Is this common re a Dad's role?

[FiJay18]

This is something that has been bothering me for a while now, but it is now increasingly bugging me and I need some advice.

My DH ever since I had my children hasn't really been interested in them really. Even as babies when I had looked after them all day, he showed no interest in coming in and bathing them etc which upset me at the time. He said I was over reacting. When I've brought this up recently I told him that really it's general advice that when DH comes home he takes the children for a bit to give Mum a bit of a break, he said I was stupid and that it wasn't advice, or it was, it was off one of these 'gentle parenting' things which he disapproves of.

To cut a long story short I always feel it's a massive effort for him to do much with them. He will sit and play on computer games with my eldest (5), and just palms them off the rest of the time. I have told him loads to do other things with him but he doesn't without me literally 'forcing' him.

This stresses me out because I just feel like everything like that is falling to me. I think I'm good with the kids but become increasingly frustrated by his lack of initiative/ pro activeness in doing stuff with them and recognising I need a break. I feel like I need to be at breaking point for him to notice (because sometimes I can feel overwhelmed by it). At that point he will say I am overreacting and that I don't seem to like spending time with my children. I really do, however sometimes when they have been fighting all day etc I do find it difficult and don't particularity find those days thrilling and need some support.

Further, my children are now 5 and 3 and at no point ever has he offered to do anything with them on his own. He may have had them twice or three times for the whole day on his own when I've actually went out to do something. He will never say 'I'll take the kids here or there' not even one of them really. Again if I ask him to it feels like I'm asking him to go and climb Mount Everest or something.

In respect of our lives he keeps everything separate. It seems that his money is 'his' and nothing is shared. He keeps going on about his plans and doesn't really involve me because he assumes he is the one which will have the money and doesn't seem to value what I do in terms of childcare and that I have taken a dramatic drop in salary to look after them. He says that he does recognise this but his actions say otherwise to me. He will go on about home improvements and how much they cost etc when he knows I only earn around £1000 per month and can't contribute.

We were away with his brother and wife at the weekend and even just seeing them help each other with the dishwasher made by blood boil as my partner wouldn't do that. He actively avoids it. He does tidy somethings round the house, but that's just because he himself cannot abide 'mess' as it bothers him but even then he will just shove stuff in cupboard and boxes without organising anything. he even keeps his phone well away from me and keeps changing the pin. I have only ever accessed it once because he left after an argument once and I just knew he was lying as to where he had been. When I did look through his phone he has been out with his friend and got totally wasted (fine up to him) but had been looking at various women he knew on Facebook which I found odd. When I questioned him on this he told me 1) it was his friend who had his phone then 2) they were just talking about them generally and it was none of my business what about so his story conflicted there.

Am I being harsh here or have I got a right to be upset? I just find myself getting more cross with him. It used to upset me because I wanted him to seem like he cared but now I'm just close to losing my temper about it all and saying I want to leave him. If I say anything however he generally says I'm overreacting and walks out. I just feel it comes down to me all the time i.e taking time off for the kids in the summer holidays, arranging pick ups / drop offs etc and he is only ever interested in his business & money.

Sorry for the rant but these are the main things bothering me and I wanted to gage other's opinions.

You aren’t being harsh.
Your ‘D’H is a lazy twat who can’t be bothered with his own children, and has convinced you that all men are like this.

I don't really know where to start with this but no it definitely isn't normal

Do you actually want to be with him?

Why are you with him? What exactly does he add to your and your children's lives?

Sounds like an absolute waste of space to me.

None of this is normal. He is a total shit who is adding nothing to your life or your children’s lives. He’s a terrible father and a terrible husband.

I’m so so sorry you’re in this situation. What a pathetic excuse for a human he is.

Can you leave? Or kick him out?

No that's not right at and not usual.

On MN relationships board there seem to be a fair few men like this but that's not representative.

DH is and always has been much more 'maternal' than me. Never happier than when cuddling a baby or young child. Not random ones the family have enough to keep him going.

Your DH is being unfair on you and the kids. And himself tbh because kids can be a pita and work but you get back what you put in.

This is well beyond a husband that doesn't pull his weight with kids. That alone could possibly be addressed. There are so many other negative, and frankly unacceptable, things that he does that I personally would cut my losses and get out. This is not a man that can add value to your life, support you as a normal partner should nor make you happy. Find a way out.

He sounds like one of those men who thinks it's his role to work and the wife's role to raise the kids. Also he sounds like an arse.

There is nothing normal about a dad not being interested in his children, and there is nothing acceptable about a man not taking equal responsibility for his children. There is nothing normal or right or logical about the fact that you get less downtime than him.

