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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband leaving family holiday for football

99 replies

Peachblossom83 · 04/08/2021 21:58

AIBU? Family holiday next week, with his parents. He's just announced he is leaving a night early to travel home so he can watch his team play. Holiday has been booked for ages. We have 2 young children.

I don't need him there, can manage fine but I am just so fed of football being prioritised over me and family time.

OP posts:
CasaBonita · 06/08/2021 08:04

I wonder how he would take it if you announced that you had to leave early because you had in important yoga class that you just couldn't miss.

AnneElliott · 06/08/2021 08:06

He does sound like a selfish arse. And what will his parents think of him skipping off and leaving a family holiday? I wouldn't be impressed if this was my DS.

Time to get yourself a weekend hobby which involves him staying at home with his own kids!

Thirtyrock39 · 06/08/2021 08:13

I'm also married to a football fan. It's not just the first game of the season for most fans it's the first time they've been allowed in the ground since March 2020 so it's a bit of a bigger event than normal starts of seasons.
The football drives me mad at times but it's such a big part of some people's lives. I would compare it to if you were mad on the theatre and usually went every month or more and had just hot tickets to a west end show when you'd not been in 18 months
My husband daughter and a few mates are at Wembley tomorrow and I don't think there is much that they would miss that for

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 06/08/2021 08:13

Depends. If it's a day out of a week-long holiday and OP never has a day to herself - then it's shit. If it's a day out of ten days or a fortnight, and she does - not so bad. I don't hold holidays sacrosanct either, but nor do I indulge consistently selfish behaviour.

Longdistance · 06/08/2021 08:20

He’s pathetic. I’d be fuming too. I’m a sports widow, last weekend dh watched the rugby with friends and then went to the cricket (some crappy game at Lords), he’d also been playing golf.
The difference is, he wouldn’t leave a holiday early for a match/game. I’d just like to add, dh paid for me and dds to go away that weekend as his friend was coming down. This was in advance. Your dh could either watch it on tv or wait til the next game.
Is he a season ticket holder?

ThePlantsitter · 06/08/2021 09:00

Missing the last day of a holiday means missing the packing, cleaning (dirt he's contributed to) and transporting kids home. Convenient.

Make excuses about the 'importance' of football/having your own life as much as you want, but I don't know why you would dump all that shit on someone you profess to love.

ExpressDelivery · 06/08/2021 09:01

@ThePlantsitter

Missing the last day of a holiday means missing the packing, cleaning (dirt he's contributed to) and transporting kids home. Convenient.

Make excuses about the 'importance' of football/having your own life as much as you want, but I don't know why you would dump all that shit on someone you profess to love.

If they all went with him that problem's solved
Horehound · 06/08/2021 09:03

Yanbu

rainbowstardrops · 06/08/2021 10:55

So he's choosing football v being on a family holiday until leaving day that has been booked for ages?
Bloody pathetic.

ThePlantsitter · 06/08/2021 11:15

if they all went with him that problem's solved yes, let's teach the kids their lives, holidays, comfort all come second to daddy's toxic masculinity hobby.

Freddy12 · 06/08/2021 11:23

Sounds like a bit of a twat, agree a short time out with the family while they are doing something fun and watch on his phone then all off for a ice cream etc
Time to do our own thing is important for everyone but not sodding off early from a planned holiday

Longdistance · 06/08/2021 11:40

@ExpressDelivery why should the holiday be cut short because he wants to watch a match?

Bookworm20 · 06/08/2021 15:44

@ThePlantsitter

Missing the last day of a holiday means missing the packing, cleaning (dirt he's contributed to) and transporting kids home. Convenient.

Make excuses about the 'importance' of football/having your own life as much as you want, but I don't know why you would dump all that shit on someone you profess to love.

Absolutely this.

I couldn't gather much respect for anyone who put watching a football game above their loved ones.

juliusdeane · 06/08/2021 16:08

It's a tough one. To cut into a holiday is poor form and especially if it's a big club that he can watch on the telly. Neither should every other Saturday be written off as his time.

