Don't like the way husband talks to our son

[BrokenArrows]

Long back story that I will try and make brief. Several years ago my husband nearly died. He and my son have always been very close, so husband's absence for a couple weeks while he was in the hospital really affected him. I'm pretty sure husband has PTSD from it all, but refuses to speak to anyone about it and constantly says he's fine. Husband also has a temper and looses it quite often, especially when my son (suspected ADHD but husband refuses to accept this and get him tested) won't listen and do as he's told. Husband is struggling to cope with being a parent of two although he is a very good dad most of the time and does loads dor the kids, his temper flares up and he can get nasty.

My husband often feels that he 'deserves more credit' for being such an amazing parent (don't ask me what this means becuase I've asked him and he can't give me an answer). He will often get upset and say things to our son like "when I'm gone I hope you realise how much I've done for you" or "one day I won't be here". I think this is a horribe thing to say to our son who very nearly lost his dad.

This evening husband was calling our son up to come have a shower before bed. Probably had to call him up 5-6 times and then finally got angry at our son. As son was climbing up the stairs husband yelled down to him "maybe I shouldn't be here" to which my son angrily replied "well maybe I shouldn't be here". Husband got angry and yelled don't say that, to which I replied to him "don't you say that Where do you think he gets it from". So then husband got angry and me for saying that about him. Then yelled down to our son "great, now look what you've done." Son didn't really even hear me when I told my husband that, and didn't understand so said to my husband "what do you mean?" Husband replies with "you've turned mum against me now!"

This is not the first time something like this has happened. When husamd yells at our son and our son says sorry, my husband throws it back in his face and says things like "if you were sorry you wouldn't have done it" and "sorry doesn't cut it"

Massive hugs. I’ve been through this with my Dh who nearly died. For a couple of years afterwards it was awful, with comments just as you describe, including the ‘sorry’ and trying to drive a wedge. . I think it was anxiety and working it all out, also they can become very selfish, and very depressive. I think it’s to do with the fear of nearly dying, life no longer being trustworthy, anxiety at being responsible and just overwhelm and confusion. It’s a lot to work out.
but obviously it’s very very difficult for you as you tryr to protect your son.
What helped me in the end was finding an amazing therapist ( pm me if you like). Previously id tried to understand him and therapist had said,’leave him’. But I thought this would cause more problems.
This therapist started off by getting me to ask the kids to help with the washing up or something small. Obviously there was more to it, but it somehow built up my confidence until I could calmly leave the room and not engage when he was being shouting. Not saying anything, just leaving when he behaved badly and praising when he did good. A bit like training a toddler!
Somehow this had a knock on effect much more than my challenging him - which was always thrown back at me,’well you do x and y’. And ended up in a row where I didn’t understand the rules and came off badly.Now I just ignore him and leave the room and he is finally calming down and learning that it doesn’t work. Wierdly he is also becoming less of a victim as well. I don’t know at all if this is similar to you, or even much use, but I hope it might be. I can give you therapists number if you like. She is expensive, but offers cut price rates to people who are really suffering.
I would also make sure you spend time alone with son - not to comment on dad at all but to just be a reassuring calm figure. We now have very definite routines that son needs. He gets anxious if they change.
It might be an idea to explain to son how dad had a nasty scare and doesn’t know how to deal with it and may not always choose the best way. I would also try and get husband to counselling. It’s a massive thing to go through and unless you have been through it, impossible to comprehend the terror, especially if you feel responsible for your family. Overwhelm, shame, fear, anxiety..not an easy mix to deal with! As he won’t go to counselling- mine won’t either, go yourself. It has honestly changed our lives.
You may be able to get him to a counsellor by suggesting it will help with a promotion/ difficult colleague or even improve his golf ( or similar!) once there, a therapist will quickly get to the root of the problem.
A family is a system. Work on changing one thing that you do - and everything else will change too.
Good luck. It’s very hard, and make sure you tell yourself how well you are doing. You really are.

Ok so your DH has issues. BUT it really doesn't matter much if he's being abusive (which he is) as a result of issues or because he's horrible, the end result is the same. DH needs to get help or he'll damage DC with his abuse. DH also needs to accept DC may be ill too, if he doesn't he'll damage DC by DC not getting the help he needs. This would be a deal breaker for me. He either sorts out his MH shit that's causing him to behave this way, or he takes his shitty attitude and fucks off. There's no way I'd tolerate this.