If he has any intelligence at all, he can't argue that you are both entitled to the same amount of downtime, and the same amount of 'me time' to pursue hobbies, relax etc child-free. If he says different to that then he's either not very bright or just plain lazy and wants to convince you that his way is 'normal'.

He is a bad dad and a bad husband. It sounds like he shows you little respect and sees you as below him.

Why would you want to be with someone like that? None of it is normal. Decent human beings treat their other half as equals, they share the overall workload including the mental load and life admin, and they get equal time to relax. Decent human being show an interest in their children.

How is he with you when you raise these points? He is treating you like a domestic appliance and wants the status of a family but isn't willing to contribute his time or energy to it. This will not get any better. I understand that my ex-h now has now learnt about chores, the hard way. I meanwhile have less to clean up after. The secrecy around his phone is also indicative of someone with something to hide.

He sounds awful! No, not normal at all. I'm really sorry you are going through this.

First thing I noticed was you said “I had my children” I would never say that as my husband and I are a team. I don’t mean that as a criticism, I’m sure it’s just the way you have been made to feel over the years.
What exactly is he contributing to the relationship?

None of what you describe is normal, he sounds like a waste of space.

What an awful example he is to your children of what a man should be like. I’m so sorry but I think you have got used to being treated badly, either he has to change or you need to leave, you get one life don’t waste it being unhappy

Thanks for your responses.

I think I have just felt really vulnerable the past few years after having children, and sometimes only having self employed work. I do sometimes think that I need him but deep down I know I don't.

He has left a couple of times and I've felt so sick at the prospect I take him back. I think it's because I dread being alone and on the other hand dread having the 'label' of a single parent (even though again I know deep down that is nothing to be ashamed of).

I think you guys are right in that he has tried to convince me that this is normal and even though everything in my body has told me it is wrong, I still stick with him because I don't trust myself to make that crucial decision if that makes sense? It feels like a massive thing to tell him that I am not happy and walk away because I know I will doubt myself afterwards, even though I shouldn't. Maybe I'm lacking confidence, however I do feel I am getting some back now that I have started working again and being a bit more independent.

I did say once that he could leave and his response was to say ' well if you think it's hard now, just think what your life would be like without me'. He says some really odd things like that when we argue which just do not sit right with me at all. He doesn't give me much credit to be honest, and it's not like I'm a stupid person.

It's even little things like I would like a dog (not now as I work) but even when I've floated the notion of having one in the future he has literally just said 'no never' and that's that - no discussing it.

As I say I think it's because I've felt really vulnerable and alone when the kids were tiny and he has been my only sounding board really that I have stayed. Now that I am gaining confidence I may get the strength to leave at some point. I do long for a man in my life who will help me and see me as an equal. Again, I have said this to DH and said just because I don't earn as much as you it does not make me unequal to you. He agrees to my face but his actions speak differently. All I have ever said to him is that I would like equality and I don't think he can give that.

It's just finding the right time to walk away. I would like to be in a bit more of a stable job and get my LG settled in nursery. I don't want him to use my finances to his advantage either as I can predict he may try something underhand and will certainly want a part of my house.

At the end of the day it's not ideal but I think I would just give him some money to go even though he earns 4 times as much as I do.

@Italiandreams

First thing I noticed was you said “I had my children” I would never say that as my husband and I are a team. I don’t mean that as a criticism, I’m sure it’s just the way you have been made to feel over the years. What exactly is he contributing to the relationship?

Hi, also without criticism I noticed the ‘my children’ referral as well. Possibly it’s morphed this way as you are doing absolutely more than the lions share, but in reality they are joint children. Your husband needs a huge reality check, I mean really he does. At first I wondered if he was like some Dads who have limited interest/involvement in babies and noticeably pick up the pace as their child grows. But then you say he’s left a couple of times…..and that’s when my patience, going on what you say, ran out! He sounds absolutely awful. I’m not one to say ‘leave’ lightly, but heck, this sounds way too hard for a lifetime. I wish you well in the questions and decisions ahead of you.

Thanks.

If I'm honest, I do feel like they are my children really. Just yesterday he made this clear by saying to me 'you need to get the dummy of her' (referring to my daughter). There's no we in that sentence and it really made me annoyed. He backtracks when I challenge him on his language but deep down I know what he means - I should do it.

Things he has said in the past have made it clear that he thinks they are my responsibility really and that his job is to bring in money, which is ridiculous as I've always paid my way and done what I could in the time that I've got to bring in my own. It's not like I use his cards / money or anything either.

