Don't like the way husband talks to our son

[BrokenArrows]

Long back story that I will try and make brief. Several years ago my husband nearly died. He and my son have always been very close, so husband's absence for a couple weeks while he was in the hospital really affected him. I'm pretty sure husband has PTSD from it all, but refuses to speak to anyone about it and constantly says he's fine. Husband also has a temper and looses it quite often, especially when my son (suspected ADHD but husband refuses to accept this and get him tested) won't listen and do as he's told. Husband is struggling to cope with being a parent of two although he is a very good dad most of the time and does loads dor the kids, his temper flares up and he can get nasty.

My husband often feels that he 'deserves more credit' for being such an amazing parent (don't ask me what this means becuase I've asked him and he can't give me an answer). He will often get upset and say things to our son like "when I'm gone I hope you realise how much I've done for you" or "one day I won't be here". I think this is a horribe thing to say to our son who very nearly lost his dad.

This evening husband was calling our son up to come have a shower before bed. Probably had to call him up 5-6 times and then finally got angry at our son. As son was climbing up the stairs husband yelled down to him "maybe I shouldn't be here" to which my son angrily replied "well maybe I shouldn't be here". Husband got angry and yelled don't say that, to which I replied to him "don't you say that Where do you think he gets it from". So then husband got angry and me for saying that about him. Then yelled down to our son "great, now look what you've done." Son didn't really even hear me when I told my husband that, and didn't understand so said to my husband "what do you mean?" Husband replies with "you've turned mum against me now!"

This is not the first time something like this has happened. When husamd yells at our son and our son says sorry, my husband throws it back in his face and says things like "if you were sorry you wouldn't have done it" and "sorry doesn't cut it"

I should also say that he still talks to his mum multiple times a week, and for the most part they're good. It's more stressful when she comes here. He says he talks to her because he can't talk to me. But when we try and talk it usually ends in a one sided argument becuase he won't let me speak. He thinks he's super close to his mum, and he is also very close to my son - despite the put downs. He's always trying to plan special things for him and does all kinds of activities with him. So he's normally a really good dad. Except when he gets nasty. But my bad memory usually has me blanking out the nastiness most of the time

@namechange30455

OP why do you stay with this horrid man?

I don't have the confidence or financial security to leave

I tend to blank out the bad most of the time. He says all of his stresses and anger is because he's trying to provide the best for us. And I do beliee he's trying to provide the best for us. But I just don't like how nasty he is anymore. I also stay becuase I feel like if I wasn't around and he had the kids he would poison their minds against me - much like he does when he said to my son "look you've made mum angry with me".

I'm not originally from this country and I don't have any family here. Not many friends either. I don't know how I'd cope. I have very bad anxiety and the thought of me on my own is super scary. My suspected ADHD doesn't help the situation. I can be quite irrisponsible and forgetful. I don't even have any savings.

When you become a parent your responsibilities change-you are trying to get counseling for an abused child and not removing the child from the situation! It's like buying new shoes for someone with a broken leg-yeah they'll be comfy and look nice but until the leg is healed you're not helping the patient! Your child is nine years young and by age 18 you may have lost him to drugs,alcohol,self harm or he'll g trying up to be an abusive SOB like dear old Dad!

I've had near death situations in my personal life but I sure as hell never weapon used it on a defenseless child and have been treated for PTSD

