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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband leaving family holiday for football

99 replies

Peachblossom83 · 04/08/2021 21:58

AIBU? Family holiday next week, with his parents. He's just announced he is leaving a night early to travel home so he can watch his team play. Holiday has been booked for ages. We have 2 young children.

I don't need him there, can manage fine but I am just so fed of football being prioritised over me and family time.

OP posts:
KatherineSiena · 05/08/2021 09:28

@weebarra you’re quite right this isn’t about football per se. But being in a partnership and equity doesn’t mean springing a sudden change of plan on your wife and family at the 11th hour, shortening a family holiday, leaving your wife with your parents and the hassle of packing up and managing the DC.

He has form for doing this too. OP you’re not unreasonable here and I’d be pretty miffed in your shoes.

HelloMissus · 05/08/2021 09:29

The fixtures have been out a while so why the last minute announcement?
Why book a holiday when you know you have tickets to a match?

DontAskIDontKnow · 05/08/2021 09:30

I don’t think my DH would leave a family holiday for a football match. That’s really low and entitled behaviour.

He is, however, off to Wembley at the weekend, which I am very uncomfortable with.

It’s not about this one football match, it’s about priorities.

I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for the years when I was left, barely coping with small children, while he went off to the football every other weekend, in addition to working away from home every other week.

He’s generally a decent bloke, but there’s still a good chance that I may divorce him one day, and my resentment over the football would be a significant factor.

NotWanting · 05/08/2021 09:35

He is a selfish child. What do his parents think ?

superram · 05/08/2021 09:38

The fixtures came out in June and even before then he would have known this is the first day of the season. I wouldn’t be that bothered but if I knew my husband was going we wouldn’t have booked a holiday during the football season. I didn’t get married in the football season or during the euros or a World Cup either for this reason. As a one off it’s not an issue but if this is a theme then I’d put a stop to it. Dh and I support different teams and make joint decisions on who can go where. This isn’t about football it’s about being selfish.

SunShinesBrightly · 05/08/2021 09:40

His priorities are all wrong.

namechange30455 · 05/08/2021 09:41

@CBroads I don't think that's the case here though - he presented it as a fait acompli and just assumed OP would be ok with it. How did he know she hadn't planned to leave holiday early to go and do her hobby? He didn't communicate, and assumed she would be happy to pick up the slack. That's the issue here. It's not that it's football, it's his selfishness.

ThePlantsitter · 05/08/2021 09:42

What is your hobby? Haven't you got an unmissable hobby related event two days before the end of your holiday that you have to leave your H and kids and his parents too attend?

helpfulperson · 05/08/2021 09:45

Do women not have these all consuming hobbies? Perhaps it would feel less unfair if you also had something of your own that you did while he looked after the children some of the time.

ExpressDelivery · 05/08/2021 09:54

Hmm, I have a season ticket for a lower league club. It's the first games of the season this weekend after not being able to go to a game for 500 odd days. That's quite a big deal. I'm guessing fixtures weren't known when the holiday was booked?

However, I won't be going because it clashes with an event I'm going to with my sister. Entirely my choice though, not dictated by any arrangement the rest of the family made. It was booked before I knew there'd be a game, I probably wouldn't have agreed to go if I knew, although it was always a possibility. I wouldn't cancel plans with anyone else, except possibly, depending on who it was and how important the event was to them, for the very biggest games. For the big cup games you don't know fixtures in advance.

I have in the past arranged family holidays to be near an important away fixture and left for a few hours to see the game.

I have also joined the family later in the day, by train, after going to a game on the first day of a holiday.

Our second home game, clashes with the first day of our holiday and the ground (an hour from home) is literally on the way. I'm currently trying to negotiate a plan where we all go to the football on the way, but I'm not winning. If I can't persuade them to come, I won't go, but it does frustrate me that, just once, they won't join me in something I enjoy. Would that be a possibility for you OP?

Football is the only thing I have for myself. I am usually completely at their beck and call. I honestly don't think c. 20 afternoons a year is too much to ask. The kinds of games where I "adjust" a family holiday probably come up once every 5 years though, not regularly.