I remember when my youngest was tiny he said it was his job to bring in the money and my job to look after the baby (ironically I paid my own way through my maternity until I insisted second time round he gave me something instead of me just using my savings). He also said looking after the baby 'was my only job' and couldn't seem to grasp why I was struggling with it and keeping the house clean. He criticises me for lots of things even down to leaving doors open and towels not hung up. I get that mess is annoying but when trying to look after two small children it was the least of my worries, but he used to just come in from work and stop around being pissed off if I had left a mess anywhere which just made me feel like crap and uncomfortable. I have hit the roof a few times over his insensitive comments and then feel bad for it and he generally makes me out to be some sort of mad women - I honestly just think I've been at the end of my tether re his comments.

I've generally distanced myself from him since I started working in an office again with real people who seem to respect me and my worth as a person.

He has also told me that his employees are scared of him and he can't understand why. I think he just has a warped vision of himself. I'm going on a rant now so I will stop but I think and hope this has given me enough proof (as I have written it down) how ridiculous this situation has been.

I do feel bad as he does do some stuff. He will never refuse to come places with the kids at the weekend and will get involved in organised days out etc but again it's me that generally organises everything and he just turns up. He also clearly loves the kids but just his level of involvement drives me crazy. I just wish he would take my son on the field or the kids to the park using his own want rather than being told to.

You're not married?

You own the house?

Others will be able to say if he has any claim I think not. As long as he hasn't paid mortgage. Anyone know?

Do you have support- family friends around who can be there for you?

He sounds really awful. He's left a couple of times? This is a man who has no interest in any of you.

It can take s while to work up to the totally had enough point. Yes it's scary. You know really that you're going to get yourself together and split though I think.

No I'm not married and I do own the house.

I am in the legal profession and he would probably have a claim to something I think , but I don't think he would have as much as he thinks because they must have to take into account my drop in salary and looking after the children (even if he doesn't).

I think that's it really, it's the working up to it part re the breakup. I have thought of it so many times before and have really come close to calling it off but after a few days I let him come back. Either because I bottle it, or he talks me round or genuinely I miss him, but I guess anyone would after being with someone for 6 years no matter how horrible they have been.

I don't have that much support which makes it a more difficult decision, but I feel.I have more of a network than I had previously and more of a structure to my life which hopefully would mean I could cope with a breakup. Working really takes my mind off stuff like this and I am going up to 4 days a week come September.

It's just a matter of time I guess but it is working up to that crucial point and not knowing when that will be is hard.

Are you in the UK?

It would be worth posting about the financial side in legal.

I think that if not married then there's not anything about houses etc- you are individuals.

Child maintenance yes.

But I could be wrong. Check with the posters in legal.

I could not be with a man who resents spending time with / making effort with / enjoying stuff with his kids. I wouldn't just expect him to do things with them, I would expect him to want to. To enjoy his children.

He sees women as default parent. He's a misogynist. I'm glad this thread is opening your eyes a bit

I didn’t intend making another comment in yr thread, but reading that you are not married and it’s your house you all live in struck a chord!
Lovey, you simply have to get a bit tougher…..sorry here’s me telling you what you need to do, apologies, but the old saying, ‘nothing changes if nothing changes’ rings kinda try here! He is taking you for ride…in your house! You say you’re in the legal profession, you’re a step ahead of many, ask questions, get answers and, please, don’t let this man continue acting as if he’s an invited guest in the family.

I don't see the point of him either. He goes out and earns the money....for himself. So he doesn't even really do that for the family. The parenting is your job alone. What a prize he is

If he's not sharing his income with you, he needs to pull his weight with half the housework and childcare.

The only reason why you would do his chores for him is if he's earning money for you. Otherwise what benefit do you get from taking on his chores??

As far as I can see, OP, this shit of a man brings nothing to the party. Would you even notice if he was gone?! You’d still be looking after the kids on your own, but you at least wouldn’t be doing his chores too.
Start organising your exit strategy now. Legal advice, finances, housing situation, child maintenance payments etc. Decide on a manageable time scale and work towards it.
Otherwise you will turn round in thirty miserable years’ time and wonder where your life went.

The first thing I noticed about your posts is that you don't talk about 'our' children. You say 'my' children, and I can see that I'm not the first poster to notice that either. You say that you are afraid of being alone and of being a single parent. To all intents and purposes, you are already, aren't you?

The second thing I noticed is that he is intimidated by you being a high earnere and financially independent. He belittles you on purpose to bolster his own ego, in order for him to regain what he perceived to be his rightful superiority.

Your unhappiness oozes out of every word you have written, and I hope you are able to find the right resolution. For you and the dc.