"Or he'll end up being an abusive sob like dear old Dad" sorry for typos

@Winenota

Massive hugs. I’ve been through this with my Dh who nearly died. For a couple of years afterwards it was awful, with comments just as you describe, including the ‘sorry’ and trying to drive a wedge. . I think it was anxiety and working it all out, also they can become very selfish, and very depressive. I think it’s to do with the fear of nearly dying, life no longer being trustworthy, anxiety at being responsible and just overwhelm and confusion. It’s a lot to work out. but obviously it’s very very difficult for you as you tryr to protect your son. What helped me in the end was finding an amazing therapist ( pm me if you like). Previously id tried to understand him and therapist had said,’leave him’. But I thought this would cause more problems. This therapist started off by getting me to ask the kids to help with the washing up or something small. Obviously there was more to it, but it somehow built up my confidence until I could calmly leave the room and not engage when he was being shouting. Not saying anything, just leaving when he behaved badly and praising when he did good. A bit like training a toddler! Somehow this had a knock on effect much more than my challenging him - which was always thrown back at me,’well you do x and y’. And ended up in a row where I didn’t understand the rules and came off badly.Now I just ignore him and leave the room and he is finally calming down and learning that it doesn’t work. Wierdly he is also becoming less of a victim as well. I don’t know at all if this is similar to you, or even much use, but I hope it might be. I can give you therapists number if you like. She is expensive, but offers cut price rates to people who are really suffering. I would also make sure you spend time alone with son - not to comment on dad at all but to just be a reassuring calm figure. We now have very definite routines that son needs. He gets anxious if they change. It might be an idea to explain to son how dad had a nasty scare and doesn’t know how to deal with it and may not always choose the best way. I would also try and get husband to counselling. It’s a massive thing to go through and unless you have been through it, impossible to comprehend the terror, especially if you feel responsible for your family. Overwhelm, shame, fear, anxiety..not an easy mix to deal with! As he won’t go to counselling- mine won’t either, go yourself. It has honestly changed our lives. You may be able to get him to a counsellor by suggesting it will help with a promotion/ difficult colleague or even improve his golf ( or similar!) once there, a therapist will quickly get to the root of the problem. A family is a system. Work on changing one thing that you do - and everything else will change too. Good luck. It’s very hard, and make sure you tell yourself how well you are doing. You really are.

Excellent post, I hope it helps the OP.

I know I haven't liked how I'd noticed him speaking to his mum for quite a few years. Belittling her and calling her stupid, saying are you deaf, etc. She can be quite difficult and stubborn I agree. But the way he speaks to her is totally uncalled for. When she's been visting from overseas at our place he will yell at her to the point he makes her cry.

This is absolutely disgusting, his poor mum.

OP while I appreciate that his experience nearly dying may have ramped things up, he sounds like he was already an arsehole.

Already abusive and this is the perfect excuse to make you question yourself, feel sorry for him and feel torn about how he speaks to your son.

It boils down to one thing - your husband is a bully. Your husband bullies women and children in his life to make himself feel better. Can you imagine feeling better by making someone else (let alone a child) feel like shit? No. Because you're nice and you're normal.

He's a bully. If I witnessed a man speak to his mum that way I couldn't get away from him quick enough. His new target is your son because he already has low self esteem (thinking people don't like him etc is heartbreaking) and always available because he's under the same roof - so is an easy target.

Protect your son's self worth. Which needs building back up already. If you don't, he'll vote with his feet when he's old enough and you may well end up with a son who wants to be low contact or god forbid a son who soaks up how his dad treats women and mirrors that in his own adult relationships.

I don't have the confidence or financial security to leave

But your poor son is rapidly losing his confidence and hasn't got any choice in this whereas you do. His dad yells at him often enough it's an issue you're having to consider. That isn't normal. It really isn't. Good dads don't frequently yell at one of their kids, saying hurtful things and manipulating them. It's pathetic and cruel. He's NOT a good dad.

Ring or chat online with Women’s Aid OP, they’ll help you think things through and also know where to get help from.
www.refuge.org.uk/get-involved/contact-us/

How old is yr DS?

Is yr DH also from overseas?

Even if you don’t have indefinite leave to remain or citizenship, there is help available for you.

You could also
Go and talk to your GP about how you’re feeling / about the effect on yr DS
Speak to the safeguarding head at his school (when holidays are over)

Do you have any close friends you could confide in?

OP, unless you need therapy to get you into the mindset that you need to leave (maybe because you don't understand how bad his behaviour is), then any therapy is going to be useless until after you've left.

You can't process the situation when you're still in the middle of it. You need to end the bad situation (by leaving him) then you can deal with your emotions about it using therapy.

Otherwise you'd be using the sessions as an emotional crutch, to allow you to offload, so you can return home able to tolerate some more abuse. This isn't helpful for you or DC.

You help DC by getting him out of that environment to a place he's not being abused. Then you get him therapy, so he can learn how people are supposed to behave and deal with all his feelings about what's happened.

There's nothing at all you can do to stop your husband being angry. Anything you do will be wrong in his eyes, because that's how abusers work, that's the way they want it, them right and you wrong, so they can lord their supposed superiority over you. And even then they're not happy! Nothing you can do will ever be enough for him.

Sorry to say this but by staying you're neglecting your DC. If social services knew how DC was being treated, he'd be removed from your care unless you agreed to remove DC from your husband's presence ie live somewhere else with DC. That's how serious this is.