Oh and the "father of the year", "you should be grateful" attitude will be because he's pulling his weight with the parenting. So many men don't that he thinks it makes him special. It doesn't. It makes him ordinary and those others spectacularly shit. He's got a sense of entitlement here and that's never good. I know he's unwell, but mothers get unwell too and they have to carry on regardless, without being fussed over and given a medal for it. What he's doing isn't anything exceptional in terms of achievement.

Gosh I wouldn't tolerate this, have you sat down and spoke about his twatish behaviour?

How old is your son?

I’ve nearly died too, but I don’t treat my children and family like that.

Oh lord - a child in the middle of that sort of conversation, never mind what it is about, is essentially being manipulated. The sort of "Look what you have done, you have made your mother cross with me" is sheer torture for children. I know - I spent my whole childhood tiptoeing round that sort of exchange - it is hell.

Well, it could all work out ok, or it could not. No one really knows, but it will have an affect. You can’t change your DH so, what are you going to do about it?

@Summerdayshaze

How old is your son?

I’ve nearly died too, but I don’t treat my children and family like that.

Yeh it's a bullshit excuse. Selfish people are selfish. Abusive people are abusive. Poor mental health doesn't make someone selfish or abusive if it wasn't already in their personality, poor MH just makes them unable to hide it any more.

It's 100% emotional abuse and your poor son doesn't deserve any of it

Your son is the vulnerable part of this dynamic. You need to put the needs or welfare of your child first. He is only 9. Your husband needs to acknowledge his problem and do something about it as he is the responsible adult. His behaviour and words are affecting all of you. You are not the referee between two equals. Your husband needs to seek help with his words and or behaviour. That would work towards solving the problem. You can facilitate change e.g. accompany to appointments for therapy but you are then facilitating change and not a referee. It is up to your husband to put in the work to change his behaviour. Your role as Mum and protector comes first. If your husband fails to take on board his emotional impact on you and the children you need to reassess your relationship with him.

Jesus this sounds awful OP. It seems like a bad situation all around and it sounds like your family might need to see a professional, as an impartial mediator without your husband thinking youre "ganging up on him"

Your husband is being hugely abusive towards you all.

Your poor son is clearly distressed.

I think you need to tell your husband he gets help or moves out.

Can he move out somewhere to give you a break.

He sounds really awful.

Do not underestimate your sons stress.

Your husband is emotionally blackmailing your child. Don't allow it!

Also, just take your child to get tested for ADHD. Seriously. It's better he know than feeling terrible about yet another thing.

You said you have a bad memory- do you have ADHD too?

Can you get some family therapy, with or, (and I suspect it will be) without your husband.
This is very damaging behaviour. He is blaming your poor son utterly erroneously for so called falling out with you. "Look what you made me do", senario.As a PP said, poor MH only makes someone who is abusive, unable to hide it.This is very good advice. Take it. Poor you and your poor DC
Take the example of your son not being able to recognise the value of an apology very, very seriously. .

Some life threatening events can have longer term physical effects. As an example I had severe pancreatitis. Survived. Started to recover at home -caught covid. I put the awful fatigue, joint pain, constant headaches, brain fog, irritability and plain snappishness down to post-covid and way too many close friends and family dying. It was not getting better- if anything it was slowly getting worse.
GP since called in hospital records and went a bit nuts that I had not had follow on blood tests [had some deranged results from being so ill] and has since organised a heap of blood tests. Not being able to fully absorb all I need from a healthy diet is behind the surface symptoms of brain fog, irritability, tiredness, snappiness et al. It’s got so bad I am not working at present until the GP can help sort this out, No easy answers but it might be worth suggesting he consider a physical health MOT with the GP.

We nearly lost husband/dad. It’s life-changing, particularly for the person who survived. Takes some coming to terms with.
Your husband needs professional help. 💐

I think children often act up when they live with an abuser. It’s almost as if their brain goes into a freeze where they are so panicked about the next argument that they cannot do the small thing they’ve been asked to do. I used notice my daughter freezing up when her dad started escalating. He used to then think this was to provoke him and the cycle continued.
Would a trial separation and counselling be something he’d consider? So you could devote some time into nurturing your son and your husband can work on his anger?

Your DH needs professional help to process nearly dying, hospitals discharge people when they are physically ready, but it's baffling that mental health support isn't offered as routine. Not that it excuses his behaviour, but it would most certainly help, especially as your son is of an age where his understanding of what he acts like that and says what he does to him won't be taken as ah he's recovering still. Has your son been able to access any support as well? It's traumatising for all involved.

Wow I’m sorry but that has got my back up, big time. And I don’t even know you personally.

Your husband behaviour is damaging your son. I would not be standing for this whatsoever.

Your son will end up a people pleaser and it seems like your husband is moulding him into someone who thinks he needs to manage other peoples feelings namely your husbands.