ArthurBloom · 05/08/2021 09:55

It's actually pathetic to be honest, however if he communicated and discussed it with you that would be a different thing.
Anything is acceptable in a relationship depending on what you define as acceptable!

chocolateorangeinhaler · 06/08/2021 06:40

He's leaving one night early. He's told you now and not once your there. You're an adult and I presume his parents are eye rolling at the idea too. Ask him to help tidy before he goes. You surely won't get the place in a massive mess in one day.
You're not joined at the hip. He can do what he wants. As can you. So start being assertive and plan your own nights out too. If he's always done this you have no grounds to moan now if you've previously been ok with it happening. But if it's suddenly started happening, I would want a very good explanation as to why.

RosaMoline · 06/08/2021 06:55

I was married to a selfish man who prioritised sport over family (golf and cricket) - he’s changed though luckily, in fact we’re still friends.
How would your OH feel if you announced you were buggering off a day early as there was an event you’d like to do/attend?!

Vanishun · 06/08/2021 07:15

It's a little thing, sure, but if it happens all the time then it's that subtle message your kids get: Mummy looks after the family, Daddy gets to do whatever he wants. Women in the home, men out with mates. So I hope you do it in equal measure too.

Whoarethewho · 06/08/2021 07:23

Seems fair to me. Marriage and kids seems a really bad deal (and I thought they were pretty bad anyway) if you are expected to give up your football club.

MilkCereal · 06/08/2021 07:29

I'm mixed on this were away next week and come home on the day of the first fixture of the season for dh team- hes so looking forward to it! He wouldnt dream of returning early from hols to see it- bit selfish but I do get some peoples passions for hobbies and yts only a day....

Goldbar · 06/08/2021 07:30

You're not joined at the hip. He can do what he wants. As can you.

But the OP is probably holidaying with his parents for him, not because she herself really wants to go on holiday with her in laws. So if she did what she wanted, she wouldn't have booked to go on this holiday at all.

Fireflygal · 06/08/2021 07:33

@Whoarethewho, it's not giving up football. Just stick to a holiday and not leave your spouse on holiday.

It is possible to follow a sport but not attend or watch every game live.

DancesWithTortoises · 06/08/2021 07:41

He's a bit of a sad git to prioritise a game over family. Is he always so selfish?

HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 06/08/2021 07:44

I can sort of understand the first game back but hes on a family holiday. Did you not discuss before you booked?
When the season has started are you expected to look after the kids every saturday whilst he goes to the games? If so I think you need to have a calm chat about joint expectations and priorities as it seems like football is more interesting to him than the kids. Do you get any personal time ike he does?

ExpressDelivery · 06/08/2021 07:49

Go with him, or is it too much to ask that once in a while you show a bit of interest in his passion?

Goldbar · 06/08/2021 07:55

is it too much to ask that once in a while you show a bit of interest in his passion

It really depends on whether he shows any interest in the OP's interests and hobbies, doesn't it? And thinking it's ok to leave her on holiday with his parents isn't a promising sign.

ExpressDelivery · 06/08/2021 07:58

@Goldbar

is it too much to ask that once in a while you show a bit of interest in his passion

It really depends on whether he shows any interest in the OP's interests and hobbies, doesn't it? And thinking it's ok to leave her on holiday with his parents isn't a promising sign.

Of course but it's a sad life if neither of them can do that.
ufucoffee · 06/08/2021 07:58

Am guessing it's the first game of the season and therefore important. It wouldn't bother me him leaving to go to that but I like football and understand the significance of the first game of the season. I know someone of who had to postpone their wedding due to the local team reaching a cup final. They knew hardly anyone would've come to their wedding. In the words of Carlo Ancelotti 'football is the most important of the least important things in life'. Unpopular opinion on MN I know.

OhCobblers · 06/08/2021 08:00

He's just announced
I understand from that there was no discussion.

I am just so fed up of football being prioritised over me and family time
I take from this that this is not the first time by a long shot.

He sounds like a selfish arse and I don't imagine that is limited to football. Take a long look at where you find yourself OP. Xx