It's not a question of you trying harder to persuade your husband to get help, or trying harder to get him to agree to allow DC to be assessed for ADHD. The first is your husband's responsibility to sort out, not yours, and he doesn't want to sort it out, he's made his choice. The second is your responsibility as a parent, you don't need his permission to get DC health investigated.

If your husband gets angry tough shit, his anger is his problem to deal with not yours. If his behaviour is appalling kick him out/leave him, if you need to then call 999. Preventing his anger isn't where your energies should be focused. Your energy should be focused on your DC welfare and your own welfare.

He sounds toxic. Abusive. What a dick.

Do you realise it's entirely possible that maybe neither you or your DC has ADHD and your problems could be entirely the result of your husband's abuse? If you do have ADHD there's medical help for that.

Talk to Women's Aid about your situation. They are amazingly helpful. Social services would also have ways to help you exit this relationship and protect your DC from further abuse. So don't be afraid of them finding out what's happening. Do you realise your husband's behaviour is a crime?

Do you have friends or family in another country who would support you to leave this relationship and not try to persuade you to get back together with him?

If you need to get together some money, is there anything you have which you can sell? I mean that you can physically sell by yourself, not can you ask your husband's permission to sell. Don't ask his permission and don't tell him you're gathering savings.

I agree with others, your husband is abusive.

I grew up in an abusive household, my dad was like your husband, my mum didn't leave him until I was at uni. I've always resented her for it and it has driven a wedge between us.

I have ADHD and my daughter does too. We're a 'no shouty' house and live a fairly stress-free existence as a family. We've also worked out our stressors and plan to reduce them as much as possible. For example, I exercise regularly to boost my mood and we all pop off for a bit of alone time when needed. On the other hand, my next-door neighbours are like you - the son and wife has ADHD and the husband screams and shouts, esp in reaction to his sons disability needs all the time. The son's a mess - as he's in a constant state of fear it's exasperated his disability issues. As such, your husband is likely to be making both his sons and your issues worse.

If you're interested in having your son tested I would put some money aside and go private. The NHS waiting list in my area is 2.5 years. This company may be able to recommend a child assessor - adultadhdliverpool.co.uk/appointments-pricing/pricing/

I agree with others re contacting womens aid. I wish my mum had taken action when I was a child. I was first put on depression tablets when I was only 12 years old tried to commit suicide at 14 etc. It took decades to undo what my parents did to me.

I know this is hard for you and wish you all the best.

This was so hard to read. Your husband needs urgent help. You need to protect your son from this abuse.

My husband suffered a trauma many years ago. Afterwards his behaviour spiralled. He became cold and abusive towards me and our son. He sought help when our marriage was hanging by a thread. He was diagnosed with PTSD and attended weekly therapy and EMDR treatment. It took years for him to recover but he is now the same kind man I married.

Please seek help. Go to your GP. For the sake of your poor innocent son.

Your husband is abusive and you need to remove your children from the toxicity.

Don't accept any excuses for his appalling behaviour. Seek out the help you need to safeguard them.

Echoing what others have said. Your husband is abusive and it will be affecting your children.

You have a responsibility to keep your children safe so even if you haven't the means to leave now, please look into WomensAid or a local charity to support victims of domestic abuse.

all museumsandgalleries666, thanks for that!
I’m afraid your He does sound awful, I agree. I’m shocked by how he talks. That constant drip drip will erode you completely in time.
It’s very very hard to deal with.there is so much going on. I would definitely follow the advise to talk to woman’s aid. They are very experienced. And incredibly helpful.
I would still seek counselling because it can help, but it does sound like you need to try everything, and soon.

Goodness, I actually thought the first post wasn't that bad and was definitely salvageable but seeing how he speaks to you 😬 that's really, really bad. Emotionally abusive. This is not a nice man and I can't see any way around it besides leaving.

He doesn't need help.
Your son does. He is being abused.

You MUST sort this out for him (and you).
You are both being abused!!!!!!!!

Nearly dying is no excuse for this kind of appalling behaviour. It makes me go cold reading the things he does to your child. Fucking hell.

Get out of there. Call women's aid. The Council etc etc. Damn.