On the other hand the number of posters who seem to imply that family time is all encompassing and having hobbies a distant part of someone's life that should be totally sacrificed at the altar of family is worrying.

My children are late teens now, but I remember family time as sometimes amazing and sometimes drudgery. What I do remember is being shamed into giving up all my hobbies by my wife. Family time, then its 'rare opportunity for time together without the kids', work, social obligations with other couples that we are somehow friends with (I hid my indifference well). I loved my hobbies, still do. I like tabletop wargaming and playing tennis and lots of things that need a bit of time but no set schedule.

I happily looked after my own children so my wife could see friends, go out for coffee etc yet if I ask for a few hours on a Sunday I am a callous bastard who hates his own kids. Now they are older she is losing that card but will instead play the couple time card.

Not sure what I am sayinghere. In OPs case feel the husband is in the wrong. There isxa compromise to be had in all things though and to most people their hobbies are important to them that's why they have them.

Now my children are older and I am able to try and indulge my own interests more, I do find myself wondering why the hell I am still married after 20 years of restriction. It's 50/50 if I decide to break away on my own, my wife making it difficult so that I can't do my hobby a few times a month will weigh heavily into that decision.

Dacquoise · 06/08/2021 16:26

My ex husband once booked a flight home from a holiday a day early than me and our DD. She was a toddler and it was a long drive to the airport. It was only my SIL shaming him for putting his sport before a family holiday (we were only away for a week) that led him to book a return flight with us. We lost the money for the original ticket.

His selfishness never improved. Divorced home. Best thing I ever did. I assume this isn't the first time your DH has pit himself first?

ThePlantsitter · 06/08/2021 16:28

Nobody is implying that hobbies should be sacrificed on the altar of family. They are saying the H should not leave a family holiday a day early for his hobby.

In addition to the value of 'family time' is the courtesy of not leaving one half of a marriage alone with the kids all the bloody time. It's lonely and makes you feel like a drudge. And I haven't done an empirical study but I'm prepared to bet my house it is mostly men who indulge in doing it.

juliusdeane · 06/08/2021 16:35

I agree that a family holiday comes before any hobby. I also agree that hobbies shouldn't have set scheduling that is sacrosanct.

Anyone who constantly dumps on their partner is bad. You need compromise. The issue arises when you have one person with strong interests outside of family and one person whose only strong interest is family.

Really I went off on a tangent. I think once child rearing is done, I would be happy seeing my wife a few nights a week and having my own little flat. Best get buying lottery tickets!

Goldbar · 06/08/2021 16:37

Abandoning your wife with your parents is really low.

Vanishun · 06/08/2021 17:05

Something tells me you're not going to get a lot of people joining in bashing your wife here @juliusdeane. I have a feeling she'd tell that story rather differently.

But yes it sounds like you should split. You sound like you totally loathe her. I can't believe you actually came here to say "this man did something wrong but my wife blah blah blah".

Dobbyhasnomaster · 06/08/2021 17:06

To be fair it’s the first live football match many people have been to for 18 months, so I can see why he would want to go and it’s a big occasion and sense of a community returning for a lot of people. I wouldn’t resent my partner going if it was important to him but I guess it’s more about how it was presented to you and if you’d be able to do the same for something you care about?

Horehound · 06/08/2021 17:56

I can't imagine he'd be happy to be left with his kids and his PIL whilst op went away and left them for the last night of the holiday

WaterIsBest · 06/08/2021 18:01

A night early

So he will go home in the evening when your leaving the following morning anyway ?

Darker · 07/08/2021 06:45

Family isn’t a ‘strong interest’ Julius. It’s a commitment. The issue is the OPs husband choosing to opt out of that with no discussion, leaving everyone else to meet that commitment. It’s incredibly undermining to the trust in that relationship that someone would just alter an arrangement like this unilaterally.

Anonymrs · 07/08/2021 08:31

I'm interested to know what his parents think about this. Are their views on him enabling selfish behaviour?

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