common in men - just because women are socialised to be more apologetic, question themselves more etc.
Women are socialised to be people pleasers. So they are just as likely to lie as men, but for different reasons. It's just as destructive for a relationship to lie because you're uncomfortable expressing what you really feel as it is to lie because you don't like being wrong. It's all lying.
Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2021 21:20

People who compulsively tell little lies always tell big ones, too. That's simply who they are. They are liars and can't be trusted with anything. I'm sorry, op, but your relationship with him is nothing but a sham.

Sparklfairy · 05/08/2021 21:51

@TheFoundations I didn't say it was? Over the years I've racked my brains as to what possible reason they have for doing this. It was one example that has crossed my mind based on my own experience but I did clearly say I still haven't found the answer.

Ripley1977 · 05/08/2021 22:10

@QueenPeary

But as op says, he could have just had a straight up discussion. “I know you’d rather not take the time but I really want to get proof of postage”. Suggest a compromise where he goes alone and drops OP off. Or whatever. If she disagrees/moans, address the issues and try to find a solution.

The lying might seem like a way to deal with it but when you know you’re being lied to, it creates mistrust and disrespect in every situation because you know you can’t trust the person.

Yip agree. Mine does the same and then gets annoyed with my trust issues. Weellll if you didnt bs me all the time!!! Angry
RantyAunty · 05/08/2021 22:13

He clearly wanted to go to the post office. I would have left him to it.
I don't get why you had to go with him.

IS0D0RA · 06/08/2021 05:27

@RantyAunty

He clearly wanted to go to the post office. I would have left him to it. I don't get why you had to go with him.
I’m amazed at how many people are totally missing the point of the thread.

It’s not about post offices or receipts. It’s about lying all the time and how that destroys trust.

TreeSmuggler · 06/08/2021 05:49

Yep this is so annoying. It's insulting as well as annoying, because it's making out like you are such an unreasonable ogre the only choice is to lie to survive, obviously not the case.

I've been with a habitual liar unfortunately. The weirdest time was when he went out to get a certain take out, he came with with a different one, say McDonald's vs Burger King. Now that's fine but just wondering, I asked "why didn't you go to McDonald's?". Instead of saying I changed my mind or whatever, he said "this is McDonald's". The name is written on the bloody wrapping! Did he think I had forgotten how to read? I didn't dignify that with a response at the time, but now I wish I'd just walked out and never come back.

HungryHippo11 · 06/08/2021 06:01

@DustyMaiden

He wanted proof of postage which is sensible, he thought you would moan.
Why not say "i want proof of postage for X reason" rather than lie that it was a requirement by the label?
icedcoffees · 06/08/2021 06:40

I don't see this as a lying issue.

I think he thought it needed PoP and didn't want to admit to being wrong. So even when confronted with it in black and white, he shut down.

It's a communication issue rather than an issue of outright lying imo.

TheFoundations · 06/08/2021 06:47

@icedcoffees

You're explaining the reason why he lied, and then saying it's not a lying issue. The fact is, he lied. It pissed OP off. Explaining his reasons doesn't change that, unless you think it's ok to lie, as long as it's because you don't want to admit to being wrong.

icedcoffees · 06/08/2021 07:13

[quote TheFoundations]@icedcoffees

You're explaining the reason why he lied, and then saying it's not a lying issue. The fact is, he lied. It pissed OP off. Explaining his reasons doesn't change that, unless you think it's ok to lie, as long as it's because you don't want to admit to being wrong.[/quote]
But I don't think he was lying Confused

My take on it is that he thought it needed PoP so insisted they go to the post office. OP didn't think it needed PoP but neither had any way to check as the parcel was in the boot of the car.

They arrive and it turns out OP was right but that doesn't mean he lied - he just got it wrong and was too embarrassed to admit he caused them to do a 40 minute detour for nothing.

Not wanting to admit you're wrong or being embarrassed about messing up isn't the same as being a liar.

DinosaurDiana · 06/08/2021 07:18

I started calling my DH out on his lies and pontifications. I got called a nag. So I learned to push it all down inside, and say what I wanted to say in my head.
That brings resentment, and that’s going to end any relationship.

Bancha · 06/08/2021 07:23

@Colourmeclear

I think quite a few men have no tolerance to feeling shame so will build all sorts of constructs to prevent it, lying, rage, denial, blaming others, ignoring you etc.

He may have felt ashamed at wanting POP perhaps through anxiety, or at getting it wrong and ashamed at forgetting the other child. Accepting that he made a mistake or having acknowledge this would be unbearable to him so he pushes it away anyway he can. Their aversion to shame will be so great, that they would rather continue the pattern of lies, rage, create a different reality etc at the detriment to their relationships. If you raise the issue of what they are doing, they will perceive it as a threat so push back harder.

Came here to say exactly this. It’s shame. It’s a pattern of behaviour that almost certainly goes back to his childhood.

@Jng1 do some reading about shame, it’ll help you understand the behaviour a bit more. Not saying it’ll make it any easier (I couldn’t live with this), but if you want to work on it you’ll need to come at it from a place of empathy for the child who learnt this pattern of behaviour to survive, to make himself acceptable when he was a child.

UpHillandDownAle · 06/08/2021 07:38

What are his family like? Could this be learned behaviour from his family? My DH family are like this. He learnt it wasn’t safe to be honest about what you wanted or to admit you’ve made a mistake. Who ever told the most convincing/palatable version of events or brazen it out the most was the child least attacked. The most crazy example is a second cousin who reversed out of our driveway and hit our wall, knocking some of it off. She stopped, looked at the wall, and then just carried on pretending she hadn’t done it. She knew I knew she’d done it as I was waving her off at the time. It was just so odd and made me realise that’s how my DH got taught to deal with shame and conflict. It changed how I viewed it just enough to make me stay and not finish our relationship (I have a lot of damage from my own childhood and act in ways I wish I could stop myself sometimes and my own childhood has left me with a hatred of lying and story spinning) - it became his damage rather than my trust issue and I helped him with it.when I stopped attacking him for his instinctive behaviour, he discovered how much hate and fear he had inside himself as result of behaving this way and how when he felt unvalidated and frustrated he behaved in small but important ways that were way outside who he’d wanted to be. He wanted to act differently but didn’t feel he knew how.
It still happens occasionally now. He says something that’s clearly or subtly a lie when he feels I’m attacking him and he gets a massive instinctive fear response, I fly into there is nothing worse than lying and we row. We’ve give it a name and he feels safe enough now to say even mid row, yeah shit I panic lied and we move on.
If it was anyone else I would have walked away without a backward glance but my DH is a fabulous person. This behaviour was so obviously caused by damage and he wanted to stop it as much as I did - so it was worth sticking around and making it work.

UpHillandDownAle · 06/08/2021 07:40

Crossed posts @Bancha - that’s a good explanation.

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