Thank you for all of the replies. This is just really hard becuase I feel like I don't know how to survive on my own, and most of the time my husband is a pretty good dad. I feel like I should't give up on our family so easily and upset our family unit. I realise that the way my husband is sometimes is harmful to my son, so it makes me so upset to think I'm damaging him by keeping him here. But I feel like I would be damaging my kids more if I left my husband.

I don't have any family or friends I can lean on here. It's all his family who are here. And he is even pushing most of them away becuase he feels wronged by them becuase he's not been given enough attention by them after his near death experience. They tried to give him attention and show that they cared, but my husband didn't like the way they went about it and is now very bitter with them.

I only work 4 days a week and make less that £30k. I live in a pretty well to do area with well to do friends and my children go to private school. I feel like by leaving, we would no longer be able to afford private school (my husband prides himself on the fact he can send them and my son loves his school and friends). I feel like they would both hold me responsible for uprooting their life and changing things like the school and living situation negatively for my kids. It's so hard. I know people will say it's not healthy to stay. But my son really loves my husband and I feel like leaving would be worse than staying at this point. If I left we would have to share custody and my husband would take any chance he could get to talk bad about me when I wasn't around.

Thanks to those who urged me to call Women's Aid though. I will do that just to see what they have to say and maybe so I can get a bit better understandign of what my options are. I really have no idea how council homes work or benefits, or anything like that. It's all very scary to me becuase I wouldn't be able to sustain the lifestyle for my kids that they have now. I feel so lost and vulnerable

How old is your son?

I know people will say it's not healthy to stay. But my son really loves my husband and I feel like leaving would be worse than staying at this point.

Many, many kids love their abusive parents. For years and years and years.

That why making a decision to keep kids living in the same home as an abusive parent is an adult decision not a kids one.

I understand the fear re shared custody but your child can either live in an abusive home 100% of the time like now or 50%+ of the time if you split. And realistically a lot less than that as your husband won't actually be arsed to fight for 50%.

If someone told you that you could choose between a job that made you feel shit 100% of the time or one that made you feel shit 50% of the time but happy and valued 50% of the time, which would you choose? Choose that for your son.

This is so, so, so damaging to him.

I have no idea who the both of you are obviously, but a lot of his sentences sound like he feels incredibly hard done by, which is either based in reality, or is due to a victim complex, almost a covert narcissism. The 'You just need to try harder' feels a lot like this. There's a lot of judgment coming from him because he seems to think you're inferior, to him at least, and he's not afraid of telling you how you are not meeting his expectations, and how much of a failure you are in his eyes.

This one jumped out -

Don't roll your eyes at me. No wonder you have those lines on your forhead

This is just pure contempt and nastyness. He went below the belt and he wanted to make you feel insecure, to shame you for ageing. It's digusting behaviour.

This is unacceptable. You're killing me.

What exactly is killing him. You not complying??

Belittling her and calling her stupid, saying are you deaf, etc

He might just hate women OP. I mean, not hate them enough not to have a wife, but enough.

There seems to be so much poison in your house and your husband is incredibly angry.

I get that he is stressed out and trying to run his business, but at the end of the day I have to report into a business and deliver things. I don't answer to my self

It sounds to me like you don't really take his business seriously and you are prioritising your own. No wonder there's resentment there, although there's no excuse for disgusting comments and unfair put-downs.

You have to report into a business and deliver things? So does he. He had no boss above him, but he probably has to answer to multiple people. It can take a long time to build a successful business and it can so easily all be undone. Reputation is everything and is easily spoilt if you don't deliver, especially these days. If you are struggling to concentrate and to do your work effectively, how do you think he is meant to cope if he's doing the bulk of the childcare when he's meant to be working?

Sounds like you can afford to go and see a divorce lawyer. Women’s aid may have a recommended list, not sure these days.

The divorce settlement will taken into account things such as school fees and standard of living, if there is enough income, savings and pension.

If I left we would have to share custody and my husband would take any chance he could get to talk bad about me when I wasn't around

How do you think your husband would react if you suggested separation? The current situation needs to change as it's just not healthy. Do you think you would share custody? You probably would, but if he's been the primary care giver for a long time and also brings in more money than you, he could attempt to battle you for custody of the children.

How often does he work? 5 days a week? Would he be willing, and could you afford going down to 4? You're both under enormous pressure, Covid's not making it better, there are personality issues, health issues - is there any way you can scale back your expenses so both of you could have some breathing space? Not saying you'll stay together as a couple, but as least for the time being?