Your husband is accountable for his own actions, your son Isn’t accountable for this.

Goodness, I feel so so sorry for your son I bet he feels absolutely worthless.

I’d be considering leaving him. He obviously thinks it’s acceptable to treat your son like that and sorry but I would not be having someone mentally abuse my child. But then again if a divorce came around, then I’m sure your husband would find a way to make your son believe he is responsible.

Thanks you all for your replies. I did't think his behavior was normal, and it's been bothering me for a long time. I can see my son's behavior starting to changing and he's starting to become angrier and more frustrated with certain things. It's scary and upsetting.

I would like to see if I can get my son in for some councelling, but not sure how to go about it with the NHS and also not sure how to be able to do it without my husband getting angry with me. I worry so much for him. But even if I say things like that (how I'm concerned for my son) my husband throws it back in my face and tells me to "be a parent" and tells me how I'm never around and don't know what's going on. I had a few weeks of councelling myself on the NHS and to be honest I felt like it was a bit pointless. It was just me blabbing away crying for an house each week saying what my husband does to upset me and how he puts me down all the time. Yes it was good to get it off my shoulders. But nothing changed. My husband doesn't know I had the sessions.

Can anyone advise on how I can get my son some help?

@spotcheck yes, I strongly believe I had ADHD as well. I'm waiting to get tested. Husband does not beleive in ADHD and refuses to have my son tested. He has got incredible angry with me every time I have suggested my son might have it and when I've said I wanted to have him tested. My memory is terrible and I have ended up making notes about arguments and also recording them on my phone so I can refer back to them. I've just taken a look and these are some of the things my husband says to my son when he gets frustrated.

I'm done
I'm done with you
I'm leaving
I've had enough
What's going on with you
What's wrong with you
I give up with you
I put too much effort into everyone and get nothing back in return.
One day youre going to turn around and i'm not going to be here.
Stop banging You say people hate you. They dont, but when banging like that all the time it's like you don't want people around you.

He also says nasty things to me when he's frustrated:

You need to make more money
You don't have what it takes to run a business
You just need to try harder
You don't remember becuase it's not important to you
Son would have had a much better time if he went to Centre Parcs with me
You need to contribute more
Mayde you should quite your job and just work retail
This is unacceptable. You're killing me.
Sorry doesn't mean anyhting
You don't care
You're in your own world
I don't get you
You cause me so much stress
We're not meant to be together
You're holding me back
You need to step up and be a parent
You don't care about the kids otherwise you would have know XYZ
I'm done with you
You're no help
I will never forgive the stress you put me through
You bring everyone down with your negative energy
Don't roll your eyes at me. No wonder you have those lines on your forhead
You're so uneducated
Do you know X's wife is only 33 and makes £50k

I think you have an abuser there OP, sorry.

Are you sure none of these attitudes or behaviours existed before his illness?

Your last post is awful. Why are you getting counselling for your son instead of removing the abuse he is suffering?
Time to toughen up and put your children first. Throw out your abusive husband before he does more damage to you and your children.

@JanFebAnyMonth

Are you sure none of these attitudes or behaviours existed before his illness?

It's hard to remember that far back. I know I haven't liked how I'd noticed him speaking to his mum for quite a few years. Belittling her and calling her stupid, saying are you deaf, etc. She can be quite difficult and stubborn I agree. But the way he speaks to her is totally uncalled for. When she's been visting from overseas at our place he will yell at her to the point he makes her cry. I feel so awkward. I'm not that close to her, and feel really caught in the middle of it all.

He yells at her and talks down to her in front of my son and there is now a clear difference between the way my son talks to my husbands mum and my mum. My son has also tried to speak to me rudely but I always put my foot down at that and correct him and say he is not to talk to me that way.

My husband I think has also got worse with the added stress of two children. My son winds my younger DC up and the two of them are constantly bickering. He was an only child and has never experienced sibling behavior like this. Or second DC is also quite stubborn and strong willed in comparison to our first.

He runs his own business and I am currently still WFH. He does the bulk of the parening during the day because i'm working and he holds this against me very strongly. I get that he is stressed out and trying to run his business, but at the end of the day I have to report into a business and deliver things. I don't answer to my self. He struggles with this concept as he has never worked in a corporate office. If I say I need to go back upstairs I have a phone call now, he'll roll his eyes and say of course. It's always another phone call. All of this would have been carried out in an office before and in meetings. But now he puts e down for struggling to try and do my job. My concentration and confidence has dropped to an all time low now, so much so it's affecting my work.

OP why do you stay with this horrid man?